My daughter wants me to somehow just say "Gee, that's great honey!" She knows and has known what I believe and crazy as it sounds her father and brother have been vocal about their opinion about women as cops, in the military...even about the altarGIRLS, etc.
That's what makes this even weirder because she is blatantly not just rebelling against ME personally, but even against her father, and her brother's opinions about this. And she admires them and obviously wants to be like them in every way. I don't understand this but it makes me think that she's even more confused and damaged than I first suspected.
I take almost all the blame for this because even though I say I believe in wifely submission, that I believe in all things traditional, that I believe in Jesus Christ and the Catholic Church...my actions have not been in line with all that all these years.
I've taken a legalistic approach and I've got some kind of problem with talking too much (nowadays I'm reading that it's a symptom of ADD...who knows) and being very opinionated and controlling and domineering.. and guess what? It's just the recipe for fostering a confused, unhappy girl who doesn't fit in with other girls and is trying to find a place to "fit in."
This isolated life we've lived has been terrible for me and for my daughter. I have been depressed for years because of it and because of deaths in my family and not having friends .. .no one else homeschools here...it's all school and sports. The local parish is full of families where the mother works, sends her kids to public school, is involved in sports ..all girls our daughter knows from youth group are planning on going to college to major in big deal degrees like "environmental biology" or law.
After my response and all this useless talking we did yesterday, I expressed my opinion again, to no avail. My daughter told me that she didn't want to hurt me, she knew what I thought (how could she not?), but she doesn't see joining the marines or police force as a moral issue. She says that she values the concept of being a wife and mother, but that she's too young to consider that now, and that this is what she wants to focus on at this time. She said that if/when she gets married, she would want to stay home to raise her children.
I have tried and tried and tried to reason with her...about the bad aspects of being in that environment, about the increasing masculinization of her aspect and demeanor, about the diminishment of opportunity for her to marry at all, for wasting her 20's. To no avail.
And now I have no support from my H. He doesn't want her to do this, but he's taking the line that she's old enough to make her own decisions now and that we have to support her. He thinks that we can't do much more about it because she KNOWS our opinion on the matter and is choosing to act in opposition to that.
And the thing is, it's not JUST AN OPINION to me. I didn't make this stuff up! But what I think is that because I was legalistic, because I kept failing to act in faith and trust and be a feminine (i.e., submissive, cheerful, happy wife) all these years...it doesn't matter what I SAID.
I've been unhappy because a) I'm melancholic by temperament, b) I've been isolated from the remainder of my family for a decade, c) I've been isolated from friendship and fellowship for as long d) We've lived in a TINY town that has nothing to do and nowhere to go, we have to drive an hour to a larger populated area for shopping and other things, e) my parents died in tragic ways, I have no siblings...and f) while I "believe" in being Christian...it's mostly been an intellectual, legalist assent to the teachings, i.e., the "rules" of the Faith instead of a heart and soul change.
I have failed my family, myself and most especially my God, whom I should love above all things. I have driven my daughter into rêbêllïon against God, against her gender and against her family and against herself.
The despair I feel is unbearable. The fact that there's nothing I can SAY now that will change things. The fact that it was WORDS in fact that helped caused this rift ... that I have depended on MYSELF instead of GOD, that I have labored in the lie of legalism over the truth of Charity...........what a horrible way to learn the lesson of pride and it's murderous effects.
The bottom line here and maybe what we're all thinking: I'm terrified that the next thing after this decision is: "Mom I'm a lesbian."
I need to talk to someone...I need to talk to a Catholic psychiatrist or something. Does anyone know how I can go about finding such a person? I'm going to see about contacting our local priest for a referral. I am absolutely torn apart by this and I realize that more than anything, right now it's me that has a serious, horrible problem .
Please would you be kind enough to pray for me and my family?