Author Topic: Arranged Marriage (Read 4117 times)

Vladimir · « **on:** February 26, 2012, 10:32:10 PM »

Is it compatible with the idea of Catholic marriage to have one's parents or relatives arrange a marriage for oneself with someone that one has never met (and will never meet) before the wedding?

Emerentiana · « **Reply #1 on:** February 26, 2012, 10:55:05 PM »

Not according to our modernist ways.
Years ago, marriages were arranged. Couples were mostly happy. Maybe it was because they didnt know better.
My brother in law and sisterinlaw had a semi arranged marriage. It was kind of a "match maker" arrangement. They met, and 2 weeks laterthey were married, and lived happily for almost fifty years. The wife died first and 2 months later the husband died.

People (even trads) wouldnt put up with this "arranging" in the western world today. It is still done in some countries.

Maizar · « **Reply #2 on:** February 26, 2012, 11:01:17 PM »

I don't know the true answer but it reminded me of Chesterton:

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I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible. G. K. Chesterton (What Is Wrong With The World)

And he is right. It probably doesn't matter for the married couple: the statistical probability of divorce is unchanged, or even less with arranged marriages. Of course, the shot-gun is more likely to be loaded in the latter.

But generally Chesterton was against "people breeding" which is what arranged marriages are really about: eugenics. The parents are interested in seeing grandchildren that they can consider desirable, and whilst 'religion' can be considered a trait worth favoring, inevitably people will have lesser ends. Do parents have the authority to tell their adult children who they are going to be having their matrimonial sacrament with? It is a freely given and accepted one, or it is null, as are all the other sacraments. The Church also does not marry children. One could argue that an arranged marriage could be used as grounds for annulment, if it were convenient.

Telesphorus · « **Reply #3 on:** February 26, 2012, 11:48:09 PM »

Quote from: Emerentiana

Not according to our modernist ways.
Years ago, marriages were arranged. Couples were mostly happy. Maybe it was because they didnt know better.

It's important to understand that in our Catholic religion, unlike among the Protestants, Eastern Orthodox, Muslims, and Eastern pagans, marriage, marriages are determined by the free consent of the espoused. There are plenty of horror stories of arranged marriages, of parents vetoing marriages and then arranging absolutely awful matches. Just talk to some Iranian people sometime. And in Catholicism, marriage there is no divorce. Unlike in Protestantism, Eastern Orthodoxy, Islam, and among the eastern pagans, there's no divorce. Catholicism has always insisted on the natural rights of children to marry who they want.

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My brother in law and sisterinlaw had a semi arranged marriage. It was kind of a "match maker" arrangement. They met, and 2 weeks laterthey were married, and lived happily for almost fifty years. The wife died first and 2 months later the husband died.

That's not really an "arranged marriage." Was it a contract between families?

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People (even trads) wouldnt put up with this "arranging" in the western world today. It is still done in some countries.

I'm sure some would, provided it was done according to Catholic principles, which recognize that the choice of whom one marries is determined by oneself, not by others.

spouse of Jesus · « **Reply #4 on:** February 27, 2012, 03:33:29 AM »

Having a matchmaker is different from being ''forced'' into marriage. Suppose that a boy tells his parents that he desires a wife with such and such characteristics. Then parents tell a matchmaker about it and he/she gives the parents the addresses of where suchlike girls live, and arranges a meeting or a party in which the two families and the boy and the girl can see each other. If both agree to marriage then they marry, if not they try another.
The above practice is the most prevalent though both modern love marriages and forced marriages happen too.

sedetrad · « **Reply #5 on:** February 27, 2012, 08:46:48 AM »

I wouldn't see a problem with an arranged marriage as long as it was known that that either party can opt out at any time prior to the marriage.

spouse of Jesus · « **Reply #6 on:** February 27, 2012, 10:16:41 AM »

Every practice has an idea behind it. The idea behind what sedetrad describes (which is the best form IMO) is that marriage is for the society, not just the individual. So the interests of the society should be kept in mind. It is why arranged marriages are common in east Asia which has a highly collectivist community-based culture even more collectivist than the south Asia.
Arranged marriage is effective in preserving the community's values. It is why it doesn't look good to westerners. (unless they are Italians or Spanish and wonderfully similar to Asians!). The ''me and my rights, and hell with the others" way of thinking is what leads to free-love and quick marriage-quick divorce. So between the two extremes this idea is good because it keep everyone in mind:

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I wouldn't see a problem with an arranged marriage as long as it was known that that either party can opt out at any time prior to the marriage.

copticruiser · « **Reply #7 on:** February 28, 2012, 12:47:21 AM »

ARRANGED MARRIAGE

My Italian grandma was in major love with this Egyptian man. Then she found out that she was to be arranged marriage by her Catholic Italian parents. She did meet her future spouse but did not like him and found him unattractive. So before the date of the marriage the man she was in love with was suppose to steal her away and live either in another town or country.

Well my grandma chickened out and obeyed her parents and married my grandpa. It didnt stop there though cause for many years they secretly sent letters to each other and she would cry over him. It wasnt until her conscience kicked in and she had a chat with the priest that she had to end it.

The man she was to runaway with (Tealo) died some years later so it seems she wouldnt of had a long life with him anyways.

The marriage to my grandpa was ok. They raised 5 kids and my grandpa spoiled her as much as he could working two jobs. They didnt seem to show an outward sign of affection but whatever they had was enough to raise a family and attend church. Unfortuantly my grandma went from catholic to coptic orthodox and ironically me her grandaughter has gone back to catholism (traditional ukrainian)

My grandma always kept the rosary though. Anyhow I have mixed feelings to how her life unfolded it is a very strong contrast to our freedoms and society.

My thoughts

Your friendly canadian :farmer:

Telesphorus · « **Reply #8 on:** February 28, 2012, 02:38:12 AM »

Quote from: copticruiser

ARRANGED MARRIAGE

My Italian grandma was in major love with this Egyptian man. Then she found out that she was to be arranged marriage by her Catholic Italian parents. She did meet her future spouse but did not like him and found him unattractive. So before the date of the marriage the man she was in love with was suppose to steal her away and live either in another town or country.

Well my grandma chickened out and obeyed her parents and married my grandpa. It didnt stop there though cause for many years they secretly sent letters to each other and she would cry over him. It wasnt until her conscience kicked in and she had a chat with the priest that she had to end it.

The man she was to runaway with (Tealo) died some years later so it seems she wouldnt of had a long life with him anyways.

The marriage to my grandpa was ok. They raised 5 kids and my grandpa spoiled her as much as he could working two jobs. They didnt seem to show an outward sign of affection but whatever they had was enough to raise a family and attend church. Unfortuantly my grandma went from catholic to coptic orthodox and ironically me her grandaughter has gone back to catholism (traditional ukrainian)

My grandma always kept the rosary though. Anyhow I have mixed feelings to how her life unfolded it is a very strong contrast to our freedoms and society.

My thoughts

Your friendly canadian :farmer:

It shows that parents who attempt to impose their will on their children over manners that are not theirs to impose cause much temptation and unhappiness.

spouse of Jesus · « **Reply #9 on:** February 28, 2012, 09:09:22 AM »

I agree that no one has a right to force us into marriage, but how is it that many ''major loves'' disappear two week after marriage?

Telesphorus · « **Reply #10 on:** February 28, 2012, 09:39:43 AM »

Quote from: spouse of Jesus

I agree that no one has a right to force us into marriage, but how is it that many ''major loves'' disappear two week after marriage?

It's a good question. I suppose if one is motivated heavily by lust or finds out that someone is not who they thought they were they might easily tire of someone or be disgusted by them.

SouthernBelle · « **Reply #11 on:** March 01, 2012, 03:20:09 PM »

Quote from: Vladimir

Is it compatible with the idea of Catholic marriage to have one's parents or relatives arrange a marriage for oneself with someone that one has never met (and will never meet) before the wedding?

Obviously it must be compatible, to some degree at least, because history provides instances of many arranged marriages between Catholics with no objection from the Church. The most notable examples are between royal families.

Whether it is ideal or even desirable is another question.