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Author Topic: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage  (Read 4145 times)

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Offline Ladislaus

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Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2017, 09:21:48 AM »
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  • I wasn't trying to "lecture" you ... just give you my take on your situation.  You seem to contradict yourself.  You say that your relationship in "everything else" is "great".  But then end with "How do I fix my marriage?"

    You state that your marriage is in need of "saving" and that you "fear the worst".  So, let me get this straight, you consider this a big marriage-threatening crisis because your husband can't indulge in a very specific sɛҳuąƖ activity that would be against Catholic moral teaching?  In that case, your relationship is already in deep trouble.  In a relationship that has the proper ORDER, your refusal to participate in this activity would constitute little more than an "aw, shucks" moment.  His affection for you, warmth for you, love for you, commitment to you, should not waiver in the face of something so trivial.  In fact, according to a lot of Catholic moral theologians, there's no grave sin so long as the sɛҳuąƖ activity finishes (for the man) naturally, in a way that's inherently open to procreation.  But due to this one minor restriction, your relationship is in trouble now?  Doesn't sound like everything is all that great.

    So what is it that you "fear"?  That he'll commit adultery (and find someone who will indulge his desires) if you don't comply?  That he'll get "cold" to you?  I can understand a certain amount of "frustration" if, for instance, you were not to have relations at all for considerable lengths of time.  But that your relationship would be at risk or in trouble because he can't indulge in this one very specific activity?  Sounds to me as if your relationship is already in deep trouble if you're worried about it now because of this.  You said this is "seriously hurting [your] sex life".  Really?  This one restriction seriously hurts your sex life.  Then your relationship is indeed troubled.

    And this isn't even necessarily a specifically-Catholic problem.  Many NON-Catholic women will refuse to indulge in certain types of sɛҳuąƖ activity simply because they find them naturally repugnant or gross.  So you could tell him that too ... to take the focus off your faith.

    Finally, you're asking how you could "support" him.  Support him in what?  His need to fulfill a very specific sɛҳuąƖ fantasy?

    Answer is, though, in the end, that there's no solution to your dilemma.  You CANNOT actively cooperate in this immoral activity.  And, honestly, if it means that you lose him, then you must lose him.  We put our faith and our morals above all else, including family relationships.  Our Lord said He came to "bring the sword" and to turn family members against one another.  And sometimes that's what must be.

    You can pray for him and offer sacrifices for him.  Pray a 54-day Rosary novena for your intentions in this regard.  You can talk to him to persuade him about the Catholic faith and morals.

    So you say, on the one hand that everything else in your relationship is great, but then you ask "How do I fix my marriage?"  That's a huge contradiction and doesn't make any sense.

    Offline Aspirin Annie

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #16 on: April 28, 2017, 12:21:54 PM »
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  • I don't usually weigh in, but I will this time.

    I am sorry EWallace. I do understand how you feel. My husband was a fallen away Catholic. I was always Southern Baptist and a few other things. We married in the Baptist church. He wished to return to the Catholic church. I eventually followed and even found the traditional mass years later. Hubby, however, does not go to any church now, and does not consider himself Catholic. I won't bother listing the many euphemisms he extols to such people.

    So, you see, I am in a similar situation being a Catholic with a "Baptist" or basically a non-believing husband. I got there through no fault of my own, he just changed somewhere along the way. Well, I did as well. Or I like to think I found myself and the faith I was looking for all along. Not that that matters. The point is, other people sometimes find themselves in similar circuмstances, not through any fault of their own. It is a cross we bear no matter how we got here. 

    And crosses are rarely, easily undone.

    And unfortunately, your situation is not likely to get better. Protestants, non-Catholics, agnostics, whatever they are - they are operating on a different playing field with a different level of equipment while facing the world. There is no way to "fix" such things unless he converts. All you can do is play out the deck you've been dealt (or in this case chosen) and do so by God's will (his will being doing according to what he has decreed is lawful and just and clear for you to do) and let the chips fall where they may. If that means your husband leaves, so be it. If he converts, you are truly blessed. If the status quo remains, you keep praying. I know that is stressful and hard to hear, but it is where you are at right now.

    Believe me. I know of what I speak. I have been doing this sort of thing for the past 15 or so years, ever since I first entered tradition. In fact, my husband once told me when I refused to go back to the Baptist church or take the kids there -  "I wish I had never taken you to that Catholic Church." And it was said very ugly and harsh and full of venom. We have argued about sex. We have argued about homeschooling the children. We have argued about money. We have argued about just about anything you can name, simply because my vision of life is Catholic and his is not. 

    And yes, we are still married. Some times are better and okay, others are not. I will say that even as Protestants, neither of us believed in divorce, so that is probably the biggest reason he is still in the marriage at the moment. To be honest, I remained many times because of my Catholic faith. Had I still been Protestant when some of these issues first surfaced, I would have found a reason to justify leaving. My perseverance in this marriage is truly due to God's grace. I have a college degree and worked for many years before I married. I could have easily walked out, taken the kids, got a lawyer, and gone back into the workforce. But I chose to stay. 

    I will close with another thought, and it is not any of my business I will grant you - however, I noticed you have been married for 3 years but you have no children. People, of course, do have trouble conceiving, and perhaps you go to a Novus Ordo church and I am aware that many Catholics there use natural family planning to avoid pregnancies. I am not trying to be harsh with you, but merely am wondering if this is yet another bone of contention? Does your husband embrace the Church's teaching on life? Do you? Being married, but avoiding a pregnancy, blankets your marriage with a sense of selfishness and creates another set of problems in opposition to God's plan for marriage.



    Offline EWallace

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #17 on: April 29, 2017, 02:53:42 PM »
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  • I don't usually weigh in, but I will this time.

    I am sorry EWallace. I do understand how you feel. My husband was a fallen away Catholic. I was always Southern Baptist and a few other things. We married in the Baptist church. He wished to return to the Catholic church. I eventually followed and even found the traditional mass years later. Hubby, however, does not go to any church now, and does not consider himself Catholic. I won't bother listing the many euphemisms he extols to such people.

    So, you see, I am in a similar situation being a Catholic with a "Baptist" or basically a non-believing husband. I got there through no fault of my own, he just changed somewhere along the way. Well, I did as well. Or I like to think I found myself and the faith I was looking for all along. Not that that matters. The point is, other people sometimes find themselves in similar circuмstances, not through any fault of their own. It is a cross we bear no matter how we got here.

    And crosses are rarely, easily undone.

    I will close with another thought, and it is not any of my business I will grant you - however, I noticed you have been married for 3 years but you have no children. People, of course, do have trouble conceiving, and perhaps you go to a Novus Ordo church and I am aware that many Catholics there use natural family planning to avoid pregnancies. I am not trying to be harsh with you, but merely am wondering if this is yet another bone of contention? Does your husband embrace the Church's teaching on life? Do you? Being married, but avoiding a pregnancy, blankets your marriage with a sense of selfishness and creates another set of problems in opposition to God's plan for marriage.
    First, let me just thank you very much for sharing your story with me. It helps me to know I am not alone.
    Second, I feel the need to clarify some things. I wrote my initial post after a long emotional conversation with my husband. He and I really do have a great relationship. We are still very close emotionally. He was venting his frustrations to me, which disturbed me greatly. He is not trying to change my mind or pressure me in any way. He knows and accepts that I will live by my faith no matter what. However, this issue truly scares me, because if it continues it could damage my marriage. I have no intention of shedding my cross or giving into his perverted desires. I simply wanted advice on how to best deal with this issue before it gets out of hand.
    We are using NFP (no contraception ever), but not to avoid pregnancy. i have found that there are numerous health benefits to tracking your fertility. And, lately we have been using it to actually achieve pregnancy. However, my job has me traveling often, so it hasn't been so easy.
    Again, thank you so much for sharing your story. i really appreciate it.

    Offline Pax Vobis

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #18 on: April 29, 2017, 09:32:44 PM »
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  • Quote
    However, my job has me traveling often, so it hasn't been so easy.
    Both spouses working causes way more marital friction than people want to admit.  You can't have it all.  Add to this equation the additional stress of traveling and bingo! you'll have marriage problems.  If you continue both working after you have kids, your marriage will suffer greatly.  Might as well start thinking about this now.

    Offline Nadir

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #19 on: April 29, 2017, 10:21:31 PM »
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  • Have you considered that it could be your working life and the stresses of travelling for it that are preventing you from becoming pregnant? I know that is not the presenting problem here, but it could be an important factor. Three years of married life is a long time in which to achieve a pregnancy. 
    Help of Christians, guard our land from assault or inward stain,
    Let it be what God has planned, His new Eden where You reign.

    +RIP 2024


    Offline MaterDominici

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #20 on: April 30, 2017, 02:08:43 AM »
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  • In fact, his demands show evidence of past problems with pornography. 
    I'm surprised this wasn't mentioned more than once. Pornography ruins marriages and if this is a factor in your situation (past or present) your husband needs to acknowledge it in order to have a normal marital relationship.

    Online nctradcath

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #21 on: April 30, 2017, 07:01:02 AM »
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  • It poisons the mind and causes impotence. For a man to heal, he would need to abstain totally from viewing such filth for the rest of his life.

    Offline Geremia

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #22 on: May 14, 2017, 04:58:50 PM »
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  • We have argued about just about anything you can name, simply because my vision of life is Catholic and his is not.
    Are you sure that's why? If your "vision of life is [truly] Catholic," how would "argu[ing] about just about anything you can name"  correspond with that "vision"?
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    Offline Geremia

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #23 on: May 14, 2017, 05:04:35 PM »
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  • With that in mind, no one here would recommend Theology of the Body.  In fact, if your husband did take Theology of the Body classes, I would suspect that it would make matters worse, and probably give him ammunition to try to tell you that his deviant desires are actually approved by ToB.
    Yes, "theology of the body" is not Catholic (cf. this thread and at least §3 on ToB of this article).
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    Offline Geremia

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #24 on: May 14, 2017, 05:06:04 PM »
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  • He wishes that we could engage in sɛҳuąƖ relations that did not result in his climaxing outside what is acceptable.
    Have you asked him why he doesn't want children? Such actions/beliefs show he wants to avoid children.
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    Offline Aspirin Annie

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #25 on: May 16, 2017, 09:28:41 AM »
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  • Are you sure that's why? If your "vision of life is [truly] Catholic," how would "argu[ing] about just about anything you can name"  correspond with that "vision"?
    So you are saying I shouldn't argue because I am a Catholic? 



    Offline Geremia

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    Re: Need advice about sɛҳuąƖ intimacy within marriage
    « Reply #26 on: May 17, 2017, 03:24:32 PM »
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  • So you are saying I shouldn't argue because I am a Catholic?
    Being Catholic gives you a license to argue?
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