By Maggie Lite

(The Frisky)  -- When I got married, one of my oldest friends wrote on her card, "I am so glad you married someone so cool!" When she got married a year later, luckily I felt the same way.

I know we'll be friends for a long time, because I think she married someone that brings out the best in her, and she's making happy life choices as a result. I wish all of my friends fell into this category.

Many years ago, I watched a friend leap into a marriage at an extremely young age. I knew that her life goals were different than mine; all she ever wanted was to get married and to have children.

At times, with my topsy-turvy yet rewarding career, I often envied her simple life goals. However, I couldn't help but fear that she was rushing into a lifelong commitment to the first guy who was gung ho about marriage too.

As the years went on, something shifted in my friend. I watched her husband talk down to her frequently, and her behavior changed as a result.

He would say things like, "Is that the shirt you're wearing tonight?"

"Yeah, I like it," she'd say.

"Uhh, OK, well, if you like it..."

While that may not seem so bad, what angered me about comments like this was that he wanted to plant a seed in her that she looked bad, without telling her that she did. And he always made sure to say things like that in front of her friends.

She started acting more insecurely, as a result, and was not the person I used to be friends with. She spoke with less confidence, and let him run the show.

When spending time with them, I always held my ground with her over-competitive/argumentative husband, but always left feeling angrier. Board games were a nightmare, as he would fight over every little rule, looking for ways to assure that he would beat his wife and my team at all costs.

I often stuck up for my friend, but more and more I realized that you cannot rationalize with an irrational person. I wondered how she could get through a lifetime with him if I couldn't get through dinner.

Naturally, I started pulling back from seeing her. I often attempted to see her without him, but even then it pained me to see the shell of the person I once knew.

I understood that she had to be happy with some aspects of her life; she had children, she owned a home, she was married just like she had always wanted. But I saw a change in her after she married him that I just couldn't shake.

It's been about 10 years since their wedding, and we hardly speak at all. They are still married, and I really hope she is happy. But I often fantasize about bringing back the vivacious, joyful girl I once knew.

She did teach me a lesson through example however ... because I watched her rush into what I believed to be a bad decision, I waited a long time to get married, even though I experienced serious relationships. I watched a lot of friends marry before me, and although I was envious, I had other things going on in my life to focus on.

And when I finally got married, the man I chose to spend my life with made me feel more confident than anyone or anything ever had before. Almost all of my friends personally told me how much they liked him, and he played fair and square at board games.

I invited my friend and her husband to our wedding, and was moved that although we barely speak now, they came so far to be there for us as we took our vows.

She looked beautiful that day, and I really hope I wasn't the only one who told her so.

What an article!

Grasping at straws, she is!

One comment the friend's husband made -- could be innocent, for all we know -- and the fact he's competitive makes him a bad guy?

When women are competitive, it's supposed to be a great thing...
Why can't men be competitive?

Notice she begrudgingly admits that they're still together 10 years later, that they came to her wedding, etc. -- where's the hard evidence of a real problem, beyond sour grapes and gossip?

I think somebody is more envious than she lets on.

I too used to think that marrying young (before ~21) was a bad thing, but for some reason the "rules" about establishing yourself and your career first wasn't what influenced this thought.

My thoughts when this age were that the parties to the marriage were not grown enough -- that they would still be very different adults than the "children" they were at 18. For the most part this is correct, but it has a lot to do with public education and the fact that many "children" don't make a real decision for themselves in life until after they've left home.

Now, I think I still hold that opinion about men, but can justify a woman moving straight from her parents' guidance into her husband's. Today, I see a lot of value in having a bit of a difference in age between the husband and wife.

Tele -- do you think young men should be allowed to marry as freely as young women??

I find there's far more objection to a man over 30 talking to an 18 year old girl than there is to a boy seriously dating during his first year of college.

I can just guess what they would say at fisheaters about this.

No one can say it isn't Catholic for a man over 30 to marry a woman under 20.

But you would think it's worse than any heresy by the way people react to it.

I would say, it's probably ideal for a girl to marry at 17 or 18 (which in the past was when most women had just reached full maturity) and for a man to marry at 24.  Indeed that age seems to be when many women tend to fall in love. Ten years difference shouldn't be a problem.  

Another fact that is not discussed a great deal is the fact that girls tend to prefer men who are older.

Our oldest son is 18 and has recently gone off to university.  He is doing well.  We had this conversation before he left.  We talked about the fact that, historically, the man has usually been several years older than the woman, mainly because he is a provider.  I have also explained that he would be much better off if he chooses a younger woman, around 18-21, when he marries.  This discussion made perfect sense to him.   He can see no value in marrying a "career" woman.  

That article was utter rubbish. I still think that what might have been the norm 1500 years ago is not something that is applicable in today's society. People married 10 year old girls a long time ago.

Show me when Catholics did that?

 

A 10 year old girl today is no where near what she was mature-wise, skill-wise, etc., as yesteryear.

Why are you bringing ten year olds into this?  It has absolutely no relation to this discussion.  According to Canon Law an 18 year old has reached majority and can marry who they wish without parental consent.  To me it sounds like you're trying to smear those who defend early marriage.  If you're not, what you're saying it is a very stupid comparison.  Are you from fisheaters?

 If the couple today is relatively close in age (same, or fluctuating within 5 years), there's a much higher chance for common interests, sharing of bonds, relationship growing, rather than "hey I'm the provider and you're the baby-maker".

The primary end of marriage is procreation.  A husband supports a wife who bears his children.  That's Catholic marriage.  If you're more concerned about "common interests" (as though people who differ in age cannot have common interests!) then you have your priorities totally skewed.  Common Faith is more important than common interests.

Don't get me wrong, I'm traditional to the core, but is that the norm that the most important thing id of mars the man needs to be just the provider (no emotion), and the woman is just the baby-grower (no emotion back to him)?

No, you're not traditional to the core.  Who said there should not be mutual love?  Why do you keep advancing straw men?  First you talk about ten year olds getting married, now you suggest someone thinks women are just babymakers?  Are you too dense to realize those are despicable straw men?

Creating life is an amazing experience, I'm sure of it, but marriage has a unitive component that should also be addressed in order to facilitate a healthy marriage (aka going on dates still even after 10 years of being together, buying flowers (or growing your own, if you are a real OTG'er), and going on a vacation every now and then (local or abroad... more likely local in today's political/financial climate).

What miserable terminology.  "Unitive component"  No one is saying anyone should marry someone they don't want to marry.  Yes people marry, secondarily, to alleviate concupiscence and for mutual support.  Who are you arguing with?

Parents need to be the Catholic mentors they should be...teaching starts in the home...but the home must learn first from the Church.

What point are you trying to make?

Quote from: Telesphorus

The primary end of marriage is procreation.

Actually, the primary end of marriage is the procreation and education of children.

Let's be clear though.  What is meant by the "education of children" has almost nothing to do with college education.

I don't know if anyone holds here holds opinions I am going to criticize here, but this needs to be said:

I don't think someone who is a thoughtful believing Catholic can consider it more important for a girl to get a college education than to bear children and avoid the occasions of sin by marriage.  I don't think they can really believe 4 years of mediocre learning and exposure to a sub-culture of vice on the college campus is a better use of the best years of a woman's life than devotion to her husband and children.  I don't think you can really have a sense of Catholicism if you object more to a girl marrying a man older than her than to a girl being exposed to the worst influences in modern society in the name of education.  I don't think you can really be Catholic if you compare someone wanting to marry an 18 year old to someone who wants to marry a ten year old, but send young people to coeducational dens of vice, and make light of sin by considering the typical conduct of young people to be indiscretions of youth.  I don't think you can really have a sense of the Catholic Faith if you think it's more important for a girl to be "mature" (how ridiculous that modern people define maturity as being close to the age of barrenness) have a college diploma and an affirmative action based career than to be a virgin at her marriage.

Quote from: clare

Quote from: Telesphorus

The primary end of marriage is procreation.

Actually, the primary end of marriage is the procreation and education of children.

Let's be clear though.  What is meant by the "education of children" has almost nothing to do with college education.

I wasn't thinking of that.

In today's society, school-schooling is becoming less of an option (unless you're lucky enough to live near an SSPX school). So, what does the large Catholic family who wants to give their children a good sound Catholic education do? Supposing they actually are not very good at home-schooling, but rightly do not want to send their children to school? They may fulfill the "procreation" part of the primary end, but the "education" part is not so easy!