Author Topic: Young WidowWidower (Read 2365 times)

Änσnymσus · « **on:** June 13, 2015, 06:00:36 AM »

Someone at my chapel is, tragically, facing this situation, which is why I am posting this anonymously. If a young mother or father loses their spouse, do you think it better that the person remains unmarried, as St. Paul admonishes, or is it better for the young widow or widower to remarry so that the young children have two parents while growing up?

Tiffany · « **Reply #1 on:** June 13, 2015, 10:18:26 AM »

It's not something that can be answered on a message board. I know of a girl who worked as a helper for a couple whose wife was dying of cancer. After the wife's death the widower married the girl. She was 18 when they married and although she was close with the children and had cared for them, it was a stressful transition to having all 3 as a mother to them, especially the oldest one.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #2 on:** June 13, 2015, 10:59:29 AM »

I would say it's absolutely better to remarry, PROVIDED that the prospective spouse is of solid faith, will accept their adopted children as their very own, and the widow(er) is emotionally ready for a new spouse. The kids I've known who lost a parent to widowhood show more or less the same defects as those from a separation, because of the loss of a role example. That is, except for the problems relating to implicit rejection which comes from a separation.

It's probably even better if they are both widowed. I think the common experience would bring a great deal of strength to the marriage.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #3 on:** June 13, 2015, 11:31:49 AM »

It's pretty rare that step parents and step children get along.. so I'd say often it's a delusion when folks are marrying 'for the sake of the children'.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #4 on:** June 13, 2015, 12:26:43 PM »

That's true in society at large, but I've seen some exemplary families with children who love and truly appreciate the step-parent. They were solidly Catholic families of course, and not those where either looked the the other's children as "baggage", but gifts from God to be nurtured.

It's like adopted children. Where the adoptive parents see them no differently than their biological kids, things go well. If they do it for other reasons, like for "home relief" money, the kids may hate them and turn out rotten. (anecdotal history from my own family during the Depression)

Matthew · « **Reply #5 on:** June 13, 2015, 03:24:17 PM »

Quote from: Guest

It's pretty rare that step parents and step children get along.. so I'd say often it's a delusion when folks are marrying 'for the sake of the children'.

How many stepparent/stepchild relationships do you know of where a divorce isn't involved? In other words, how many of those "second marriages" were legitimate?

Let's put it this way: the best thing "for the children" is to put in a heroic effort to get along with your spouse and stay together. But this doesn't apply in the case of the death of one of the spouses.

I think your observation might hold some truth, but it's probably coming from anecdotal evidence from X number of WORLDLY (non-Catholic) families.

As someone pointed out, there is an implicit rejection involved in divorce. Not just the spouse, but the children you had with that spouse. It's hard to believe your dad truly loves you, when he left your mom for another woman. After all, a child is 50% each parent.

When the father/mother of the stepchildren is still living, there is a potential rivalry or jealousy element. They represent your new husband/wife's previous relationship -- a relationship that you'd rather not think too much about.

It's different when that previous spouse has passed on to the next life. No one is jealous of a dead person. There is a fundamental difference.

Tiffany · « **Reply #6 on:** June 13, 2015, 03:32:22 PM »

Nobody is "jealous" of a dead person, but being the spouse of a widow/widower brings another set of challenges not there when it's a first marriage for both.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #7 on:** June 13, 2015, 09:50:26 PM »

Quote from: Matthew

No one is jealous of a dead person.

No sane person is jealous of a dead person. My aunt is a widow and she got mixed up with some fruitcake who smooth talked her into marrying him. The man was so insanely jealous of my dead uncle that he demanded that every picture of him be removed from the house and his name was never again to be mentioned. She later "divorced" him after finding out she was his 6th wife.
Someone mentioned earlier in the thread that the widow should marry again provided that she was ready to marry again. That's sound advice. My aunt was not ready, she was still distraught and reeling from loneliness, and it made her blind to what a psycho he was.

poche · « **Reply #8 on:** June 14, 2015, 11:10:52 PM »

Quote from: Guest

It's pretty rare that step parents and step children get along.. so I'd say often it's a delusion when folks are marrying 'for the sake of the children'.

It would e better to "marry for teh sake of the children" if by marry it is instead of living together in sin.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #9 on:** June 16, 2015, 08:34:38 AM »

Quote from: poche

Quote from: Guest
It's pretty rare that step parents and step children get along.. so I'd say often it's a delusion when folks are marrying 'for the sake of the children'.

It would e better to "marry for teh sake of the children" if by marry it is instead of living together in sin.

Who suggested that anyone would be living in sin, or that anyone was even considering it? The choices were to remain a widow(er), unmarried and a single parent, or to remarry for the sake of the children. Committing fornication or shacking up was never considered or mentioned.

What is wrong with you?

Matthew · « **Reply #10 on:** June 16, 2015, 12:19:32 PM »

Quote from: Guest

Quote from: poche
Quote from: Guest
It's pretty rare that step parents and step children get along.. so I'd say often it's a delusion when folks are marrying 'for the sake of the children'.

It would e better to "marry for teh sake of the children" if by marry it is instead of living together in sin.

Who suggested that anyone would be living in sin, or that anyone was even considering it? The choices were to remain a widow(er), unmarried and a single parent, or to remarry for the sake of the children. Committing fornication or shacking up was never considered or mentioned.

What is wrong with you?

I can answer that --

He hangs around Novus Ordo Catholics a bit too much. In that crowd, shacking up is not as uncommon as it should be...

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #11 on:** June 16, 2015, 04:33:44 PM »

Why even ask? It sounds like gossip or meddling to me.

It's up to the widow/er to decided if and when s/he is ever ready to get married again.

Jaynek · « **Reply #12 on:** June 16, 2015, 06:00:39 PM »

Quote from: Guest

Someone at my chapel is, tragically, facing this situation, which is why I am posting this anonymously. If a young mother or father loses their spouse, do you think it better that the person remains unmarried, as St. Paul admonishes, or is it better for the young widow or widower to remarry so that the young children have two parents while growing up?

St. Paul did not admonish them to be unmarried. This is what he said:

Quote

But I say to the unmarried, and to the widows: It is good for them if they so continue, even as I. But if they do not contain themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to be burnt.

(ICorinthians 7:8,9)

According to St. Paul, people are free to remarry or not, even if there are no children involved.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #13 on:** June 16, 2015, 08:11:47 PM »

Quote from: Jaynek

Quote from: Guest
Someone at my chapel is, tragically, facing this situation, which is why I am posting this anonymously. If a young mother or father loses their spouse, do you think it better that the person remains unmarried, as St. Paul admonishes, or is it better for the young widow or widower to remarry so that the young children have two parents while growing up?

St. Paul did not admonish them to be unmarried. This is what he said:
Quote
But I say to the unmarried, and to the widows: It is good for them if they so continue, even as I. But if they do not contain themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to be burnt.

(ICorinthians 7:8,9)

According to St. Paul, people are free to remarry or not, even if there are no children involved.

If I were ever in that situation (which I won't anyhow because I am unmarried), I couldn't see myself re-marrying. I know we have the choice to remarry in that case if we like, I couldn't do it myself.

Just my two cents.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #14 on:** June 16, 2015, 09:22:02 PM »

Quote from: Guest

Why even ask? It sounds like gossip or meddling to me.

It's up to the widow/er to decided if and when s/he is ever ready to get married again.

I think the implication was that the subject party sought guidance from OP.
The widow(er), together with kids, could spend various outings with a prospect. It won't take long to discover suitability.

Author Topic: Young WidowWidower (Read 2365 times)

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