My daughter had said she wanted to be a K-9 Cop.  I was briefly relieved that she'd have to wait until she was 21 to join the police academy.  Today however she said she was thinking about joining the Marines.  

I'm so sorry.

I'm just devastated.  I told her I loved her, that I'd always love her, that I didn't think this was the right thing to do ... I've tried to talk to her in the past about being a cop ... for many of the same reasons.  I don't believe it's God's will for women to be in positions of fighting and protecting others, unless it's in self-defense (like the women in the pioneer days, for example).

My H told me that it was her decision and that since I've expressed myself, that now it's time to be supportive of her and support her decision.  He said it's about unconditional love.

That's crazy.


 

That loving someone unconditionally means that you may not agree with their choices but that you support them and their choices.  He also said that it's my opinion that this isn't a good idea and that's it's not our right or place to saying anything more about this or to try to talk her out of it.

I thought that maybe, just once, if her father spoke to her directly about how he didn't want to see her making this decision, she would possibly be moved by his action, that she'd reconsider this.

Two years ago, her brother was thinking about this.  I wasn't as upset, although I didn't want him to join .. and ultimately, due to the current admininstration, he decided against it.  But who knows.  He's having trouble finding employment and he might end up joining as well.

My H accused me of taking this personally and that if a "person's" decision is not in line with my opinion, than I'm not loving them.

So, we're not in agreement here.  I don't perceive this as being about me.  I perceive this as being a failure to raise our daughter in an environment which made gender roles very clear.  That our daughter does not value being a woman....and that's my fault, and her father's fault.  She's been a "tomboy" since toddlerhood ... playing with her brother night and day.  

My H said we had our chance to make our views known and she's thinking about acting in opposition to them.  He's point is that it's too late now.  

Has anyone else had this happen and had any conflicted feelings about it?  Is it too late?  Isn't there something "wrong" with a young, innocent girl joining the Marines?  

And mostly: what does it look like to unconditionally love someone and their choices?  Am I supposed to become a cheerleader for women in the military?

I need help.

It's not too late to express your opposition in the strongest possible terms.  Mrs. Z, I think you're seeing the result of being too socially isolated, unfortunately.  This is the worst sort of rebellious act.  

I bet if your daughter was planning to marry and have a family she would be getting less support.  Crazy world!

My thoughts ...

It's possible that parents can do everything "right" and their child will still act in a way contrary to how they were raised to act and and/or believe. This is called free will, and you're not the first parent to realize that a child will exercise it.

The difficult part is learning to walk that tightrope between disapproving of her choice, but respecting that as an adult she has the right to make it.

This doesn't mean that you must support her unconditionally. There's a big difference between choosing to love someone, and liking/approving of what they do. You can certainly express your views and concerns, while also acknowledging that you realize the choice is your daughter's to make. I've done this many times with my young adult children over the years. I usually start the conversation by saying, "I realize that you have the right to make this decision with or without my approval, but I'd like to tell you why I'm concerned ..."  

Acknowledging that I know that they don't need my "permission" to do something usually allows them to let their guard down a bit, often enough to actually listen to my concerns. I learned this technique from my husband, who, as a career military officer, mentored many young soldiers over the years. Often, young adults are not necessarily wanting to make a particular decision, but just need the acknowledgement and affirmation that the decision is theirs to make.

Your husband is right in the sense that you have had a chance to make your views known. I doubt that your daughter is confused over your opinion about women in the military. But it's also possible that she's just tossing this out as a challenge, trying to gauge your reaction.

Perhaps researching the effects of the depleted uranium used in most of the munitions now would dissuade your daughter from enlisting. Breathing even a small amount reduces one's life expectancy by decades.

My daughter wants me to somehow just say "Gee, that's great honey!"  She knows and has known what I believe and crazy as it sounds her father and brother have been vocal about their opinion about women as cops, in the military...even about the altarGIRLS, etc.  

That's what makes this even weirder because she is blatantly not just rebelling against ME personally, but even against her father, and her brother's opinions about this.  And she admires them and obviously wants to be like them in every way.  I don't understand this but it makes me think that she's even more confused and damaged than I first suspected.

I take almost all the blame for this because even though I say I believe in wifely submission, that I believe in all things traditional, that I believe in Jesus Christ and the Catholic Church...my actions have not been in line with  all that all these years.  

I've taken a legalistic approach and I've got some kind of problem with talking too much (nowadays I'm reading that it's a symptom of ADD...who knows) and being very opinionated and controlling and domineering.. and guess what?  It's just the recipe for fostering a confused, unhappy girl who doesn't fit in with other girls and is trying to find a place to "fit in."

This isolated life we've lived has been terrible for me and for my daughter.  I have been depressed for years because of it and because of deaths in my family and not having friends .. .no one else homeschools here...it's all school and sports.  The local parish is full of families where the mother works, sends her kids to public school, is involved in sports ..all girls our daughter knows from youth group are planning on going to college to major in big deal degrees like "environmental biology" or law.

After my response and all this useless talking we did yesterday, I expressed my opinion again, to no avail.  My daughter told me that she didn't want to hurt me, she knew what I thought (how could she not?), but she doesn't see joining the marines or police force as a moral issue.  She says that she values the concept of being a wife and mother, but that she's too young to consider that now, and that this is what she wants to focus on at this time.  She said that if/when she gets married, she would want to stay home to raise her children.  

I have tried and tried and tried to reason with her...about the bad aspects of being in that environment, about the increasing masculinization of her aspect and demeanor, about the diminishment of opportunity for her to marry at all, for wasting her 20's.  To no avail.

And now I  have no support from my H.  He doesn't want her to do this, but he's taking the line that she's old enough to make her own decisions now and that we have to support her.  He thinks that we can't do much more about it because she KNOWS our opinion on the matter and is choosing to act in opposition to that.

And the thing is, it's not JUST AN OPINION to me. I didn't make this stuff up!  But what I think is that because I was legalistic, because I kept failing to act in faith and trust and be a feminine (i.e., submissive, cheerful, happy wife) all these years...it doesn't matter what I SAID.  

I've been unhappy because a) I'm melancholic by temperament, b) I've been isolated from the remainder of my family for a decade, c) I've been isolated from friendship and fellowship for as long d) We've lived in a TINY town that has nothing to do and nowhere to go, we have to drive an hour to a larger populated area for shopping and other things, e) my parents died in tragic ways, I have no siblings...and f) while I "believe" in being Christian...it's mostly been an intellectual, legalist assent to the teachings, i.e., the "rules" of the Faith instead of a heart and soul change.

I have failed my family, myself and most especially my God, whom I should love above all things.  I have driven my daughter into rebellion against God, against her gender and against her family and against herself.

The despair I feel is unbearable.  The fact that there's nothing I can SAY now that will change things.  The fact that it was WORDS in fact that helped caused this rift ... that I have depended on MYSELF instead of GOD, that I have labored in the lie of legalism over the truth of Charity...........what  a horrible way to learn the lesson of pride and it's murderous effects.

The bottom line here and maybe what we're all thinking: I'm terrified that the next thing after this decision is: "Mom I'm a lesbian."  

I need to talk to someone...I need to talk to a Catholic psychiatrist or something. Does anyone know how I can go about finding such a person?  I'm going to see about contacting our local priest for a referral.  I am absolutely torn apart by this and I realize that more than anything, right now it's me that has a serious, horrible problem .

Please would you be kind enough to pray for me and my family?

MrsZ, I'll pray for your family. Let us hope that your daughter quickly realizes what a mistake she's making. I think it's unlikely that further arguments will change anything. Ask St. Monica for intercession - if nothing else she will help teach you patience and submission.

Asking a Traditional priest would be a good idea.

Mrs. Z, your husband's support for your daughter on this is mind-boggling.

There's no use complaining and nagging fruitlessly, but you should entreat her earnestly, and find others to do the same.