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Traditional Catholic Faith => Anσnymσus Posts Allowed => Topic started by: Änσnymσus on May 06, 2012, 02:44:22 AM
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Dear fellow members, what do I do with a friend like this?
I have a friend whom I've known for around 17 years. The last 8 years of our friendship, this friend has kept coming to me for money when he has been in a financial difficulty. Over the years, I would say that I have given him around $15,000 (and I say "given" because I knew he would never be able to pay me back so it was just given). Well, over 2 years ago, I got sick and tired of being his personal bank, so to speak. I told him to stop coming me for money. That I was not a bank he could go to every time a financial emergency came up. But he kept coming to me for money when he was in need and, out of pity, I would succuмb to giving him the money to help him in his emergency (after, of course, yelling at him and telling him that I was fed up of always giving him money).
I even stopped talking to my friend for a year once because of the money issue. A couple of years ago, after repeatedly telling him not to ever ask me for money again, I succuмbed to giving him money in a monetary emergency of his - but this time, lending him the money (not giving) on the condition that he had 2 weeks to pay me back (as he promised). I told him if he did not pay me back the money, then I would not talk to him until he did. Well, he never was able to hold up to his promise (that is why I never lent him money all these years but just gave it to him) and I did not talk to him for a year. After a year, when he still did not pay me back a penny, I just gave up and went back talking to him again (since the year of my not talking to him was punishment enough on him).
I have lost a lot of respect for my friend because of his always coming to me for money. I even sometimes feel nauseous. Even my former maid had less respect for him when she would witness me often giving him money. She would refer to him as "your son" because, she saw me like a mother to him more than a friend since he was coming to me for money like a kid to his parent.
Anyway, this is my situation: These past couple of weeks, he has again been coming to me for money. He is in a situation where, if he does not come up with $500, his RV will be towed away. He lives in his RV because he is poor and, because he failed to register it, he now has to pay not only for registration but also fines. The parking enforcement gave him one week or it will be towed. He needs the money by Monday. I told him to stop asking for money. That I was not going to help him. He still, in subtle hints, has been asking for help.
Would it be unchristianly of me to not give him the money, knowing that his RV in which he lives in could be towed away. I am really sick and tired of helping him out financially.
Anyway, my question.
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Why doesn't he have his own money? If he is lazy or profligate, I would not enable any of that. If he is doing his best, but unable to succeed, and you have an excess of money, then you should feel free to be charitable,
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Why doesn't he have his own money? If he is lazy or profligate, I would not enable any of that. If he is doing his best, but unable to succeed, and you have an excess of money, then you should feel free to be charitable,
Completely disagree. The situation has gone beyond charitable. After the first loan not being paid back, I would have refused any subsequent requests.
Has this person ever offered to work for the money?
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You shouldn't have to keep giving your money. If I had a friend who constantly kept asking me for money numerous times a year, I'd get sick of it myself. That is not charitable of him.
Is he unable to work?
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My friend makes $1400 a month. He pays half of that ($700) to child support. Then he has to pay for gas (which as you know is a lot), more for car insurance, and then money on food. Usually money on tickets he never payed (which are more money since he has to also pay for the fines of not paying the ticket when it was due). He doesn't have enough money to pay for an apartment and that is why he is living in an RV.
Plus there is the fact that he has the worst luck with cars and spends money on car problems - at least 2 times a year. He buys a cheap used car (around $1500) since that is all he can afford, but then something goes wrong with it and he has to spend money fixing it. Then later on, something else goes wrong, and he has to pay to fix it. After 3 times fixing it, he ends up trading it in for another used car of the same price. And then the new used car eventually breaks down, and he starts the whole cycle over again.
I've offered him to do work for the money once but he proved himself incompetent in that. Anyway, I really have no work I can offer him.
Just to make it clear, it's not like he is asking me ALL the time for money. He asks me about 4 times a year. But I've really come to be repulsed by his asking me - to the point of actually feeling almost nauseous.
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It is not helping this person to be a man by enabling him to coerce money out of you. You are fortunate to have an honest friend in your former maid.
Have a Mass offered for the man instead. Or have a bunch of Masses offered in his name to the Purgatorian Society. You have lost respect for him because he has taken advantage of your nurturing instinct. Sadly, there are such men. But if he had any moral backbone, he would not dare ask you again.
Don't give him any more money!!! He's one of the parasites lurking around the Traditional Catholic culture, taking advantage of women.
I feel certain that your feeling of nausea is due to this loser's sickening money-grubbing and repeat "car problems". A lot of lower-class people think people with money owe it to them. It makes ME sick to hear that he is hounding you yet again!
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My friend makes $1400 a month. He pays half of that ($700) to child support. Then he has to pay for gas (which as you know is a lot), more for car insurance, and then money on food. Usually money on tickets he never payed (which are more money since he has to also pay for the fines of not paying the ticket when it was due). He doesn't have enough money to pay for an apartment and that is why he is living in an RV.
Plus there is the fact that he has the worst luck with cars and spends money on car problems - at least 2 times a year. He buys a cheap used car (around $1500) since that is all he can afford, but then something goes wrong with it and he has to spend money fixing it. Then later on, something else goes wrong, and he has to pay to fix it. After 3 times fixing it, he ends up trading it in for another used car of the same price. And then the new used car eventually breaks down, and he starts the whole cycle over again.
I've offered him to do work for the money once but he proved himself incompetent in that. Anyway, I really have no work I can offer him.
Just to make it clear, it's not like he is asking me ALL the time for money. He asks me about 4 times a year. But I've really come to be repulsed by his asking me - to the point of actually feeling almost nauseous.
If you are truly doing charity, you have to give in a disinterested way. The moment you are feeling repulsed, its time to quit! You are gaining no merit from this charity.
This man cant make enough money? Well he needs to get a second job to boost his income.
You will probably never get the money back. Just offer all of your charitable actions in his regard to Our Lady. She will take these intentions, and they can be used to pay back your debt in purgatory.
Remember, "Charity covers a multitude of sins"
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My friend makes $1400 a month. He pays half of that ($700) to child support.
You're a good friend. He shouldn't have had to borrow so much money, but his destitution is not a matter of choice.
It's natural that the well-off people here are calling the guy a bum, because they support this disgusting feminist society and state support for single motherhood.
In that sense they are totally opposed to traditional society and morality, and are brutal and callous supporters of the oppression of fathers.
He has to live on the same amount the mother of the child spends on his children.
If you feel bad about giving him money, make sure don't give the money directly to him, but be sure the money goes to concrete necessities.
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If you are truly doing charity, you have to give in a disinterested way. The moment you are feeling repulsed, its time to quit!
Honestly, that doesn't make sense. If you only ever felt good about charity, is it charity? Wouldn't being subject to hard feelings and overcoming them make it more charitable?
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I am getting 2 contrary advice here.
What if I decide not to help him pay for the fines and registration on his RV home? Will I be being uncharitable and would God be upset that I am willing to let him lose his home.
I mean when will this end. Another situation is going to pop up where he will again need my help - as it always does. Do I keep helping him for the rest of my life whenever he needs money?
In fact, he will probably come to me in a couple of months when aquaintance of his, who is a bounty hunter and whom he borrowed money from, finds out he hasn't saved a dime to pay him back when he decides to come for the money. The bounty hunter will probably have him beaten up. So does that mean that, like I am obligated under charity to save him from losing his RV home, I am obligated under charity to save him from being beaten up by helping him with the money?
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I am getting 2 contrary advice here.
What if I decide not to help him pay for the fines and registration on his RV home? Will I be being uncharitable and would God be upset that I am willing to let him lose his home.
I wouldn't think about it in terms of God being upset with you for the man being without a home. What if your positions were reversed?
I mean when will this end. Another situation is going to pop up where he will again need my help - as it always does. Do I keep helping him for the rest of my life whenever he needs money?
He may always be short of money. You can approach the problem many different ways. You can set strict limits on how much you're going to give. You can decide to only pay for certain kinds of expenses. etc. You can decide to cut him off totally. It's up to you. I would practice the golden rule. If you can afford it.
In fact, he will probably come to me in a couple of months when aquaintance of his, who is a bounty hunter and whom he borrowed money from, finds out he hasn't saved a dime to pay him back when he decides to come for the money. The bounty hunter will probably have him beaten up. So does that mean that, like I am obligated under charity to save him from losing his RV home, I am obligated under charity to save him from being beaten up by helping him with the money?
I don't know the moral theology of the matter. You have to judge in your heart what's right. Saving a man from being homeless or being beaten is not something to be ashamed of. Maybe you're making a mistake in helping him. Much better than making a mistake not helping him if he is truly in dire circuмstances.
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If the traffic tickets aren't his own fault, I don't know what is!
For some things, one NEVER has an excuse. Committing sin, for example. Another example would be traffic violations.
I got a few tickets when I was a teenager, but I haven't received one in about 12 or 13 years. It's called having respect for the traffic laws.
And no one, no matter how poor, needs to live in a "hovel". You can live in an old trailer home, run-down house, etc. but you can throw your trash and pizza boxes away, sweep the floor, etc.! Bleach and newspaper are practically free.
You don't have to spend big bucks on commercial cleaners, Swiffer (tm) dusters, etc. Just use old clothes, paper towels, free newspapers, etc. and use basic cleaners like bleach, ammonia, baking soda, and vinegar.
Padre Pio was poor. His cell was spartan, clean and simple. But his cell certainly didn't smell like cat urine, nor did he have pizza boxes and dirty clothes on the floor!
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Maybe you should get in touch with charitable organizations like St. Vincent de Paul.
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You should probably ask a Traditional priest for advice if possible and see what he says.
Personally, I wouldn't give him any more money. Even if you give him money this time, what if the next time he needs even more money because he's in a bigger jam? There has to be a stopping point eventually.
I could MAYBE understand if your friend only needed money on very rare ocassions, maybe once every few years. But this is beyond insane. You really need to tell him in a charitable way that he needs to learn how to make it on his own. What would he do if you weren't his friend?
As for it being uncharitable in the Eyes of God if you don't give him anymore money, you've given money time and time again for years. I don't think God would be displeased if you refused to give him anymore.
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If someone has a meager income and has to pay half of it in child support, it is not a matter of that person being able to "make it on their own."
The attitude that "I've given so much already, so now I'll let him sink" - it doesn't seem Christian. I'm not saying you owe him anything. Just don't think that having given someone money in the past is an excuse to cut off someone who might be in genuine need.
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If you are truly doing charity, you have to give in a disinterested way. The moment you are feeling repulsed, its time to quit!
Honestly, that doesn't make sense. If you only ever felt good about charity, is it charity? Wouldn't being subject to hard feelings and overcoming them make it more charitable?
I agree with this to be honest. The world will stop when they feel "repulsed", like the person doesn't deserve it, but virtue does not. Virtue usually flourishes most when one is repulsed, especially when it comes to the poor and needy, who are most pathetic and most subject to ill will from those they depend on.
It's easy to talk in theory about helping the poor, the sick, the needy, but that's because many of us have never come face to face with how unpretty it is in reality. When actually in the position, it is not as glorious as it would seem and often takes heroic self-sacrifice on the part of the helper.
That doesn't mean you have to help him, I'm not trying to push you one way or the other, I'm just saying don't hang your decision on how you feel.
He really isn't making much money at all and having half of it go to child support? Every single one of us would be in dire straights. If he is a hard worker, trying his best and not just slacking off, perhaps he is God's gift to you for almsgiving. Heck, even if he is a slacker, he might be that to you too. There again charity isn't reserved only for the virtuous, but on the other hand enabling it might not be helpful to him either. It's a tough call. I hope you are able to make a decision that you are at peace with.
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Tell him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous for 1 year, every day. The men will give him rides to the meetings.
Whomever is laying a guilt trip on you, OP, should be ashamed. You don't owe this deadbeat any money. $15,000 is a lot of money.
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Tell him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous for 1 year, every day. The men will give him rides to the meetings.
Whomever is laying a guilt trip on you, OP, should be ashamed. You don't owe this deadbeat any money. $15,000 is a lot of money.
Not according to some people around here. It depends on who you are.
No one should feel guilty. But no one should feel self-satisfied about letting a friend go homeless because you gave them $15,000. Just consider if the positions were reversed.
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Tell him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous for 1 year, every day. The men will give him rides to the meetings.
Whomever is laying a guilt trip on you, OP, should be ashamed. You don't owe this deadbeat any money. $15,000 is a lot of money.
Not according to some people around here. It depends on who you are.
No one should feel guilty. But no one should feel self-satisfied about letting a friend go homeless because you gave them $15,000. Just consider if the positions were reversed.
Where does it end, though? What if ten years down the road he's still desparate for money, even more-so? Do you really think God is going to punish someone because after they gave a friend $15,000, they finally had to stop because they couldn't keep doing it? I wouldn't want a friend who did that to me. I wouldn't mind giving a friend money once or twice if he needed it, sure. But money year after year that adds up to $15,000?
How would you like it if you had a friend who kept pestering you for money time and time again?
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Where does it end, though?
Some sort of plan needs to be made, limits need to be set. Outside help needs to be requested. Help from other sources.
What if ten years down the road he's still desparate for money, even more-so? Do you really think God is going to punish someone because after they gave a friend $15,000, they finally had to stop because they couldn't keep doing it? I wouldn't want a friend who did that to me. I wouldn't mind giving a friend money once or twice if he needed it, sure. But money year after year that adds up to $15,000?
If you can't afford it you can't afford it. As for what the future holds you have to take that into account when you get to that point. Plan for the contingencies, set limits. It's natural to feel taken advantage of, you have to use your best judgment to determine what is the boundary between genuine charity and enabling.
How would you like it if you had a friend who kept pestering you for money time and time again?
It would be very unpleasant, but to be honest, it depends on how much money I had, how close of a friend he was, and what the friend's true circuмstances were.
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If you are truly doing charity, you have to give in a disinterested way. The moment you are feeling repulsed, its time to quit!
Honestly, that doesn't make sense. If you only ever felt good about charity, is it charity? Wouldn't being subject to hard feelings and overcoming them make it more charitable?
When you give charity you have to give it with a good heart. If you grudgingly give it or are repulsed by giving it, you are not gaining any merit for it. Im talking about spiritual merit.
You can still practice charity without any good sentiments because you feel the need of the person asking for it. If you are begrudging the person, with repulsive feelings of being taken advantage of, then its your choice whether to continue. You then should NEVER complain about it as you are doing here.
I have heard sermons about this.
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If you are truly doing charity, you have to give in a disinterested way. The moment you are feeling repulsed, its time to quit!
Honestly, that doesn't make sense. If you only ever felt good about charity, is it charity? Wouldn't being subject to hard feelings and overcoming them make it more charitable?
When you give charity you have to give it with a good heart. If you grudgingly give it or are repulsed by giving it, you are not gaining any merit for it. Im talking about spiritual merit.
You can still practice charity without any good sentiments because you feel the need of the person asking for it. If you are begrudging the person, with repulsive feelings of being taken advantage of, then its your choice whether to continue. You then should NEVER complain about it as you are doing here.
I have heard sermons about this.
If you give in to those feelings then no you would not merit. But it's a different story if they are there but you strive to rise above them. Their mere existence doesn't change anything, it's our reaction to them that tips the scales.
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True -- our religion is not about our emotional feelings.
That includes the state of our soul, merit gained, etc. Feelings might make an act of charity more difficult (and therefore more meritorious, since it requires a greater act of love), but they are quite incidental.
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OP here.
I am repulsed by it because:
1) it is rather sickening for a woman to be paying for a man. Out of pity, I did it with most of the men I dealt with in my life, but it went against my nature as a woman. I've done it too many times with men (whether they be friends or boyfriend) and it has now come to nauseate me - because the man is supposed to be paying for the woman, not the other way around.
2) the money I give my friend is usually me cleaning up the messes he gets himself into. For instance, if he had not procrastinated about paying the registration on his RV, he wouldn't be in this mess. If he had listened to my advice by distancing himself from the bounty hunter friend, he wouldn't be owing him (instead of distancing like I told him, he goes and borrows money from him).
3) the money I give my friend sometimes goes to waste either because another problem arises right after (because of his incompetence) and or because he does not keep the promise I made him take on the condition that I give him the money.
For instance, a few months ago, I gave him $700 to get dentures (since the dentist pulled out all his teeth). Well, he never asked the doctor the right questions, so he thought it was $700 for the whole set. But it was only $700 for the upper dentures. So now my friend can't even wear the top dentures I bought him because he doesn't have bottom ones. And if he had gone to the dentist all those years I was harrassing him to take care of his teeth, then he wouldn't have even needed to get his teeth pulled out in the first place and I wouldn't have needed to pay for the dentures (but he was afraid to go to the dentist). On another occassion, I gave him $6000 for downpayment of a car on the condition that he promise me something. Come to find out that he succuмbed to weakness and did not keep his promise (which I wouldn't have given him money if I knew he wouldn't have fulfilled his promise). On top of that, he was eventually unable to make payments on the car and they repossessed it. So there went my money down the drain.
But mostly, it is #1 that is a reason I am repulsed. Considering the fact that I have paid for most men I've had interaction with, I've come to be repulsed by men who let a woman pay most of the time.
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The fact that we have a man asking another woman for money is truly insane. I wouldn't give him anymore. Simply pray for him.
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The fact that we have a man asking another woman for money is truly insane. I wouldn't give him anymore. Simply pray for him.
OP here.
Yes. Like I said, that is most of the reason I feel sick. I forgot to add that it not only goes against my nature as a woman, but also against my culture for a woman to pay for a man.
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OP, what if you were able to get him some help along the lines of developing some professional career skills. Resume workshops? Basic career planning classes? With his low paying job, it seems as though he will always be scrounging for money. The situation will not get better for him or you if he keeps following this course of irresponsibility with low funds.
I guess what I'm saying is that in this particular situation, the most charitable thing at this point may be to give him and "hand up" instead of a "hand out".
I can understand your irritation. You're right. It is disordered for you to be "providing" for a man. It is unnatural, so feeling nauseated seems like a natural reaction.
May God bless you and your friend, and I will pray for you.
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I don't think gender has much to do with it. Again, not pressuring you into it, but playing devil's advocate.
When you say the "man is supposed to be paying for the woman" it gives the impression there is or was or may be a romantic relationship. That's the only time I know of when men are expected to be providers. If you are frustrated by having allowed yourself to be a sugar momma too many times, that's a whole different ball game. (Not asking for an explanation, I'm just saying)
But if it's simply a case of being a benefactor, who is the man or the woman doesn't make a difference. Think of St Elizabeth of Hungary for example. Would she have refused aid or been repulsed because she was a woman and among the needy were men? I doubt it. There were female saints who earned or were left fortunes and disposed of them charitably with no regard for gender. At that point they aren't looking for mates, they are doing God's work, it's different.
As for the rest of it, it does sound frustrating. I don't think anyone questions why you are at the end of your rope. But it really is up to you to factor those things into your decision whether to keep going with this or put a stop to it. A big question for me would be if his incompetence is due to bad will or just a lesser intellect. If it's bad will then I guess at some point he should feel the effects. If it's just a lesser intellect and lesser means, he may truly need your help. Even if that help means, as others have stated, finding other resources and organizations that are created for that purpose.
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Giving him that much money for the car was clearly a mistake. He didn't need nearly that much money to buy a working car. Perhaps you've been too generous in the past. But you should try to forget about mistakes you've made in the past and consider what he's facing. Suppose he was supporting that child in his home? Would your attitude be different? You said half his earnings. What is he going to do when his RV is taken away?
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Giving him that much money for the car was clearly a mistake. He didn't need nearly that much money to buy a working car. Perhaps you've been too generous in the past. But you should try to forget about mistakes you've made in the past and consider what he's facing. Suppose he was supporting that child in his home? Would your attitude be different? You said half his earnings. What is he going to do when his RV is taken away?
CORRECTION: It was $3,000, not $6,000 I gave him. I just remembered.
If his RV is taken away, he will probably sleep on the floor in the storage garage he is renting (where he stores his stuff). He will take showers at the house of his mother's children. He did that once for a few months during the time that I did not talk to him for a whole year.
So in other words, I should hold his hand all his life and take care of him when he falls down, like I'm his mother - because he will always be poor and will thus always be in situations where he will need my help.
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I don't think gender has much to do with it. Again, not pressuring you into it, but playing devil's advocate.
When you say the "man is supposed to be paying for the woman" it gives the impression there is or was or may be a romantic relationship. That's the only time I know of when men are expected to be providers. If you are frustrated by having allowed yourself to be a sugar momma too many times, that's a whole different ball game. (Not asking for an explanation, I'm just saying)
But if it's simply a case of being a benefactor, who is the man or the woman doesn't make a difference. Think of St Elizabeth of Hungary for example. Would she have refused aid or been repulsed because she was a woman and among the needy were men? I doubt it. There were female saints who earned or were left fortunes and disposed of them charitably with no regard for gender. At that point they aren't looking for mates, they are doing God's work, it's different.
As for the rest of it, it does sound frustrating. I don't think anyone questions why you are at the end of your rope. But it really is up to you to factor those things into your decision whether to keep going with this or put a stop to it. A big question for me would be if his incompetence is due to bad will or just a lesser intellect. If it's bad will then I guess at some point he should feel the effects. If it's just a lesser intellect and lesser means, he may truly need your help. Even if that help means, as others have stated, finding other resources and organizations that are created for that purpose.
I know that. I've helped homeless men. That is different.
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Ok. Last thing I'll say concerning this topic.
First of all, thank you all for your responses.
Second, just found out it is $250 he owes for the RV fines (he was able to come up with the rest). I decided to loan him the money - on the condition he pay me back in 10 days as he promised. If he does not pay me back on the date he promised, that will be the last time I give him money.
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I was going on zero sleep when I wrote the first post so, as a matter of justice to my friend, I wish to say that I miscalculated how much I have given him all these years. I believe it is more like $10,000 than $15,000.
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OP, I have a question: you said that you made him promise to something when you loaned him money for the car. Does he have a substance abuse problem, and if so, is that where your money went?
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OP, I have a question: you said that you made him promise to something when you loaned him money for the car. Does he have a substance abuse problem, and if so, is that where your money went?
No, he does not have a substance abuse problem. I gave him the money on the condition that he leave an abusive, destructive, and sinful relationship. He agreed. I even had him sign a contract affirming the agreement. The girlfriend was the abusive one, not him.
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Dear fellow members, what do I do with a friend like this?
I have a friend whom I've known for around 17 years. The last 8 years of our friendship, this friend has kept coming to me for money when he has been in a financial difficulty. Over the years, I would say that I have given him around $15,000 (and I say "given" because I knew he would never be able to pay me back so it was just given). Well, over 2 years ago, I got sick and tired of being his personal bank, so to speak. I told him to stop coming me for money. That I was not a bank he could go to every time a financial emergency came up. But he kept coming to me for money when he was in need and, out of pity, I would succuмb to giving him the money to help him in his emergency (after, of course, yelling at him and telling him that I was fed up of always giving him money).
I even stopped talking to my friend for a year once because of the money issue. A couple of years ago, after repeatedly telling him not to ever ask me for money again, I succuмbed to giving him money in a monetary emergency of his - but this time, lending him the money (not giving) on the condition that he had 2 weeks to pay me back (as he promised). I told him if he did not pay me back the money, then I would not talk to him until he did. Well, he never was able to hold up to his promise (that is why I never lent him money all these years but just gave it to him) and I did not talk to him for a year. After a year, when he still did not pay me back a penny, I just gave up and went back talking to him again (since the year of my not talking to him was punishment enough on him).
I have lost a lot of respect for my friend because of his always coming to me for money. I even sometimes feel nauseous. Even my former maid had less respect for him when she would witness me often giving him money. She would refer to him as "your son" because, she saw me like a mother to him more than a friend since he was coming to me for money like a kid to his parent.
Anyway, this is my situation: These past couple of weeks, he has again been coming to me for money. He is in a situation where, if he does not come up with $500, his RV will be towed away. He lives in his RV because he is poor and, because he failed to register it, he now has to pay not only for registration but also fines. The parking enforcement gave him one week or it will be towed. He needs the money by Monday. I told him to stop asking for money. That I was not going to help him. He still, in subtle hints, has been asking for help.
Would it be unchristianly of me to not give him the money, knowing that his RV in which he lives in could be towed away. I am really sick and tired of helping him out financially.
Anyway, my question.
Your friend doesnt have the problem , you do. First of all - if you want to be charitable - you could have given the same amount of money you have given him over the years to the Church - to St Vincent De Pauls - To any other Catholic charity where love of Neighbor would be served. Then - your "Friend" could go to the Charity for assistance if indeed assistance is what he truly needed.
Second , by encouraging this behavior - you have not done a service to this individual - you have been an enabler for more bad behavior. It comes to a point in time where either you cut the apron strings or accept that this individual is not going to change and that you are going to be guilted into supporting him. But that is a choice you have made. You are not sick and tired of helping him or you wouldnt do it.
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Dear fellow members, what do I do with a friend like this?
I have a friend whom I've known for around 17 years. The last 8 years of our friendship, this friend has kept coming to me for money when he has been in a financial difficulty. Over the years, I would say that I have given him around $15,000 (and I say "given" because I knew he would never be able to pay me back so it was just given). Well, over 2 years ago, I got sick and tired of being his personal bank, so to speak. I told him to stop coming me for money. That I was not a bank he could go to every time a financial emergency came up. But he kept coming to me for money when he was in need and, out of pity, I would succuмb to giving him the money to help him in his emergency (after, of course, yelling at him and telling him that I was fed up of always giving him money).
I even stopped talking to my friend for a year once because of the money issue. A couple of years ago, after repeatedly telling him not to ever ask me for money again, I succuмbed to giving him money in a monetary emergency of his - but this time, lending him the money (not giving) on the condition that he had 2 weeks to pay me back (as he promised). I told him if he did not pay me back the money, then I would not talk to him until he did. Well, he never was able to hold up to his promise (that is why I never lent him money all these years but just gave it to him) and I did not talk to him for a year. After a year, when he still did not pay me back a penny, I just gave up and went back talking to him again (since the year of my not talking to him was punishment enough on him).
I have lost a lot of respect for my friend because of his always coming to me for money. I even sometimes feel nauseous. Even my former maid had less respect for him when she would witness me often giving him money. She would refer to him as "your son" because, she saw me like a mother to him more than a friend since he was coming to me for money like a kid to his parent.
Anyway, this is my situation: These past couple of weeks, he has again been coming to me for money. He is in a situation where, if he does not come up with $500, his RV will be towed away. He lives in his RV because he is poor and, because he failed to register it, he now has to pay not only for registration but also fines. The parking enforcement gave him one week or it will be towed. He needs the money by Monday. I told him to stop asking for money. That I was not going to help him. He still, in subtle hints, has been asking for help.
Would it be unchristianly of me to not give him the money, knowing that his RV in which he lives in could be towed away. I am really sick and tired of helping him out financially.
Anyway, my question.
Your friend doesnt have the problem , you do. First of all - if you want to be charitable - you could have given the same amount of money you have given him over the years to the Church - to St Vincent De Pauls - To any other Catholic charity where love of Neighbor would be served. Then - your "Friend" could go to the Charity for assistance if indeed assistance is what he truly needed.
Second , by encouraging this behavior - you have not done a service to this individual - you have been an enabler for more bad behavior. It comes to a point in time where either you cut the apron strings or accept that this individual is not going to change and that you are going to be guilted into supporting him. But that is a choice you have made. You are not sick and tired of helping him or you wouldnt do it.
You are wrong. I AM sick and tired of helping him. I continued helping him only because of my compassion. From now on, I need to learn to be more cold hearted.
But I talked to my priest today and he told me that I should stop helping him, even if my friend would lose his home if I did not help him. My priest was actually upset that my friend would have come to me to ask money. He said that he has been many times without food or in a financial straits, but he has not asked his own parishioners for help.
My friend got mad at the priest for advising me to not help him in the future.
I am feeling sick to my stomach with people expecting me to help them because they think I have money.
Even a devout and good Catholic I once was friends with had the audacity to get angry at me for not offering help to them. They were going through a situation where they thought they might have nowhere to live so they suggested that I ask my father to rent a house so they could move in with me. I told them that I was not going to ask my father to pay for a house so that they could have somewhere to live. I told them that I already felt guilty about all the money my father has spent on me in the past. Well this Catholic friend got into an argument with me for one hour over how I was their friend and had to be there for them if they needed it and how I should ask my father. I argued back that that was my father's money and I was not going to ask my father to give me money so that I could help them. Can you believe this! And mind you, this is a good, devout Catholic who even felt like I owed it to them.
Stop thinking people with money are obligated to help you! Especially, if you are a man and are asking the help of a woman. My last boyfriend was a true man. Even when he needed the money, he never asked me and, even when I insisted and tried to force it (out of compassion), he refused to accept my financial help. Now that is a man! And even though he was poor, he would always fight with me to pay for the bill when we went out to eat. That is a real man!
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Your friend doesnt have the problem , you do. First of all - if you want to be charitable - you could have given the same amount of money you have given him over the years to the Church - to St Vincent De Pauls - To any other Catholic charity where love of Neighbor would be served.
That's crazy. We have special obligations to friends. Just hand the money to St. Vincent de Paul - that's lunacy.
Then - your "Friend" could go to the Charity for assistance if indeed assistance is what he truly needed.
Second , by encouraging this behavior - you have not done a service to this individual - you have been an enabler for more bad behavior. It comes to a point in time where either you cut the apron strings or accept that this individual is not going to change and that you are going to be guilted into supporting him. But that is a choice you have made. You are not sick and tired of helping him or you wouldnt do it.
Some people are poor and don't have a lot of options. Particularly men saddled with child support. I bet you wouldn't have this attitude of the man was taking care of his child directly and the money was being spent on the child. But you relish the thought of kicking that guy out on the street and upbraid anyone who would help him.
Many "devout" conservatives seem prone to sadism.
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But I talked to my priest today and he told me that I should stop helping him, even if my friend would lose his home if I did not help him. My priest was actually upset that my friend would have come to me to ask money. He said that he has been many times without food or in a financial straits, but he has not asked his own parishioners for help.
Priests typically support themselves? I bet your friend would like to walk in a priest's shoes for a day.
My friend got mad at the priest for advising me to not help him in the future.
You can let the dogs lick your friend's sores. The priest is a-okay with it.
I am feeling sick to my stomach with people expecting me to help them because they think I have money.
Well if you don't have the money to give don't give it. But don't pretend it's some horrible burden or dilemma. Most people have far more serious things to worry about.
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It WAS a serious dilemma for me because I was torn between the Christian obligation to help those in need and my disgust at having a friend develop the habit of coming to me for financial emergency like I was his mother or a bank. I know others have more serious problems, but when has someone not been allowed to post on Cathinfo for advice, even on small matters?
I can show you a few posts of members asking even more unimportant questions like mine. It may be unimportant to you, but it is a dilemma for me.
I relish the thought of kicking him out? I'm prone to sadism? How dare you say that. You don't even know what I've done for this guy because of my compassion for his situation.
We have obligation to help friends but not when they've made it a habit.
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I can show you a few posts of members asking even more unimportant questions like mine. It may be unimportant to you, but it is a dilemma for me.
You seem awfully worked up over $200-$250. Like I said above, what if he weren't paying child support, but was caring directly for the child, and needed the money for something the child needed?
I relish the thought of kicking him out? I'm prone to sadism? How dare you say that.
That wasn't a response to you. That was the response to the person who said the problem was with you, and said that you should have given the money to St. Vincent de Paul.
You don't even know what I've done for this guy because of my compassion for his situation.
You've already said what you've done.
We have obligation to help friends but not when they've made it a habit.
Right. So what if you were giving him the money to him to help his child? Would you say the same thing?
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I'll tell you, this is a problem I have many "Christians" in this society.
It's not the person asking the question, but the people who are so eager to tell her that she let her friend have his dwelling towed away.
The man has an income, and about half of it goes to support a child.
And the response is: he's a bum taking advantage, you're enabling him, kick him on the street.
People like that make Christian charity a joke.
I've never said the person asking the question is required to help her friend.