Author Topic: Is Not Sending a "Wedding" Gift, Okay? (Read 1264 times)

MrsZ · « **on:** August 03, 2011, 03:52:55 PM »

My H's former work colleague (and someone my H describes as a "friend" although they hardly ever see or talk to each other .. and live hundreds of miles apart) ... was raised Catholic (Novus Ordo). He got married in the Church .. and a few years later (I don't know the details) he got divorced. Last year, he got engaged to another woman. She is also "Catholic" (i.e. Novus Ordo, too) and I don't believe she's been married before. At first, the friend was beginning the process of annulment .. then he found out it could take up to 18 months to be concluded .. and he decided to forget about it and get "married" again, anyway.

Apparently, he has made friends with her family and even goes to N.O. Mass with them. (Can you see all the happy, grinning faces here? :smile: :smile: :smile:) ? My H said he talked with him a couple of years ago, before he got engaged, about being Catholic and marriage and all that. Although, my H being a hardcore "sanguine" likely made it very vague and overly gentle...enough so that he was likely misunderstood by said friend.... :thinking: but that is another story and a long one at that!

Now they're getting "married" at a country club (big wedding, 26 attendants, etc) and we were sent an invitation. I returned the invitation sending our "regrets" at not being able to attend. Which is perfectly truthful. I'm very sorry we cannot attend. I'd love to go to a wedding!

Anyway, my question now is: Do I have to send a wedding gift? I think in a normal situation would require that we send a gift even if we don't attend. But I was thinking we shouldn't because just like attending wedding or reception that signifies not only acceptance but celebration of what is an invalid marriage. Is this correct? I'm a little worried that the friend and his "new wife" might be offended that we didn't send a gift...completely missing the point that they're doing something wrong.

parentsfortruth · « **Reply #1 on:** August 03, 2011, 04:19:17 PM »

I have the perfect wedding gift to send him: Have a Mass said for them. Hopefully it'll break it up and this man will get his head on the right way, and leave the harlot he's "marrying."

MaterDominici · « **Reply #2 on:** August 03, 2011, 05:43:52 PM »

I wouldn't send a gift (unless you go with PFT's idea). Yes, it's customary, but the presumption there is that the reason you're not attending has to do with scheduling, distance, etc, not the fact that you don't approve of the marriage to begin with.

I've always thought it would be fun to send some sort of reminder of what you gave them at the first wedding.

Sigismund · « **Reply #3 on:** August 03, 2011, 06:43:44 PM »

I don't think you are even socially obligated to send a gift if you don't go to the wedding. However, I think the Mass is a great idea.

Darcy · « **Reply #4 on:** August 03, 2011, 06:45:39 PM »

It's customary but not an obligation. And many people do not send a gift if they cannot attend.
If they aren't going to be in your circle of friends, I would not.
The groom, who is the one your husband knows, is likely to not even know of the custom. If the wedding is large, they may not be keeping track. (iow, I do not think they will hold it against you in the future.)

I surely would not loose one ounce of sleep over it.

If you are still so inclined, send them a copy of the Douay-Rheims Bible.

Gifts are customarily mailed to the home of the bride-to-be and are not supposed to be brought to the wedding or reception.

TKGS · « **Reply #5 on:** August 04, 2011, 07:05:57 AM »

I don't think the marriage should, in any way, be acknowledged. To do so would be to cause scandal. In similar situations, when I have sent Christmas cards I have addressed them to only one party. I ignore the fact that there is even a woman in the house.

Exilenomore · « **Reply #6 on:** August 04, 2011, 07:21:16 AM »

An adulterous union should indeed not be acknowledged by sending a gift to the parties involved.

gladius_veritatis · « **Reply #7 on:** August 04, 2011, 08:30:00 AM »

Quote from: TKGS

To do so would be to cause scandal.

To whom? Although I know what you mean, I am not sure such people are capable of being scandalized, in the proper sense of the word, within such situations. For example, habitual fornicators and those who accept such behavior are not scandalized to learn that a couple is habitually fornicating. It affects them as much as learning that the high temperature is going to be 72 degrees -- no impact whatsoever.

FWIW, it seems more like confirming them in their errors.

I may be incorrect, but I see scandal as similar to tripping someone, whereas when I confirm someone in his error/s, it is like sitting down upon a man who is already fallen (or preventing him, in some manner, from getting up).

gladius_veritatis · « **Reply #8 on:** August 04, 2011, 08:35:51 AM »

As for hints that pass for gifts, you could always send him a rosary or ten, a book or two by St. Louis de Montfort, and a thick pad for kneeling!

[For good measure, you could send him a book or two about hell, salvation, what have you.]

BTW, why not use your own position/influence to persuade your husband that real friendship requires us to do GOOD to our friends, not be overly diplomatic when they are about to make enormous mistakes that have everlasting ramifications...

TKGS · « **Reply #9 on:** August 04, 2011, 10:49:49 AM »

Quote from: gladius_veritatis

Quote from: TKGS
To do so would be to cause scandal.

To whom?

The scandal is in giving the impression to others that a Catholic may approve of the situation.

Approving another's sin is one form of giving scandal.

The secular/popular definition of the word should not be confused with the term as used by the Church. A priest caught with child pornography is a scandal (in the popular understanding) and few people will be fooled into thinking that the Church approves of this; but Benedict 16 holding an interfaith congress in Assisi gives scandal and fools many to their own perdition.

MrsZ · « **Reply #10 on:** August 05, 2011, 11:01:50 AM »

Thank you all for your helpful thoughts and replies.

It's true, these folks are clueless. Not only in spiritual matters, but in this case, it appears it's going to be a very big wedding and our lack of presence and lack of a gift is not likely to be noticed .. particularly because we are not friend's of the bride.

As far as my "influence" with my H ... we've already been over this on another occasion. The last "wedding" was a high school buddy of my H's back in 2002 who was getting married the second time. We hassled about it over and over again because the friend was asking my H to be a groomsman for the second time! My H went to the local church and talked to a visiting priest who apparently told him that as long as his friend wasn't Catholic, it was okay to stand up for him again at his second wedding. It caused a lot of contention between us. But ultimately we went ... only at the wedding did my H find out that the bride was a MORMON and that an LDS Bishop was conducting the ceremony!! Argh. It was too late to back out .. but it was just ridiculous.

But my H has come along way since then, and helped in no small part due to that circuмstance itself.

As I said previously, we'd love to know actual practicing Catholics who were getting married with no previous marriages or divorces or whatever! But we know no one who matches that description.