Author Topic: Overwhelmed... (Read 992 times)

s2srea · « **on:** September 07, 2011, 08:02:48 AM »

Yesterday, I went to confession. It was a rare time, but I did not feel 'good' about it after the fact. I know feelings have nothing to do with belief, but usually I have a sense of joy knowing I'm in the state of grace.

Well, yesterday, for whatever reason, I was overwhelmed with a sense of sorrow for the atrocities I've committed against our Heavenly Father. I was upset at myself for having treated God in such a horrible way. God has been nothing but pure Goodness to me. He has given me much more than I deserve, and I deserve nothing but the pains of hell. Yet, I never seem to cease to turn my back to him at some point or another. :cry:

So yesterday, I left confession, a huge weight began to sit on me, and I felt needed to speak to a Catholic. So I called my priest (I went to confession to a chapel closer to my work, not my normal spiritual director). He wasn't available, so I called a friend, who was unfortunately unavailable at that moment (poor guy I never called him back) and then my priest called me back.

As I spoke to him, I ended up telling him everything going on in my heart and mind these past few months. How I've sinned against God, and not put my trust in He and His mother. I told him how I was saying the Rosary a couple of months ago, and every time I said it, I would have greater and greater temptations (many of which I regrettably caved into). I KNEW it was the devil attacking me, but I stopped saying it so the temptations would cease. I told my priest how I wish we didn't have to be tempted (he, of course, explained why it was necessary).

What has been most disturbing is the fact that God has continually given me the grace to find the Truth in His beautiful Church and religion; its all here- right in front of me. I read it, yet, when it comes down to it, I always fail God. Its like, I curse God (through my actions) and he remains there afterwards; Christ, ready to receive me.

I wished that God would take me there and then, after confession. Send me to purgatory, I know I will suffer there, only let me guarantee my salvation. This way I can be with Our Lord. Its not like I even deserve salvation. I want to stop offending God, but I'm still here in this life. I know I have my responsibility in my family, but I want to stop offending God.

I was brought to tears on my ride home at the horrible things I've done in my life; fortunately I have a long drive, so was able to 'regroup' before arriving to my family. All the horrible ways I've hurt Him, who has done nothing but give me His glorious blessing. I was a bit emotionally drained when I got home, but I plopped my wife and eldest on the couch and we said our Rosary. I promised Our Lord that I would not sin again yesterday, but it was different that the usual promise I make to him. It was more profound. I will whole heartedly not sin against my God, my loving Saviour.

I'm just rambling, sorry. Thought I would share this, though I don't know why.

ServusSpiritusSancti · « **Reply #1 on:** September 07, 2011, 09:18:00 AM »

s2srea, I'm glad you shared this. It's this kind of attitude that all Catholics needs to follow. So many Novus Ordites these days have an attitude similar to the Protestants, just worship God and go to Mass and I'm fine. When in reality, that's not how it works. Salvation is a life-long process, you can lose it in an instant.

The devil likes to tempt people when praying, especially during a prayer such as the Rosary. I myself am tempted while praying the Rosary quite often with certain thoughts put in my head I'd much rather not have in there. The devil will tempt us as long as we live, it's important to remember not to go into despair. That is exactly what the devil wants us to do, he wants us to feel trapped and feel that there is no way out. We should pray frequently that we are able to overcome our temptations. The devil is stronger than we are, we won't overcome temptation without the help of Jesus and Mary.

I suggest you continue to pray your Rosary daily. I started saying mine daily in June 2009. It has transformed my life. I went from being a spiritually lazy Novus Ordite to a Traditional Catholic who strives to please God. I continue to say mine daily through the temptations. So continue to say yours, you will benefit greatly. Be assured of prayers from me that you overcome your temptations.

God Bless.

Graham · « **Reply #2 on:** September 07, 2011, 09:25:42 AM »

Take comfort, the gift of tears is a sign of election.

SouthernBelle · « **Reply #3 on:** September 07, 2011, 10:30:58 AM »

When I was a protestant, an experience such as you have had would have been referred to as "godly sorrow" - that deep down, gut-wrenching awareness of how you have transgressed against God that brings you to your knees, often literally. I had an experience like that about 13 years ago (before I was Catholic), and I still remember crying as if something had broken inside me. Afterwards, though, even though I felt emotionally drained, it was as if I had a deep feeling of peace inside of me and I knew that my "personal relationship with Jesus Christ" had changed forever.

Now you will want to do good and avoid evil/sin out of love of God, rather than because you "dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell." It doesn't mean you will always succeed - we are human, we all stumble and fall - but your reason for wanting to succeed has changed.

May God bless you on this new stage of your spiritual life.

s2srea · « **Reply #4 on:** September 07, 2011, 11:29:58 AM »

Thanks you guys :cheers:

Daegus · « **Reply #5 on:** September 07, 2011, 04:06:19 PM »

You are lucky that you even feel anything.

Most of the time I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything when going to Mass. It's almost like a waste of time. I don't feel anything while praying. That also feels like a waste of time. It's very hard to pray when you feel like you're wasting your time. I believe but I always feel as though I'm wasting my time, as if there's no point to anything. It's almost as if I cannot connect with anything. Truly, I am empty in more ways than one. It's hard to be fervent when you feel so empty. In fact, I've never been miserable in this way before I even cared about the faith. I often have no hope that I can defeat my vices, not that I don't trust God but rather don't trust myself.

I often wonder what will become of me when I die.. I've been playing around with my soul for longer than I'd like to admit and often wonder what will do me in. Will I be hit by a bus, a car? Choked to death by a demon? Who knows.. I don't know if I've ever really been in the state of grace for a long time. I've confessed my sins many times but it just keeps happening over and over. So what's the problem? Obviously I am either not really sorry and/or don't care to stop, or I would. Why bother trying to stop when you always fail? Again.. the empty feeling. You know the sins are wrong and can tell they're destroying you but you can't stop doing it... And of course as you do it the feeling of emptiness only keeps growing.

At least you care about offending God in such a way. You don't think about having perfect contrition the moment you do something. That is always my problem.. Thinking about it.. Which is why it's highly likely I don't have it. I always think too much. I can't even bring myself to cry over anything. The best I can do is have watery eyes and even that has to be somewhat forced. I can't even say I love God, because if I did that would mean I would be following His commandments, which I don't. This is why I do not want anyone to ever call me holy. I can never seem to properly follow the commandments no matter how much I try. The only people who really even pray for me are all (basically) faithless and are headed to Hell themselves, making their prayers almost useless. It's an unfortunate reality that is not quite easy to accept.

So, count your blessings while you still can. You are in a better position than most others, including myself. Some people don't even have any faith whatsoever and are doomed beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Sigismund · « **Reply #6 on:** September 07, 2011, 08:01:39 PM »

Fortunately we are Catholics, and unlike many Protestants we know that we do not have to feel sorry in some emotional sense to be sorry. And God could not be more ready to forgive us.