So as some of you may or may not know, I went on vacation for 3 weeks at the behest of my mother. I had no access to the Traditional Mass, nor any Sacraments, even if I have had access to the N.O. Mass and Sacraments. During this vacation I was also scandalized in so many different ways by my family members, and especially so by mother. I don't even want to repeat what I witnessed there.
What's really got me in a rut, however, is the fact that during the trip I stumbled. I tried with all my might to resist my old habits but the continuous mental beat-down of temptation got the better of me and I thus panicked and gave in to it. What a dark day of regret that has led me down an even darker past thus far... How depressing it is to feel like no matter how much you pray the temptation only seems to get worse when you have no means of attaining grace. Now I am stuck in a state of mortal sin that I have problems getting rid of.
You see, the thing is: Before the vacation I tried to adequately prepare myself with religious books and the like so that I wouldn't cave in to this kind of thing. I downloaded articles from tradition in action to read over the 3 weeks so I wouldn't find myself being idle but those have brought me to a dark place. You see, articles over there have gotten me to realize that I have the habit of dressing rather casually to go to Mass. Obviously I now realize how unacceptable that is but it's something that's not that easy to give up.
Because of my silent nature, I really don't like talking to people too much. Being 17 and standing in a bus station, waiting for a bus near the mall to go to Church is bound to draw attention, especially considering the fact that I am not seen wearing suits often. Every week I go to Church I find that I keep running into people that I DO NOT want to talk to but they consider me as a friend because I was still a crypto-modernist when I met them. I feel bad about going to Church in clothes that aren't my best simply because I don't want to be seen on the bus and noticed by those who know me. This is what holds me back from confessing. I don't think that even if I confessed that I would really try to fix the problem.. Which is why I haven't confessed.
The fact that I have to take the bus and cannot be driven to Mass is what is really bothering me. Not too long ago you would have heard me saying: "I would die for Christ" and yet I don't even want to dress specially for Mass for fear of being seen. How quaint a contradiction. I've made excuses to myself for not wearing suits like "It's too tight and therefore immodest so I can't wear it." but only before realizing how violently dishonest I was being.
I'm really not sure of what I should do. I find it to be embarrassing that I should even be having a problem considering how far I've come...