Catholic Info
Traditional Catholic Faith => Catholic Living in the Modern World => Topic started by: EcceAgnusDei on October 25, 2010, 11:34:18 AM
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As I think more about my vocation, I begin to wonder whether if it is prudent for me to get married soon (which was my original plan) or to put off marriage until I have some sort of career in place. My fiance and I both agree that my role would be to stay at home if God blesses us with children but my worry is is something were to happen to him, for instance if he died, how would I support whatever children we had? Right now I have a bachelor in psychology but I can't really do anything with it unless I go to grad school. In my heart, I don't feel like more schooling is the right step for me but I can't help but worry that if anything were to happen, I wouldn't be able to support myself or any children I might have.
For those of you who are stay-at-home moms, did you have some sort of career beforehand? If not, do you ever worry about how you will bring in money if your marriage falls apart and your husband leaves or if something happens to him and he can't work?
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As I think more about my vocation, I begin to wonder whether if it is prudent for me to get married soon (which was my original plan) or to put off marriage until I have some sort of career in place. My fiance and I both agree that my role would be to stay at home if God blesses us with children but my worry is is something were to happen to him, for instance if he died, how would I support whatever children we had? Right now I have a bachelor in psychology but I can't really do anything with it unless I go to grad school. In my heart, I don't feel like more schooling is the right step for me but I can't help but worry that if anything were to happen, I wouldn't be able to support myself or any children I might have.
You cannot predict the future and be secure whatever the circuŠ¼stances. Get life insurance. Putting off marriage to go to graduate school is unbelievably foolish and inspired by the evil one. Particularly in psychology. I think the fact you have a degree you can't use suggests you wasted time on your education, not that you need more education.
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I know that in this bad economy, many people are having to make the choice "Do I A) go back to school to upgrade my degree and hopefully make more money, or B) cut back on our expenses"
Personally, I think (B) is much safer.
A lot of people are choosing (A) though -- especially after they invest 4 years in a degree that doesn't seem to help them find a job. They say, "well, I could go to graduate school and then maybe I'll be able to redeem the 4 years I've already spent in college"
There's a saying -- don't throw good money after bad.
Matthew
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I don't want to study more psychology in grad school, I was just pointing out that I can't do much with my current degree.
My worry is that if I marry now, I have no real skill set as far as bringing in money is concerned. Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself. It will be even harder if I have kids. This is a big concern for me because as much as he says he wouldn't leave me, there is no way to know for sure and it's always possible that he could die or get injured enough that he can't work.
In that situation, what would a woman do who has been a SAHM and has no profession? This is why I wonder if it's better to postpone marriage
so I can acquire some sort of profesional skills.
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My worry is that if I marry now, I have no real skill set as far as bringing in money is concerned. Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself. It will be even harder if I have kids. This is a big concern for me because as much as he says he wouldn't leave me, there is no way to know for sure and it's always possible that he could died or get injured enough that he can't work.
How does you situation differ from the situations of other women who married in the past?
You shouldn't go into marriage assuming your husband might leave you. I think they declare marriages null over prenuptual agreements because of that. (I wonder what the canon law history of that really is)
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My worry is that if I marry now, I have no real skill set as far as bringing in money is concerned. Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself. It will be even harder if I have kids. This is a big concern for me because as much as he says he wouldn't leave me, there is no way to know for sure and it's always possible that he could died or get injured enough that he can't work.
How does you situation differ from the situations of other women who married in the past?
You shouldn't go into marriage assuming your husband might leave you. I think they declare marriages null over prenuptual agreements because of that. (I wonder what the canon law history of that really is)
I'm not saying my situation is different. I just want to know from other women how they dealt with the situation. Didn't they worry about how they would take care of their family if something happened to their husband?
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My worry is that if I marry now, I have no real skill set as far as bringing in money is concerned. Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself. It will be even harder if I have kids. This is a big concern for me because as much as he says he wouldn't leave me, there is no way to know for sure and it's always possible that he could died or get injured enough that he can't work.
How does you situation differ from the situations of other women who married in the past?
You shouldn't go into marriage assuming your husband might leave you. I think they declare marriages null over prenuptual agreements because of that. (I wonder what the canon law history of that really is)
I'm not saying my situation is different. I just want to know from other women how they dealt with the situation. Didn't they worry about how they would take care of their family if something happened to their husband?
Tele's reply is what woman of the past used to do. I knew a woman who was about twelve years younger then her husband and when he was in his 40's he took out a hefty life insurance policy. She didn't work outside the home.
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4 years is too long a period to postpone a marriage just to acquire a degree that will more than likely be as useless as the one you have now. And even if you wanted to continue your studies, a marriage and children are not going to stand in the way of you getting it. I know plenty of people who are studying for their degree by correspondence or are attending classes on their schedule.
Hitch the trailer on the truck and let God take care of the traffic.
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As I think more about my vocation, I begin to wonder whether if it is prudent for me to get married soon (which was my original plan) or to put off marriage until I have some sort of career in place. My fiance and I both agree that my role would be to stay at home if God blesses us with children but my worry is is something were to happen to him, for instance if he died, how would I support whatever children we had? Right now I have a bachelor in psychology but I can't really do anything with it unless I go to grad school. In my heart, I don't feel like more schooling is the right step for me but I can't help but worry that if anything were to happen, I wouldn't be able to support myself or any children I might have.
For those of you who are stay-at-home moms, did you have some sort of career beforehand? If not, do you ever worry about how you will bring in money if your marriage falls apart and your husband leaves or if something happens to him and he can't work?
From a stay at home mom:
God finds a way for the man to provide. I worked as a CNA (my license is expired now because I didn't keep it up) until I had our third child, and that's when I stopped. I let him find a way.
The man is the breadwinner. Let him do it. God will make sure you have everything you need. If you do get into the situation of being a widow (God forbid), one of the duties of the Church is to take care of that in some way, along with your family. But no matter what, God will provide if you keep your place as a wife and mother.
That is a promise from God.
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As I think more about my vocation, I begin to wonder whether if it is prudent for me to get married soon (which was my original plan) or to put off marriage until I have some sort of career in place. My fiance and I both agree that my role would be to stay at home if God blesses us with children but my worry is is something were to happen to him, for instance if he died, how would I support whatever children we had? Right now I have a bachelor in psychology but I can't really do anything with it unless I go to grad school. In my heart, I don't feel like more schooling is the right step for me but I can't help but worry that if anything were to happen, I wouldn't be able to support myself or any children I might have.
For those of you who are stay-at-home moms, did you have some sort of career beforehand? If not, do you ever worry about how you will bring in money if your marriage falls apart and your husband leaves or if something happens to him and he can't work?
I was a career woman when I got married--finishing up a degree--and remained so until after our 3rd child was born. It was just something we were supposed to do, so we did it. It led us down a very dark and dangerous path.
When our 3rd son was about 2, we were also going through some spiritual changes as well and decided that, even with my pay, we weren't really earning all that much extra money. It just seemed my pay check was going to make an extra car payment, buy clothing for work, pay the baby sitter and after school care, etc. We calculated that after all the expenses, that I was actually contributing about 200 a month!
We began looking at the situation and praying a lot. We finally decided that really the best course of action was for me to return home. That was 8 years ago, and I haven't looked back since.
What did we have to do? A lot. We moved first to a smaller home. At the time we were renting, but find a cheaper home that fit into our one income budget was not easy. We also got rid of the extra car and became a 1 car family for about 3 years. We learned to live on a very small budget and we had a 4th child. Eventually we decided moving out of state where cost of living was lower and wages were higher would be our best option.
What have we done to assure my security if my husband dies before the children are old enough to support themselves? A few simple things---we purchased an insurance plan that will pay off the house if my husband dies or becomes terminally ill. It costs us $35 extra a month. We also have a life insurance policy--it's not much but that combined with a house pay off would pay the bills for awhile.
Honestly, if my husband did die unexpectedly I don't know what I would do. I suspect our oldest son would try to help out as best he could and by the time the others could work, they would. We'd all have to work extra hard to make ends meet, but we'd manage.
I'm fairly certain, though, that I wouldn't return to the work force in a professional capacity. If I had to I'd take in some baby sitting or do some house cleaning or elderly sitting or sewing.
In the meantime, I insist that both my husband and I take care of our health and eat properly, as best as we can. You can never really plan things like that, but you can be prepared.
The point is: I'm not afraid of not being able to take care of myself. IMO, this is a scare tactic that keeps feminism alive and well. Most husbands don't die at 43 leaving behind a young wife and 6 children.
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Sure, I had a career before I was married, but if something happened to my husband, would I choose to go back to it??
Probably not. It would be too difficult to find adequate care / education for my children while I'm busy working. And, putting them in childcare or public school just isn't an option for me.
We've worked hard in our married life thus far to reduce our routine expenses as much as possible by paying down/off debt/loans/mortgages. So, if something were to happen, the burden of paying bills would be somewhat lighter.
I'd imagine I would work SOME (esp since my prev career isn't difficult to do from home), but I don't ever see myself going back to an 8-5 job. We'd be finding other ways to make ends meet. (I do, fortunately, have plenty of family around for support.)
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Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself.
Entering into marriage thinking you could split is not the way to start your life together.
In case of catastrophic disaster get life insurance.
Maybe your just scared of having to be completely dependent on your husband. Which is normal, but that's marriage.
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Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself.
Entering into marriage thinking you could split is not the way to start your life together.
:applause:
I meant to put that in there, but I had forgotten.
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Maybe your just scared of having to be completely dependent on your husband.
Yes, that's it!
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Has your husband-to-be shown any signs that being able to take care of you (and any children that come along) might be a problem?
It's important to keep your eyes open before you marry. The more your higher faculties (i.e., reason) are active during the discernment process, the better. Emotions will lead you astray at least 1/2 of the time. Sometimes they tell you to do the right thing, other times they're dead wrong.
But feminine intuition is not just emotion -- it can be more useful in some cases than a man's faculty of reason. So pay attention to your feminine intuition as well -- sometimes you can't give a "reason" for something, but your intuitive judgment can be quite correct nevertheless.
There's an old wise saying, "Act in haste, repent at leisure."
In other words, act too hastily and you'll have plenty of time to regret your mistake.
Hopefully there's nothing bad to see in your case -- but it's good advice for any young person trying to discern their vocation, especially choosing a marriage partner. Marriage can make or break your life -- sometimes even your eternal salvation -- depending on who you choose. I'm sure you already know this, but it can't be said enough: marriage is the utmost of serious business for a Catholic.
Matthew
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But feminine intuition is not just emotion -- it can be more useful in some cases than a man's faculty of reason. So pay attention to your feminine intuition as well -- sometimes you can't give a "reason" for something, but your intuitive judgment can be quite correct nevertheless.
I agree. Sometimes you just feel bad about a situation, but decide to ignore your feelings and be reasonable, only to find out later that your initial feelings were right.
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Maybe your just scared of having to be completely dependent on your husband.
Yes, that's it!
It seems that marriage is not for you yet if you're not prepared of giving up everything for the sake of the family. As they say, women does more sacrifices in marriage than men.
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The situtation in the world is so bad right now, with degree or not, life is going to be a struggle. We are all in this boat together.
My opinion if you have someone you are thinking of getting married too, then do it. Life will be easier no matter what happens when the two of you are really together.
We all might have to add a little more water in the soup. But most importantly do God's Will.
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True enough Myrna. I can not get over how things have gotten so much more tight this past year. But, guess what? Beans and rice at dinner or spaghetti marinara and recipes from "The Hillbilly Housewife" and we are still living and happy. And, as you say God's will is most important of all
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You cannot predict the future and be secure whatever the circuŠ¼stances. Get life insurance. Putting off marriage to go to graduate school is unbelievably foolish and inspired by the evil one.
Why is this correct?
1. It is encouraged by and perpetuates the wage rate being based on two-income households;
2. It advances the false concept of gender equality in all individual regards, as opposed to the true concept of gender equality as a whole based on complementing virtues;
3. Putting off marriage leads to promiscuity in many instances;
4. Co-ed college settings lead to promiscuity in many settings;
5. It promotes a feeling of complete independence which weakens marital bonds;
6. Etc.
Particularly in psychology. I think the fact you have a degree you can't use suggests you wasted time on your education, not that you need more education.
Articulating this one really got me into trouble with my then girlfriend (now wife)! I was misguided as a student into a poli sci degree, and my after-the-fact bitterness about it made me feel a righteous liberation to bash that and all other social "science" degrees. They are disciplines of social "studies." I know the arguments that psych is neither. In any event, I have previously thought such disciplines were marketed so heavy for the benefit of department funding and faculty. But perhaps this, too, is a ploy to "force" students into additional years in school!
Telesphorus, my friend, I like your tough love/blunt straight talk approach. :cheers:
Despite my beliefs on this matter, I understand the reality of the world and the economy. I would like to see increasing numbers of people bucking and ultimately defeating this system sooner rather than later.
EcceDeiAgnus, you express concerns that are legitimate given the current state of the world. I wholeheartedly believe the points I've made. Though I believe these points merit serious consideration, I am by no means saying they are completely determinative in every individual's unique situation.
Putting off marriage and going into the college setting requires extra strength for many to remain true to the Catholic Faith, pure, etc. for both genders. Not that I fell into ALL the pitfalls alluded to, but I found my share--I would have been so much better off had I had a strong prayer-life and spiritual commitment during that time period.
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Reading everything you all wrote brings me to my next question.
If a woman knows her vocation is marriage and she wants to be a SAHM, what should she do until she finds a spouse.
For example, right now I don't make enough to support myself. If I was not living with my parents, I wouldn't be able to afford a place to live. I don't really want to go back to school but I don't see another option.
If things don't work out with my (I don't know what to call him) friend, am I just supposed to keep working a menial job until a man comes into my life?
What do other young Catholic women do who know their vocation is marriage?
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If things don't work out with my (I don't know what to call him) friend, am I just supposed to keep working a menial job until a man comes into my life?
If you said you weren't preparing for marriage you might be given other advice.
What do other young Catholic women do who know their vocation is marriage?
Better to marry younger than to wait forever selling clothes in the big city like a family member of mine!
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I worked a so-called "menial job" until I married when I was 23, and then when we began to have our children, I quit work and stayed home to raise and homeschool them.
What did young women do in the past, before the feminist dream of career fulfillment? These menial jobs you mention are necessary and worthwhile. They fill a need and because they aren't career ladder climbing types, it's easier to quit when you get married. That's what women did during the 20th century.
Before that, they stayed in the home and helped with the housework and taking care of the younger children, volunteered their time at church and in the community.
You could still do all of those things. Helping your family, working a decent job that brings in an adequate income, and helping others in your midst are all worthy endeavors.
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If things don't work out with my (I don't know what to call him) friend, am I just supposed to keep working a menial job until a man comes into my life?
If you said you weren't preparing for marriage you might be given other advice.
What do other young Catholic women do who know their vocation is marriage?
Better to marry younger than to wait forever selling clothes in the big city like a family member of mine!
I was preparing for marriage but my relationship just kinda fell apart.
I want to marry young but I can't do it alone. I'm also stuck in a big city so if I don't end up with my ex-fiance, my choices are very limited. :sad:
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When I was working I thought my jobs were trivial. Now I know they helped me to prepare for my "Real" job mom.
I was a prep cook, short order cook, chefs assistant, very useful skills to have when preparing three meals a day for a small army.
I worked in many group homes prepared me for running a household of this size. I already knew how to do massive amounts of laundry, dishes, and manage the need of so many different personalities. And of course how to clean the most vile of human messes.
The most important of my jobs was working as an aide in a state run mental hospital on the childrens unit. Where I saw first hand what happens to children who receive no guidance, discipline or love. I don't know if I would be as vigilant of a mother if I had not worked there.
If your comfortable living with your parents and its not a burden to them why leave?
If you want to leave, I often had 2 jobs and roomates to make living on my own possible. I
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I worked a so-called "menial job" until I married when I was 23, and then when we began to have our children, I quit work and stayed home to raise and homeschool them.
What did young women do in the past, before the feminist dream of career fulfillment? These menial jobs you mention are necessary and worthwhile. They fill a need and because they aren't career ladder climbing types, it's easier to quit when you get married. That's what women did during the 20th century.
Before that, they stayed in the home and helped with the housework and taking care of the younger children, volunteered their time at church and in the community.
You could still do all of those things. Helping your family, working a decent job that brings in an adequate income, and helping others in your midst are all worthy endeavors.
I have such a huge push from my family to go to school and do something with my intelligence instead of just being a secretary. I also worry that I might never find someone and then I would have wasted this time just doing something menial when I could have been doing more. I'm confused between the traditional mindset versus what most people tell women to do today. There also don't seem to be many men who want the same things I do.
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If things don't work out with my (I don't know what to call him) friend, am I just supposed to keep working a menial job until a man comes into my life?
If you said you weren't preparing for marriage you might be given other advice.
What do other young Catholic women do who know their vocation is marriage?
Better to marry younger than to wait forever selling clothes in the big city like a family member of mine!
I was preparing for marriage but my relationship just kinda fell apart.
I want to marry young but I can't do it alone. I'm also stuck in a big city so if I don't end up with my ex-fiance, my choices are very limited. :sad:
There are many, many fish in the sea, hon. There are plenty of available traditional Catholic men where I live. Why don't you go to one of those online Traditional Catholic dating sites and see what you come across? They do work.
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I worked a so-called "menial job" until I married when I was 23, and then when we began to have our children, I quit work and stayed home to raise and homeschool them.
What did young women do in the past, before the feminist dream of career fulfillment? These menial jobs you mention are necessary and worthwhile. They fill a need and because they aren't career ladder climbing types, it's easier to quit when you get married. That's what women did during the 20th century.
Before that, they stayed in the home and helped with the housework and taking care of the younger children, volunteered their time at church and in the community.
You could still do all of those things. Helping your family, working a decent job that brings in an adequate income, and helping others in your midst are all worthy endeavors.
I have such a huge push from my family to go to school and do something with my intelligence instead of just being a secretary. I also worry that I might never find someone and then I would have wasted this time just doing something menial when I could have been doing more. I'm confused between the traditional mindset versus what most people tell women to do today. There also don't seem to be many men who want the same things I do.
Sounds like you might have broken up with your "one and only" but maybe he wasn't for you and God has another right around the corner.
Have you thought of nursing, that is a career that will not be wasted, even if you become a stay at home mom, you will use the knowledge, and thinking of what the world might be like sooner or later, this is a career that will always be needed.
Even if you don't like patient care, there is always nurses for other than patient care and they all pay very well.
You might even meet your true love in school, or in the work place.
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I have such a huge push from my family to go to school and do something with my intelligence instead of just being a secretary. I also worry that I might never find someone and then I would have wasted this time just doing something menial when I could have been doing more. I'm confused between the traditional mindset versus what most people tell women to do today. There also don't seem to be many men who want the same things I do.
And what are you going to have to show for it at the end of your life, huh? A position as manager for a corporation that demands your whole day-to-day life and your natural human instincts as a sacrifice for your wages to be able to live on your own? The temporary boom of a company's stock share? A photo of yourself in a single issue of Business Magazine that will soon find it's way to the trash can?
How can a woman choose between an career empty of rewards and the opportunity to give life and bring children into the world and experience their love and innocence, not to mention lead them to the happiness of heaven and give them to God?
Whatever money you throw at a degree now, you will wish you had held on to later. You could be using it for something else useful. And if you dont have that money, why go into financial slavery (debt, and it IS slavery) to make the same mistake twice? It will take you years to pay off a college loan as many people are finding out today the hard way.
Seriously, who has the joy in life? Your family and peers obviously dont. Dont listen to them!
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I stand by what I previously said. But I have already pointed out that there may be unique situations. If your "Mr. Right" hasn't emerged and you have an interest in further education, then I would suggest consider the following:
1. All the perils previously referenced;
2. Can you get substantial scholarships as opposed to going DEEPLY in debt;
3. Can you find a CATHOLIC school that is reasonable for you to attend (geographically, financially, etc.) in your field;
4. How much will school impede your finding "Mr. Right?";
5. If "Mr. Right" comes along will you be open to rationally evaluating whether to finish school or drop out (not prejudging which would be the right course of action--remaining in school may be).
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I would like to point out something I experienced --
When I was on CatholicMatch, I chatted up several young ladies, most of whom ignored me of course. But several that DID talk with me seemed to be so engrossed in college I found myself wondering why they signed up for the site in the first place! It *is* called Catholic MATCH after all.
It's easy to get on a career "track" -- especially finishing a 4-year degree -- and pass up all kinds of good things that might be placed in your way. You might have tunnel vision about achieving your goals -- but is it God's will? Can a person TRULY complain that God hasn't sent someone, when He might have sent SEVERAL eligible bachelors her way, but she was too busy to give them the time of day?
Yes, it all worked out for me (I found the right one for me), but it doesn't change the fact that I met *several* women who had little time for looking around, discerning God's will, smelling the roses, etc as they pursued a college education. College takes a certain dedication and effort. It's also not something you "quit" easily.
Matthew