Catholic Info
Traditional Catholic Faith => Catholic Living in the Modern World => Topic started by: BAY3RN on February 29, 2024, 06:50:36 PM
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Sometimes there are certain events - certain people - that disappoint you and break you to your core that one becomes numb to the happenings of life. No longer subject to ebbs and flows of emotion, one transforms into a dispassionate figure that has somehow transcended one of the defining trademarks tied to being a human being. A seeming rite of passage that reveals the world as it truly is - a fallen and cruel symphony that is undeniably orchestrated by the prince of evil.
Having known this, I've lost all faith in man and the world, so it is a grand surprise to me to have experienced such immense disappointment at effectively seeing my career hanging by a thread. Years and years of effort and failure culminated in a golden opportunity that I almost lost because I refused to take the jab. Unsurprisingly, this foreboding sign saw this end badly. Subsequent efforts to find other opportunities have proven disastrous and my final chance hangs by the inaction of a certain individual. I believe my corporate career is dead lest a miracle happens. Now, I don't ascribe the meaning of life to work or anything worldly. But I feel lost and a failure. I failed to compensate for my parent's efforts to realize the fleeting American Dream - a perpetual green light that always seems to be just within reach and then dissipates within one's hands. I know happiness and the fullness of existence are impossible in this world, and so those who chase these here are doomed to be slaves of disappointment and sadness.
I believe to myself to be the architect of my own demise - at least spiritually. I understand very well that despite the bleak outlook of the world that there is a hopeful promise of eternal life. Yet I am constantly sucked in by the hurt and pain of the past, my failures of the present, and the unbearable weight of the cross that I am now in a state of grave sin. I fall, and fall, and fall once more, trying to claw my way back and create some form of artificial hope - a motivating light in the horizon to which I can ascribe a taste of the happiness and love that I desire and that drives me away from the short-term promises of sin. However, I am drowning. I am lost and know not what I will do with my life - career wise and beyond. I walk entirely alone, sad, and paradoxically numb. I know I must cleanse my soul once more in confession but what I really need is a long term plan, a foolproof purpose subject to the bounds of this world and that is supplemental to the wider goal of eternal life. But for now, I fear I am not only losing the battle here but condemning myself forever.
I write these hidden sentiments here because I don't expect it to garner any attention as this forum is not necessarily frequented by anybody of my age nor is it invaded by millions of users. Furthermore, I live alone, and I know no one who would care enough to listen to whatever I say unless it serves a transactional purpose, so I am simply displacing these useless musings here.
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I have to say I'm really happy to see you active here again. I've been thinking of you off and on and praying for you. I think I get what you mean. I've been through a time or two when my salvation seemed hopeless. Conquering it is a grace from God alone on the level of even having the true and traditional faith, of which I am exceedingly thankful for. It can be near impossible to grow spiritually when alone or otherwise surrounded by worldly people. I welcome you to come visit way down south after Holy week.
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You are not alone. God is with you always. God is with all of us.
We will pray for you.
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Yup. You described pretty much where I'm at and in a very detailed way, like you read my mind and typed it up in here. You are definitely not alone in this fight. My story is probably different to yours but the same thought processes and conclusions nonetheless.
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It sounds as though the OP might be in need of a boost of the virtue of Hope. In the words of Fr. Wathen...
"…Jesus must be our hope, in that He should be all that we hope for. Now I ask you to consider this: what a man hopes for he will strive for, and what he hopes for will dominate what he is, it will dominate his actions because he will strive to fulfill that hope. The problem with most people is not only that Christ is not their hope, but they do not want what Christ offers them. That is why He does not promise them what they desire..."
All the rest, i.e. job, money, people, etc., is merely a (sometimes necessary) distraction which never really fully satisfies.
Go to Jesus through Mary, pray the rosary every day, lay your petitions at their feet and let Our Lord and Lady comfort you in your afflictions!
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It's so hard to grasp the paradox of God- I know I fight to understand it every day.
Your brokenness is a gift. After you sweep away the falsities of this shell of a world, all the hurt and disappointments, a deeper and more profound understanding of your existence with God is left. Don't see this as "failure" at all. It is an unveiling . He is allowing you to enter into the depths of His Heart. Don't run from it.
Go to confession and then thank Him for counting you worthy enough to share His Love at this level.
This is your Lent. Dive in.