Thank you all so much for your answers and advice.
You're all right about various things you picked up on.
First thing I want to emphasize, and I think many of you understood this, our son is a good kid (young man). He has never caused us any trouble. He's hardworking and responsible ... and until he joined the fire dept., he'd been remarkably free from corrupting influences. He also is essentially honest, although, obviously, he is keeping things from us, from me ... and I agree Raoul that in some kind of perverse way, it is a type of respect.
He goes to Mass with us every Sunday ... except when things like the class he's taking requires a all day Sunday session, or the ski park has training on both Saturday and Sunday starting at 8am and going all day (this drives me crazy ... no one has one ounce of respect for Sunday and going to church at all anymore)
Also, referencing my comment about my H., I thought about it again after I posted and knew it wasn't the right thing to say. I have reached times of absolute feelings of terror in regard to the differences between my H and myself with regard to moral issues and practicing the Faith. You're right that I'm a hardliner "legalist" and I have been seeing things more clearly this year than ever before. I have been wrong many, many times ... and yet I can't seem to bring myself not to say something to my H when it comes to this seeming huge disparity in our beliefs. My H is more prone to laxity and I'm obviously more prone to scrupulosity. Having said that I realize that my H has many excellent qualities, not the least of which is that he's here and he supports his family and he's incredibly loyal.
Frankly, if anything has an adverse affect on our family over the years, it's been this lack of meeting of minds between my H and myself. I have not been able to get to that place of trusting his spiritual leadership because of this ... and I know that's not good. So as others have said, this is not unrelated to how he deals with me and how we end up battling each other instead of addressing the problem.
Only one young man (teenager younger than my son) is Catholic and goes to Mass regularly .. but he moved to a different fire dept last year .. and he's not around anymore. Not one other firefighter goes to a Protestant church let alone Catholic Mass. The chiefs are not good examples. The girls that hang out at the dept are either daughters of the chief, or as lately, one "mascot" firefighter girl who has sexy pictures put up all over the internet. The daughters are not good girls either ... I won't go into all that.
But the fact is .. .where are the good girls? There are no good girls! We've talked to our son about that .. and I realized recently here we've told him don't do this, don't do that (or I have) and yet what's the alternative plan of action? Where will he meet a nice, Catholic girl? We live in a small town, we have one parish church (Novus Ordo) and are 4 hours from the nearest FSSP. We have no options in that regard.
I've wanted to leave this area for 10 of the 13 years we've lived here ... and my H would not budge. Now we couldn't sell our house if we wanted to and we're stuck. It's very frustrating .. and our daughter has virtually no options for part time job or schooling .. our local community college has had lots of budget cuts and unless you're going into fire fighting or nursing ... there's not much here. Our daughter joined the N.O. youth group to at least meet some kids her own age that are "Catholic" ... what a joke. They don't know their Faith at all .. and are unfortunately, seemingly retarded in their mental abilities. Daughter is frustated and bored ..
As you can see from my avatar, St. Monica picked me when I converted to Catholicism and she knew what she was doing! I resisted her for a long time for some reason and now in the last year I've turned to ask for her prayers many times.
My H came home from business trip last night (after we'd talked on the phone) and he said he'd have a talk with son today. That's all I can hope for. Thank you all again you've really helped me. It's so comforting to know that others have been through things like this themselves.