I have been married for nearly 20 years.  My H is a Novus Ordo cradle Catholic, sanguine in temperment.  I am a convert to Catholicism (in the year 2000) having been nominally raised, due to my grandparent's, in the Greek Orthodox Church.  I am predominantly choleric in temperment.

When my H and I met, we were teenagers intent of having "fun."  I'd managed to avoid the dating scene in high school and at 18 I figured I needed to make up for lost time.

My H was a partier all the way through his teens, twenties, even thirties and to a lesser extent, his forties.

I'd been raised by parents indoctrinated into the hippie culture and all that implies.  So when I met my future H the fact that he "partied" wasn't a deterrent to pursuing a relationship.  

We married 5 years later and had two children in the next 4 years.  Slowly but surely and helped along by the untimely death of my mother ... I began seeking and found myself looking into the practice of Christianity.  

It's been a long, long journey ... but I've been changing from about 1994 onward ... and reevaulating what it means to be a Christian and trying to practice Catholicism with honesty and integrity.

My H on the other hand is very easy going about most things .... helped by his temperment and furthered by his "party" attitude and behavior.  In his defence, I will say that he has changed tremendously since our early days and has improved a great deal.  The extent that he is able, he takes his faith seriously enough that we attend Mass weekly as a family, and we pray together every night before bed.  We've also begun going to a Traditional Mass parish every once in a while (it's over 250 miles away).

The problem is, the only type of people that my H ever wants to be friends with are ...frankly ... loser types whose big interest in life is getting together and drinking beer and also smoking marijuana. The attitude is of the never mature "boy" man who is part of the snowboard, surfer, skateboard subculture.

He has this group of friends that he must see every Thursday night to drink and eat dinner and then ultimately, they have to spend the rest of the evening playing poker at one of the divorced guy's houses ... He leaves around 5:30 pm and returns around 1:30 am.

Two or three of the main men in this group are married and have children.  His "best" friend, and probably the one that provides the marijuana to him is a respectable real estate agent with 4 children and a marriage of 17 years or so. So, obviously, what they're doing is "okay" and acceptable because they're still managing to take care of their families.

The rest, about 4-5 of them, are divorced.  NONE of them are Catholics of even the Novus Ordo variety.

The biggest problem here, isn't even the getting together, the late night, the divorced friends or the beer drinking ... over the last 5 years or so, several times a year, I "catch" my H smelling of marijuana smoke.

This leads to confrontations, arguments, demands and ultimately, I give up ... put it out of my mind ... and things go back to "normal" with H admitting that he's done it, that he's wrong and that's it.  He never agrees to change, to stop seeing these friends or to do anything differently.

So far our children don't know this about their father, and I think their father thinks he's getting away with it ... He knows I'm not going to tell them or try to expose him publicly.  The other part of this, is that we talk about drugs and about how it's wrong and illegal and a sin to harm the human body with burning leaves that cause a distortion in mood and a risk to life in operating a vehicle ....

And the worst thing that my lying, deceiving husband will engage in conversation that's going on as if he's on this side too!  He's completely two faced and apparently comfortable playing dual roles as upstanding husband and father on one side, and low level pack mentality guy with the party, "hang loose" attitude.

My son thinks that his Dad is an honest, upstanding person who wouldn't do drugs! Our son is very honest, hardworking, reliable, decent kid.  He is almost 18, and he has joined the fire department and is pursuing a career there.  He has not done drugs, or drunk alcohol ... doesn't go to parties, doesn't date, etc.  He's not "weird" either.  He's a really good kid, who takes his faith seriously and hasn't been "caught" by the party culture garbage that my H is still addicted to.

It makes me SICK to think that there's nothing I can do about this!  I can't prevent my son from finding out.  I can't make my husband stop.  He could care less what I think.

He told me today that it was "his problem" one that he would have to "struggle with" and that it had nothing to do with spending time with these particular friends!  I told him that you're known by the company you keep, and he insists that it's not true!

Okay.  So I made my bed.  I married this man knowing what he was about.  His attachment to his friends was a problem then and it continues to be a problem.  Different set of friends, same old problem.  You can always find friends to party with ... not very hard to do.

Yes, he doesn't go out as much.  Yes, he holds a job and takes care of the family (food, clothing, shelter).  He is here and has a good relationship with his children.

But I feel he's taking a huge risk at losing his children's trust and respect by continuing this ILLEGAL, immoral behavior.  I'm worried he'll be arrested.  I'm worried he'll get  DUI.  I'm worried someone else will find out, like the men our son knows and works with.  I'm worried about the connection between seeking to be "high" to escape one's perceived problems (and he doesn't have any, btw) and not trusting in God.

And I'm the bad guy here for not only bringing it up, but for trying to make him make serious changes in his life.

"The fool faces temptation, the wise man runs away."  (author unknown)

What am I supposed to do about this? I'm really upset and I need help.  I think I'm supposed to pray, make sacrifices and make sure I'm being faithful to my state in life, as in being a good wife and mother.  But I have such a lack of respect for my husband because of this.  I'm repulsed by his self indulgence and his lack of real care for what I think and feel.  And his presumptuous attitude about God's Mercy .... I often think that he actually thinks God winks at his transgressions!  (He finds himself rather charming...)

Also, this is not an invitation to debate the use of marijuana and comparing it to alcohol or prescription drugs.  As far as I'm concerned, they are all, in a matter of degree, negative in terms of bodily harm, and spiritual damage.  Marijuana is illegal and the law against it's use and distribution is NOT unjust.  It is not infringing upon our liberty as free citizens.  That's nonsense.

We're supposed to be clear minded, not inebriated, when the Lord comes again, we're supposed to be vigilant, and I believe that those among us who spend their time anesthesizing their brains are putting themselves in mortal danger when the time comes for them to be called home.  How on earth can they be prepared to face Judgment Day under these circuмstances?  How much prayer and self sacrifice and PENANCE is going on when one is stoned or drunk?

Help me, please!

God Bless,
MrsZ

Thank you for that.  It's 'funny' how when you've been married this long...ultimately, that's all you really care about, is how the kids' are doing.  I am extremely disappointed in my H, and I realize that he's likely got a mental list of all the ways in which I've let him down, too.  But, it's like when people say that they've "grown apart" that's what has happened to us.  While H says that his faith is very important to him .... he still seems to think he live two different lives.

I can learn to swallow my feelings for the sake of our children ... I only want them to live lives that have God at the center, and ultimately, to have better marriages than we do.

God Bless,
MrsZ

I would also like to add that the son of my mother's cousin had a nervous breakdown when his parents divorced - and he was 19 years old. He never knew that there were problems between his mother and father, so it was a shock when his father left.

So, like I said, finding things about your parents that you never would have imagined can still impact some people (especially sensitive people) - even into their twenties.

MrsZ I certainly don't think what you have said is any justification for separation, or even thinking about it.

Did your marriage vows have an opt-out clause in the case he smoked a joint from time to time?

It's true that no one is perfect. It's also true that any fault will be annoying, especially certain faults that particularly rub you the wrong way. It would be hard to pick a fault for your spouse to have.

But after many years, certain fault/habits CAN seem intolerable. But that is why the marriage vows are so solemn, and society used to protect them with everything in its power. Marriage IS difficult, more times than not. There are always issues to work out, times when you just have to get through the day, etc.

Sedetrad made a good point, as did Elizabeth -- sometimes the grass is always greener on the other side. A corollary to that is "The grass is always browner on your side".

I think MOST major faults -- alcoholism, drug use, addiction to TV, wasting money, dishonesty, stealing, lying, shallowness, bad temper, laziness, lack of compassion, lack of discipline, failure to discipline children, failure to communicate, improvidence (failing to support family), pornography, spousal abuse, immaturity -- would be hard to live with. That's why the marriage vows are permanent, and why choosing a spouse is such an important task that can't be emphasized enough to young people.

God bless,

Matthew