Introduction:

I see so much in the media about kids being bullied and killing themselves, that it makes me sad, and I wanted to say a few words to any boys getting bullied who might be reading (or for moms to think about showing to their boys if dad isn’t around, or doesn’t know how to handle it).

I’m going to break my comments up into two sections:

1) The mental reaction

2) The physical reaction

That which follows will not work in every situation, but it was my path, and will work for most.



The Healthy Mental Reaction:

I grew up in a tough neighborhood and went to tough public schools, and at various points in my K-12 “education,” I was bullied at one time or another, either in sports, in the hallways, or after school.

At no point did things ever get so bad in my head that I thought to myself, “There is no light at the end of the tunnel; I will never recover from this; I cannot endure the shame (and keep in mind, I am a melancholic-sanguine temperament!); I must kill myself.”

I have the solution for those who get to that point, somehow, but A couple more words...

Dads, confronted with the fact that their child is being bullied, might go the route of “Leave it to Beaver,” and tell their kid, “Son, you just need to stand up for yourself, and the next time “he” does that to you, just keep punching as hard and fast as you can.”

Now that’s great if your son already has the heart to do that as a child, but remember fortitude is a virtue (ie., good habit), so most won’t.  You risk scarring your boy as a failure if he is not capable of taking your advice, and when he gets his ass kicked and realizes listening to you is stupid, there’s going to be additional problems in the late teenage years.

Here’s the mental solution:

If the boy has tried to physically defend himself, and it has only made the problem worse (or if he is not able presently to “take the plunge” and fight), what he needs to do is to cultivate a chip on his shoulder, and interiorly commit himself to self-improvement:

In the midst of this bullying, he needs to hit the gym; maybe he needs to take up boxing or jiujitsu (if he can find a place where he doesn’t have to roll with girls) or join a local MMA team/club, always with this in mind:

You guys might be getting the better of me today and even for the next couple years, but at some point (when I physically develop from the weights, and gain confidence from wins on the mat or in the ring), the tables are going to turn, baby!

That’s the light at the end of the tunnel mentally:

Knowing you have not yet assumed your ultimate form, and one day you are going to be a VERY different person, and all the bullies, and all the things you are getting tormented with today are the things which will drive you to become (at the natural level) a superior man.

For myself, this mindset led to a complete change of self-perception and personal accomplishment: Academic, athletic, relationships, occupational, and ultimately spiritual (since the spiritual life is incessant battle).

Oh, the looks on the faces of those I graduated high school with (who used to torment the 5’ 10” 163lb senior), when they beheld a man 7-8 years later at 205, benching 340, 8 years of jiujitsu and 5 years of bouncer fights under my belt:

Everything in those moments was made whole.

The tables were turned, and a certain part of me wished someone might test me...but they never did.

This needs to be the mindset of those who are not capable of solving their bully situations:

One day you will dominate (if you need to).


The Healthy Physical Reaction:

Start by getting in the gym!

You need to hit the weights, 5 days/week, and never quit.

When I started, I was embarrassed in high school, to be the lightest guy on the football team, but I said to myself: This is temporary.

You are lifting for mass and strength (which with a young man’s metabolism might not kick in for a couple years), not definition.

Same thing if you are overweight: If you are fat, you already have an advantage, as that fat converts easier than building mass from scratch.

Then go find a place to learn jiujitsu.

After 3 months training 3x/week, you’ll start beating some of the other white belts here and there, with techniques that work on the street/playground.

That will be a watershed moment for you.

Conclusion:

Between your mental and physical development, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you will truly be able to say that the torments you endured (which drove you to this self-improvement) made you stronger.

You will carry this newfound confidence with you everywhere: With jobs, confrontations, relationships, church.

And the cherry on top is knowing those bullies wouldn’t stand a chance against you today (and you will sense they know it too).

This is how to deal with bullying in a constructive way.  This is how to become the man you always wanted to be.

This is how to become the man you always wanted to be.

You are sadly mistaken if you think that this makes you a man. Remember this Sean, a real man is a male who controls his passions.

Good advice.

Myself I never had an issue with physical bullying. It's not that I was some titan, but violence was rare at my school. But what I did have an issue with at one point was the sassy type of bullying. One guy in my friend group just constantly making digs or gossiping about me to others to try and make me look bad in front of everyone. The frustrating thing about it was that I knew I could've beaten the crap out of him if he did start anything, but he knew that too so he never gave me any opportunities to. He was never aggressive or confrontational, just sassy. If I'd just attacked him after he made another passive-aggressive dig, I'd have looked like some violent spaz over-reacting to nothing; the bad guy. I never did figure out a way to deal with it before he finally stopped(and started acting all friendly again like nothing happened. Bizarre really), and thinking back on it now I still don't know what you should do to deal with someone like that.

Any thoughts?

I found that you don’t need to win any fights.  You just need to make it a pain in the arse for anyone to pick on you.  It only takes a little effort to learn how to punch and then practice that.  Then you have to learn by experience and determination how to keep in the fight even when you are taking hits.  If you do that, you don’t need to win because it will be a lot of work for the bully to pick on you.  They always choose soft targets.  They don’t pick fights with people who punch back hard even if they know that they can win the fight.  I’m slightly below average in height and weight so in grade school a lot of boys made the mistake of thinking I was an easy target.  I never had anyone pick a fight with me more than once.  And although I didn’t always win, I did beat some boys who were way bigger than me.  There’s nothing wrong with Sean’s post but parents shouldn’t be afraid to tell their boys to go out and punch the bully in the face.  My grandmother handed my (5 yo) mother a brick to throw at some workmen who were harassing her.  That ended hilariously but it illustrates the point that fighting bullies isn’t necessarily a winner take all situation.  Just making it very difficult for the bully is often enough to end the threat.

I found that you don’t need to win any fights.  You just need to make it a pain in the arse for anyone to pick on you.  It only takes a little effort to learn how to punch and then practice that.  Then you have to learn by experience and determination how to keep in the fight even when you are taking hits.  If you do that, you don’t need to win because it will be a lot of work for the bully to pick on you.  They always choose soft targets.  They don’t pick fights with people who punch back hard even if they know that they can win the fight.  I’m slightly below average in height and weight so in grade school a lot of boys made the mistake of thinking I was an easy target.  I never had anyone pick a fight with me more than once.  And although I didn’t always win, I did beat some boys who were way bigger than me.  There’s nothing wrong with Sean’s post but parents shouldn’t be afraid to tell their boys to go out and punch the bully in the face.  My grandmother handed my (5 yo) mother a brick to throw at some workmen who were harassing her.  That ended hilariously but it illustrates the point that fighting bullies isn’t necessarily a winner take all situation.  Just making it very difficult for the bully is often enough to end the threat.

Good post.
Yes, there’s lots of different scenarios and options, but mine was directed towards those who, today, can’t bring themselves to do what you did.
I wanted to let them know that things can be very different for them if they put in the effort, and therefore things aren’t really as bad as they seem.
Basically, I wanted to give those types a way out.
It works.

I should point out that sometimes there is group bullying.  A group picks on an individual target.  You most likely are not going to win that fight.  But fight back any way.  A lot of times those situations cause on lookers to take your side.  I actually did get into a couple of fights were I was fighting more than one person.  Very difficult.  I never got into a situation where I feared for my life.  If you are in the inner city, you might need to change tactics.  In some cases they have been known to beat their classmates to death.  I guess you need to know when to run too.

I remember once a kid was getting picked on and the bully was attempting to grab and wrestle his victim to the ground, so the victim yelled "rape, rape!" and the bully let him go. 

 I never got into a situation where I feared for my life.  If you are in the inner city, you might need to change tactics.  In some cases they have been known to beat their classmates to death.  I guess you need to know when to run too.

An important point to remember is to evaluate the level of bullying. Is the bully only trying to intimidate but has no intention of serious harm, or does he intend to commit a crime (serious physical harm or even death). An serious threats to life must be taken seriously before the fight even occurs, as the fight might be to the death.

If the bully only intends to tease or do other non-criminal activity, then I would recommend that the victim (usually before being a victim) try to make at least one friend within each groups or clique at school, so that you have at least one friend to advocate for you should a bully come from one of the groups. Preferably try to make friends with the strongest boy in school. I remember once in Jr. High a potential bully was going to cause me trouble, but next thing I know Big Ben came and picked up the bully and placed him on the ground. The bully never attempted any physical confrontations.