Author Topic: Wife Being Called by Wrong Name (Read 12785 times)

Änσnymσus · « **on:** March 13, 2014, 01:25:29 PM »

I posted this is the ladies forum and was surprised that the women thought it was no big deal:

What should a Catholic wife do if her husband calls her by the name of his ex wife/girlfriend/paramour?

We are NOT talking about calling her by the name of his sister, aunt, grandma, etc.

Men especially encouraged to respond.

soulguard · « **Reply #1 on:** March 13, 2014, 02:04:09 PM »

If he is a Catholic it is probably a sign of senile dementia, or autism or something, OR maybe he is doing it to provoke you for some reason. Withholding consent for the marriage act might make him try to provoke you as if to say that he can go elsewhere because his lusts drive him to it.

If this is not nipped in the bud then it will grow into full blown wife abuse. What he does now is a step to wife abuse. If he is not Catholic then dont expect any better of him unless he converts, and if you married him, you are the person with the biggest influence on him, because his lusts drove him to be with you, and you must ensnare him with other bonds besides lust, and then you must make him think that those other bonds with you are superior to lust.

Man of the West · « **Reply #2 on:** March 13, 2014, 02:18:05 PM »

I can see how anybody, male of female, could be really hurt by this. While it's true that spouses must be very patient and bear with one another's faults, nobody needs to put up with being called by the name of a former partner. If it happened once by accident, that could be brushed off. It happens consistently, you need not feel bad for getting angry about it. You can tell your husband [wife] that you do NOT like that and will not stand for it, that they need to be more courteous when they talk to you.

For the record I am unmarried, so I don't have any direct experience with marriage. But speaking from my nature as a man, I would generally prefer not to use first names at all within the context of a marriage. I think that when spouses address one another privately, they ought to use terms of endearment that not only reinforce the bond between them but also express the nature of the sacrament of marriage.

My personal preference: I think a wife should simply call her husband "husband." It confirms him in his role as the head of the household. It is truthful, respectful, kind, and it acknowledges his superiority but also his obligation to care for her and the children. I would be flattered if a woman called me that. In turn, I would call my wife something similarly simple and gentle like "my love," which for my part confirms her in her belief that she is the object of my never ending affection and concern, the way that Christ loves the Church.

I should also emphasize the importance of keeping oneself chaste before marriage, as these situations would be far less likely to arise. But even if one has had an unchristian past, that does not excuse the spouses from the exclusive loyalty they must have for one another within the marriage bond. It just means they will have to work harder for it now; but work they must, for this is their vocation and their path to heaven. Their eternal destiny will depend on how well they fulfilled the obligations of marriage.

So patience is required but perfection is still the goal. It's okay to get mad once in awhile if that's what it takes to overcome an obstacle.

Mithrandylan · « **Reply #3 on:** March 13, 2014, 03:27:24 PM »

My question is why a Catholic woman is married to a man who has an "ex wife."

Somethin' in the milk ain't clean!

In the case of the wife being called the name of a former object of interest, once is an accident and nothing to worry about or get upset about, move on quickly. Any parent can tell you that they sometimes call their children the wrong name.

Nadir · « **Reply #4 on:** March 13, 2014, 03:38:27 PM »

Quote from: Mithrandylan

My question is why a Catholic woman is married to a man who has an "ex wife."

Mith, the term used was "previous wife" not "ex-wife" I understood that to mean she has died.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #5 on:** March 13, 2014, 03:40:16 PM »

Quote from: Mithrandylan

My question is why a Catholic woman is married to a man who has an "ex wife."

Somethin' in the milk ain't clean!

She could have died.

Mithrandylan · « **Reply #6 on:** March 13, 2014, 03:43:25 PM »

Is it proper to refer to one's deceased spouse as "ex" wife?

I suppose it is, since the marriage is dissolved at death. I suppose as a modern American, the connotation to "the wife that I ditched for a mistress" is inescapable.

Mithrandylan · « **Reply #7 on:** March 13, 2014, 03:50:35 PM »

Quote from: Man of the West

I can see how anybody, male of female, could be really hurt by this. While it's true that spouses must be very patient and bear with one another's faults, nobody needs to put up with being called by the name of a former partner. If it happened once by accident, that could be brushed off. It happens consistently, you need not feel bad for getting angry about it. You can tell your husband [wife] that you do NOT like that and will not stand for it, that they need to be more courteous when they talk to you.

For the record I am unmarried, so I don't have any direct experience with marriage. But speaking from my nature as a man, I would generally prefer not to use first names at all within the context of a marriage. I think that when spouses address one another privately, they ought to use terms of endearment that not only reinforce the bond between them but also express the nature of the sacrament of marriage.

My personal preference: I think a wife should simply call her husband "husband." It confirms him in his role as the head of the household. It is truthful, respectful, kind, and it acknowledges his superiority but also his obligation to care for her and the children. I would be flattered if a woman called me that. In turn, I would call my wife something similarly simple and gentle like "my love," which for my part confirms her in her belief that she is the object of my never ending affection and concern, the way that Christ loves the Church.

I should also emphasize the importance of keeping oneself chaste before marriage, as these situations would be far less likely to arise. But even if one has had an unchristian past, that does not excuse the spouses from the exclusive loyalty they must have for one another within the marriage bond. It just means they will have to work harder for it now; but work they must, for this is their vocation and their path to heaven. Their eternal destiny will depend on how well they fulfilled the obligations of marriage.

So patience is required but perfection is still the goal. It's okay to get mad once in awhile if that's what it takes to overcome an obstacle.

Very interesting. Incidentally, I did not thumb you down, but I'm curious as to whether or not this approach is practical or prudent? Don't you think your wife would be made unnecessarily uncomfortable by you courting her and using her name, and then as soon as you're married not using it any longer, and asking her not to use yours? Because I'm assuming that during courtship, if her name is Jane, you'll call her Jane-- not "girlfriend" or "one I am courting." Likewise she'll call you "Man of the West."

Not that a thing being impractical makes it not worth doing, I just have a difficult time envisioning how it's a principle to be insisted upon, in which case (if it were) the practicality doesn't really matter; however, as something of a preference I wonder as to it's prudence and it's practicality.

My wife and I infrequently refer to each other by first names, but it's more borne out of habit and custom.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #8 on:** March 13, 2014, 04:25:33 PM »

@Mithrandylan

I understand what you're saying. I was referring specifically to private conversations between a husband and wife, wherein they talk candidly to each other. Yet to be fair, the OP did not specify that this was the context of the conversation. Perhaps the poster had heard her husband call her the wrong name across a crowded room, for all I know. In any case, the terms of endearment in use ought to be something that grows up organically between the spouses in the course of a marriage. It is not necessary to shoehorn it in if it feels awkward.

For my part, the reverse feels even more awkward. I couldn't imagine calling even a serious girlfriend by her first name in a personal conversation, but maybe that's just me.

P.S. I'm sure the down-thumbs had nothing to do with what I said and everything to do with the fact that it was I who said them. The junkers are more than welcome to state their own case, of course.

-MotW

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #9 on:** March 13, 2014, 05:11:26 PM »

I'm the OP. This was a hypothetical that my hubby and I discussed last night. He said it was very serious if a woman did this but not so bad if a man did because men are thoughtless, blah, blah, blah. But I disagree and think women would be devastated if this happened. I posted it in the ladies thread and to my shock nobody thought it was important. Maybe it's because none of their husbands had a romantic life prior to the marriage.

BTW, my brother is a widower (age 46) and is courting a lady and he NEVER calls her by first wife's name, although he does have a "shrine" for her in his living room.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #10 on:** March 13, 2014, 05:42:21 PM »

Quote from: soulguard

If he is a Catholic it is probably a sign of senile dementia, or autism or something...

Why would that be a sign of autism?

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #11 on:** March 13, 2014, 05:44:39 PM »

Quote from: Man of the West

I'm sure the down-thumbs had nothing to do with what I said and everything to do with the fact that it was I who said them.

What a humble, balanced self-assessment! Not even a trace of conceit or excessive self-regard here, is there?

Quote from: Guest

I'm the OP. This was a hypothetical that my hubby and I discussed last night. He said it was very serious if a woman did this but not so bad if a man did because men are thoughtless, blah, blah, blah.

He's right about the thoughtless part, at least as far as he himself is concerned. He's probably a big fan of the vast bulk of the male commenters on this site, too, for whom life would be unimaginable without the principle of the double standard to fall back on.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #12 on:** March 13, 2014, 05:54:19 PM »

Quote from: Guest

Quote from: Man of the West
I'm sure the down-thumbs had nothing to do with what I said and everything to do with the fact that it was I who said them.

What a humble, balanced self-assessment! Not even a trace of conceit or excessive self-regard here, is there?

Quote from: Guest
I'm the OP. This was a hypothetical that my hubby and I discussed last night. He said it was very serious if a woman did this but not so bad if a man did because men are thoughtless, blah, blah, blah.

He's right about the thoughtless part, at least as far as he himself is concerned. He's probably a big fan of the vast bulk of the male commenters on this site, too, for whom life would be unimaginable without the principle of the double standard to fall back on.

Erinisnice?

jen51 · « **Reply #13 on:** March 13, 2014, 08:13:18 PM »

It would all depend on the situation, for me. Assuming that I had no reason to be suspicious, If he did it once I might feel a little hurt, but i wouldn't hold it against him, and I would probably be able to brush it off with relative ease. He may have called her to mind for some random reason right before he talked to me, and accidentally said her name. I do this all the time when I am talking to someone and had just been thinking about someone else. I could easily see myself doing this to my fiancée while being innocent of foul play. I am clumsy and make bloopers more often than I care to. It happens, unfortunately. Now if he did it twice right in a row or multiple times in a relatively short period of time, I would get offended and it would more than likely create a big insecurity.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #14 on:** March 13, 2014, 10:03:44 PM »

Quote from: jen51

It would all depend on the situation, for me. Assuming that I had no reason to be suspicious, If he did it once I might feel a little hurt, but i wouldn't hold it against him, and I would probably be able to brush it off with relative ease. He may have called her to mind for some random reason right before he talked to me, and accidentally said her name. I do this all the time when I am talking to someone and had just been thinking about someone else. I could easily see myself doing this to my fiancée while being innocent of foul play. I am clumsy and make bloopers more often than I care to. It happens, unfortunately. Now if he did it twice right in a row or multiple times in a relatively short period of time, I would get offended and it would more than likely create a big insecurity.

This is more along the lines of what I would expect a woman to say.

BTW, do you have a dress picked out?

Author Topic: Wife Being Called by Wrong Name (Read 12785 times)

Änσnymσus

Änσnymσus

Änσnymσus

Änσnymσus

Änσnymσus

Änσnymσus

Änσnymσus

Änσnymσus