Then you have the case of the loving parents but who are strict, not in the sense of not allowing freedom, but who are just "control freaks" and don't know how to "let go" and let their children legitimately experience AND FAIL at life.  They don't know how to let a 13 year old decide when/how to do their homework and face the consequences at school (the parents continue to micro-manage the teenager just like they did when he was 3 or 4).  If parents don't let their kids make dumb decisions at a young age, they'll make them when they're out of the house at 18 or 20.  You can't avoid dumb decisions; you can't avoid life lessons.  Failure is the best teacher there is.  But you have to let them fail in a controlled environment or else they will fail when no one is around and the consequences are more extreme.

That philosophy of letting them suffer the consequences of their own decisions is behind this particular system --
https://www.loveandlogic.com/

I can't entirely recommend it because it's imbued with Protestant errors, but the core of it is just what you describe.  Letting consequences teach the lessons.

Of course, one has to limit the field of play somewhat.  I'm not going to let my children go out and fornicate and then, say, "well, let them deal with an illegitimate child."  This Prot series doesn't draw that line.  You do have to protect them and prevent the graver things, but on a micro-level, I agree that it's important.

Of course, even in school, you don't want them to flush their lives down the toilet either, so you want to get on the a little about school work.  But if they blow off school and graduate with a 2.0 and end up not being able to support a family.  Sometimes adults are necessary to give them the perspective they lack at their own age.

I just want to say, that if I had a special "Moderator's Choice" award to give to 12 threads each year, giving them special prominence on the home page, etc. this thread would be getting one.

This is about the most important subject there is today, and it's a subject that hits very close to home for me, being a family man myself.

#1 -  they do not know the why of the faith, and thus they teach the children the faith by force, or send them to a teacher. I call this the "ask Fr." syndrome, anything you want to know just ask Father. Their knowledge of religion is superficial, and never gets past it, because they can just ask Father. The children's faith will be just as superficial, never having learned the "why's", and as soon as it is challenged, they go with the world.
#2 - the parents do the same with everything else one needs to know about life. They do not teach the why's of working, life (our purpose in life), politics/government, manners, civility, culture...
#3 - the parents do not talk to their children nor listen to what they are talking about, nor observe how their children behave with their peers and adults. Thus they know nothing about their own children.

#1 is very important to us. And #2 by extension. Mainly it's because I remember my own parents relearning the Faith and explaining to us as they learned. Those things always stuck with me more than anything I learned in a book. It doesn't have to feel like a Catechism class or a sermon and it shouldn't really; just having these discussions as a normal part of family life goes a long way. It feels like it takes a lot of thought and wisdom to converse this way but that's where parents learn to put a lot of confidence in the Holy Ghost! I think #3 naturally happens when working on #1-2 because such discussions build relationships and each learns how the other thinks. 

"Ask Father" syndrome sounds like a good way to put it. With parents sending their children to schools and working all day, then being too tired when they are all gathered in the evenings, it's too easy for parents to forget that we are the primary educators. Fatigue or laziness tempts us to depend too much on our authority over the children and not enough on our role as teachers. We can mentally check out while yelling at kids and forcing them to do what we want but it takes real mental and physical engagement to teach.  

this is a very important post.  thank you for starting it.

I liked very much reading St. Bosco, who care for boys.  Our Lady inspired him, directed him.

Two points Our Lady made, that I recall the most:  Children need interaction with parent.  To play basketball, cooking together, just doing things together that makes for conversation, laughing and being serious.  This interaction is important, so child and parent get to know each other.  Our Lady gave Don Bosco a dream of the future:  teachers standing off and students playing ball.  Don Bosco asked, "why are the teachers not interacting?"  Our Lady said, "this is the future, that you see."

Our Lady also said it is very important who interacts with your student, that is friends.  They need good friends, beware of their company!

Children need parents who live their faith.  It shows.

Thank God we still have sacraments/Precious Blood.  It is So Saving!

I listened to a friend, yesterday, remembering the ways of New Order, that are nauseating.  Grown men saying, "We go to the Saturday mass for Sunday, "to get it over with!"  Nasty!  Grown men wearing shorts.  

I am not against men, for women can do and think the same.

I do look up to Captain Kangaroo.  He would end his show saying," Give the children what they want most, Your Time".  I took this very serious as a mother.  Kids want to go to the park, then let's do it when we get some chores done and finish when we return.  Like a doctor once told my mother of 9 children, let the dishes go, find time to relax, say that rosary, read some meditations.  

Let me give you a couple examples of my own personal development.

Initially I thought that I would never allow my girls to wear ANY makeup.  I considered it to be wanted by girls only for impure purposes.  I grew up with 3 brothers and was out of the house when my one young sister got older (she was 8 when I was gone).  And my mother never wore makeup ... not out of principle, but just because she never felt like it.  I have four daughters now, and both the older ones, when they hit puberty, developed acne (inherited through their Mom's side).  And I was shocked by the degree to which they were derided by their Traditional Catholic female friends.  They asked if they could wear some stuff to cover up, and of course I let them.  Nothing heavy, but just enough to make them feel not "repugnant".  Imagine if I had stuck to my guns, as some Traditional Catholic parents had done, and they spent years and years feeling "repulsive" to other people.  That would cause severe emotional and psychological scars for a girl.  So I came to the realization that there's nothing inherently wrong with a girl just wanting to feel pretty.  And I also realized that 99% of the time, it was in relation to their FEMALE peers, that they wanted to feel pretty, and not because they were trying to "ensnare" some boy.  So as long as I don't sense any impure motives, I let them wear some light makeup, just so they can feel pretty.  And I let them wear nice clothes (provided they're not in any way immodest) ... instead of imposing the "Little House on the Prairie" look that many Traditional Catholics require of their girls.

I know an SSPX priest who used to say women who did not wear makeup were forcing us ALL into a penance. Lol. God bless him for his sanity!
Ladies, please wear makeup! 

See what a tough spot the poor ladies are in.  Some Traditional Catholics say that they can't wear makeup without coming off as prostitutes.  Some say they are ugly without makeup.  So how can they win?

I saw a video made by a poor lady.  She showed herself without makeup ... with a lot of acne.  She put the picture somewhere on social media, and the comments where absolutely horrible ... just gut-wrenchingly cruel.  "What's wrong with your face?  You're repulsive." etc. etc.  Then she put on makeup.  It started with people telling her how beautiful she was, but then ended up with people denouncing her for being "fake" and "committing fraud".

Let me give you a couple examples of my own personal development.

Initially I thought that I would never allow my girls to wear ANY makeup.  I considered it to be wanted by girls only for impure purposes.  I grew up with 3 brothers and was out of the house when my one young sister got older (she was 8 when I was gone).  And my mother never wore makeup ... not out of principle, but just because she never felt like it.  I have four daughters now, and both the older ones, when they hit puberty, developed acne (inherited through their Mom's side).  And I was shocked by the degree to which they were derided by their Traditional Catholic female friends.  They asked if they could wear some stuff to cover up, and of course I let them.  Nothing heavy, but just enough to make them feel not "repugnant".  Imagine if I had stuck to my guns, as some Traditional Catholic parents had done, and they spent years and years feeling "repulsive" to other people.  That would cause severe emotional and psychological scars for a girl.  So I came to the realization that there's nothing inherently wrong with a girl just wanting to feel pretty.  And I also realized that 99% of the time, it was in relation to their FEMALE peers, that they wanted to feel pretty, and not because they were trying to "ensnare" some boy.  So as long as I don't sense any impure motives, I let them wear some light makeup, just so they can feel pretty.  And I let them wear nice clothes (provided they're not in any way immodest) ... instead of imposing the "Little House on the Prairie" look that many Traditional Catholics require of their girls.

Make up is an art these days..... I mean I could barely apply eyeliner at 10, and there are 10 year olds with creased eyeshadow in perfect form.
I just wanted to say I think it’s amazing you see/understand this for your daughters. They are absolutely blessed to have such an understanding dad!

I don't know, man.  This seems a bit heartless.  More than even security, the deepest need people have, especially children growing up, is to feel loved and wanted.  And girls have the need more than boys.  What do you think it would do to a girl to be constantly told she's repulsive?  At some point, it would be easy for her to question whether anyone, including God, could love someone like her.

What does that have to do with what I wrote in regard to your posting? Where did you see me write that I told my girls that they are not loved and wanted and that they are repulsive?