I don't think gender has much to do with it. Again, not pressuring you into it, but playing devil's advocate.

When you say the "man is supposed to be paying for the woman" it gives the impression there is or was or may be a romantic relationship. That's the only time I know of when men are expected to be providers. If you are frustrated by having allowed yourself to be a sugar momma too many times, that's a whole different ball game. (Not asking for an explanation, I'm just saying)

But if it's simply a case of being a benefactor, who is the man or the woman doesn't make a difference. Think of St Elizabeth of Hungary for example. Would she have refused aid or been repulsed because she was a woman and among the needy were men? I doubt it. There were female saints who earned or were left fortunes and disposed of them charitably with no regard for gender. At that point they aren't looking for mates, they are doing God's work, it's different.

As for the rest of it, it does sound frustrating. I don't think anyone questions why you are at the end of your rope. But it really is up to you to factor those things into your decision whether to keep going with this or put a stop to it. A big question for me would be if his incompetence is due to bad will or just a lesser intellect. If it's bad will then I guess at some point he should feel the effects. If it's just a lesser intellect and lesser means, he may truly need your help. Even if that help means, as others have stated, finding other resources and organizations that are created for that purpose.

I know that. I've helped homeless men. That is different.

I was going on zero sleep when I wrote the first post so, as a matter of justice to my friend, I wish to say that I miscalculated how much I have given him all these years. I believe it is more like $10,000 than $15,000.

OP, I have a question: you said that you made him promise to something when you loaned him money for the car. Does he have a substance abuse problem, and if so, is that where your money went?

No, he does not have a substance abuse problem. I gave him the money on the condition that he leave an abusive, destructive, and sinful relationship. He agreed. I even had him sign a contract affirming the agreement. The girlfriend was the abusive one, not him.

Quote from: Guest

Dear fellow members, what do I do with a friend like this?

I have a friend whom I've known for around 17 years. The last 8 years of our friendship, this friend has kept coming to me for money when he has been in a financial difficulty. Over the years, I would say that I have given him around $15,000 (and I say "given" because I knew he would never be able to pay me back so it was just given). Well, over 2 years ago, I got sick and tired of being his personal bank, so to speak. I told him to stop coming me for money. That I was not a bank he could go to every time a financial emergency came up. But he kept coming to me for money when he was in need and, out of pity, I would succuмb to giving him the money to help him in his emergency (after, of course, yelling at him and telling him that I was fed up of always giving him money).

I even stopped talking to my friend for a year once because of the money issue. A couple of years ago, after repeatedly telling him not to ever ask me for money again, I succuмbed to giving him money in a monetary emergency of his - but this time, lending him the money (not giving) on the condition that he had 2 weeks to pay me back (as he promised). I told him if he did not pay me back the money, then I would not talk to him until he did. Well, he never was able to hold up to his promise (that is why I never lent him money all these years but just gave it to him) and I did not talk to him for a year. After a year, when he still did not pay me back a penny, I just gave up and went back talking to him again (since the year of my not talking to him was punishment enough on him).

I have lost a lot of respect for my friend because of his always coming to me for money. I even sometimes feel nauseous. Even my former maid had less respect for him when she would witness me often giving him money. She would refer to him as "your son" because, she saw me like a mother to him more than a friend since he was coming to me for money like a kid to his parent.

Anyway, this is my situation: These past couple of weeks, he has again been coming to me for money. He is in a situation where, if he does not come up with $500, his RV will be towed away. He lives in his RV because he is poor and, because he failed to register it, he now has to pay not only for registration but also fines. The parking enforcement gave him one week or it will be towed. He needs the money by Monday. I told him to stop asking for money. That I was not going to help him. He still, in subtle hints, has been asking for help.

Would it be unchristianly of me to not give him the money, knowing that his RV in which he lives in could be towed away. I am really sick and tired of helping him out financially.




Anyway, my question.

Your friend doesnt have the problem , you do.  First of all - if you want to be charitable - you could have given the same amount of money you have given him over the years to the Church - to St Vincent De Pauls - To any other Catholic charity where love of Neighbor would be served.   Then - your "Friend" could go to the Charity for assistance if indeed assistance is what he truly needed.

Second , by encouraging this behavior - you have not done a service to this individual - you have been an enabler for more bad behavior. It comes to a point in time where either you cut the apron strings or accept that this individual is not going to change and that you are going to be guilted into supporting him. But that is a choice you have made. You are not sick and tired of helping him or you wouldnt do it.

You are wrong. I AM sick and tired of helping him. I continued helping him only because of my compassion. From now on, I need to learn to be more cold hearted.

But I talked to my priest today and he told me that I should stop helping him, even if my friend would lose his home if I did not help him. My priest was actually upset that my friend would have come to me to ask money. He said that he has been many times without food or in a financial straits, but he has not asked his own parishioners for help.

My friend got mad at the priest for advising me to not help him in the future.  

I am feeling sick to my stomach with people expecting me to help them because they think I have money.

Even a devout and good Catholic I once was friends with had the audacity to get angry at me for not offering help to them. They were going through a situation where they thought they might have nowhere to live so they suggested that I ask my father to rent a house so they could move in with me. I told them that I was not going to ask my father to pay for a house so that they could have somewhere to live. I told them that I already felt guilty about all the money my father has spent on me in the past. Well this Catholic friend got into an argument with me for one hour over how I was their friend and had to be there for them if they needed it and how I should ask my father. I argued back that that was my father's money and I was not going to ask my father to give me money so that I could help them. Can you believe this! And mind you, this is a good, devout Catholic who even felt like I owed it to them.

Stop thinking people with money are obligated to help you! Especially, if you are a man and are asking the help of a woman. My last boyfriend was a true man.  Even when he needed the money, he never asked me and, even when I insisted and tried to force it (out of compassion), he refused to accept my financial help. Now that is a man! And even though he was poor, he would always fight with me to pay for the bill when we went out to eat. That is a real man!

But I talked to my priest today and he told me that I should stop helping him, even if my friend would lose his home if I did not help him. My priest was actually upset that my friend would have come to me to ask money. He said that he has been many times without food or in a financial straits, but he has not asked his own parishioners for help.

Priests typically support themselves?  I bet your friend would like to walk in a priest's shoes for a day.

My friend got mad at the priest for advising me to not help him in the future.

You can let the dogs lick your friend's sores.  The priest is a-okay with it.

I am feeling sick to my stomach with people expecting me to help them because they think I have money.

Well if you don't have the money to give don't give it.  But don't pretend it's some horrible burden or dilemma.  Most people have far more serious things to worry about.  

I can show you a few posts of members asking even more unimportant questions like mine. It may be unimportant to you, but it is a dilemma for me.

You seem awfully worked up over $200-$250.  Like I said above, what if he weren't paying child support, but was caring directly for the child, and needed the money for something the child needed?
 

I relish the thought of kicking him out? I'm prone to sadism? How dare you say that.

That wasn't a response to you.  That was the response to the person who said the problem was with you, and said that you should have given the money to St. Vincent de Paul.

You don't even know what I've done for this guy because of my compassion for his situation.

You've already said what you've done.

We have obligation to help friends but not when they've made it a habit.

Right.  So what if you were giving him the money to him to help his child?  Would you say the same thing?