Author Topic: Who is right? (Read 1870 times)

Änσnymσus · « **on:** December 01, 2015, 02:50:10 AM »

My husband tried to clean out one of our rooms today to make it all "tidy" and he tried to place a breadmaker in a place that I believe encroaches on one of our children's important work areas. He did remove another box to make room for it, but the resulting space was several inches less. I am very frustrated with my husband because he keeps so much stuff.

Anyhow, I let him have it. I frankly don't care what the children overheard, or if they end up thinking less of their father and his authority. Children must have their own space where they can have things just so, with their personal items, knick knacks and what have you. If my husband supposedly is the "head" of the house, with final say over everything, then isn't he nothing more than a dictator? Shouldn't there be places in our home where my husband has no more practical authority over me/us than a bum on the street? It sure seems like that's how it should be.

He just got a major promotion and it might just be stress getting to one or both of us.

poche · « **Reply #1 on:** December 01, 2015, 05:04:15 AM »

I think you need to learn to disagree without being disagreeable.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #2 on:** December 01, 2015, 12:14:04 PM »

How old is your husband?

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #3 on:** December 01, 2015, 12:21:36 PM »

How old are you? You should care how the children see their father. I have thoughts. As we get older, we lose hormones and sometimes we lose God. When we disagree, do we ask our guardian angel to help us. Should we speak? What will we say or think before we say something.
Your husband made an attempt. Thank you. We need to help ourselves when hormones decrease. Both men and women. Some women get there sooner with the sad loss of the womb, or even sterilization. Contraceptives also bring on upsets, and perceptions of each other that are not true perceptions.

More prayers.

Iuvenalis · « **Reply #4 on:** December 01, 2015, 01:23:20 PM »

I think you are mostly right, however, I think you could have handled it better (i.e. scolding him in front of the kids, you could have asked him to another room or something)

The husband is not a dictator. He is the final word on many things, but there are, or should be, "wife things" where she is the boss.

Examples are: talking to the female children about puberty, menarche, etc
The *inside* of the home: decor, organization. The "infrastructure" (plumbing, wiring, structure) are man stuff. The lawn, gutters, painting the outside, setting up a swingset etc are mostly man stuff.
Decorating the inside, changing the color of the house, the flowers etc, should be woman stuff and she should get the final say.

Since it's about organizing the inside, I consider this woman territory. Men have junk sometimes. Women banish them and their junk to a/the garage or a basement, or somewhere where she agrees she has no say. Some men label it the "man cave". I collect ships in bottles. My wife doesn't understand why I need more than one, nor do I, but I have them. I have a designated man cave for my ships, my computer junk, and if I'm working on a model I can leave the model and glue and xacto knives laying out. She says nothing about the condition of that area. I have beer fermentation going on in that space sometimes.

You are "right" but you two need to carve out your domains of responsibility and establish them to avoid future arguments.

You really need to support his authority and not scold him in front of the kids, when kids are teenagers they'll challenge their parents at some point, and Dad is usually the one to bring the hammer down on that. If they see you treat him like that, they won't be scared of him.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #5 on:** December 01, 2015, 03:55:18 PM »

Quote from: Guest

My husband tried to clean out one of our rooms today to make it all "tidy" and he tried to place a breadmaker in a place that I believe encroaches on one of our children's important work areas. He did remove another box to make room for it, but the resulting space was several inches less. I am very frustrated with my husband because he keeps so much stuff.

Anyhow, I let him have it. I frankly don't care what the children overheard, or if they end up thinking less of their father and his authority. Children must have their own space where they can have things just so, with their personal items, knick knacks and what have you. If my husband supposedly is the "head" of the house, with final say over everything, then isn't he nothing more than a dictator? Shouldn't there be places in our home where my husband has no more practical authority over me/us than a bum on the street? It sure seems like that's how it should be.

He just got a major promotion and it might just be stress getting to one or both of us.

Sounds like a loveless marriage. I'm betting that if you weren't a Traditional Catholic lady, you'd divorce him YESTERDAY!

Unless this post was meant as satire, you really are holding quite a grudge.

Unless there is much more going on beneath the surface, the contempt you have for your husband borders on emotional adultery.

I think you need to go to Confession for what you said to your husband. The other attitudes you hold so steady in your heart can only be dissolved with prayer and fasting.

jen51 · « **Reply #6 on:** December 01, 2015, 03:56:05 PM »

I agree with Iuvenalis that he should respect your say in how the house is arranged. I understand your frustration there. But I think, most certainly, that you were out of line in how you handled it. It is wrong to speak to your husband that way in front of the kids. Even if the kids weren't in the room, "letting him have it" is not a good attitude to have towards your husband, and I don't think you should feel justified in doing it. It is wrong of him to not respect how you'd like to arrange the house (I think we can all agree that women, in general, know best about these things), but you shouldn't let his wrong cause you to sin. It's setting a bad example for the children. It's best to speak to him in private, and I know it's hard, but gentleness will get you further than yelling at a man.

Iuvenalis · « **Reply #7 on:** December 02, 2015, 12:19:17 AM »

Quote from: Guest

Sounds like a loveless marriage. I'm betting that if you weren't a Traditional Catholic lady, you'd divorce him YESTERDAY!

Unless this post was meant as satire, you really are holding quite a grudge.

Unless there is much more going on beneath the surface, the contempt you have for your husband borders on emotional adultery.

I think you need to go to Confession for what you said to your husband. The other attitudes you hold so steady in your heart can only be dissolved with prayer and fasting.

Nonsense.

Way too much inference here. She got mad. People get mad.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #8 on:** December 02, 2015, 01:28:09 AM »

Op did you write this post shortly after the confrontation because you sound extremely angry and full of contempt.
Read it back when you have calmed down and you will see that level of anger is not right.
Firstly your husband maybe was trying to help with wife/mother stuff
He got it wrong in one area. Big deal, just move the breadmaker yourself on the QT. There you go, no big deal.
Secondly, NO YOU NEVER CORRECT YOUR HUSBAND IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, SAME FOR CORRECTING A WIFE.
We women moan and complain if husbands don't take the pressure off our house duties but then roll eyes if they do help but don't do it our way.
My hubby steps in every now and again but doesn't get it right all the time, I thank him but fix it quietly myself another time , his heart is in the right place.
To answer, you are probably right about the position of the breadbasket but you are wrong in your over the top reaction especially in front of the children.
High maintenance!!!

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #9 on:** December 02, 2015, 04:32:43 AM »

Quote from: Guest

...
He got it wrong in one area. Big deal, just move the breadmaker yourself on the QT. There you go, no big deal.
...

This!

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #10 on:** December 02, 2015, 10:08:37 AM »

Quote from: Iuvenalis

Quote from: Guest

Sounds like a loveless marriage. I'm betting that if you weren't a Traditional Catholic lady, you'd divorce him YESTERDAY!

Unless this post was meant as satire, you really are holding quite a grudge.

Unless there is much more going on beneath the surface, the contempt you have for your husband borders on emotional adultery.

I think you need to go to Confession for what you said to your husband. The other attitudes you hold so steady in your heart can only be dissolved with prayer and fasting.

Nonsense.

Way too much inference here. She got mad. People get mad.

Please re-read the OP's original post. It was more than just getting mad.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #11 on:** December 02, 2015, 10:53:56 AM »

Quote from: Guest

I frankly don't care what the children overheard, or if they end up thinking less of their father and his authority. .

Read what you wrote here. Surely you can see something terribly wrong with this.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #12 on:** December 02, 2015, 11:13:07 AM »

Quote from: Guest

He just got a major promotion and it might just be stress getting to one or both of us.

So he hauls tail at work for his family and goes home to a howling wife. Nice.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #13 on:** December 02, 2015, 02:41:25 PM »

Just wait a few days, and put the breadmaker where you want it to be. (especially with the reason that you want to use it- I'm betting there'll be no argument about having warm, fresh bread!) He probably won't even notice. I have a husband who tends to 'micro-manage' when he has anxiety. I've gradually learned to stop tearing my hair out and starting arguments over it, just give it a little time, and most of it will sort itself out.

I am working on getting one room emptied so he can use it for his model building. It will also give me a place to toss his stacks of (what I think of as) clutter that are everywhere at present.

My best bread-machine recipe that requires no milk--

1 Cup Warm Water
2 TBS Sugar
2 1/2 TSP Yeast (Quick Rise)
1/4 Cup Vegetable Oil
3 Cups Flour
1 TSP Salt

Set machine for the "basic" setting.

wallflower · « **Reply #14 on:** December 02, 2015, 04:05:25 PM »

I am surprised no one has addressed this but as nice as it is for children to have their own space where they can have things just so, it isn't a necessity. They can and will survive without it. I'd say it becomes more important to their formation and leisure time as they get older but under 10-15 I really wouldn't be concerned over a few inches. The very slight inconvenience might even be good for them.

But in this instance I don't think it's a matter of who is right or which of you has more people in agreement with them and I don't think it's really about the child losing space either because a few inches and a breadmaker in the wrong spot are quite minor. What matters is that you are "frustrated that he keeps so much stuff", you "let him have it" and you are mulling over the "supposed" head of household being a dictator. All of that indicates a buildup of resentment. Whether he is a dictator or not, whether you're ungrateful or not, none of us know and we can't possibly give good personal advice. But the resentment over his stuff and his role really needs to be addressed between the two of you and if need be make an appointment with your pastor. I hope you are able to work it out. If you can't and you foresee that it will be (or already has been?) a lifetime struggle, then you personally need to find a way not to let it get to you so badly. If he's just randomly moving stuff I think the strategy of waiting for a good time to properly place it is a good one. But if he is adamant about his placement for a certain reason then, as they say, you have to pick your battles.

Author Topic: Who is right? (Read 1870 times)

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