Yesterday, I went to confession. It was a rare time, but I did not feel 'good' about it after the fact. I know feelings have nothing to do with belief, but usually I have a sense of joy knowing I'm in the state of grace.
Well, yesterday, for whatever reason, I was overwhelmed with a sense of sorrow for the atrocities I've committed against our Heavenly Father. I was upset at myself for having treated God in such a horrible way. God has been nothing but pure Goodness to me. He has given me much more than I deserve, and I deserve nothing but the pains of hell. Yet, I never seem to cease to turn my back to him at some point or another. :cry:
So yesterday, I left confession, a huge weight began to sit on me, and I felt needed to speak to a Catholic. So I called my priest (I went to confession to a chapel closer to my work, not my normal spiritual director). He wasn't available, so I called a friend, who was unfortunately unavailable at that moment (poor guy I never called him back) and then my priest called me back.
As I spoke to him, I ended up telling him everything going on in my heart and mind these past few months. How I've sinned against God, and not put my trust in He and His mother. I told him how I was saying the Rosary a couple of months ago, and every time I said it, I would have greater and greater temptations (many of which I regrettably caved into). I KNEW it was the devil attacking me, but I stopped saying it so the temptations would cease. I told my priest how I wish we didn't have to be tempted (he, of course, explained why it was necessary).
What has been most disturbing is the fact that God has continually given me the grace to find the Truth in His beautiful Church and religion; its all here- right in front of me. I read it, yet, when it comes down to it, I always fail God. Its like, I curse God (through my actions) and he remains there afterwards; Christ, ready to receive me.
I wished that God would take me there and then, after confession. Send me to purgatory, I know I will suffer there, only let me guarantee my salvation. This way I can be with Our Lord. Its not like I even deserve salvation. I want to stop offending God, but I'm still here in this life. I know I have my responsibility in my family, but I want to stop offending God.
I was brought to tears on my ride home at the horrible things I've done in my life; fortunately I have a long drive, so was able to 'regroup' before arriving to my family. All the horrible ways I've hurt Him, who has done nothing but give me His glorious blessing. I was a bit emotionally drained when I got home, but I plopped my wife and eldest on the couch and we said our Rosary. I promised Our Lord that I would not sin again yesterday, but it was different that the usual promise I make to him. It was more profound. I will whole heartedly not sin against my God, my loving Saviour.
I'm just rambling, sorry. Thought I would share this, though I don't know why.