their relationship is clearly unhealthy and I can't live with it forever.

There's your answer -- you can't live with it forever.

Please realize that when you marry someone, you also marry into their family.    This will be the cause of not a few disagreements and fights.

I don't mean to hurt you, but if you are smart, you will high tail it right now out of this relationship.  There are already problems, and marriage won't make them go away.  Nor will you change anyone.  

The handwriting is on the wall.  Read it.  Others have seen that writing and chosen to ignore it, and lived to regret it.

Lately I've been having a lot of problems relating to my future mother-in-law and I'm not sure what to do.

All problems can be reasoned fairly easily.  You probably already really know what to do, but just need someone to support your decision.

Here's some background info:
She divorced my fiance's father when he was still young. She later got remarried and had a second child when my fiance was 20. He ended up being an abuser so they are now separated.

I am always very cautious of people who have been divorced more than once.  Women who marry abusive men have other issues as well.  

For the past 3 years I've known my fiance, she has always had a crisis. She is constantly asking him for money and whenever she has an emotional issue she calls him. She unloads all her problems on him and he doesn't stop her. Many times he has had to break plans with me to deal with her problems.

This is a product of the above situation.  Women who are divorced for long periods of time and raise children often become emotionally attached to those children.  They often look to their children to solve their emotional problems.  It's the only assurance in their lives.  It doesn't end miraculously, if ever.

She also hasn't held a job and has been living off government money, food stamps, and her mother's social security check. She has bounced from home to home, staying with friends and the last place was a trailer she bought.

It's called learned helplessness.  Actually finding a way to support herself, and I am assuming she is quite young still, would probably be emotionally difficult.  She has learned to be dependent on others and her needs have been met quite well.  

When my fiance moved to another state, she followed him. She had no reason to go but she packed everything and moved the whole family across the country to be with him.

This falls into the category that I mentioned above.  She views her grown son as more of a husband and protector.  Where he goes, there she will be.  He is her support system, always has been, and it will be quite devastating for her to be without him.

She had no job prospects there, no place to live, and no car. When she got there, she stayed with a family my fiance knew when she had never met them before.

Once again, learned helplessness.  Why take care of yourself when others will do so for you?

When they got tired of her, my fiance paid to put her in a hotel until she could find a place to live. Mind you, he promised he wouldn't give her money anymore because we need to save up for our wedding. He told me he wasn't paying for her hotel but I found a receipt in the car. When I asked him he said it was only one night but he was clearly lying and eventually admitted it was for the whole week. He lied to me to give her money.

I would worry more about this situation than anything.  If your fiance is willing to put his relationship with his mother before his relationship with you and even lie about it, then you have serious issues already.  Deny these issues now and you will have a marriage full of similar painful issues.

 

4 months after moving up there, she still has no job. She claimed she couldn't work because she was in school (only 2 days a week) and she needed to finish school in order to find a good job. She now says she is going to quit school and work. This makes no sense. She has said to me several times that she does not want to work, she just wants a man to support her.

See above regarding learned helplessness.

She does so many irresponsible things without thinking of how it is going to affect those around her. I worry that she will continue not working and will expect my fiance to support her. She will have some sort of self-made crisis and she will end up on our doorstep, expecting to move the whole family in.

This is a fairly reasonable assumption on your part.  This woman has some very deep seated personality issues.  These rarely change.

The problem is my fiance is in denial. He tells me what a self-sufficient woman she is and how she wants to work and support herself. For the past 3 years she hasn't and she has no plans to do this. He defends her no matter what.

And he will continue to do so.  I know nothing about your fiance personally but I have known plenty of young men who were raised by single mom's and had no father at home.  They "owe" everything to their mothers.  They won't abandon them and they often have a really hard time seeing the truth.  This can change, but not without some real effort.

 we are having the biggest fight because of it. We are on the verge of splitting and I don't know what to do.

You have lots of choices, but all of them are difficult and have long term consequences.  You must decide, personally, what you are willing to deal with now and what you are willing to deal with later.  You have to consider more than just your feelings about your fiance.

The other problem with her is that she is vulgar, disrespectful, very immodest,

Her problems, but best to avoid shopping trips and family outings with people like this.

 

and from what I've seen, an ill-fit mother. She should be working to provide for her child but she chooses not to. I have seen her tie him to the table so he can't run around because she can't control him. She also keeps him on a leash when she takes him out in public because again, she can't control him. He is 3 years old and can't really speak. He sometimes acts like a dog and will come up to you and sniff and bark instead of speaking. He has even gone so far as to eat out of the dog's bowls pretending to be the dog.

This, however, is a very serious accusation.  If this is indeed the case, why haven't you, as a potential aunt, called the authorities?  This child is being abused in a most grievous manner.  This is inhuman.  A complaint is warranted and I don't say that lightly at all.  I HATE government intervention, but his child deserves to actually be a child and not treated like an animal.  Period.  

I do not want her around my children but my fiance says that if my mother can be around, his can. He also says that she raised him just fine.

Are you referring to future children or do you have children now?  

I really am at a loss as to what to do.

I don't think you are, really

He says he won't support her but I know if she came to our door, he wouldn't turn her away. The other disturbing thing is that he sees no problem with her picking up and moving when he does. He is thinking about moving back to where I am and he said he didn't see a problem if she followed him again.

This should tell you everything you need to know.  From his own admission, he will never turn her away and has no problem with her following him around.

 Can you imagine? A woman in her late 40s is picking up and moving every time her son does and he sees nothing wrong with it. He just says that she's his mom and she loves him.

Yes.  I have family members who are exactly like this.  I can promise you---it will NEVER end.  You'll have to deal with it for the rest of your life if you marry him.

I think the lines between a son's job and a husband's job have blurred in both of their minds but when I bring up all these problems, he tells me I'm just insecure.

Very observant on your part.

What do I do? I don't want to end things with him but their relationship is clearly unhealthy and I can't live with it forever.

Hon, as I said above you have several options, each of them with short term consequences and long term consequences.  It's high time you start making decisions with your head and not your emotions.  

Why in the world would Our Lord want you to spend the rest of your life living like this?  He wouldn't.  When we marry, we "unmarry" our parents and create a new family.  While it is important to have connections and contacts with parents and other relatives, it is detrimental to a marriage to have one's parents totally involved in one's life.  It can be quite difficult to manage.  

My mother, who became disabled 10 years ago, lives with us.  My husband is great about it, but it is very frustrating all the time.  She is always putting her two cents in about how we raise our children.  It has caused A LOT of issues in our family that we have to deal with on a DAILY basis.  I can handle it, because I am perfectly aware of who my mother is.  

INHO, you'd be much better off cutting all ties with this guy sooner than later.  There are PLENTY of really good men out there.  

However, no relationship is perfect.  But you don't want to begin a life with someone who already has so much baggage do you?

Just my thoughts....

Leave this man! These issues that he has with his mother will follow him for the rest of his life. If you are not willing to put up with her for the rest of her natural life, then you should leave this man and do not marry him.

That's a question to ask yourself.  

Do you want to be #2 in your husband's life - if you would even be that - he may have other priorities aside from his mommy to put before you.

I have noticed the past twenty years or so that this is a common thing.  Men with their daughters and women with their sons that take the place of the missing spouse.  In other words, the daughter becomes the wife and the son becomes the husband.  

I missed the bit about the 3 year old being tethered and his inability to speak.  That is child abuse and neglect, and shows how your boyfriend was raised, and how he would likely treat your babies.  What if he left them with this creature???

He won't do well in foster care, but you need to run for your life!  Pray very hard for them, but what you've described is simply not a good prospect for a Catholi marraige.

Forget about marrying this poor man!

Lately I've been having a lot of problems relating to my future mother-in-law and I'm not sure what to do.

Here's some background info:
She divorced my fiance's father when he was still young. She later got remarried and had a second child when my fiance was 20. He ended up being an abuser so they are now separated.

For the past 3 years I've known my fiance, she has always had a crisis. She is constantly asking him for money and whenever she has an emotional issue she calls him. She unloads all her problems on him and he doesn't stop her. Many times he has had to break plans with me to deal with her problems. She also hasn't held a job and has been living off government money, food stamps, and her mother's social security check. She has bounced from home to home, staying with friends and the last place was a trailer she bought.

When my fiance moved to another state, she followed him. She had no reason to go but she packed everything and moved the whole family across the country to be with him. She had no job prospects there, no place to live, and no car. When she got there, she stayed with a family my fiance knew when she had never met them before. When they got tired of her, my fiance paid to put her in a hotel until she could find a place to live. Mind you, he promised he wouldn't give her money anymore because we need to save up for our wedding. He told me he wasn't paying for her hotel but I found a receipt in the car. When I asked him he said it was only one night but he was clearly lying and eventually admitted it was for the whole week. He lied to me to give her money.

4 months after moving up there, she still has no job. She claimed she couldn't work because she was in school (only 2 days a week) and she needed to finish school in order to find a good job. She now says she is going to quit school and work. This makes no sense. She has said to me several times that she does not want to work, she just wants a man to support her.

She does so many irresponsible things without thinking of how it is going to affect those around her. I worry that she will continue not working and will expect my fiance to support her. She will have some sort of self-made crisis and she will end up on our doorstep, expecting to move the whole family in.

The problem is my fiance is in denial. He tells me what a self-sufficient woman she is and how she wants to work and support herself. For the past 3 years she hasn't and she has no plans to do this. He defends her no matter what and we are having the biggest fight because of it. We are on the verge of splitting and I don't know what to do.

The other problem with her is that she is vulgar, disrespectful, very immodest, and from what I've seen, an ill-fit mother. She should be working to provide for her child but she chooses not to. I have seen her tie him to the table so he can't run around because she can't control him. She also keeps him on a leash when she takes him out in public because again, she can't control him. He is 3 years old and can't really speak. He sometimes acts like a dog and will come up to you and sniff and bark instead of speaking. He has even gone so far as to eat out of the dog's bowls pretending to be the dog.

I do not want her around my children but my fiance says that if my mother can be around, his can. He also says that she raised him just fine.

I really am at a loss as to what to do. He says he won't support her but I know if she came to our door, he wouldn't turn her away. The other disturbing thing is that he sees no problem with her picking up and moving when he does. He is thinking about moving back to where I am and he said he didn't see a problem if she followed him again. Can you imagine? A woman in her late 40s is picking up and moving every time her son does and he sees nothing wrong with it. He just says that she's his mom and she loves him.

I think the lines between a son's job and a husband's job have blurred in both of their minds but when I bring up all these problems, he tells me I'm just insecure.

What do I do? I don't want to end things with him but their relationship is clearly unhealthy and I can't live with it forever.

She sounds like a narcissist, and your fiance, as her victim, is not able to see through it, and his connection to her, unless broken, only exacerbates the problem. Until he wises up to her, it's only going to continue and get worse. The problem is that it is usually a very difficult thing, and time consuming, to break it up.  I agree with the other posters here, you should vacate that relationship if he's unwilling to allow the circuмstances to change. He needs to grow up and realize that his mother is a parasite and that y'all cannot have a happy relationship together as long as she remains in the middle. He needs to make a choice, if he wants a family he's gonna have to cut momma off and let her do her own thing. Otherwise, it ain't gonna work.

Well we actually broke up so I guess this isn't really a problem anymore. Thanks for everyone's advice.