Author Topic: Question for Stay at Home Moms  (Read 3183 times)

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Offline EcceAgnusDei

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Question for Stay at Home Moms
« on: October 25, 2010, 11:34:18 AM »
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  • As I think more about my vocation, I begin to wonder whether if it is prudent for me to get married soon (which was my original plan) or to put off marriage until I have some sort of career in place. My fiance and I both agree that my role would be to stay at home if God blesses us with children but my worry is is something were to happen to him, for instance if he died, how would I support whatever children we had? Right now I have a bachelor in psychology but I can't really do anything with it unless I go to grad school. In my heart, I don't feel like more schooling is the right step for me but I can't help but worry that if anything were to happen, I wouldn't be able to support myself or any children I might have.
     
    For those of you who are stay-at-home moms, did you have some sort of career beforehand? If not, do you ever worry about how you will bring in money if your marriage falls apart and your husband leaves or if something happens to him and he can't work?

    Offline Telesphorus

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    Question for Stay at Home Moms
    « Reply #1 on: October 25, 2010, 12:26:47 PM »
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  • Quote from: EcceAgnusDei
    As I think more about my vocation, I begin to wonder whether if it is prudent for me to get married soon (which was my original plan) or to put off marriage until I have some sort of career in place. My fiance and I both agree that my role would be to stay at home if God blesses us with children but my worry is is something were to happen to him, for instance if he died, how would I support whatever children we had? Right now I have a bachelor in psychology but I can't really do anything with it unless I go to grad school. In my heart, I don't feel like more schooling is the right step for me but I can't help but worry that if anything were to happen, I wouldn't be able to support myself or any children I might have.


    You cannot predict the future and be secure whatever the circumstances.  Get life insurance.  Putting off marriage to go to graduate school is unbelievably foolish and inspired by the evil one.  Particularly in psychology.  I think the fact you have a degree you can't use suggests you wasted time on your education, not that you need more education.
     


    Offline Matthew

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    Question for Stay at Home Moms
    « Reply #2 on: October 25, 2010, 12:30:44 PM »
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  • I know that in this bad economy, many people are having to make the choice "Do I A) go back to school to upgrade my degree and hopefully make more money, or B) cut back on our expenses"

    Personally, I think (B) is much safer.

    A lot of people are choosing (A) though -- especially after they invest 4 years in a degree that doesn't seem to help them find a job. They say, "well, I could go to graduate school and then maybe I'll be able to redeem the 4 years I've already spent in college"

    There's a saying -- don't throw good money after bad.

    Matthew
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    Offline EcceAgnusDei

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    Question for Stay at Home Moms
    « Reply #3 on: October 25, 2010, 01:13:46 PM »
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  • I don't want to study more psychology in grad school, I was just pointing out that I can't do much with my current degree.

    My worry is that if I marry now, I have no real skill set as far as bringing in money is concerned. Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself. It will be even harder if I have kids. This is a big concern for me because as much as he says he wouldn't leave me, there is no way to know for sure and it's always possible that he could die or get injured enough that he can't work.

    In that situation, what would a woman do who has been a SAHM and has no profession? This is why I wonder if it's better to postpone marriage
     so I can acquire some sort of profesional skills.

    Offline Telesphorus

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    « Reply #4 on: October 25, 2010, 01:18:26 PM »
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  • Quote
    My worry is that if I marry now, I have no real skill set as far as bringing in money is concerned. Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself. It will be even harder if I have kids. This is a big concern for me because as much as he says he wouldn't leave me, there is no way to know for sure and it's always possible that he could died or get injured enough that he can't work.


    How does you situation differ from the situations of other women who married in the past?

    You shouldn't go into marriage assuming your husband might leave you.  I think they declare marriages null over prenuptual agreements because of that. (I wonder what the canon law history of that really is)


    Offline EcceAgnusDei

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    Question for Stay at Home Moms
    « Reply #5 on: October 25, 2010, 04:42:55 PM »
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  • Quote from: Telesphorus
    Quote
    My worry is that if I marry now, I have no real skill set as far as bringing in money is concerned. Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself. It will be even harder if I have kids. This is a big concern for me because as much as he says he wouldn't leave me, there is no way to know for sure and it's always possible that he could died or get injured enough that he can't work.


    How does you situation differ from the situations of other women who married in the past?

    You shouldn't go into marriage assuming your husband might leave you.  I think they declare marriages null over prenuptual agreements because of that. (I wonder what the canon law history of that really is)


    I'm not saying my situation is different. I just want to know from other women how they dealt with the situation. Didn't they worry about how they would take care of their family if something happened to their husband?

    Offline Cheryl

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    Question for Stay at Home Moms
    « Reply #6 on: October 25, 2010, 04:48:12 PM »
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  • Quote from: EcceAgnusDei
    Quote from: Telesphorus
    Quote
    My worry is that if I marry now, I have no real skill set as far as bringing in money is concerned. Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself. It will be even harder if I have kids. This is a big concern for me because as much as he says he wouldn't leave me, there is no way to know for sure and it's always possible that he could died or get injured enough that he can't work.


    How does you situation differ from the situations of other women who married in the past?



    You shouldn't go into marriage assuming your husband might leave you.  I think they declare marriages null over prenuptual agreements because of that. (I wonder what the canon law history of that really is)


    I'm not saying my situation is different. I just want to know from other women how they dealt with the situation. Didn't they worry about how they would take care of their family if something happened to their husband?


    Tele's reply is what woman of the past used to do.  I knew a woman who was about twelve years younger then her husband and when he was in his 40's he took out a hefty life insurance policy.  She didn't work outside the home.

    Offline Catholic Samurai

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    Question for Stay at Home Moms
    « Reply #7 on: October 25, 2010, 09:45:22 PM »
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  • 4 years is too long a period to postpone a marriage just to acquire a degree that will more than likely be as useless as the one you have now.  And even if you wanted to continue your studies, a marriage and children are not going to stand in the way of you getting it. I know plenty of people who are studying for their degree by correspondence or are attending classes on their schedule.

    Hitch the trailer on the truck and let God take care of the traffic.
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    Offline parentsfortruth

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    Question for Stay at Home Moms
    « Reply #8 on: October 25, 2010, 10:48:31 PM »
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  • Quote from: EcceAgnusDei
    As I think more about my vocation, I begin to wonder whether if it is prudent for me to get married soon (which was my original plan) or to put off marriage until I have some sort of career in place. My fiance and I both agree that my role would be to stay at home if God blesses us with children but my worry is is something were to happen to him, for instance if he died, how would I support whatever children we had? Right now I have a bachelor in psychology but I can't really do anything with it unless I go to grad school. In my heart, I don't feel like more schooling is the right step for me but I can't help but worry that if anything were to happen, I wouldn't be able to support myself or any children I might have.
     
    For those of you who are stay-at-home moms, did you have some sort of career beforehand? If not, do you ever worry about how you will bring in money if your marriage falls apart and your husband leaves or if something happens to him and he can't work?


    From a stay at home mom:

    God finds a way for the man to provide. I worked as a CNA (my license is expired now because I didn't keep it up) until I had our third child, and that's when I stopped. I let him find a way.

    The man is the breadwinner. Let him do it. God will make sure you have everything you need. If you do get into the situation of being a widow (God forbid), one of the duties of the Church is to take care of that in some way, along with your family. But no matter what, God will provide if you keep your place as a wife and mother.

    That is a promise from God.
    Matthew 5:37

    But let your speech be yea, yea: no, no: and that which is over and above these, is of evil.

    My Avatar is Fr. Hector Bolduc. He was a faithful parish priest in De Pere, WI,

    Offline CathMomof7

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    Question for Stay at Home Moms
    « Reply #9 on: October 25, 2010, 10:52:47 PM »
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  • Quote from: EcceAgnusDei
    As I think more about my vocation, I begin to wonder whether if it is prudent for me to get married soon (which was my original plan) or to put off marriage until I have some sort of career in place. My fiance and I both agree that my role would be to stay at home if God blesses us with children but my worry is is something were to happen to him, for instance if he died, how would I support whatever children we had? Right now I have a bachelor in psychology but I can't really do anything with it unless I go to grad school. In my heart, I don't feel like more schooling is the right step for me but I can't help but worry that if anything were to happen, I wouldn't be able to support myself or any children I might have.
     
    For those of you who are stay-at-home moms, did you have some sort of career beforehand? If not, do you ever worry about how you will bring in money if your marriage falls apart and your husband leaves or if something happens to him and he can't work?


    I was a career woman when I got married--finishing up a degree--and remained so until after our 3rd child was born.  It was just something we were supposed to do, so we did it.  It led us down a very dark and dangerous path.  

    When our 3rd son was about 2, we were also going through some spiritual changes as well and decided that, even with my pay, we weren't really earning all that much extra money.  It just seemed my pay check was going to make an extra car payment, buy clothing for work, pay the baby sitter and after school care, etc.  We calculated that after all the expenses, that I was actually contributing about 200 a month!

    We began looking at the situation and praying a lot.  We finally decided that really the best course of action was for me to return home.  That was 8 years ago, and I haven't looked back since.

    What did we have to do?  A lot.  We moved first to a smaller home.  At the time we were renting, but find a cheaper home that fit into our one income budget was not easy.  We also got rid of the extra car and became a 1 car family for about 3 years.  We learned to live on a very small budget and we had a 4th child.  Eventually we decided moving out of state where cost of living was lower and wages were higher would be our best option.

    What have we done to assure my security if my husband dies before the children are old enough to support themselves?  A few simple things---we purchased an insurance plan that will pay off the house if my husband dies or becomes terminally ill.  It costs us $35 extra a month.  We also have a life insurance policy--it's not much but that combined with a house pay off would pay the bills for awhile.  

    Honestly, if my husband did die unexpectedly I don't know what I would do.  I suspect our oldest son would try to help out as best he could and by the time the others could work, they would.  We'd all have to work extra hard to make ends meet, but we'd manage.  

    I'm fairly certain, though, that I wouldn't return to the work force in a professional capacity.  If I had to I'd take in some baby sitting or do some house cleaning or elderly sitting or sewing.  

    In the meantime, I insist that both my husband and I take care of our health and eat properly, as best as we can.  You can never really plan things like that, but you can be prepared.

    The point is:  I'm not afraid of not being able to take care of myself.  IMO, this is a scare tactic that keeps feminism alive and well.  Most husbands don't die at 43 leaving behind a young wife and 6 children.  

    Offline MaterDominici

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    Question for Stay at Home Moms
    « Reply #10 on: October 26, 2010, 12:34:29 AM »
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  • Sure, I had a career before I was married, but if something happened to my husband, would I choose to go back to it??

    Probably not. It would be too difficult to find adequate care / education for my children while I'm busy working. And, putting them in childcare or public school just isn't an option for me.

    We've worked hard in our married life thus far to reduce our routine expenses as much as possible by paying down/off debt/loans/mortgages. So, if something were to happen, the burden of paying bills would be somewhat lighter.

    I'd imagine I would work SOME (esp since my prev career isn't difficult to do from home), but I don't ever see myself going back to an 8-5 job. We'd be finding other ways to make ends meet. (I do, fortunately, have plenty of family around for support.)
    "If I could only make the faithful sing the Kyrie, the Gloria, the Credo, the Sanctus and the Agnus Dei ... that would be to me the finest triumph sacred music could have, for it is in really taking part in the liturgy that the faithful will preserve their devotion. I would take the Tantum ...


    Offline treadingwater

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    Question for Stay at Home Moms
    « Reply #11 on: October 26, 2010, 06:16:16 PM »
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  • Quote from: EcceAgnusDei
    Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself.


    Entering into marriage thinking you could split is not the way to start your life together.  
    In case of catastrophic disaster get life insurance.

    Maybe your just scared of having to be completely dependent on your husband.  Which is normal, but that's marriage.

    Offline parentsfortruth

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    « Reply #12 on: October 26, 2010, 06:28:36 PM »
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  • Quote from: treadingwater
    Quote from: EcceAgnusDei
    Assuming we have children, if my hus band-to-bed dies or if we end up splitting, I will have no way to support myself.


    Entering into marriage thinking you could split is not the way to start your life together.  


     :applause:

    I meant to put that in there, but I had forgotten.
    Matthew 5:37

    But let your speech be yea, yea: no, no: and that which is over and above these, is of evil.

    My Avatar is Fr. Hector Bolduc. He was a faithful parish priest in De Pere, WI,

    Offline EcceAgnusDei

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    « Reply #13 on: October 26, 2010, 10:28:21 PM »
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  • Quote from: treadingwater

    Maybe your just scared of having to be completely dependent on your husband.


    Yes, that's it!

    Offline Matthew

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    « Reply #14 on: October 26, 2010, 11:42:27 PM »
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  • Has your husband-to-be shown any signs that being able to take care of you (and any children that come along) might be a problem?

    It's important to keep your eyes open before you marry. The more your higher faculties (i.e., reason) are active during the discernment process, the better. Emotions will lead you astray at least 1/2 of the time. Sometimes they tell you to do the right thing, other times they're dead wrong.

    But feminine intuition is not just emotion -- it can be more useful in some cases than a man's faculty of reason. So pay attention to your feminine intuition as well -- sometimes you can't give a "reason" for something, but your intuitive judgment can be quite correct nevertheless.

    There's an old wise saying, "Act in haste, repent at leisure."
    In other words, act too hastily and you'll have plenty of time to regret your mistake.

    Hopefully there's nothing bad to see in your case -- but it's good advice for any young person trying to discern their vocation, especially choosing a marriage partner. Marriage can make or break your life -- sometimes even your eternal salvation -- depending on who you choose. I'm sure you already know this, but it can't be said enough: marriage is the utmost of serious business for a Catholic.

    Matthew
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