Author Topic: HELP.  (Read 7940 times)

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Offline Sophia

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HELP.
« on: July 15, 2011, 05:35:56 PM »
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  • I'm almost 19 years old. Last year I lost my virginity to my then bf....luckily I'm out of that relationship now, but I'm still struggling with the same temptation. I have a wonderful boyfriend right now...I wouldn't say perfect, but he's just been amazing these past 7 months....the problem is that we've been getting more physical.

    Gah, this feels so weird just talking to random strangers I don't even know...but I know I can't do this alone anymore. I need help before I let this get out of hand again. It's so hard...and I've dealt with this temptation all my life, since I was 7...which gives me reason to believe I was molested as a child before I was molested by my brother at 12...it's easy to blame the past....but now is now, and I don't want to go through the pain and suffering again and ruin this relationship. I know this is choppy and probably makes little sense, but I jut can't think straight right now...

    Please, is there anyone out there that can help me?

    Offline the smart sheep

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    HELP.
    « Reply #1 on: July 15, 2011, 05:44:56 PM »
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  • End this relationship immediately. Pick up your Rosary, right now, and begin to pray it. Our Lady will guide you.  :pray:

    sheep


    Offline gladius_veritatis

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    HELP.
    « Reply #2 on: July 15, 2011, 05:52:19 PM »
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  • Welcome, Sophia :)

    God reward your simplicity for sharing these hard things with strangers.

    IMO, unless your bf is in a position to MARRY you, you should consider breaking it off.  Dating/courtship only has ONE purpose, and it is not to pass the time or gain "experience."

    What is done is done, but do not lose heart, sweet pea -- all things happen for a reason and you can obtain something more important than purity of body: purity of heart.  God loves the pure of heart :)
    + Vincit veritas +

    Offline Sophia

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    HELP.
    « Reply #3 on: July 15, 2011, 05:53:29 PM »
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  • This guy is the best thing to happen to in a very long time...I don't want to just leave someone who cares for and respects me as much as he does...maybe I should have explained this better.

    Even if I was single, I still have massive issues with abstinence. I have since I was about 12 years old. Weather it be masturbating, impure thoughts, feelings, or actions...its still there. The boy I'm dating knows this, and does whatever he can to help me. When I said "physical" I didn't mean we were actually having sex or anything near that....but I'm afraid of letting it get to that point...

    Offline Catholic Samurai

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    HELP.
    « Reply #4 on: July 15, 2011, 06:02:18 PM »
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  • Quote from: Sophia


    Please, is there anyone out there that can help me?


    After Our Lord and Our Lady, you are your own savior.

    All of us are subject to the "sting of the flesh", and some more intensely than others. But God gives us the necessary graces, or the opportunities to obtain those graces, that we need to subdue it. Say the whole Rosary everyday without fail, do spiritual reading and read the biographies of the saints to remove your mind from the world, and practice mortification. And by that I dont mean go and scourge yourself to bleeding or anything like that! I mean at least TRY to deprive yourself of comfort in little ways, fast every once in a while by skipping a meal, exercise often, keep yourself occupied with some constructive pursuit/keep busy. Mortification reinforces your will. When you make sacrifices for something, you will be less likely to give it up, and this is especially true when it comes to chastity.

    God provides the medicine, but you have to swallow it to beat the sickness.
    "Louvada Siesa O' Sanctisimo Sacramento!"~warcry of the Amakusa/Shimabara rebels

    "We must risk something for God!"~Hernan Cortes


    TEJANO AND PROUD!


    Offline Sophia

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    HELP.
    « Reply #5 on: July 15, 2011, 06:07:40 PM »
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  • I really hope I can stick to that...though mortification might not be the best idea for me at this point...because I've been fighting a whole other battle involving anorexia and self harm...mortification might be too tempting for me to use as an excuse at this point.

    Offline parentsfortruth

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    HELP.
    « Reply #6 on: July 15, 2011, 06:11:56 PM »
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  •  :cry:

    I am going to share something with you because I can DIRECTLY relate to what you're saying.

    When I was a young girl, a babysitter molested me, and a few members of my family as well on one of the FEW occasions my parents actually left the house. At the time this happened, he was not punished because he was underage at the time, but now, he is currently serving prison time in Washington State for DOING THE SAME THING, and now he's in his 40's. Serial pervert.

    Anyway, I had a warped view of relationships when I was a young lady, too...
    The reason I'm telling you this is because I don't want you to fall into the same trap I did.

    I actually went looking for illicit relations, but ironically it was with the man that is now my husband. This crumbled our relationship in the beginning. I had just turned 18 when it happened, and it was completely my fault.

    There was a young man that my parents could not stand (rightfully so,) that I'd known since I was around 14, and he attempted to take advantage of me 4 years before. Stupidly, when I destroyed my relationship with my then future husband, I felt completely worthless, and I gave myself over to this troublemaker for comfort.

    Since I was 18, I could "do whatever I wanted" and I made the abhorrent, sinful decision to basically be a concubine to this man. Not long after, nature being as it is, I discovered a week before my high school graduation that I was pregnant.

    Needless to say, he didn't want anything to do with it, and he was upset (duh, what did he think was going to happen?). I started calculating my options.

    I didn't want him to grow up without a father. I knew he wasn't going to have that if he stayed with me. With tremendous pressure from my extended family to keep him, which made my decision vastly more difficult than it had to be, I gave him up for adoption.

    This was something I wouldn't ever had to go through if I had stuck to my morals, and quelled my rebellious inclinations.

    Even after that happened, I struggled, thinking no one would want me, because I had done what I had done, and because of what had happened to me when I was a young girl.

    Being the totally undeserving person I am, God miraculously sent me my husband, in the most unlikely way.

    Right now, my son that I gave up is 15 now, and I pray so hard that someday he will come back to find me. I have been married 13 years, and it is only by the beautiful mercy of God that I was plucked from the clutches of my sin, and placed in the protective hands of my husband.

    At the time he felt I was "too young" for him, when we were dating initially, but three years can change  things. I was married at 21 to the one that I had so foolishly thrown myself at, and thank God it was someone who had the Faith.

    I am glad you've come here to ask for help. Back then, I didn't have many friends because of my outspokenness, and was basically shunned, and starved for attention.

    This caused me to leap at any attention I would receive from the opposite sex most especially.

    Despite what you think, IF YOU WANT A DECENT MAN, THEY DO NOT WANT SEX FROM YOU, AND WILL RESPECT YOU IF YOU DO NOT!

    I am going to link a thread. Tell your boyfriend that you need to take a week break, and read this book, pleasepleaseplease believe me and get a copy of it.

    http://www.cathinfo.com/catholic.php/Modern-women-want-to-have-their-cake-AND-eat-it-too
    Matthew 5:37

    But let your speech be yea, yea: no, no: and that which is over and above these, is of evil.

    My Avatar is Fr. Hector Bolduc. He was a faithful parish priest in De Pere, WI,

    Offline the smart sheep

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    HELP.
    « Reply #7 on: July 15, 2011, 06:13:12 PM »
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  • Thank you for explaining the issue more clearly. Sins of the flesh is very hard to conquer. I am not the best at advising you but you came to the right forum for guidance and prayers.

    Quote from: Sophia
    ...I wouldn't say perfect,


    What do you mean by this? You don't have to answer, but how I took it is that you know something is wrong here but can't put your finger on it.

    Still, you might want distance yourself from your bf until you study and pray on this issue . It sounds like he will be very understanding and supportive of this idea.

    I will keep you in my prayers,

    sheep


    Offline Daegus

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    HELP.
    « Reply #8 on: July 15, 2011, 06:25:57 PM »
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  • Quote from: Sophia
    I really hope I can stick to that...though mortification might not be the best idea for me at this point...because I've been fighting a whole other battle involving anorexia and self harm...mortification might be too tempting for me to use as an excuse at this point.


    Just out of curiosity, are you Catholic? (This is not an attack on you, just a sincere question)

    Mortification does not automatically mean depriving yourself of all food. What it can mean is not drinking anything other than water for a day, giving up putting salt on your scrambled eggs for a day, etc. Things like that. It doesn't need to be anything big.

    Also, I don't mean to get personal, but if you've had sex with this man that you're currently dating, you need to break it off. In fact, I'd suggest you break it off anyways because it seems as though you're a little bit too confused to be in a relationship anyways. You say that this man is the best thing that's ever happened to you in a while. That's a very troubling statement. If the best thing that's ever happened to you in a while is anything other than finding traditional Catholicism, I'd be very worried. In fact.. I am worried. You have gone through quite a lot, and I personally don't believe a relationship is what you need right now. You need spiritual direction and the sacraments of the Church to get your life in order. Trust in Jesus, Our Lady, the Angels and the Communion of Saints.

    You have a lot to worry about, and a relationship should not be one of them. Men will come and go but Christ is forever. Just know that.

    I don't doubt that the man you are dating is a good man, truly, I don't. However, at the same time, you might want to think about how your troubles could be affecting him. Love can wait. Blindly trust in Our Lord as St. Gertrude the Great did in her life, and you will never be let down. I promise.
    For those who I have unjustly offended, please forgive me. Please disregard my posts where I lacked charity and you will see that I am actually a very nice person. Disregard my opinions on "NFP", "Baptism of Desire/Blood" and the changes made to the sacra

    Offline Catholic Samurai

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    HELP.
    « Reply #9 on: July 15, 2011, 06:28:17 PM »
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  • Quote from: Sophia
    I really hope I can stick to that...though mortification might not be the best idea for me at this point...because I've been fighting a whole other battle involving anorexia and self harm...mortification might be too tempting for me to use as an excuse at this point.


    I understand what you're saying.

    If that's the case, then a daily Rosary accompanied by some prayers said to Our Lady for purity in the morning and at night when going to bed will get you started with something to build on. But you will find that a 15 decade Rosary is most effective, (though difficult if you're impatient like me).
    "Louvada Siesa O' Sanctisimo Sacramento!"~warcry of the Amakusa/Shimabara rebels

    "We must risk something for God!"~Hernan Cortes


    TEJANO AND PROUD!

    Offline Exilenomore

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    HELP.
    « Reply #10 on: July 15, 2011, 06:36:28 PM »
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  • If you do not already, pray the daily Rosary. It is very important to develop a devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary to stay pure in body and soul. God does indeed give the necessary graces to overcome any temptation, also when wounds of the past have to do with it. But it is important to keep praying.

    It is also needless to say that you should avoid occasions of sin. Perhaps it is also good to have something to occupy yourself with when the temptations come, to avoid idleness.


    Offline Sophia

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    « Reply #11 on: July 15, 2011, 06:37:01 PM »
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  • Parentsfortruth:

    Thank you for sharing that with me...it means so much that you would tell me your story to help me. After all, one bad thing on our lives can produce a million good thins because of it. I actually had a week long no contact at all break from him for a religious retreat, and he;s going back to college on Monday, a couple of states away from where I live. One of the reasons I actually chose to go out with hi was because of the distance...I discovered since my last bf that i need allot of space, both mental and physical in order for me to think clearly. I also learned that no man deserve my body until he is my husband...so I put up spoken barriers with me and my current bf...its strange how when you don't intend to break rules you end up finding loopholes...which is the source of our problem right now. Also the fact that I've been under the thumb of men so much I don't know how to find my voice when I feel uncomfortable...but I think this time it is more of my own fault than his, because I shut up the little voice in my head that says "you're going to regret this later!" and just keep going. I'm afraid of it escalating....and I think I proved today that if I leave it alone it will continue at this level of physical behavior and eventually evolve...

    Sheep:
    If you read above, you can see that we will have allot of distance soon because he'll have classes again and so will I. I think then I will be able to focus on my pure of heart goals.
    And I don't mind answering your question. I say he isn't perfect because no one is. He does have some points that I'd rather he didn't have...like having a steady faith instead of being agnostic...but that is for him to discover, and I can only encourage him. He comes to church with me, and even attended adoration with me. I constantly talk about God (yeah, I'm a Jesus-freak as many people call me) and he never says anything negative. Just the other night he told me to always be strong in my faith and to never give in to pressure. He has the makings of a true Christian...if only he would see what I see. But now I'm rambling...

    Offline the smart sheep

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    HELP.
    « Reply #12 on: July 15, 2011, 06:37:07 PM »
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  • Quote from: Sophia
    I really hope I can stick to that...though mortification might not be the best idea for me at this point...because I've been fighting a whole other battle involving anorexia and self harm...mortification might be too tempting for me to use as an excuse at this point.


    Would it be possible for you to do two things?

    1. Say one Rosary every day (15 min.) and

     2. One week away from the boyfriend to read some posts.( I am sure one of us can find some good readings to bump up).

    Give it a whirl?
    sheep

    Offline Sophia

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    « Reply #13 on: July 15, 2011, 06:43:30 PM »
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  • Its funny you should say that Exilenomore...we've been trying to avoid idleness. The thing is, my parents with all good intentions try and keep us from that very same sin causing occurrence, and end up pushing us into it. I can't go to his house under any circumstance. No parks, not the library, hiking or anything that involves us being even remotely alone. So we have: my house, the mall, out to dinner, the movies. Because both my parents are usually always working, we have on all days except Sunday: the mall, out to dinner, the movies. Because neither of us have spare money, we have: the mall. I am sick of the mall...and e just end up finding places to be alone anyways, because I hate crowds and you can't hear each other or do...anything actually. Meanwhile, if we could go to the library we could go on his computer and watch movies (with headphones of course) read, find interesting books, and do all sorts of stuff. If we could go hiking.....well, I think it best if we didn't go alone on hikes, but at least we'd have someplace interesting to walk. If i could go to his house, we'd have video games, movies, card games, board games, loud conversations and I could get to know his parents better. We found out we would have more to do everywhere else but the mall...and that's all we have.

    Offline the smart sheep

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    HELP.
    « Reply #14 on: July 15, 2011, 06:44:26 PM »
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  • Quote from: Sophia
    Parentsfortruth:

    Thank you for sharing that with me...it means so much that you would tell me your story to help me. After all, one bad thing on our lives can produce a million good thins because of it. I actually had a week long no contact at all break from him for a religious retreat, and he;s going back to college on Monday, a couple of states away from where I live. One of the reasons I actually chose to go out with hi was because of the distance...I discovered since my last bf that i need allot of space, both mental and physical in order for me to think clearly. I also learned that no man deserve my body until he is my husband...so I put up spoken barriers with me and my current bf...its strange how when you don't intend to break rules you end up finding loopholes...which is the source of our problem right now. Also the fact that I've been under the thumb of men so much I don't know how to find my voice when I feel uncomfortable...but I think this time it is more of my own fault than his, because I shut up the little voice in my head that says "you're going to regret this later!" and just keep going. I'm afraid of it escalating....and I think I proved today that if I leave it alone it will continue at this level of physical behavior and eventually evolve...

    Sheep:
    If you read above, you can see that we will have allot of distance soon because he'll have classes again and so will I. I think then I will be able to focus on my pure of heart goals.
    And I don't mind answering your question. I say he isn't perfect because no one is. He does have some points that I'd rather he didn't have...like having a steady faith instead of being agnostic...but that is for him to discover, and I can only encourage him. He comes to church with me, and even attended adoration with me. I constantly talk about God (yeah, I'm a Jesus-freak as many people call me) and he never says anything negative. Just the other night he told me to always be strong in my faith and to never give in to pressure. He has the makings of a true Christian...if only he would see what I see. But now I'm rambling...


    Thank you for sharing Sophia, I see now. You are a strong young lady. Hang in there and take it one step at a time, baby steps if you have to.

    What do you mean by "agnostic"? Does he call himself that? These can be questions to be answered for later. I was just curious.

    sheep

     

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