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Author Topic: wife has had no lasting friendships  (Read 1896 times)

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wife has had no lasting friendships
« on: November 19, 2020, 06:05:07 PM »
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    • We've married for over a decade (w/ no kids b/c of medical issues), and she has had no girlfriends her own age that are not relatives, no friendships lasting months or years. This doesn't seem normal.
    I've had more male and female friends than she has; my best guy friends I've known for about a decade now.
    She complains that no one wants to be her friend, but it seems she simply doesn't want friends. I've even introduced her to women at church, but nothing comes of it.
    She thinks her co-workers and other transient "acquaintances" (like vlogger and makeup girls) are her friends.
    What can I do about this?
    Are there any books written from a Catholic perspective on friendships for those in the married state?
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    Offline Geremia

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    St. Francis de Sales: seculars must "form holy and sacred friendships"
    « Reply #1 on: November 19, 2020, 06:09:01 PM »
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    • Particular friendships are necessary for seculars (but not for monastics). St. Francis de Sales wrote in ch. 19 of Introduction to the Devout Life:
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    For since in a well-regulated monastery the common aim of all tends to true devotion, there is no need to form particular friendships there, for fear lest, making a particular aim of that which is the common aim, they pass from particular friendships to partialities; but as for those who live in the world, and who embrace true virtue, it is necessary for them to form holy and sacred friendships with one another; for by this means they encourage one another, help one another, and lead one another on to good.
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    Offline Nadir

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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #2 on: November 19, 2020, 07:03:59 PM »
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    • Is it a problem for her? 
    Or is it a problem for you?
    “Normal” varies from person to person. In other words there is no objective normal.
    I have not made many (any?) friends in almost 40 years of marriage. My husband is my friend.
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    Offline SimpleMan

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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #3 on: November 19, 2020, 07:40:06 PM »
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    • I won't go so far as to say that a wife should have no friends, but there is such a thing as a wife being so wrapped up in her friends, letting them be her prime focus in life, having particularly overbearing or officious friends be her "handlers", and --- this must be said --- getting her dissatisfied with her marriage, possibly even going so far as to introducing her to men who they think would be better companions for her, than her husband is.  And that doesn't even begin to touch the hazards of wives in the workplace, and the "work wife/work husband" dynamics that often emerge.  Something about resisting beginnings?  Or is that not a "thing" anymore?

    Don't say it can't happen.  Better no friends at all, than the wrong kind of "friends".  I have seen many a marriage broken up by bad associations outside the home.  And didn't we just get done bouncing back and forth the idea that a wife needs her husband's permission to go outside the home?  I won't go so far as to say I advocate this, but there are some venturings outside the home that can be disastrous for both home and marriage --- and that goes both for the wife and the husband!
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    Offline Last Tradhican

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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #4 on: November 19, 2020, 07:47:06 PM »
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    • Quote from: Anonymous on November 19, 2020, 06:05:07 PM
    We've married for over a decade (w/ no kids b/c of medical issues), and she has had no girlfriends her own age that are not relatives, no friendships lasting months or years. This doesn't seem normal.
    I've had more male and female friends than she has; my best guy friends I've known for about a decade now.
    She complains that no one wants to be her friend, but it seems she simply doesn't want friends. I've even introduced her to women at church, but nothing comes of it.
    She thinks her co-workers and other transient "acquaintances" (like vlogger and makeup girls) are her friends.
    What can I do about this?
    Are there any books written from a Catholic perspective on friendships for those in the married state?
    Is she devoted to you, does she love you, does she take good care of you? Those are the important attributes of a wife. Not having lasting friends is of no importance, unless, she is all alone and does not even have you as a friend.
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #5 on: November 19, 2020, 08:08:42 PM »
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    • Was your wife a loner before you married?  If so, it’s probably her natural state.  If she’s content, there’s no problem that I can see.  If she’s alone a lot and unhappy, then it IS a problem, hers, not yours.  Maybe she could find a lady friend on this or another Traditional forum.
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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #6 on: November 19, 2020, 08:46:15 PM »
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    • Quote from: Anonymous on November 19, 2020, 08:08:42 PM
    Was your wife a loner before you married?  If so, it’s probably her natural state.  If she’s content, there’s no problem that I can see.  If she’s alone a lot and unhappy, then it IS a problem, hers, not yours.  Maybe she could find a lady friend on this or another Traditional forum.
    She probably has a 'melancholic' temperament.  You may be 'Sanguine'.   Good balance if each knows his/her strengths and weaknesses.
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    Offline donkath

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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #7 on: November 19, 2020, 08:47:19 PM »
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    • I meant to add my username to the above post about temperaments.
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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #8 on: November 19, 2020, 09:17:23 PM »
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    • Quote from: SimpleMan on November 19, 2020, 07:40:06 PM
    I won't go so far as to say that a wife should have no friends, but there is such a thing as a wife being so wrapped up in her friends
    I've noticed that among many of the gossip sort of wives at the parish. A loner wife is probably better than that.
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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #9 on: November 19, 2020, 09:17:56 PM »
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    • Quote from: Anonymous on November 19, 2020, 08:46:15 PM
    She probably has a 'melancholic' temperament.  You may be 'Sanguine'.   Good balance if each knows his/her strengths and weaknesses.
    Yes, maybe that's all it is. I am the more social one.
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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #10 on: November 19, 2020, 09:20:11 PM »
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    • Quote from: Anonymous on November 19, 2020, 08:08:42 PM
    Was your wife a loner before you married?  If so, it’s probably her natural state.  If she’s content, there’s no problem that I can see.
    I suppose she was a loner back then. The only girlfriends she'd made were in high school, not as much in college, and not at all after that; she associated more with boys.
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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #11 on: November 19, 2020, 09:27:44 PM »
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    • Quote from: Last Tradhican on November 19, 2020, 07:47:06 PM
    Is she devoted to you, does she love you, does she take good care of you? Those are the important attributes of a wife. Not having lasting friends is of no importance, unless, she is all alone and does not even have you as a friend.
    She is very faithful, devoted, and generous to me, but I'm helpless in meeting certain of her needs that it seems only a good female friend could do. She grew up without sisters, and her relationship with her mother has always been quite strained, especially when it comes to female things like pregnancy and becoming a mother.
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    Offline donkath

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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #12 on: November 19, 2020, 09:34:46 PM »
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    • Sounds like a good marriage to me.
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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #13 on: November 19, 2020, 09:42:43 PM »
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    • Quote from: Anonymous on November 19, 2020, 09:27:44 PM
    She is very faithful, devoted, and generous to me, but I'm helpless in meeting certain of her needs that it seems only a good female friend could do. She grew up without sisters, and her relationship with her mother has always been quite strained, especially when it comes to female things like pregnancy and becoming a mother.
    As Donkath said, it does sound like a good marriage (from what little is said here).  But it is sort of too bad she doesn't have friends or sisters, because you're right, I do think there is a lot to be said for having support from one's own sex.  My mom hardly had any friends besides her sisters, but her sisters were her best friends.  But you did mention her coworkers - why do you not consider them as friends for her?  
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    Re: wife has had no lasting friendships
    « Reply #14 on: November 19, 2020, 09:43:57 PM »
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    • Quote from: Nadir on November 19, 2020, 07:03:59 PM
    Is it a problem for her?
    Or is it a problem for you?
    both

    Quote from: Nadir on November 19, 2020, 07:03:59 PM
    I have not made many (any?) friends in almost 40 years of marriage. My husband is my friend.
    Husband and wife should be best friends, but why should that exclude other friendships? I've seen couples who literally worship each other. Because possessive carnal love is the basis of their relationship, their love doesn't diffuse outward toward others but is closed in on itself.
    Of course if you have children, your love can radiate out to them, but since my wife and I don't have children (and she's not open to adoption, either), our love is frustrated. I see so much good in her that she could be sharing with others (friendship being the mutual sharing of goods), but her social ineptness of fear of rejection (if that's what it is) is getting in the way.
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