Author Topic: I new here...need family help (Read 2143 times)

Julie10 · « **on:** May 24, 2013, 09:20:38 PM »

Hi I joined this forum after finding it a few weeks ago. I have so many questions but I will start with this one. This will be a long post....sorry.

I am married and we have our first baby. I am a stay at home mom and before quitting my job to raise our son I taught college. So for any women who says they can't sacrifice a career to raise a child, I can understand. I went to college for 7 years and earned 3 degrees and I got my DREAM job teaching for 2 colleges at the age of 26 and I could retire at 50 if I stayed on. All that means nothing to God though as my child is the primary job God wants me to have.

So to summarize I was raised traditional catholic. No Latin masses because we don't have any here but I was the only kid in my school who wore a scapular and took communion in a dress on the tongue, kneeled during holy holy while everyone else stood, had to go to confession on Saturdays, etc.....

My husband was raised catholic but very post Vatican II. His mom was the lead cantor who stood in front in pants and sang dumb songs, his mom did all sort of things in mass that I am horrified about. She came to my wedding with her boobs all hanging out and I THE BRIDE was in a long sleeve collared dress... In my opinion they are catholic only in name. They go to church on Sunday but everything else is bad. My husband had never been to confession, never prayed the rosary, never said grace, didn't know what a sacrilege was ,etc. It was bad. Well we dated for 10 years and it is amazing how he has grown. He now goes to confession (his parents make fun of him) and wears a scapular (he asked a priest for that on his own). He has a long way to go (we both do) but here is where my question comes in and I am so glad you are still reading this rant.

1) His parents are the people who are holding him back. They are the ones who make fun of him for going to confession or want to know why he doesn't take communion if he missed mass one week.

2) His mother especially has been a source of evil information as when we were first dating she would leave her birth control pills out and then want to know what I was doing.....wt? You are catholic?

So now he is a grown man and I will never advise him on what to do but I have a responsibility to my child and future children and my gut tells me to limit time with his folks even though they are grandparents. I think they will confuse my child on what catholic is.

What do I do? Aside from pray for them? Am I not suppose to protect my child from people who can harm his soul? If she is faulting her birth control pills do I really want my child to form a bond to her because that will really be confusing later when we teach that stuff?

How do I share my child with someone I know is so different from me morally? I need help.

Zeitun · « **Reply #1 on:** May 24, 2013, 09:27:56 PM »

Two SSPX priests gave me the same advice on modernist "Catholic" in-laws:

NO CONTACT!!!!

Yes that's right. No contact at all. Now it may be impossible for you to force your husband but you can creatively find ways to limit contact with them. NEVER compromise on your traditional values. Your child did not inherit their worldly views.

Pray a Novena to the Holy Ghost for your husband's conversion to the true Faith (tradition) and place a Green Scapular under the side of the bed he sleeps. Pray every day for his conversion. God will remove the influences of your in-laws THROUGH YOUR HUSBAND'S CONVERSION.

Never confront your husband on this. You will appear to be his enemy and he will defend their behavior. Trust me. This happened to me. And God has answered my prayers. He will answer yours too. Remain confident in Our Lady to protect you and your baby from dangers to your faith.

Telesphorus · « **Reply #2 on:** May 24, 2013, 09:30:05 PM »

You dated a lukewarm novus ordo man for ten years while obtaining three degrees and then quit the job you spent all that time preparing for?

I find that perplexing.

Anyway, you have to protect your children from bad influences. And that includes corrupting grandparents.

You must make it clear that if they seek to undermine what you teach to your children that they will be cut off to a large extent.

How old are you now?

Charlemagne · « **Reply #3 on:** May 24, 2013, 09:43:53 PM »

Take some advice from a father of four: PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS! Not to be too simplistic, but has there ever been a better teacher than Our Lord?

"For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they two shall be in one flesh."
--Saint Matthew 19:5

"If any man come to Me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple."
--Saint Luke 14:26

"But he that shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in Me, it were better for him that a millstone should be hanged about his neck, and that he should be drowned in the depth of the sea."
Saint Matthew 18:6

Julie10 · « **Reply #4 on:** May 24, 2013, 09:46:26 PM »

Quote from: Telesphorus

You dated a lukewarm novus ordo man for ten years while obtaining three degrees and then quit the job you spent all that time preparing for?

I find that perplexing.

Anyway, you have to protect your children from bad influences. And that includes corrupting grandparents.

You must make it clear that if they seek to undermine what you teach to your children that they will be cut off to a large extent.

How old are you now?

I find it perplexing too! We actually broke up after 5 years because of issues of the faith and we spent a year and a half separated before getting back together after he had started to slowly grow and see things differently. We both grew I should say. I think I was ok dating him because I never wanted to get married. I never felt called to it. I thought I would just work. It wasn't until I started making regular holy hours that I felt my vocation. Once I knew I was being called to marriage I knew it would be him. I laughed out loud in church when I heard that. I laughed and told God if I am suppose to marry a man I have not spoken too in 1 year show me how that would happen? I kid you not, a couple hours later that night he called me. I had to trust God that this is what he wanted for me. I also take my vow seriously and I know I am suppose to help get my husband to heaven and so I am not impressed when inlaws make fun of him for praying. The rest is history. I am 31 now.

I do have a green scapular and that is perfect! I never even thought of that. Thank you!

I have tried limited contact and then my husband gets mad at me for being unsocial. When they come visit for the weekend or whatever I will prepare meals and visit a little to be nice but then I find something else to do (nurse, laundry. etc). My husband can sense I am avoiding them. I also refuse to attend all the weddings they invite us too because they are never catholic ones and that upsets him.

I was afraid I would hear to avoid them even though that is what my gut tell me. It is good to know that it is not just me having MIL issues. My own mother said that I have to help my child have a relationship with them because he has to have grandparents. I think her judgment is a little emotional there thought since she is a grandparent too.

Telesphorus · « **Reply #5 on:** May 24, 2013, 10:03:43 PM »

You said you were a traditional Catholic?

Did you know at that time that one is not supposed to date without the goal of marriage?

Napoli · « **Reply #6 on:** May 24, 2013, 10:24:12 PM »

We reap what we sow.

I will pray for you and your marriage.

shin · « **Reply #7 on:** May 24, 2013, 10:33:33 PM »

Quote

I do have a green scapular and that is perfect! I never even thought of that. Thank you!

Yes this is very helpful. :) So too, an honored image of Our Lord's Sacred Heart, with daily prayers in honor of His Heart, (see the promises to St. Margaret Mary). One of the promises is: "I will establish peace in their families."

You have to protect the children but you can't spoil unity with your husband -- the devil always tries to break that, because once that is broken, everything else falls apart too.

Pray for his parents.

Julie10 · « **Reply #8 on:** May 24, 2013, 10:41:59 PM »

Quote from: Telesphorus

You said you were a traditional Catholic?

Did you know at that time that one is not supposed to date without the goal of marriage?

Good question. I do like being called out as it keeps me examining my actions.

I am not sure if I can honestly answer that. I think I knew as I probably heard it said but I probably didn't fully believe it at the time. I know that is hard to understand.

I said I was raised traditional catholic and I am definitely that now but I would say there were a few years during my late teens and early 20's when I "just wanted to fit in with the other Catholics". I was tired of being made fun of and I had no support. We have no Latin masses here and internet was not really up and going for places like this. Thank God for my mother's prayers that I never strayed too far and feel like I am back moving in the right path (with lots of help) and have been for several years now.

Once we got back together we knew we were getting married so I had pure intentions from them.

MaterDominici · « **Reply #9 on:** May 24, 2013, 10:51:58 PM »

Quote from: Julie10

1) His parents are the people who are holding him back. They are the ones who make fun of him for going to confession or want to know why he doesn't take communion if he missed mass one week.

Do you and your husband a favor and stop going to the NO Mass. Find the nearest TLM and go as often as you can. His conversion will be all the more difficult if everything he does right makes him stand out among the other parishioners. At a TLM he can receive or not recieve sacraments in a proper manner without anyone breathing down his neck.

PS. If you haven't settled down in a house yet, consider one further away from his family. : )

Christopher67 · « **Reply #10 on:** May 24, 2013, 11:02:22 PM »

Start a novena to St Jude. Where I am near, there are 3 weekly Latin Masses. A lot of people prayed for ONE, when there was nothing here. Three different churches too.

Christopher67 · « **Reply #11 on:** May 24, 2013, 11:04:41 PM »

Quote from: MaterDominici

Quote from: Julie10
1) His parents are the people who are holding him back. They are the ones who make fun of him for going to confession or want to know why he doesn't take communion if he missed mass one week.

Do you and your husband a favor and stop going to the NO Mass. Find the nearest TLM and go as often as you can. His conversion will be all the more difficult if everything he does right makes him stand out among the other parishioners. At a TLM he can receive or not recieve sacraments in a proper manner without anyone breathing down his neck.

PS. If you haven't settled down in a house yet, consider one further away from his family. : )

She might make a good example to the family tho.

Julie10 · « **Reply #12 on:** May 24, 2013, 11:06:57 PM »

Quote from: MaterDominici

Quote from: Julie10
1) His parents are the people who are holding him back. They are the ones who make fun of him for going to confession or want to know why he doesn't take communion if he missed mass one week.

Do you and your husband a favor and stop going to the NO Mass. Find the nearest TLM and go as often as you can. His conversion will be all the more difficult if everything he does right makes him stand out among the other parishioners. At a TLM he can receive or not recieve sacraments in a proper manner without anyone breathing down his neck.

PS. If you haven't settled down in a house yet, consider one further away from his family. : )

We have no masses that are not NO here. Well that is not totally true. I did find one listed on the internet that is bimonthly by a sspx priest but it is not even in a church and it is about 30 minutes away. I guess that is what started my examination of conscience. I was looking for a Latin mass and found that one and I didn't really even know what the SSPX was and so I did research and found this site. The whole thing is confusing. I just want to attend a true worship service. I know why there are all the labels but I wish we didn't need them because I don't know what to do.

We do have a house and it is about 2.5 hours away but since baby is here, grandma wants to come stay a WEEK at a time.

songbird · « **Reply #13 on:** May 24, 2013, 11:07:33 PM »

This might be a little off the subject. My grandmother was unhappy with my parents having child after child. When number 6 was on the way, grandmother made a comment of when "she" was going to stop doing this to her son. My mom told grandmother, "You are hurting your son and me deeply when you think and say these things." Grandmother never said anything again.

I believe and have experienced that you must talk things out in the open, just get it out. There is a way to do it. If you don't it just keeps festering. When time comes be ready. Tell your husband if something needs to be said, say it. And encourage him to say it first, by saying, I give you the honor as head of the home to say it. If not, I will. Don't keep a false peace. I see so many families doing this. False peace is tolerating each other either by keeping quiet or a fake smile. No, don't do that, there is a honorable way to say what needs to be said. Once it is said, that is it. If the family members continue to outwardly continue to hurt the family, then say you must leave. And go. It is a sign that you really mean it. Sometimes one of the spouses end up being the one who speaks up. And the one who speaks up knows that they will be looked upon as the "guru or bad guy". Even the kids catch on real quick. If they don't get their way with mom, they go to dad or vesus versus.

My mother gave me good advice when I was married. She said the hardest thing to do is make decisions. I found that out when a mother and young toddler son came to our home. The child was throwing a ball in my home against furniture and stereo. She just laughed so I said to myself, this is my home, if I don't stop this I will regret not doing just that. So, I caught the ball while in flight and I said, it's time for you to go home." And they left and never came back. I felt good, because I know I did what was best to do. I knew that I had control of what comes in or goes out the door. I knew what my mom met.

So speak up and discuss your thoughts with your husband and help him to make decisions too. It is the hardest thing to do, but speak up.

Julie10 · « **Reply #14 on:** May 24, 2013, 11:08:38 PM »

Quote from: Christopher67

Start a novena to St Jude. Where I am near, there are 3 weekly Latin Masses. A lot of people prayed for ONE, when there was nothing here. Three different churches too.

I can do that. Thank you!