Author Topic: Marriage help (Read 3821 times)

newbie5 · « **on:** March 19, 2013, 09:52:56 AM »

Hi! I'm looking for someone to PM me about some private issues I'm struggling with. I really need a friend who I hope and pray can relate to this.

I'm married and in my 20's. I'm about to have my 3rd baby in 3 years. I do love my husband. Here is my struggle. I was raised like most any other traditional Catholic girl. I was home schooled, have a very strong religious foundation, was taught to value modesty and purity. I didn't date prior to marriage. I knew my hubby 2 years before we go engaged. We had a 6 month engagement and were married by the FSSP. I certainly had some big anxieties about intimacy in marriage. I believed these feelings go away once you get married and it wouldn't seem so scary anymore. I asked our priest about it and he assured me it was a normal way to feel in the beginning. I certainly knew intimacy was a part of marriage and where babies comes from, but I never realized it was actually a huge part of a marriage. I figured it would be for procreation, a couple times a year sort of thing. Even if I had realized it's a couple times a week rather than a year I'm not sure I would have changed my mind about marriage because I really thought the anxiety and fear went away once you got married. I have read dozens of pages over at fisheaters about the marriage debt. I had no understanding I was giving my body away to be used in such a way. I never would have imagined such a thing. I love love love everything else about marriage. I adore my children, I like keeping a house and taking care of my husband.

I wonder if I am the only one who feels this way. I see the other wives at Mass and can't help but wonder how they handle it. I don't think I will ever stop longing to have my purity back. I don't think I will ever not be reduced to tears every time my husband approaches me. I've never even recovered from the last time by the time he wants it again. I don't ever refuse him because I know that is wrong, but this is so devastating emotionally. It's terrible not being allowed to ask him to stop. This is the biggest trial of my life. I've never had to endure something like this. I do offer it up, but it still hurts. I know God wants us to pick up our cross and carry it, but this one is just so heavy and frightening. I want our dating relationship back where we were just in love and I never felt afraid of him.

I know to get to heaven we must stay in the state of grace and fulfill the duties in our state in life. I am so afraid on Judgement Day I will be told I can't get in because I didn't carry my cross cheerfully. I wasn't supposed to cry. If anyone can help me, I just need someone to talk to. I feel so alone.

s2srea · « **Reply #1 on:** March 19, 2013, 09:58:56 AM »

Newbie5- I will offer my prayers for you and your situation today. I would like to say, however, that you receive counseling from your Father confessor, first and foremost, and also your family- to include your husband, sister, mother, cousin, etc. Perhaps discussing in detail with your husband your feelings would be good, instead of keeping quiet. It seems you two were in love, so he must love you- explain what you are feeling, and I'm sure he would change.

sedetrad · « **Reply #2 on:** March 19, 2013, 10:35:47 AM »

Srea is correct. The best thing to do is discuss this sensitive issue with your traditional priest and ask him for a referral to a respected parish marriage therapist.

sedetrad · « **Reply #3 on:** March 19, 2013, 10:37:12 AM »

Quote

I do offer it up, but it still hurts.

You should also talk to your physician.

Telesphorus · « **Reply #4 on:** March 19, 2013, 10:49:43 AM »

Who would come to this forum to mention this?

This is very suspicious.

MrsZ · « **Reply #5 on:** March 19, 2013, 12:13:59 PM »

I really think you should take this to a trusted priest and ask for a referral to a Catholic therapist.

I really don't think this is something that you should talk to strangers about in a private email relationship. You could end up inviting some very inappropriate conversation from someone who did not have your best interests at heart. Possibly someone who just lurks on these forums. You never know.

I'm taking your post at it's face value and assuming you are not making this up ... but you should not fear your husband. If he is a good, kind man you should be able to discuss with him what your concerns are and ask him to reconsider how he is behaving with you.

God Bless.

newbie5 · « **Reply #6 on:** March 19, 2013, 12:31:24 PM »

Thank you for your replies. And I do apologize for any doubts I've created. I have explored the suggestions that have already been made in terms of priests and counselors. I never spoke to a doctor, but I have with my midwife. I do appreciate the thoughts, but what I was really hoping for was someone would read this and think "I went through the same thing!" I just feel awfully alone. I can't imagine I am the only wife who has ever felt this way.

Thank you to whomever sent me a message. However it says I can't read it because I am not an established member.

ServusSpiritusSancti · « **Reply #7 on:** March 19, 2013, 12:51:31 PM »

Newbie,

I will pray for you. Others are correct, however, that you should ask a Traditional priest about this. I don't think this is something you should be talking about for the world to see.

newbie5 · « **Reply #8 on:** March 19, 2013, 01:09:21 PM »

Thank you Severus, I do agree, which is why I requested private messages. I did not realize I would be unable to receive them. I have spoken with a traditional Catholic priest. I will end this hère as I don't think I will find what I was looking for and I'm not looking to cause any harm or scandal.

MrsZ · « **Reply #9 on:** March 19, 2013, 01:44:58 PM »

I'm sorry you haven't found the help you are seeking. My warning to you about the private messages stands .. although I understand now that you cannot receive them at the moment. Maybe you can stay around and post more and talk to people and get to know them here .. and then in that way you can learn more about all kinds of things that people go through and how faith fits into different circuмstances.

I'm not of the opinion that you shouldn't post this on this forum ... you are anonymous and sometimes you can't talk to a friend or a parent and if you've tried to talk to a priest .... you feel you have nowhere to turn. I don't think this is a scandalous post because you have refrained from posting inappropriate details.

Having said that, I'm not sure I understand what the situation really is. Is this a physical / pain issue ... or is this a problem of the fact of intimacy itself that has somehow repelled you or caused you to fear your husband? Have you tried to talk to him about what you are going through?

Also, is there another priest that you might be able to talk to? What about your own mother? Surely she must have had conversations with you about some of the more intimate aspects of marriage prior to you getting married?

God Bless.

Matthew · « **Reply #10 on:** March 19, 2013, 03:24:22 PM »

I enabled your account so you can receive Private Messages.

Matthew · « **Reply #11 on:** March 19, 2013, 03:57:09 PM »

I distinctly remember posting on CI a few years ago something to the effect:

"Newsflash, ladies: it IS a big part of marriage. Wake up if you haven't already."

So we must have come across something like this before. I can't remember the context. Maybe someone good with the search feature can find it?

Sigismund · « **Reply #12 on:** March 19, 2013, 09:05:37 PM »

Quote from: Telesphorus

Who would come to this forum to mention this?

This is very suspicious.

Why?

Telesphorus · « **Reply #13 on:** March 19, 2013, 09:42:06 PM »

Quote from: Sigismund

Quote from: Telesphorus
Who would come to this forum to mention this?

This is very suspicious.

Why?

It's very likely trolling.

had no understanding I was giving my body away to be used in such a way.

Three babies but can't bear her husband's advances, and she wants to ask here of all places to see if other women feel the same way?

Mithrandylan · « **Reply #14 on:** March 19, 2013, 09:45:28 PM »

Quote from: Telesphorus

Quote from: Sigismund
Quote from: Telesphorus
Who would come to this forum to mention this?

This is very suspicious.

Why?

It's very likely trolling.

had no understanding I was giving my body away to be used in such a way.

Three babies but can't bear her husband's advances, and she wants to ask here of all places to see if other women feel the same way?

While odd, I think if it was trolling she would be inviting an open discussion. Instead, she specifically requested PM's. Which, I suppose, would be mega trolling but she'd have to be really messed up to do that. Benefit of the doubt: given.