I'm not sure what is meant by the term "plain community" but I live an area with a notable Amish population, and while you do see the fathers holding the babies, I can almost guarantee you that those men are not changing diapers, mashing potatoes, or sweeping the kitchen floor. I make this point only because the original comment about women not feeling appreciated referred to domestic tasks such as dishes and diapers. I think it is really a bit unfair to the farm wives of 100 years ago to insinuate they had more help around the house/more time to get things done. Where is the evidence of this?
There are many reasons why I feel very strongly that men should not be expected to participate in the domestic or motherly functions of a household. One of those reasons is that it simply renders the title of "head of the household" meaningless. Women get offended by this and find it demeaning even though it was given to us by God. This isn't the first board where I've nauseated women by stating things like this. On the non-traditional Catholic boards, women would use all sorts of fancy wording and creative interpretation to get around the true meaning of headship. They would say it is solely spiritual headship...or maybe one of the more conservative ones would concede that the man gets to be the tie breaker when it comes to certain issues. They pretty much all dissolved the title in some way.
I think that asking a man to wash dishes also dissolves the title. Why? Because a household is, in many ways, an operation like any other. Before anyone accuses me of watering down Catholic marriage to an employee/employer relationship, please know that I understand there are differences, however, what is the same is that in order for any operation to work, defined roles have to exist. At my former job if I had found myself unable to get my filing done, would I walk up to my boss (the "head" of the business operation) and ask him if he would do the files for me because I couldn't keep up? Of course not. I might ask for a break or an extension or something, but I would never think to actually put my duties on his shoulders. In the same sense, my boss isn't going to ask me to do things that fall under his job description. In the home life, if my husband is feeling particularly worn or stressed, is he going to turn to me and ask me to go to his employer and do his work for him? No. Isn't it a double standard to ask that of him?
Now, this is where I'm told that I can't make up my mind about a man's role in his home, but the truth is there is a world of difference between "diapers and dishes" and participating in family life. It was mentioned that a man cannot be spiritually present if he goes and lounges...well how exactly does handing him a crying toddler and list of honey-do's help him to be spiritually present? Even the secular Dr. Phil makes the point that when a man leaves his job for the day, he needs transition time before he can re-enter his home life. That's just normal. I don't think men are designed to shift emotional gears as quickly and easily as women. Shouldn't a man have some time to diffuse for a bit so that any stress lingering over from the workday isn't taken out on the family? Who wants a wound up grumpy husband? I remember how "pleasant" that was from my own childhood.
Every man should be greeted at the door with warmth. A woman as keeper as the home has the duty to try and make the house a comfortable and welcoming place. I can very easily imagine that some days this is easier than others, but really, how hard is it to run to the bathroom and check the mirror so you at least appear to be a joyful homemaker and not like you've been on the internet all day? (lol--that isn't a dig, I check online way too much and if I had a husband to be accountable to, I would need to restrain myself or I won't have a leg to stand on when it comes to complaining about not being able to do all my jobs) Anyway...how long does it take to grab a basket and gather up all the stray toys that are in the living area? Is it really that far fetched to say that a half hour before Daddy comes home the children should be taught to help tidy up the house and get ready for dinner? Am I that crazy to imagine that could actually work at least most of the time? And if it doesn't, can't you just play it off with a little extra affection? Is this really only a thing that strict protestant and mormon mothers do? Because they sure blog about it and write about it a lot. "Fascinating Womanhood" has been mentioned and recommended on this board. I haven't read more than the summary, but what would the author say about men coming home to work around the house? Catholic mothers should care about Titus 2 training as well.
So examples were asked for. I'm sure some will laugh at my ideas and think they are unrealistic. I guess time will tell, but I like to plan, and I've read so much about this, so here are some ways I can think of where a husband can support his wife, as a homemaker, without giving a way his sense of authority and honor in his home:
-Mom isn't feeling well and cooking dinner increases her nausea. If the budget allows, it would be very kind of her husband to bring home pizza one night, or be accepting of lighter, simpler meals for awhile if it is an ongoing thing such as sickness due to pregnancy. A loving husband who comes home to a nice dinner 99% of the time and can trust his wife isn't just being lazy, will probably not have an issue with this. There is no need for him to put on an apron and take over. He can trust it is a temporary change and temporarily adjust his expectations accordingly--all without stepping foot into the kitchen.
-Mom is struggling to keep up with a new baby at home. Does Dad take off from work and risk his job? Or does he have to spend his evenings trying to "mother" and be domestic and probably not be able to accomplish much anyway (because it isn't his nature) and then everyone is tired the next day? That doesn't sound like a good way to handle it. It would however, ideally, be very thoughtful of a husband to try and enlist some temporary help for her. He could call up a relative or a friend, or even a young girl from Church to come help out with the children for a day or two. --If a foreman can't meet the demands of his work site, does he call in his wife and hand her tool belt? No, he reevaluates and decides what can be done to make it work. ...And yes, not everyone can get extra help, but even one day where Grandma comes over to mind the little ones...how much could get done? That's a lot of time to catch up on laundry and cleaning. If no help is available at all, then a loving father might bite his tongue about dusting or some other chore that has fallen behind, because he can trust his wife will get to it when she is better. Those kinds of chores aren't so life or death that they require Dad to start playing substitute housekeeper. Just by being soft about it, he is "helping" her.
-It's too cold to bring the baby and a gaggle of children to the store. Dad could stop and get some groceries. I don't think this is domestic. In fact, errand running by mothers is a relatively new thing that started when families were more likely to own two vehicles. If historically Dad had to hunt to bring home his family's dinner, then grabbing a few groceries is just the modern version of that. If he really doesn't like to shop but Mom still has a reason to keep the children home for this trip, then maybe she could run after they are tucked in bed.
There are other really simple things that a loving man could do for his wife to keep her motivated. Just sweet little things like reminding her she is beautiful. I don't believe in the whole "chore play" mindset of modern mothers. I don't find it attractive to watch men be domestic. I don't consider doing chores or baby care to be time spent with the family anyway. Yes, he should play with this children, teach them, lead them in prayer and just generally enjoy them. He shouldn't mother them.
I also think that there is a lot to be said for being organized. I've learned my lesson about posting links to prot blogs, but there is a blogger who gave me the idea of having a home binder. I don't really need a full one (I use mine for just recipes) but I am starting one for my job now. It will essentially be an operations manual and contain schedules for chores, meal plans etc. The idea is to keep a lot of notes and then look it over and think about what could be done differently to make things work better.
I can remember on expecting club board how some of the women were spending the final weeks of their pregnancies preparing meals to freeze and have available for the first weeks home with baby. You can buy aluminum pans for a buck at the dollar store, and then it takes, what? 30 minutes to put together a lasagna or casserole and freeze it? It takes planning, but so do many vocations. When we can't do our job, we are supposed to make adjustments. I don't understand why the automatic reaction would be to put more of a burden on your spouse. I'm sorry, but to me, that cannot logically be squared up with the concept of being a helpmate.
It is a bit disheartening to constantly be told the role of homemaker is so burdensome and absent of fulfillment. Maybe I'll eat my words some day, but I'd like to believe that will a joyful heart I will find it rewarding and not miserable. I've have always liked domestic things, and I have always love to take care of people. It doesn't bother me to serve others, and it especially wouldn't bother me to serve those who love me. Yet talking about it is considered wrong. Obedience is viewed as a bad word. Desire to submit should not be talked about--it's either a necessary evil that is tolerated only because we can't erase scripture, or, (if it isn't manipulated into a different meaning entirely) it is something be ashamed of. It is sad that would should be normal and natural has had to play tug of war with modern ideas that tell a woman she shouldn't be expected to do all that her job entails--that she should be able to pass it off to her husband when she can't. In drastic circuмstances, most men could figure out how to wash a dish or change a diaper, but to make a man more domestic is not something that should be required of him, IMO. Just like women shouldn't have to work outside the home in all but the most desperate circuмstances.
Is it possible to marry a jerk who is never satisfied and is constantly harsh and cruel with his wife? Sure...and would it be hard to serve a man who is like this? I'm sure it would be. I guess if you marry someone like that, then you just have to think of it as serving the Lord by taking on your role despite your circuмstances. The better idea would be to only marry someone who loves you and regards you like the Proverbs woman...above rubies or pearls.
Topic: Modesty around the home (Read 94512 times)