Catholic Info
Traditional Catholic Faith => Catholic Living in the Modern World => Topic started by: Matthew on May 12, 2012, 09:14:17 PM
-
I am nobody's mother and never will be
By Kat Kinsman, CNN
(CNN) -- On Mother's Day, no one is going to send me flowers or a card. I will not be awakened by sweet, giggling toddlers bearing a tray of breakfast in their chubby hands or receive an awkward but heartfelt hug from a gangly teenage son or end a phone call with a teary, dorm-bound daughter saying, "I love you, Mom." I am no one's mother, and I never will be.
This is not by accident, a case of insurmountable physical challenges, an unwilling partner or prioritizing career over children. At age 39, the window of my fertility is sliding shut, but I feel no sense of dread, panic or regret. I have known since I was a child myself that I didn't want to have any of my own. It's simply astonishing to me how frequently people -- strangers, especially -- have felt that I should answer to them for that.
A married woman who chooses not to have children is highly suspect to some, broken in some fundamental way. My friends know that I am not and that I support their parenthood in any way I can. I have offered solace while they grieved over infertility and miscarriage. I have wept with joy, staring into the faces of their children for the first time -- seeing in them the undeniable imprint of their parents and loving them already and always, just for that. I have taken my friends' sad and stumbling teens on long walks, under the auspices of their parents to whom they'd simply stopped talking.
"I have known since I was a child myself that I didn't want to have any of my own," Kat Kinsman writes.When my best friend of nearly two decades asked me to be present at the birth of her child, I simply said yes. I did not know that it would entail kneeling aside a tub for hours, her head in one of my hands, and her knees locked into her husband's and my elbows as she heaved and strained their son out into the world in a bloody, howling, miraculous mess. I watched her face as she held him to her chest and fell in lifelong love with him -- as her heart grew extra chambers, as she metamorphosed into a mother.
I felt nothing but pure bliss for her budding family -- and nothing but contentment for myself having been lucky enough to witness this momentous thing. Not a pang, not an emptiness, not a tick or a twinge. One of the concerns often levied at intentionally childless people is that we'll never truly know love until it is reflected back to us by our own flesh and blood. I suppose I should be grateful for that level of solicitousness, but it tends to smack of pity and disdain. So do the allegations of selfishness.
I remember this as clear as day, being 10 years old and a friend telling me I'd be a bad mother. The children from her parents' home day care had crawled up to the tip-top shelf where she'd stashed her social studies project and smashed it all to bits. She'd brought in the tattered remains to our unsympathetic teacher, who gave her a failing grade for the project. I was livid from the injustice of it all -- from the cranky, burned-out educator who no longer had any business molding young minds, to her parents who made her live in a home that stank of diapers and was never silent, to the pint-sized savages who had laid waste to her lovely work.
"How do you stand it?" I asked. "All of it. The noise, the diaper changing, not having anything ever be private?"
She hissed at me, wounded, "You're going to be a horrible mother!"
"No, I'm not," I calmly replied. "I'm not going to be a mother at all."
Somehow I understood it in my bones, as deeply and simply as know I have hazel eyes and cannot sing: I was never going to carry a child inside my body, and I was completely at peace with that. The need, want and drive are simply not there. Nearly three decades later, that hasn't wavered, though it has hardly gone unassailed by others who have felt compelled to critique or to pry.
My family has always understood this about me and was content with my sister and me finding fulfillment in other arenas. On both sides, there were some aunts or uncles who never married or reproduced, and it wasn't seen as a metric for happiness. When my husband and I married, he was 40, it was his second time, and the next generation (and their children) were well under way. I gather that being spared familial pressure is a rare and tremendous thing, and I am grateful for it.
To friends and strangers who ask, I say I just don't want to. If they push further, "You two would make such great parents!" (Take THAT, childhood pal!), I tout the role of the fabulous New York City aunt -- an Auntie Mame (minus the mansion) or Cousin Serena (minus the magical powers). Often, that stops the interrogation, but on occasion (or online), it gets hostile. How dare I? What's wrong with me?
I toss aside the accusations of selfishness: Not having to care for children of our own makes my husband and me nimble with our assistance when it's needed. We're quick with a listening ear and a chilled cocktail for friends in need of company, share cash and volunteer time we might not have otherwise had and are fluent in cranky, misfit teen. As we often tell our friends and family, we may not be especially comfortable cradling babies, but when your kid hits puberty and decides they "hate" you and the rest of humanity, hand 'em over. We'll let them know how lucky they are to have you as parents.
Less easy to shake off is the assertion that a female who does not bear a child is somehow not a real woman. I'm secure in my choice but deeply disappointed that one woman would wield that as a slur against another. I've no right to mandate what a mother should teach her daughter, but I hope, deep down in my nullipara heart, that some of the lessons would be about personal freedom, the beauty of difference and the possibility that a person could be content and complete all on her own.
And I am not alone. In the world I've made for myself, I have a career I adore and friends who fill my head, heart and waking hours. They are in various stages of couple and singlehood, childlessness and large-brooded, and each illuminates my world in a different way. They make my heart larger, stronger and better.
At home, there is my family: the husband who I tell on a daily basis that he is my favorite person on Earth (I made sure on our second date that he didn't want kids either; otherwise, there would not have been a third), a rabbit and our two dogs. They are not our children, as they are for some people, but they are our charges, and we fuss and spoil accordingly.
On Mother's Day, I'll come downstairs, rub the sleep out of my eyes, pour some coffee and cuddle in with my odd little pack on the couch. There might not be a greeting card for that, but I don't need one. Everything I want is right here.
-
Now that is sad and depressing.
I bet she's a lot more depressed and unhappy than she lets on.
She probably wrote this article for the whole world, to somehow convince HERSELF that it was true. It's like telling all your friends you're going on a diet -- it helps keep you honest when you walk by that box of doughnuts.
I'm sorry, but it's not open for debate. There IS something wrong with women like her. Women ARE made for motherhood and children; it's how God made them. Any women who don't like kids, etc. are somehow defective or twisted.
There aren't any women "like her" (or the "her" that really doesn't exist, but is showcased in this article) that I've ever met.
I've met many kinds, too.
-
"My family has always understood this about me and was content with my sister and I finding fulfillment in other arenas."
Yeah...another child who had bad parents.
-
There IS something wrong with women like her. Women ARE made for motherhood and children; it's how God made them. Any women who don't like kids, etc. are somehow defective or twisted.
This is definitely true Matt but ever since feminism has been drilled in a woman's head since after World War I women have assumed "unnatural" roles.
-
Kat belongs to the anti-Christ тαℓмυdic cult. The less people of the αѕнкenαzιm / Khazarian extraction - the better.
-
It sounds like she's trying to say, "she was born that way." Sort of like the argument ɧoɱosɛҳųαƖs try to make. Only, I think her argument is far, far, far more accepted, than the ɧoɱosɛҳųαƖs is. It's amazing how it is almost never challenged.
-
I think this is one area where the media is still very effective, in getting their message accepted.
-
She was a very selfish and self-centered human being.
She talks about how she tosses aside the accusations of selfishness, or whatever she said, but underneath it all she is possibly very unhappy.
Her life is a vacuum devoid of Faith and family.
A vacuum filled only with career and other secondary considerations.
Women are not happy if devoid of Faith and family.
Nor are men.
Possibly the only men or women who are happy without a family, are those who enter the religious life.
-
We are all born like this. Then if we be blessed we have baptism. If we be graced, we are in the True Catholic Church with a valid priest that gives the Precious Blood in all the sacraments. In order to be a mom or even a wife, we can only do it with the powers/graces of the sacraments. How many times do we hear someone say about any difficulty, "How do you do it?" How do you answer. It should be, "by the Grace of God!" My daughter never thought she would even marry Mr. Right and she was surprised that her prayers were answered and she and her husband have a sweet daughter. They are so much fun and they teach us so much in how we can live life and how to see it through their eyes. Christ told the apostles "let the little ones come to me, for it is like them that make it to heaven." We should be as children and have faith in God that he has surprises that will astound you! When we look at a picture of a family, what does your heart tell you that you see? Hard work, joys and sufferings, just like the 15 mysteries of the rosary. But don't bring children into the world for wrong reasons, such as trying to bring relations together like glue. Bring them into the world because God desires that you do and can bring you closer to HIm!
-
Kat belongs to the anti-Christ тαℓмυdic cult. The less people of the αѕнкenαzιm / Khazarian extraction - the better.
Interesting, or are you assuming a bit here, or did you do a bit of research on this woman?
-
If she did have children, I would feel very sorry for the children.
Songbird, how true your words are. I've known men and women over the years who said they didn't want children and then changed their minds after they met Mr. or Mrs. Right or changed their minds after God worked wonders in their souls. I know of one woman who only wanted one child, but after finding a good Catholic man and growing in her Faith herself she ended up being a wonderful mother of about a half dozen or so happy, bright, well-rounded children. Her world is her family and her Catholic Faith and she has been an example of Catholic motherhood to many.
-
I was actually the opposite. I wanted a husband and children all my life and then at 32 I lost that desire. I am happy with that. Anyway, I already suffer enough constantly worrying about the spiritual and bodily welfare of my parents and siblings, so why would I want to bring other people into my life to worry about. I used to be friends with a person who no longer had family in their life. Never knew the father, mother and grandparents died, and no siblings. In a sense I envy them for not having anyone to worry about except themselves. It is especially better to be alone when the major chastisement comes since they don't have to add to their suffering by watching their loved ones suffer or be killed.
-
I do love babies toddlers and young children, I do love the idea of carrying a life inside of you, expecting it's birth and raising it. But I can't tolerate the thought of having rebellious teens at home, helping an 8 year old with his math and being rejected by adult children later in life.
Contrary to what others say, I don't think being woke up by a babies cries in the middle of night is hard. Babies are wonderfully sweet. But 18 years later these sweetness turns bitter: "Mom, how come God is kind, if He doesn't give me an expensive car?"
-
"My family has always understood this about me and was content with my sister and I finding fulfillment in other arenas."
That sentence is not in the article. The writer wrote, quite correctly, "My family has always understood this about me and was content with my sister and me finding fulfillment in other arenas."
So, if you were trying to correct her sentence, there was no need. "...with my sister and me" is correct, whereas "...with my sister and I" is wrong. You don't say "with I", do you?
[/pedantry]
Carry on!
-
I was livid from the injustice of it all -- from the cranky, burned-out educator who no longer had any business molding young minds, to her parents who made her live in a home that stank of diapers and was never silent, to the pint-sized savages who had laid waste to her lovely work.
These words are very, very telling, are they not?
This woman, in every prior epoch, would be a witch---the old woman who only liked children if she could eat them, who lured them with sweetness and kindness, only to throw them in the fire. All of literature is filled with women like this, who have hearts of stone, who can't stand to hear a baby cry.
However, in our modern times, everything is topsy-turvy. These witch-women are considered angelic and saintly for hating children, for intentionally closing their wombs, for happily denying that they were created by God to bring new life into the world and nurture it and grow it into beautiful blossoms.
What a sad state of affairs. May God have mercy on us.
-
What a hideous creature, thank God she doesn't want to procreate.
She looks like a shrieking demoness.
(http://www.tart.org/blog/kat.kinsman.jpg)
-
Kat belongs to the anti-Christ тαℓмυdic cult. The less people of the αѕнкenαzιm / Khazarian extraction - the better.
Interesting, or are you assuming a bit here, or did you do a bit of research on this woman?
Oh I would bet the house on that one, she's a typical, self-aborbed Brooklyn Jewess if I ever seen one.
Check out this little tidbit about her on the net;
I'm Kat Kinsman. I write & edit stuff about food, booze, politics, comedy and dogs. Sometimes I write ads. People even pay me to do these things. You would be welcome to do that as well.
http://www.tart.org/blog/2009/03/about_me_1.html
I'm the Managing Editor of CNN's food blog Eatocracy, former Senior Editor for AOL Food and Slashfood, a KCBS Certified Barbecue Judge and the vice chair of the James Beard Journalism Committee. My husband Douglas and I live in a church. On any given night, I may perhaps be doing a little dance, and/or making a little love and/or getting down.
The anti-Christers just love mocking Jesus by dwelling in former Christian houses of worship. This woman is about as soulless as one gets.
-
Many, many cloistered religious sisters take vows because they don't want to be mothers or wives. They know they are not suited.
Now that is sad and depressing.
I bet she's a lot more depressed and unhappy than she lets on.
She probably wrote this article for the whole world, to somehow convince HERSELF that it was true. It's like telling all your friends you're going on a diet -- it helps keep you honest when you walk by that box of doughnuts.
I'm sorry, but it's not open for debate. There IS something wrong with women like her. Women ARE made for motherhood and children; it's how God made them. Any women who don't like kids, etc. are somehow defective or twisted.
There aren't any women "like her" (or the "her" that really doesn't exist, but is showcased in this article) that I've ever met.
I've met many kinds, too.
-
Many, many cloistered religious sisters take vows because they don't want to be mothers or wives. They know they are not suited.
Couldn't they just refuse to marry instead of bounding themselves to a hard lifestyle?
-
I'm sorry, but my view of the priesthood, brothers, nuns and oblates is not one that says, hey, these nice little organizations have been created by God, so that people who don't fit into the divinely created natural order, have a place to run and hide in. No, my understanding is, a vow of chastity is a sacrifice that people make to be able to more fully serve God, not to run away from the natural order of things. You might as well say, the priesthood is full of a bunch of sissies and cowards and nuns are bunch of man hating, children loathing, closet lesbians/sex-a-phobes! No, I don't think that's true. But I do think it was a very effective criticism launched against holy orders, in an attempt to destroy them and that "critique" is not bound up in the 60s, but has happened at other times as well. Although, perhaps not quite so effectively, as in the 1960s.
-
At home, there is my family: the husband who I tell on a daily basis that he is my favorite person on Earth (I made sure on our second date that he didn't want kids either; otherwise, there would not have been a third), a rabbit and our two dogs. They are not our children, as they are for some people, but they are our charges, and we fuss and spoil accordingly.
On Mother's Day, I'll come downstairs, rub the sleep out of my eyes, pour some coffee and cuddle in with my odd little pack on the couch. There might not be a greeting card for that, but I don't need one. Everything I want is right here.
The disease called modern society in a nutshell, generation me. But it's better in the end for these people to not have kids and indoctrinate them in their sick minded liberal beliefs.
-
Some people have rancid souls, perhaps this lady does too.
-
You are being overly hostile in your response.
I was accepted into one convent and have been on retreats at several (all traditional). Many of the religious took the fact that they did not want children as a sign that they should investigate a vocation and make an even greater spiritual contribution.
Other signs of a vocation include being very sensitive, intensely prayerful, a desire for God, for repentance, no physical interest in certain intimacies, and lapses in religious practice when not in community.
We don't know if an overwhelming Catholic society and worldview still dominated Western culture the writer may have been a penitent Magdalene, or have considered religious life as an option. Modern culture is so devoid of spirituality that moral nihilism is triumphant and she would never investigate religious life.
I don't know if she has a "rancid soul". There's the possibility that I have one too.
I'm sorry, but my view of the priesthood, brothers, nuns and oblates is not one that says, hey, these nice little organizations have been created by God, so that people who don't fit into the divinely created natural order, have a place to run and hide in. No, my understanding is, a vow of chastity is a sacrifice that people make to be able to more fully serve God, not to run away from the natural order of things. You might as well say, the priesthood is full of a bunch of sissies and cowards and nuns are bunch of man hating, children loathing, closet lesbians/sex-a-phobes! No, I don't think that's true. But I do think it was a very effective criticism launched against holy orders, in an attempt to destroy them and that "critique" is not bound up in the 60s, but has happened at other times as well. Although, perhaps not quite so effectively, as in the 1960s.
-
Refusing to marry is actually harder than religious life because their is no community. One has to be of the world and instead of doing the work of God (prayer), one must focus on profane and mundane obligations (making money, etc). There isn't a religious superior or spiritual advisor to help with spiritual challenges and suffering.
I have chosen not to marry and will likely not have children -- I have not really ever wanted children of my own although I love to care for sick and disabled children in my profession.
I was accepted into a convent but chose not to pursue a vocation for personal reasons.
There isn't that much that is "wrong" with me -- I'm a typical person. Not very good but not very bad either. There have always been women who won't have children and don't want them. In the past religious life would have been a definite option; women could have also been old maid and been assured of the support of their family. Those systems have collapsed and women like me have to fend for ourselves, which is extremely daunting.
Many, many cloistered religious sisters take vows because they don't want to be mothers or wives. They know they are not suited.
Couldn't they just refuse to marry instead of bounding themselves to a hard lifestyle?
-
There aren't any women "like her" (or the "her" that really doesn't exist, but is showcased in this article) that I've ever met.
I've met many kinds, too.
Kat Kinsman has a kindred sister in Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer:
TO the rest of the world, the Berlin Wall was a grim symbol of Communist oppression.
To Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, it’s her husband.
For Eija, 54, has been “married” for 29 years to the giant concrete structure.
And, astonishingly, she claims the couple HAVE cemented their relationship.
Eija, who fancies objects more than men in a kinky practice called objectum-sɛҳuąƖity, fell for her well-built “fella” when she first saw him on TV aged just seven.
She began collecting “his” pictures and saving up for visits. And on her sixth trip in 1979 they tied the knot before a handful of guests.
Eija changed her surname to Berliner-Mauer, German for the Berlin Wall – which was erected by the Soviets in 1961 to halt an exodus from East to West Berlin.
And, although she remains a virgin with humans, she insists she has a full, loving relationship with the wall.
Eija, who lives in Liden, northern Sweden, said: “I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy.
“The Great Wall of China’s attractive, but he’s too thick – my husband is sexier.
“It’s not just pleasuring myself. I want to please my partner when we make love.”
While the rest of mankind rejoiced when the Wall was largely torn down in 1989, poor Eija was mortarfied.
She’s never been back and now keeps models depicting “his” former glory. Eija said: “What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband.”
OH -- don't miss the pun: she was "mortarfied!"
And if that isn't bad enough, how about this news:
Woman Leaves Berlin Wall For Garden Fence
A 54-year old woman who was married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years is now cheating on the iconic landmark with a local garden fence.
Mrs Berliner-Mauer (Berlin Wall), who has been diagnosed with a condition called Objectum-sɛҳuąƖity, claimed she fell in love with the wall when she first saw it on TV as a child. She began collecting "his" pictures and saving up for visits. On her sixth trip in 1979 they tied the knot before a handful of guests.
"The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he's too thick - my husband is sexier."
While she remains a virgin with humans, she insists she had a full, loving relationship with the wall.
Sadly, since the destruction of the wall in 1989, she hasn't been back to visit her lover and has "shifted her affections to a nearby garden fence."
She has a guestbook you can visit, read, and sign if you would like to:
http://www.gastbok.net/gastbok/?gb=1309
This is what you get when perversions become socially acceptable.
It's no more nuts than "same sex marriage."
-
@ Cognorati,
I think in the "economy" we live in, your decision is common.
God Bless
-
I trust her cat, dog, canary etc will be fine company for her when she is old, sick and alone.
It may take a lifetime but eventually selfish people are brought face to face with the choices they have made in their life.
-
I trust her cat, dog, canary etc will be fine company for her when she is old, sick and alone.
Believe it or not she is married, she just doesn't want to have any children. I guess she and her husband like the pleasure, not the responsibility, if you get my meaning.
-
I trust her cat, dog, canary etc will be fine company for her when she is old, sick and alone.
Believe it or not she is married, she just doesn't want to have any children. I guess she and her husband like the pleasure, not the responsibility, if you get my meaning.
It used to be, women usually outlived their husbands...
-
I was actually the opposite. I wanted a husband and children all my life and then at 32 I lost that desire. I am happy with that.
Alex, I am wondering how old you are.
I never even thought about husband and children until I was 30. I was too busy doing interesting work though I was not a career girl. At 30 I started to want to find a husband, though interestingly enough I did not think about children. I was never the “clucky” type and do not go gooey over babies. At 35 I met my husband and the babies just came along and I was very happy to blessed with them. Now as adults, after my husband, they are my best friends.
Anyway, I already suffer enough constantly worrying about the spiritual and bodily welfare of my parents and siblings, so why would I want to bring other people into my life to worry about.
This sounds a little like a rationalisation of somebody who has cut herself off. I detect a sad negativity or pessimism here. Family members are not weights to carry. Are you taking on more worry than is necessary?
I used to be friends with a person who no longer had family in their life. Never knew the father, mother and grandparents died, and no siblings. In a sense I envy them for not having anyone to worry about except themselves. It is especially better to be alone when the major chastisement comes since they don't have to add to their suffering by watching their loved ones suffer or be killed.
I could never envy such a situation; maybe envied the way a person had coped with it. This reminds me of the way people say we shouldn’t have children because there are too many people already! I know you’re not saying that but it is a similar sad way of thinking. Trouble shared is trouble halved!:baby:
I hope you will find really good friends. We need them, major chastisement or otherwise.
-
I do love babies toddlers and young children, I do love the idea of carrying a life inside of you, expecting it's birth and raising it. But I can't tolerate the thought of having rebellious teens at home, helping an 8 year old with his math and being rejected by adult children later in life.
Contrary to what others say, I don't think being woke up by a babies cries in the middle of night is hard. Babies are wonderfully sweet. But 18 years later these sweetness turns bitter: "Mom, how come God is kind, if He doesn't give me an expensive car?"
Spouse of Jesus, does this name signify that you are a consecrated virgin? Or do you hope that one day you will marry and have children? Just wondering!
If it is the latter, please be reassured that teens are not necessarily rebellious though that is what we have been brainwashed to expect. It helps if they are not sent to school but are educated at home by loving wise parents and if you don't bring them up to expect the world on a platter. Your last line, come to think of, gives the impression that you believe that a me-centred upbringing is par for the course. You make it sound like once babies become children they develop into devils. :devil2: :devil2:
Not true!!
P.S. Babies are not necessarily wonderfully sweet.
-
Many, many cloistered religious sisters take vows because they don't want to be mothers or wives. They know they are not suited.
It seems from how you have expressed yourself that you don't understand the concept of a religious vocation. Nobody should enter a convent for the reason that they don't desire to marry and have children.
As for "they are not suited" (to have children), God made woman for the express purpose of making man happy (being his helpmate throughout the length of his or her life) and bearing his children.
But there is a life which serves the purpose of demonstrating to the rest of us who are not so chosen, that there is a higher life - the spiritual life where one sacrifices God's wonderful plans of Marriage, for a higher one. A woman becomes a religious, because she is CALLED by Jesus to be His Spouse. She has children, in the spritual sense. She is not a natural mother, but a supernatural mother.
I never took the fact that I did not desire to be married (until I was 30) as a sign of a vocation to the religious life. I was just never called to it. You can't just invite yourself.
On the other hand my mother had a great desire to be a contemplative nun. She worked voluntarily in a nursing home run by nuns. One of the old people told her - without being asked or told, the comment came completely out of the blue - that she was not meant to enter. Shortly after that, she met my father and they lived happily ever after...
I don't know if she has a "rancid soul". There's the possibility that I have one too.
I doubt very much from what you are saying and where you are sitting, that you have a rancid soul. I would say however that you have yet found your niche but with prayer and searching you will. I hope you will find it and be very happy.
-
I do love babies toddlers and young children, I do love the idea of carrying a life inside of you, expecting it's birth and raising it. But I can't tolerate the thought of having rebellious teens at home, helping an 8 year old with his math and being rejected by adult children later in life.
Contrary to what others say, I don't think being woke up by a babies cries in the middle of night is hard. Babies are wonderfully sweet. But 18 years later these sweetness turns bitter: "Mom, how come God is kind, if He doesn't give me an expensive car?"
Spouse of Jesus, does this name signify that you are a consecrated virgin? Or do you hope that one day you will marry and have children? Just wondering!
If it is the latter, please be reassured that teens are not necessarily rebellious though that is what we have been brainwashed to expect. It helps if they are not sent to school but are educated at home by loving wise parents and if you don't bring them up to expect the world on a platter. Your last line, come to think of, gives the impression that you believe that a me-centred upbringing is par for the course. You make it sound like once babies become children they develop into devils. :devil2: :devil2:
Not true!!
P.S. Babies are not necessarily wonderfully sweet.
Yeah, these marketers are really good at creating desire, but the rest of the business community ain't so good at creating jobs that can fulfill those desires!