Author Topic: How to deal with children wanting to have boyfriend or girlfriend? (Read 1676 times)

Matthew · « **on:** December 04, 2016, 07:42:56 AM »

I thought this was a good topic for discussion. I saw this on Facebook, along with a good response. My oldest daughter is 9 right now, so I was paying attention.

Quote from: Facebook post

Good morning friends, advice would be appreciated. My 15 year old daughter recently started dating. She has been, and continues to be formed in the Catholic faith and all that it encompasses for virtuous and moral living. She wears a purity ring and made a vow of purity at age 13. Should my husband and I speak with the young man she is seeing, privately, and address the chaste dating expectations? Is it our place? If so, what types of things should we say? Our daughter is afraid we will scare him away with such a heavy conversation, but I feel it is essential.

Quote from: Lady who responded

Wow, my daughter is 13 and I am not looking forward to all this. Although I have to say I have had conversations about this since about kindergarten age. Girls in her school (a small academy charter) were alread talking about boyfriends and boys being cute. In second grade a boy asked her to be his girlfriend. i nipped that very quickly reminding her of our rules for dating and what dating was for. Our rule has been at least 17 and also dependent on maturity, trust and how responsible she is. But 17 was just the Soonest we would consider it, doesn't mean it would start then. I have also explained many times that the purpose of dating is To find the person you want to marry so if you are not ready for marriage in about 2 years from when you start dating than you aren't ready to start dating. In second grade with the boy who asked her to be his girlfriend. I told her she could tell him or I could tell him of our rule. I also volunteered regularly so the next time I saw the young boy and he said hi to me. I smiled, said hi and asked if emma had spoken to him about not being able to be his girlfriend yet. He nodded and walked off pretty quickly. He had a girlfriend week later which was another teachable moment about why dating at her age was just not a good idea. I took Emma out of school in 4th grade to homeschool. She was however attending enrichment classes once a week. Where she met a boy and he asked her out. She told me she really liked him she was now in 6th grade. She said he was nice, funny like daddy, and he Loved God and went to church regularly. I applauded her for being wise in looking for those types of Characteristics, but reminded her of our rule and what marriage was for. I asked her if she thought she would like to be married in 8th grade. She frowned said no, and accepted my guidance. I have always had an open door policy for communication with her. I have always spoke about sex unashamed and in a way that is good. I have reiterated that sex is a gift from God meant to be shared in the confinement and sacredness of marriage. I have also explained that it's very normal for her to like a boy and think he is cute and want him to like her back. It is in the natural process of growing into a person ready to find a spouse and form a family. I never make her feel bad for thinking a boy is cute or having a "crush" as long as she doesn't obsses or act upon it. I advise her to guard her heart above all things, and not let emotions take over that she is not yet ready to act upon. I think open conversations and ongoing conversation early on are very important. When she was little (around 4th grade) We would take walks and on one such walk I asked her to look at a full bloomed rose and admire its beauty. I then told her to take a look at a rose bud. I spoke to her about how one day that rose bud would turn into a rose in Full bloom. I asked her what would happen if that bud wanted to be a Rose now. What if we tried to open it to be a rose in full bloom. "It would break" She responded. I told her that God has a time for everything and if you try to rush the process you can break like the bud. I have reminded her about this analogy when it comes to make-up and dating, and anything that felt like she was trying to rush the growing up process. That being said I have also told her that although we think it would be wise to finish school and then marry (and explained why we feel this way) We wouldn't be completely opposed to getting married young (not any younger than 20) depending on with who (we also have made it clear that our approval is something she should value, welcome and respect). it would be contingent on how responsible they both were and if they had a plan in mind. It would be something we could discuss. She is responsible and trust worthy thus far, and we haven't had any real issues up till now. She has respected our authority on the matter, she seems to agree with us, and she has known our expectations from very early on. I also pray very very very diligently for guidance, wisdom, and courage for her, my husband and myself. And for her future husband and his parents as well. And especially for God to protect and keep her from temptation. I can not be everywhere all the time but He can. Good luck to you and may God give you wisdom, courage, and guidance.

Matthew · « **Reply #1 on:** December 04, 2016, 07:52:04 AM »

I bet a lot of parents make this mistake: "she's only 15" but let's face it -- a 15 year old is pretty much a young woman. She is physically able to start a family. In a different age or culture, she would be getting married soon.

As a corollary, I would also point out that a man attracted to her, or even wanting to marry her, would not be a "pedo" even if he were 30 or 40 years old. A "pedo" is a pervert who desires pre-pubescent children for his sɛҳuąƖ gratification. A 15 year old young woman is NOT pre-pubescent.

I know messed-up America cares more about a man dating a 17 year old woman (this is a crime in America) than it does about Abortion (not a crime in America) -- but that's why I call America "messed-up". A man desiring a woman in the flower of youth and beauty is NOT unnatural -- quite the contrary!

For many cultures, it was normal and expected for women to marry at 15 -- or even younger. They went with nature: when a girl becomes a woman physically, they took the hint and allowed her to enter womanhood.

We might criticize this, but let's look at our culture. We allow men to be "boys" long into their late 20's and even 30's. Living with Mom & Dad, playing video games, watching movies, "hanging out", going to College, then grad school, etc.

Centroamerica · « **Reply #2 on:** December 04, 2016, 08:08:06 AM »

Problem now a days is that nature has been disturbed with antiobiotics and growth hormones saturated in the food supply.

St Ignatius · « **Reply #3 on:** December 04, 2016, 09:54:10 AM »

Quote from: Centroamerica

Problem now a days is that nature has been disturbed with antiobiotics and growth hormones saturated in the food supply.

I agree completely. It does seem that these unethical practices boost the biological clock of our youth, while retarding the faculties of their minds.

songbird · « **Reply #4 on:** December 04, 2016, 03:42:43 PM »

Planned Parenthood and this who follow them, once said the same thing in a meeting that I attended to hear them. They said, oh we are having children having children younger and younger,(evolution, so they say) therefore we NEED to give them sex ed and contraceptives and etc.

IMO there is not hormonal changes over the years, BUT we get enough outside encouragement from tv, radio, the cell phones and internet and etc The games and such. Then the peer pressure in the "school". If we want our children nearer to God, Home school and if not the public schools will own them, control them and you lose.

TKGS · « **Reply #5 on:** December 04, 2016, 04:14:32 PM »

Unless a boy or a girl is prepared and is able to marry within a reasonable period of time, no more than about a year, dating is nothing more than an occasion of sin.

Dating for any reason other than explore the possibility of marriage is also an occasion of sin and should be forbidden.

This is not rocket science, parents! Unless your son or daughter is going to get married at 16 years old, they shouldn't be dating at 15 years old. A parent who allows their too young children to date and don't teach them the purpose of dating (for them to apply those lessons when they are legally adults when their decisions in such matters will weigh upon their own souls) will have to answer for their dereliction at their particular judgement.

Last Tradhican · « **Reply #6 on:** December 04, 2016, 07:33:02 PM »

Quote from: TKGS

Unless a boy or a girl is prepared and is able to marry within a reasonable period of time, no more than about a year, dating is nothing more than an occasion of sin.

Dating for any reason other than explore the possibility of marriage is also an occasion of sin and should be forbidden.

This is not rocket science, parents! Unless your son or daughter is going to get married at 16 years old, they shouldn't be dating at 15 years old. A parent who allows their too young children to date and don't teach them the purpose of dating (for them to apply those lessons when they are legally adults when their decisions in such matters will weigh upon their own souls) will have to answer for their dereliction at their particular judgement.

Well put.

The parent, "Lady who responded" in the OP is typical of American parents, naive.

The word "dating" is a euphemism for sex, anytime I hear the word I cringe. I am a man with many young daughters and I can tell you that anyone that wants to go out with my daughter, has to go out with my whole family, all other 7 of us. Having been a single man in the big city pursuing girls for 40 years, I know every trick, and I can tell you that 99% of parents today do not have a clue. Let a young girl go out by herself with a young man, what planet are these people from?

TKGS · « **Reply #7 on:** December 04, 2016, 09:26:09 PM »

Quote from: Last Tradhican

Having been a single man in the big city pursuing girls for 40 years, I know every trick, and I can tell you that 99% of parents today do not have a clue.

Perhaps most of the mothers don't have a clue, but whatever the percentage, almost all the fathers are very aware of what most young men, especially high school boys, asking for dates are looking for.

Last Tradhican · « **Reply #8 on:** December 05, 2016, 07:29:25 AM »

Quote from: TKGS

Quote from: Last Tradhican
Having been a single man in the big city pursuing girls for 40 years, I know every trick, and I can tell you that 99% of parents today do not have a clue.

Perhaps most of the mothers don't have a clue, but whatever the percentage, almost all the fathers are very aware of what most young men, especially high school boys, asking for dates are looking for.

Then why do they allow their daughters to go out with them alone? They've been doing it in the USA for, what, almost 100 years? By the way, this USA practice has been spread by movies and TV all over the world.

The same as practically no one in the world lives the Catholic life, maybe 1% of Catholics live the faith, they've been brainwashed out of it by the propaganda ministries (TV, Movies, and the other the medias ).

I see it in my SSPX chapel, they all allow their daughters to go out with boys. They all allow their daughters to play with the boys at all ages. No one thinks anything of it.

AMDGJMJ · « **Reply #9 on:** December 05, 2016, 08:15:08 AM »

Parents lacking discipline and care over their children has been happening for hundreds if not thousands of years...

I remember Saint Francis de Sales spoke about this in his book, Introduction to the Devout Life.

Saint John Vianney wrote about it in the book called, The Sermons of the Cure of Ars.

Also, Father Lasance explains this in depth in his book, The Catholic Girl's Guide.

The cause of this is that so many parents are worldly and care more for human respect than the laws of God and the standards of the Church. They just want to see their children settled down, but they don't think of the fact that they might be ruining their children's lives.

My parents are what some people might call "old-fashioned". They are novus ordo, but they are against dating because it means just "hanging out" alone with someone else, and is often a near occasion of sin. Instead they support courtship and made sure that my siblings had chaperones whenever they went out. Any man who asks one of my sisters out also has had to ask my father's permission first. This tends to chase away anyone who has bad intentions, and makes only those stick around who are more respectful and serious about marriage.

TKGS · « **Reply #10 on:** December 05, 2016, 11:33:48 AM »

Quote from: Last Tradhican

Quote from: TKGS
Quote from: Last Tradhican
Having been a single man in the big city pursuing girls for 40 years, I know every trick, and I can tell you that 99% of parents today do not have a clue.

Perhaps most of the mothers don't have a clue, but whatever the percentage, almost all the fathers are very aware of what most young men, especially high school boys, asking for dates are looking for.

Then why do they allow their daughters to go out with them alone? They've been doing it in the USA for, what, almost 100 years? By the way, this USA practice has been spread by movies and TV all over the world.

The same as practically no one in the world lives the Catholic life, maybe 1% of Catholics live the faith, they've been brainwashed out of it by the propaganda ministries (TV, Movies, and the other the medias ).

I see it in my SSPX chapel, they all allow their daughters to go out with boys. They all allow their daughters to play with the boys at all ages. No one thinks anything of it.

First of all, I doubt the problem we're discussing here was a problem 100 years ago.

But to answer your question, why do these fathers allow it? I think the Matthew has posted quite a number of topics on the feminized male that has developed over the past few years. They simply don't have the ****s to say no.

As for the parents in SSPX chapels, or, indeed, in any chapels, I don't know. I really don't know why many allow it.

Cantarella · « **Reply #11 on:** December 05, 2016, 12:34:16 PM »

Quote

First of all, I doubt the problem we're discussing here was a problem 100 years ago.

The problem did not happen 100 years ago because the idea of a young man and a young woman being alone was simply unconceivable. Parents and / or chaperones were ALWAYS present during the courting period. At least, this was true for the majority of good, ordered families in society. It is simply an occasion of sin for two youths to be left alone without the presence of decent and responsible adults. Parents are utterly irresponsible or pathetically naïve when they allow their sons and daughters to participate in such encounters and expect nothing evil to come from it. I believe that huge part of the problem nowadays, besides the utter moral leprosy in society, is the silly emphasis in "romance" to justify "free love" relations (which really are nothing more than the mortal sin of fornication).

The only purpose of courting is marriage. I think 1 - 2 years is the maximum length of time for its duration. A young man or woman should be ready to marry within this period of time. Parents should not allow courting before the age of marriage (this may vary depending if its a son or a daughter) and chaperones really need to make a come back!

TKGS · « **Reply #12 on:** December 05, 2016, 03:29:57 PM »

I stand corrected by AMDGJMJ and Cantarella on what happened 100 years ago. Both of you are absolutely correct.

Last Tradhican · « **Reply #13 on:** December 05, 2016, 05:16:51 PM »

Quote from: TKGS

Quote from: Last Tradhican

Then why do they allow their daughters to go out with them alone? They've been doing it in the USA for, what, almost 100 years?

First of all, I doubt the problem we're discussing here was a problem 100 years ago.

Since the 1920's (mini skirts, women drinking with men, bathing suits exposing the body. It was called the roaring 20's. Our Lady of Fatima warned of it) that's almost 100 years. Basically, women became easy.

TKGS · « **Reply #14 on:** December 05, 2016, 08:49:19 PM »

Quote from: Last Tradhican

Quote from: TKGS
Quote from: Last Tradhican

Then why do they allow their daughters to go out with them alone? They've been doing it in the USA for, what, almost 100 years?

First of all, I doubt the problem we're discussing here was a problem 100 years ago.

Since the 1920's (mini skirts, women drinking with men, bathing suits exposing the body. It was called the roaring 20's. Our Lady of Fatima warned of it) that's almost 100 years. Basically, women became easy.

Please see my post immediately above your reply.