You are at extremely high risk for a relationship with another abuser. You have done it once before. I say this to you like one alcoholic knows another.

This is feminist talk.  She has already accused men here of being abuser types.

Unfortunately, some women have a desire to be abused and to also gain sympathy for the abuse they've received, even though they sought it out.

I'm not saying PW is that type.  

Now this desire that some women feel is a perversion of a natural desire to be held accountable and given guidance by a man who isn't afraid to do so.

There is certainly such as thing as "spousal abuse".

The traditional roles men & women play in Catholic marriage does NOT constitute abuse. I'm not saying that because a woman is submitting to a man, giving up her career to raise a large family, depending on a man for support, etc. that she is being abused. THAT is feminist talk.

But some men feel the need to grind women into the ground, playing off their feelings of inadequacy, guilt, etc. to make themselves feel "big". It's sick of course, but there are MANY examples of this out there today in the modern world, and I'm sure there are even a few Catholics that have this problem.

Men naturally live on "ego", just like women live on "love". But Original Sin and other factors can twist these natural things into monstrous shapes.

Women's desire for love can lead to immorality, vanity, etc.
Man's desire for ego boost can lead to being abusive, unjust, etc.

Sorry Matthew, but it's men who want a woman's love and women who are more vain.  How you could possibly reverse these things is beyond me.

Men don't typically pursue women because "she will make me a great man" - men pursue women for marriage to a large degree because they want a woman to love them.

It's women who wish to raise their status by marriage.

Now many women choose abusers.  Most women tend to test the men they're with - and they will escalate conflicts to dangerous levels as part of the test.  

In the feminist police state that leads to disastrous situations.

Like The Quiet Man except John Wayne ends up in prison because Maureen O'Hara engaged in vindictive lying after calling 911.

Instead of being dragged ten miles from the train station like she deserved.

The truly sadistic abusers are the types who ought to be taken out and shot - unfortunately, they tend to be the ones who get away with it.  It's relatively innocent men who typically get punished - false accusations of abuse are very convenient tool for women and for bullies who wish to appear to be "protecting" women.

Most of the males who make a show of being incensed over a woman getting slapped don't really think it's such a horrible crime or is the worst thing in the world: but they salivate at the prospect of seeing a man taken away in chains - a man who isn't whipped the way they are whipped.

It's women who wish to raise their status by marriage.

Do men or women care more if their potential mate dresses well, drives a nice car, has a prestigious job or rich family?

Whose vanity is more important to relationships?

Wow...

I was not expecting a thread about frumpy nightgowns to go this direction.  I really don't know what to say.  I appreciate the concern that has been expressed, but I am obviously terrible at expressing myself.  I know that I got myself into a bad situation before. Not an hour goes by that I'm not reminded of that.  It hurts a little though to think that I present myself as so incompetent that I would lead myself into a situation that would expose my daughter to abuse. I do everything I can to protect her.  I would never allow her to live in a harmful situation.  I know what it is like to be a child and witness relationship chaos.  I wouldn't put her through that.

Maybe I am a little overzealous about some things, but the reason I gravitate towards marriage topics, and find them particularly edifying is because I've lived through what happens when people do not adhere to their roles. When you constantly deviate from God's design, it doesn't work.  Everyone suffers. This is why we have a family structure to abide by.  I might romanticize the concept, but I certainly don't want to be slave or a doormat. If that is was what is being discerned from my posts then I have a serious problem transmitting my thoughts.  

I feel like when you have experienced an unhealthy relationship, you are suddenly expected to turn into a man hating ultra feminist who isn't going to be told what to do.  I have said repeatedly (both in posts and private conversations) that I am aware of the difference between an authoritative man who is disordered or motivated by selfishness, and an authoritative man who cares about his wife's soul.  I am not the smartest person in the world, but I am not an idiot either.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about these things.  It is very important for me to get married, yes, but it would be disastrous for me to marry someone who is passive.  I'm a lost lamb...a damaged soul.  I recognize that.

The last thing I need is to be married to a man who wants to be my best friend and support everything I have to say no matter how irrational or overly emotional it is.  That kind of person would unintentionally allow me to drown in my problems. I know myself well enough to understand how this works.

 I suppose someone will twist that into me wanting to marry a bully,which is quite unfair. I just think I would be better off with someone who would be more interested in guiding me than catering to my obvious oversensitiveness, flightiness etc. Of course I want someone who loves me and loves my daughter, but I'm not going to commit to marriage and family with someone who is not willing to be a leader of the family.  

If a man is apathetic towards departure from marriage roles, what other church teachings might he go soft on? Family size? Divorce?  I'm not looking at this as just what I need to bring the table (though there is no getting around the fact that I will likely have a lot more to prove) but I am looking to make sure that a potential spouse views marriage as permanent.  I am terrified of being left alone with children.  It is a terrible feeling to be abandoned.  I want someone who isn't going leave me.

Wanting a true leader for a husband doesn't make me a doormat. It makes me realistic about what I need to get to heaven. I would never marry a man that I didn't trust to love me and protect my soul. That is a far cry from what I had with my daughter's father.