The "Eighth Sacrament"
The Holy Spirit Heals Us Through the Annulment Process
by Lisa Duffy
Divorced Catholic newsletter
April 2008
http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs030/1101933755279/archive/1102065106776.htmlAfter a divorce, there is much healing to do. There are so many people whose marriages have been destroyed and their faith in the institution of marriage, other people, and God visibly shaken. Husbands and wives, children and extended families, even friends, all suffer from witnessing the demise of a marriage.
But truth be told, the need for healing doesn't stop there. Families are the fabric of our society and when families are torn apart, our society suffers, as does the Church - the Body of Christ. The hurt that is caused reaches far beyond the spouses who are going their separate ways. It is no wonder God said, "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16).
Contrary to what many people believe, the Catholic Church longs to embrace and heal her members and bring the peace and joy of Christ back into their broken lives. One of the ways the Church extends this healing to us is in the annulment process. Now, just the very mention of the word "annulment" begins a heated debate among many, particularly because there is a severe lack of understanding about what an "annulment" actually is and why the Church conducts the process as it does. If you polled divorced Catholics who have gone through the annulment process, you would find many and varied answers ranging from indignation and disappointment to joy and enthusiasm. But despite those who cite negative experiences, there are many Catholics who refer to the annulment process as the "eighth sacrament." Why? Because of its powerful healing nature, but more so, because it is an opportunity for the Holy Spirit to work in our hearts.
Many divorced Catholics today have somewhat of an "entitlement" attitude when it comes to getting an annulment. It's almost as if the Catholic Church owes them a "green light" so-to-speak, to get married again and they perceive the annulment process to be a bothersome and intrusive procedure that simply gets in the way of their plans. What is surprising and unfortunate about this type of attitude, is the fact that their first marriage failed - for a variety of reasons, but most likely due to an extreme lack of preparation for marriage - and yet, despite all the pain they've suffered because of their divorce, they insist on committing themselves to another relationship without even giving a thought to the necessity of properly and completely healing from their divorce or preparing for a new marriage. With the divorce rate for second marriages being higher than the divorce rate for first marriages, it's imperative that we, as Catholics, begin understanding what the annulment process is truly about.
For the purposes of this article I can briefly describe the process in this way:
The annulment process is the procedure the Catholic Tribunal uses to determine whether or not a sacramental bond took place between God, the bride, and the groom on the day of the wedding. At the end of this painstaking process, the Tribunal declares one of two things: that either a sacramental bond did indeed take place and the two spouses are bound to each other til death do us part . . . or, no sacramental bond took place on the day of the wedding and the "spouses" are not bound to each other until death. In the latter case, the Tribunal issues a "declaration of nullity" or "annulment," as it is more commonly referred to.
Simply stated, there is no "dissolving" or "annulling" a marriage by the Church, because that would be contrary to the teaching of Christ. The annulment process, is simply an investigation into the couple's relationship, a determination of whether or not a sacramental bond took place, and a declaration that states whether or not the couple is still bound to each other or not.
In my own experience, I was somewhat leery of initiating the annulment process after my own divorce in 1994. I wanted to remarry some day, but I had heard different negative things about the process and was cautious, to say the least. I discussed my situation with my pastor and gained some understanding, and although it wasn't entirely clear yet, I knew more clarity would come as I actually took each of the steps necessary. So I initiated the process and within a few weeks, was sent my questionnaire to fill out. 110 questions!! Were the questions intensely personal? You bet. When I received the questionnaire in the mail and read it for the first time, I had to put it away for a week before I could bring myself to look at it again. And when I did, I found the questions dredged up incredible pain and highly uncomfortable memories and feelings - so much so that I would cry for hours after answering questions. I would take about 10 questions at a time and actually had to schedule time to be upset just so I could get through it all.
Was I angry about this? Did I feel the Church was sticking it's nose where it didn't belong? No. These questions opened my eyes to exactly how ill-prepared we both had been for marriage, but even more, how obvious it must have been to others that the "love" my ex-spouse and I claimed to have for each other was merely an entanglement of emotions with no solid foundation. When I took the time to answer questions and then had at least a week before the next round, I did a lot of work on my interior self. Through the Holy Spirit's gentle grace, I began to accept what had happened without anger and open myself to the possibility of forgiving my ex-spouse. More importantly, I began to recognize the things I needed to change about myself before I would be ready to give myself to someone else in marriage again. With the Holy Spirit as my guide, these aspects of the process brought me tremendous hope and healing.
There was another factor through which the Holy Spirit brought me hope and growth, and that was in realizing that the final verdict this process would render - whether or not I would be free to marry or remain bound to my ex-spouse - was out of my control. It was entirely up to the Tribunal and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and no matter how much I may have wanted to re-marry, I would simply have to wait for their decision. And for me (being the control-freak that I am) the thought of having to wait without having any control over the decision could have been mental torment! But I had come much closer to God during the months it took me to complete my questionnaire, and I realized something critical. . . I had gotten married once already and it was completely on my terms. I had done it my way, and it was a disaster! This time, if I was given another chance at marriage, I didn't want it to be a disaster as well. I didn't want to make the same mistakes. I wanted God to show me the way to happiness since I hadn't included Him the first time. I felt I would never be able to survive another divorce, so it had to be different the next time - if there was one. So when I turned in all the paperwork and had only time to wait, I prayed every day, "Lord, I want what You want. Whatever the verdict is, I will be happy, because I know You are in charge." This was not easy to say the first several times, but it became my act of love for God, and eventually, I grew to love saying this little prayer.
Some months later, I received a letter from my diocese stating the decision in the first instance - that my marriage was never a sacramental bond. However, according to the letter, I still was not free to marry until I received a second letter after the case had been reviewed by the Archdiocese. I finally did receive this second letter stating that I was free to marry in the Church and it arrived in my mailbox 4 years to the day my ex-husband had walked out.
Many years later, after I was happily remarried with 3 beautiful children, I had to pull these docuмents out for legal reasons. I looked at the two letters again and then something important caught my eye. . . the first letter - stating I was free to marry - was dated June 17, 1997. I was filled with incredulousness as I ran upstairs to show my husband, because June 17th is now our wedding anniversary. These were just little reminders to me that, yes, the Holy Spirit was in charge the whole time.
I pray that this significance of the work of the Holy Spirit, whether through the seven sacraments of the Church, or through this beautiful "eighth sacrament" will not be taken for granted by those who truly need His grace.
Topic: Annulment is "the Eighth Sacrament" (Read 1871 times)