Hey everyone,

I'm not really sure how to approach this situation. We've been married for about two years. We have two children already.

The first 5 or 6 months were great, since then my wife consistently refuses me the marriage debt. It has angered me to the point of being very severely tempted to seek an outlet in sinful avenues. Every-time I approach her the words are literally "no, no, no". This really hurts me deeply because she is sinning against me and herself. I basically have to have a 15 minute at the bare minimum with her just to get her to concede to my request wherein I have to listen to bunch of emotional ramblings about what I'm not doing right, even though I work full-time, make a good salary, come home and play with the children, never abuse her or cuss her out or anything even remotely like that. Sometimes it can take much longer, hours even to convince her. I have a very high sex drive, but we do not have relations that often, maybe once a week, twice a week if I'm lucky after basically begging, every, single, time.

I don't think she thinks she is doing anything wrong by refusing my reasonable requests. I have made it clear on many occasions that it is a mortal sin for her to refuse me my marriage right.

I think I'm reasonably attractive. I am semi-fit, not over-weight, and try to dress well and have good hygiene, so I know it is not an attractiveness issue.

My wife on the other hand has really let herself go since the last pregnancy and has put on almost 75lbs, which is very unattractive to me, but I still love her and desire to be with her.

How should I approach this situation. I often feel like no matter how hard I try to make her happy it is never good enough for her. I feel like she is using this avoidance of the marriage debt as some type of punishment towards me for an unrealistic expectation in her mind of what she thinks I should be doing more of, which I honestly have no idea what that is even after many conversations.

Thanks

We're all sinners. I have definitely done a few things I regret in our relationship, but I just don't get why that makes it all of the sudden ok for her to deny me what is my right. She puts her soul in jeopardy by doing so and even goes to communion every Sunday when I know full well she is denying me my marriage right.

It is extremely confusing.

We're all sinners. I have definitely done a few things I regret in our relationship, but I just don't get why that makes it all of the sudden ok for her to deny me what is my right. She puts her soul in jeopardy by doing so and even goes to communion every Sunday when I know full well she is denying me my marriage right.

It is extremely confusing.

Same here.

The only thing you can do is consider yourself weak and deserving of it.

We are called to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. He died for the Church. In the same way, you have to die to yourself for the sake of your wife.

Consider the prophet Hosea. God told him to make a Whore his wife. Why? So that Hoseas marriage would be an image of how God felt in relation to Israel. No matter how much he gave, she never gave back, or barely did.

Now your wife is not like that. Yet you are called to love with the same patient love and endurance of Christ. The same ways he endures with YOU day in and day out.

Your job is not to assert your rights. It is to carry your wife to safety. Perhaps her lack of submission screws up the spiritual dynamic? Make reparation for her.

Pray a rosary for her every night and she will get better.

I know a man who works a normal 7-3:30 job, is able to pray the family rosary, the little office of the blessed Virgin Mary, and a second rosary in the evening with in depth meditation, offering through the immaculate heart of Mary, consolation to Jesus Christ suffering. Slowly but sure I can see it is bringing peace and stability to his home.

You really have one job: to suffer all for your family and to suffer WELL.

I speak this from having gone through what you describe, but perhaps worse. Things are still mending for my family, but with a little more prayer and silence a difference is arising.

We've been married for about two years. We have two children already.  The first 5 or 6 months were great, since then my wife consistently refuses me the marriage debt.

Does anyone else find this math.....odd?

I would recommend you find a good Catholic marriage counselor to help you two sort things out.  

Your wife has had two children in two years. Give her a break for a while and learn to control your urges.

You don't say you have corrected your wrongs, and I'm pretty sure you would have told us if you did. A woman wants to feel loved for herself not for your rights. There are other ways of showing love than insisting on your own rights.

I agree. We are not Mohammedans. There is more to marriage than just popping out children as frequently as possible.

Yeah that "give me my rahts" doesn't work in either direction.  Men have marriage rights.  So do wives.  But sometimes the debt can be refused without penalty.  That must be discussed with a priest.  A good priest is not going to ORDER your wife to service you.  He's going to get to the bottom of what's making her distance herself from you and he's going to work with you to cease whatever it is that's making her feel put upon.  And he's probably going to look into your inability to find connection with your wife in other ways.   Adjustments on both sides will have to be made.  When there are children around mothers just don't want to keep acting like they did "in the first 5 months".  And it's not proper.  If she's nursing babies that creates a whole new conundrum for her.  Childless vacations may help too.

Look at it this way--your behavior is so obnoxious to her she's willing to imperil her soul to avoid you.

Yes, I pray for her all the time. Every day.

We could be more romantic, but it is difficult with the two kids being so young. But even if we go out and have a nice date and do something fun she'll still make excuses, it was this way even after our first child.

I'm sure she'd love a break, so would I, but that's not really feasible at this point. I work in IT and sometimes I have to work a lot of hours. Not always, but sometimes. I also sleep like a dead man most of the time when the baby is not screaming at the top of her lungs at 3am. I could get up and do feedings, but I don't have the boobies. I have offered to feed the baby sometimes, but then when I wake up and offer my wife just says "don't worry about it". She doesn't let me help her.

I play with the kids all evening as soon as I get home from work and spend time with my wife in the living room/dinner until I put our oldest daughter down to bed. I give my older daughter baths and all that too, so I definitely do not just ignore her or the children. We go to the park, go on walks, have friends over from Church. I love my family and I love spending time with my family.

Secondly, I never say "GIVE ME MY RIGHTS" or any non-sense like that. I just try to touch her and be romantic or whatever. She recoils even when I touch her, just last night after I wrote this post she did it again.

The only response here that really makes much sense to me is that she is tired and doesn't want to have another child at this point, which I understand, trust me I do, I have to hear the screaming children too, just not when I'm at work getting micro-managed by my liar boss or having to work all through the weekend because of some failure at a client.

My wife used to be a feminist atheist who converted to the Catholic faith before we got married, this was about 3 years ago, I think she still harbors some of those man-hating tendencies sometimes. That's what I think is going on. I also hardly ever see her pray. I rarely see her read any holy books, she is always reading secular literature.

And yes, she does wear jeans and yoga pants, which really bothers me.