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Anonymous

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Vasectomy and hurt spouse
« on: January 14, 2019, 09:36:04 AM »
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  • Almost two years ago, maybe a year ago, my husband got a vasectomy. I begged, I prayed, I pleaded, I remained quite with hope. He still did it. I use to pride myself on being able to get over things easily with Gods help. I caught he watching porn? Fine, I’m over it in a day. He’d break my trust talking with his ex? Fine, I forgive you. It wouldn’t affect our intimacy. I’d find a spiritual healing in it knowing we were fulfilling Gods plan. Now, I can’t find it. I feel empty, and instead of being happy my husband is attracted to me, desires me, and want to be with me. I find it a chore. I don’t know what to do. He refuses to get it undone because he has plans for us... he wants to travel with me, and spoil me... I wanted him to spoil me with babies. I also find that his disconnect with God is causing an even bigger disconnect with us. Please, I love him. I never would leave, and he hasn’t my heart. I’m asking for prayers, and suggestions. How do I get over this? How do I let this go, and let God handle it? 

    Anonymous

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #1 on: January 14, 2019, 09:38:45 AM »
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  • I want this to not be mistaken as an excuse to say bad things about him. He is my husband in God, and I need sound spiritual advice. 


    Anonymous

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #2 on: January 14, 2019, 10:11:26 AM »
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  • I don't think something like this is meant to get over but to be endured until God removes the thorn... if he does. The most bitter disappointments often give us the momentum we need to enter into a new stage of spiritual growth. From my perspective, the fact that you aren't blaming God is a major victory in and of itself!

    One major advantage you may have going as a woman is if your husband sees how truly hurt you are by this decision, he may relent. Which means if you feel like crying about it, don't hide your tears from him. Don't shout at him or raise your voice, but I think it's only fair that he should see the effect he's having on you. Don't fake the tears obviously, but if it's one thing that can pierce a man's heart who still has a shred of good will inside, it's seeing the woman he loves truly crumble in front of him.

    I will also say that if you are newly married and it can be determined that he never intended on having children with you to begin with, you may have grounds for an annulment. 

    Offline Ladislaus

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #3 on: January 14, 2019, 10:18:36 AM »
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  • Well, he may be your husband in God, but your husband is not in God.

    I don't know what to say.  Every act of intimacy with you entails a sin on his part ... due to the vasectomy and his refusal to even attempt to reverse it.

    If you truly are as close to your husband as you claim, then tell him exactly how you feel.  Tell him that, because of his refusal to have children, you have lost interest in sexual intimacy.  And tell him he can go on these trips by himself.  Tell him that you couldn't even enjoy them because they would themselves be a constant reminder of why you are able to take them ... his refusal to have children.  If he doesn't care, then perhaps your affections are misplaced.

    This guy sounds like an amoral jackass ... between the porn, talking to his ex, and his refusal to have children.

    Offline Ladislaus

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #4 on: January 14, 2019, 10:22:11 AM »
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  • I will also say that if you are newly married and it can be determined that he never intended on having children with you to begin with, you may have grounds for an annulment.

    THIS^^^ ... even if you are not newly married.


    Anonymous

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #5 on: January 14, 2019, 10:28:13 AM »
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  • This guy sounds like an immoral jackass ... between the porn, talking to his ex, and his refusal to have children.
    Fixed it for you.
    Breathing or going to the bathroom is amoral -- i.e., without morality. Neither virtuous nor vicious.
    Stealing a car is IMmoral -- against morality, or in violation of morality.
    I think you meant the latter.

    Offline Matthew

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #6 on: January 14, 2019, 10:28:52 AM »
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  • If he didn't intend to have children, that is not a valid marriage. You have grounds for an annulment.
    Start your Amazon.com session by clicking this link, and my family and I get a commission on your purchase!

    Anonymous

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #7 on: January 14, 2019, 10:49:03 AM »
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  • If it’s a sin on his part. Should I refuse him? That would make things so much harder..... but I don’t want to risk him anymore then he’s already risked. Would it be a sin on me if I didn’t refuse him? 


    The problem I run into with talking to him is he has forbidden any sort of mention to it. I’m not allowed to bring it up. 


    He did want children, but after our last he decided it was to expensive. He couldn’t divide his time up with each child enough. He works 9-13 hour days sometimes. 


    Offline SusanneT

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #8 on: January 14, 2019, 10:58:45 AM »
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  • The sin here is totally on the part of the husband.

    I do not believe that as a Godly wife you should refuse intimacy, however you should not in any way encourage or initiate it, you should remain completely open to life yourself and, in my view pray for either a change of heart by your husband or that God blesses your womb despite your husband's sin. 

    Offline Croixalist

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #9 on: January 14, 2019, 11:01:05 AM »
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  • If it’s a sin on his part. Should I refuse him? That would make things so much harder..... but I don’t want to risk him anymore then he’s already risked. Would it be a sin on me if I didn’t refuse him?


    The problem I run into with talking to him is he has forbidden any sort of mention to it. I’m not allowed to bring it up.


    He did want children, but after our last he decided it was to expensive. He couldn’t divide his time up with each child enough. He works 9-13 hour days sometimes.
    Oh, that's a tricky one. Looks like the marriage is valid after all. Obviously he is sinning with his approach to the marital act now, but I would think you wouldn't be at fault for fulfilling the marriage debt. That would be a good question for a traditional priest in the know. But otherwise, it looks like you're in for a long struggle here. There is always the small chance his vasectomy could fail, but brace yourself now for the state of sin he has consigned himself to. When the devil has an ear, he rarely let's go without a costly struggle.  
    Fortuna finem habet.

    Anonymous

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #10 on: January 14, 2019, 11:16:16 AM »
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  • If my husband were to have a vasectomy, the first thing I would do is to refuse him the marital debt, until he gets the vasectomy reversed. 


    Anonymous

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #11 on: January 14, 2019, 11:17:20 AM »
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  • Who's the "ex"? Was he married before?

    Offline Ladislaus

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #12 on: January 14, 2019, 11:18:27 AM »
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  • Fixed it for you.
    Breathing or going to the bathroom is amoral -- i.e., without morality. Neither virtuous nor vicious.
    Stealing a car is IMmoral -- against morality, or in violation of morality.
    I think you meant the latter.

    Yes, I meant from the perspective of the subject, meaning he just doesn't care and does what he wants.  From the perspective of the object, yes I meant the latter.

    Anonymous

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #13 on: January 14, 2019, 11:19:36 AM »
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  • If my husband were to have a vasectomy, the first thing I would do is to refuse him the marital debt, until he gets the vasectomy reversed.
    If he doesn't reverse it, then I would consider this as just cause for separation. This is very grave matter.
    If you do nothing, he will do nothing. 

    Anonymous

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    Re: Vasectomy and hurt spouse
    « Reply #14 on: January 14, 2019, 11:20:51 AM »
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  • Yes, theological sources have been posted here before which states that the woman does not sin to render the debt in these cases.  But it is my opinion that withholding the debt would be justified as well, since the husband has robbed the wife of the proper use of his body (to the end of procreation).

     

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