Catholic Info
Traditional Catholic Faith => Anσnymσus Posts Allowed => Topic started by: Änσnymσus on April 24, 2022, 10:12:18 PM
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I'm actually going crazy. I told my wife I realized the only thing between me and killing myself was God and my love for His commandments and that I am worried my bond with God is weakening. To be clear I don't want to be an atheist with nothing to lose, I think I love God and want Him. I then got caught in a feedback loop thinking that stating this was a mortal sin. I also realized, in this moment, that this continuous feedback loop between me stating a fact about something sinful or describing reality is the cause of almost all of my sins lately.
The bad thing is twofold causing these behavioral loops, as of late I'm unable to have mental prayer and I always feel like I can't pray when I'm tempted to be angry, impatient or despair. This makes me conclude I'm actually losing faith. Recently, and I'm not sure how, my spiritual director will no longer advise me on anything unless it directly has to do with the confessional. I'm not sure if I'm becoming difficult or annoying but I do not want to stretch any traditional priest too thin and I am not entitled to his time whatsoever.
I need prayers but advice too. It would seem I need a new spiritual director, a focus on mental prayer, and somehow working on the virtue of patience. I realize that these problems are all rooted in patience but the even deeper problem than that is my conscious is altogether broken. Something very dramatic has happened in my mind this last month that has made me entirely unable to examine my own conscious accurately and almost any sin sends me into a panic of doom. I know my wife is trying to help me and she is absolutely wonderful but this really isn't her burden to bear.
Any advice would be very appreciated. God bless you all.
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:pray:
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:pray:
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:pray::pray::pray:
In extremity often what is needed is few words. My advice is to repeat the Holy names, Jesus, Mary, over and over as long as necessary. Preferably mentally but vocally if you must. Just focus the best that you can.
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Sounds like a demonic obsession. Do your best to control your thoughts. Confess the temptation (along with actual sins). Try to get to the root of the problem, it might take a while. In the mean time: Litany of the Precious Blood. Litany of Humility. St Benedict Crucifix over the bed. Sign of the cross with Holy Water. I'd even drink some too if I was you. St Joseph Prayer (the big one). And St Joseph Terror of Demons, pray for us.
:pray:
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Sounds like a demonic obsession. Do your best to control your thoughts. Confess the temptation (along with actual sins). Try to get to the root of the problem, it might take a while. In the mean time: Litany of the Precious Blood. Litany of Humility. St Benedict Crucifix over the bed. Sign of the cross with Holy Water. I'd even drink some too if I was you. St Joseph Prayer (the big one). And St Joseph Terror of Demons, pray for us.
:pray:
Forgot to add, I’d do those vocally if you agree it’s the devil. That will slap him better. Expect to get slapped back too at first.
You need to be doing mental prayer too - 15 minutes a day (at least the Rosary)
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Forgot to add, I’d do those vocally if you agree it’s the devil. That will slap him better. Expect to get slapped back too at first.
You need to be doing mental prayer too - 15 minutes a day (at least the Rosary)
I'm sure that you are trying to help, and please excuse my bluntness, but advising someone who is obviously overwrought and prone to scrupulosity to go toe to toe with the devil is extremely dangerous and just plain stupid.
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There are businesses and things that run themselves. Sometimes people can be like that too. It's the process that counts, and a good process can just run itself. One just needs a good process and let it run itself. It can be the background or you can be the background. If it's good, It's sort of trinitarian. It just runs ABC 123 ...
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:pray:
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Sounds like it's related to scruples and could involve obsessive-compulsive disorder. Really the best way to combat this is to submit completely to your confessor. Sometimes the scrupulous tend to act as if they "know better" than their spiritual director, and perhaps that's why you taxed this priest's patience. You have to allow your spiritual director's judgment to be your judgment. So if he decides you haven't committed a mortal sin, then you haven't. Period. Your opinion doesn't matter. And God will not hold you accountable if your spiritual director happens to be mistaken.
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My 2 cents, for what they're worth:
I have been in your exact boat. It is not a good place to be.
It IS your wife's job to help you, as two became one. My spouse didn't help me and it was VERY difficult for me to tie a knot in the rope and hang on all alone.
Most priests don't have time for such a person, nor are they trained properly in how to handle such a person. Can't tell you how many spiritual advisors I went through before I decided to leave them alone except in the confessional or when he asks how you are doing.
I will get slapped around here for this, but I enlisted a Christian counseling group for help. Couldn't find a Catholic one. Had counseling twice a week for years to slowly help me heal. The group made healing slower than if I had a one-on-one counselor, but it was important for me to see that i was not alone, that there are others who are going through what i was. Also, others were in a different position along the path of healing, so i could see i CAN recover.
While healing, it became very difficult to pray any rote prayers, so I just started noticing God everywhere: in the movement of the trees, in the beautiful sunsets, in the smell of the flowers, in the feeling of a warm hug from my child, in the taste of yogurt, etc. This is not to say I didn't pray. When I noticed such, I always said, "thank you, God, for loving me. You know I love you." During the day I also thought of the Holy Family and especially St. Joseph.
It has taken a long time, and I still go to group counseling now and then, but I am back. I am healthy and my Faith has never been stronger.
I hope you find your path to healing. God loves you. That is ALL that matters. Love him back, as best as you can right now. He understands you are human.
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Some men may need a B complex shot. Once a month. I don't know your age. I does make you feel better. If the demon give you a negative thought, you know the truth. for every negative, a truth. Example : that sin is forgiven.
Precious Blood is needed, which is in all sacraments, and in sacramentals such as the Rosary. concentrate on the Passions of Christ.
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OP here I am losing my faith entirely. I sincerely want a clean tender conscious but I struggle every day so much with examining my conscious and at this point it would be abusive of the sacrament of penance to approach it. I can't tell at all where I stand with God, ever. I realize I usually assume I am guilty and this is an abuse of the sacrament, but if I don't assume I am guilty then I fear I am abusing the sacrament by being too lax. The seemingly subjective element in all of this is just eroding faith and I am too broken to be honest with God or myself in a meaningful way. No matter what I will always suspect I am not being honest with myself or go back and forth on these matters for hours. I just dont know anymore.
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OP here I am losing my faith entirely.
St. Paul says that "faith cometh by hearing" so presuming that you're striving to live a Catholic life, if you want to stop from losing the faith and instead grow in the faith, here are about 150 good, traditional Catholic sermons (https://onedrive.live.com/?authkey=!AHbIixhbBamKRxU&cid=71FDE4AE18A68259&id=71FDE4AE18A68259!318&parId=root&action=locate), interviews and talks given by Fr. Wathen. Listen to some of them like people listen to music on the radio, iow repeatedly every single day. The link is all set up to easily download them all to your computer or phone, but listen to them - start today.
If you do this, please come back with an update after a few weeks or months or whatever and let us know your condition.
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OP here I am losing my faith entirely. I sincerely want a clean tender conscious but I struggle every day so much with examining my conscious and at this point it would be abusive of the sacrament of penance to approach it. I can't tell at all where I stand with God, ever. I realize I usually assume I am guilty and this is an abuse of the sacrament, but if I don't assume I am guilty then I fear I am abusing the sacrament by being too lax. The seemingly subjective element in all of this is just eroding faith and I am too broken to be honest with God or myself in a meaningful way. No matter what I will always suspect I am not being honest with myself or go back and forth on these matters for hours. I just dont know anymore.
Stop obsessing about yourself. Scruples comes from self-absorption and pride. Make acts of love for God for His sake and not for yours. You need to snap out of this self pity. If you live to love and serve God (rather than to save yourself), then saving yourself takes care of itself.
Scrupulous people are arrogant. We’ve already told you to put yourself under total obedience to your confessor. Let him decide for you what is grave sin and what isn’t. Your distorted opinion is irrelevant. That’s the only remedy. But some of the more extreme scrupulous refuse to submit their own judgment and continue to second guess their confessor. Stop that nonsense. Snap out of this self pity and self absorption. You need to tell God: “If I am lost, then glory to you. I want to love you and serve you as well as I can anyway.” What you need is a bucket of cold water thrown on your head to snap you out of this.
Go to confession whether you “feel like” it or not, tell the priest what’s going on, and let him decide whether to absolve you or not. If he decides to absolve, you’re absolved ... unless you deliberately conceal mortal sin. But in your warped state of mind, everything is mortal sin. Tell your confessor to determine for you what’s mortal and what isn’t.
Also sounds like you could use some anti-anxiety meds.
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If your spiritual director has lost patience with you, it’s likely because you refuse to submit your judgment to his ... in which case you’re just wasting his time constantly second-guessing him and telling him you that your warped mind has a better grasp on reality than his judgment.
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C'mon Lad, don't tell the guy (or girl) to get on meds. Meds to most people are pharmaJєωticals and people don't need to be on that trash.
OP, for someone that has had anxiety, one thing that really helped me was St. John's Wort. I take about a 900 mg per day and no longer have anxiety issues and it helps calm my often racing mind. It should not be taken with "meds" though and please do proper research on it before trying it to see if it's right for you and how much to take. Passion Flower is another anti-anxiety plant that works a little differently that also may be of benefit to you.
I also used to be scrupulous and what helped me get away from that was reading good Catholic Books and praying to be released from it after recognizing (being shown) that's what was going on with me. Don't focus too much on... (nervous mind) "...a...aa.....am I Catholic?," "...a....aaa....am I in a State of Grace..I HAVE to know...," etc. I've seen a couple people fall into this and end up saying and believing things like we haven't had a true pope in 1000 years.
Focus on prayer, penance, fasting, almsgiving and living like a Catholic should and let God do what He Will's with you.
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If your spiritual director has lost patience with you, it’s likely because you refuse to submit your judgment to his ... in which case you’re just wasting his time constantly second-guessing him and telling him you that your warped mind has a better grasp on reality than his judgment.
Did I miss something? Did he say such?
Not all spiritual advisors walk away because we refuse to submit. Sometimes they don't know how to help or are overwhelmed by anxiety of the issue.
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C'mon Lad, don't tell the guy (or girl) to get on meds. Meds to most people are pharmaJєωticals and people don't need to be on that trash.
OP, for someone that has had anxiety, one thing that really helped me was St. John's Wort. I take about a 900 mg per day and no longer have anxiety issues and it helps calm my often racing mind. It should not be taken with "meds" though and please do proper research on it before trying it to see if it's right for you and how much to take. Passion Flower is another anti-anxiety plant that works a little differently that also may be of benefit to you.
I also used to be scrupulous and what helped me get away from that was reading good Catholic Books and praying to be released from it after recognizing (being shown) that's what was going on with me. Don't focus too much on... (nervous mind) "...a...aa.....am I Catholic?," "...a....aaa....am I in a State of Grace..I HAVE to know...," etc. I've seen a couple people fall into this and end up saying and believing things like we haven't had a true pope in 1000 years.
Focus on prayer, penance, fasting, almsgiving and living like a Catholic should and let God do what He Will's with you.
Excellent!
I take 5HTP at night to help me sleep and ashwaganda during the daytime. I switch every month between ashwaganda and white willow bark drops since it is not a good idea to take an herb more than one month at a time.
Trust in the Holy Family, do what you can, and let God do what He wills in your life.
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If your spiritual director has lost patience with you, it’s likely because you refuse to submit your judgment to his ... in which case you’re just wasting his time constantly second-guessing him and telling him you that your warped mind has a better grasp on reality than his judgment.
OP here. Thanks for your patience and help. I can see this in a sense but it is not exactly from the second guessing but because I have trouble calming anxieties. He told me I needed to seek some sort of medical help and I told him I couldn't trust any doctor. It is unfortunate. I will try the supplement route as this seems to be the best way to follow his advice without taking pharma poisons. I am very fearful of doctors because I was poisoned a lot as a child and my mind has been permanently damaged from it. I was put on medications against my will from ages 5-17 and no matter how torturous life is now it is infinitely better than before. If it is honestly God's will that I see a doctor then I guess I need to pray on this.
Stubborn thanks too. I primarily listen to spiritual content and do indulge in instrumental polyphony but only at night. At work and in the car I just listen to St. Francis de Sales and St. John M. Vianney lately. I tend to listen to Catholic audiobooks exclusively because any real world news or content is just aimed at stressing me out or brainwashing me. If you have any other suggestions please let me know because I do genuinely want out of this hole. Father Quadrupani is good too but my mind is so crazy that I can find many loopholes to his suggestions.
Anonymous posters thanks too. I am currently taking Magnesium, Citocoline, L-Theanine, Piracetam. I bought some Bacopa recently. I have 5-HTP.
God love you all.
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:pray:
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As the saints of old have done in such situations, do a 3 day fast eating nothing. This kind of demon only comes out with much prayer and fasting. As it is the apparition of michael the archangel today, ask him to defend you in battle.
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Stubborn thanks too. I primarily listen to spiritual content and do indulge in instrumental polyphony but only at night. At work and in the car I just listen to St. Francis de Sales and St. John M. Vianney lately. I tend to listen to Catholic audiobooks exclusively because any real world news or content is just aimed at stressing me out or brainwashing me. If you have any other suggestions please let me know because I do genuinely want out of this hole. Father Quadrupani is good too but my mind is so crazy that I can find many loopholes to his suggestions.
I've listened to a lot of different priests' talks and sermons, but for your particular situation as I see it, your faith needs a "shot of epinephrine" then nutrition, which is why I recommended listening to Fr. Wathen, who remained true to his ordination oath till his death.
While there are some very good sermon / talks from other of the indult priests out there, the best way I can put it, is that everyone one of them lacks what you are immediately in need of - in my opinion.
For me, I do not drive much any more so I mainly listen to Catholic sermons and talks on that link on my phone when I go to bed. Been doing it this way for about the last 15 years pretty much every night, mainly with the sermons from that link I posted and I recommend you do the same - and pray 15 decades of the rosary every single day.....start with only a few decades every day and work your way up if you must, but do it.
There are some things we Catholics must do for our hope of salvation, praying 15 decades daily is one of them.
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OP here. Thanks for your patience and help. I can see this in a sense but it is not exactly from the second guessing but because I have trouble calming anxieties. He told me I needed to seek some sort of medical help and I told him I couldn't trust any doctor. It is unfortunate. I will try the supplement route as this seems to be the best way to follow his advice without taking pharma poisons.
Turmeric is very effective, and quick acting, in reducing anxiety. I cook a lot of curries for that reason. Eggs are also very helpful, containing natural tryptophan. Sometimes I just sprinkle curry on my eggs and cheese.
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Turmeric is very effective, and quick acting, in reducing anxiety. I cook a lot of curries for that reason. Eggs are also very helpful, containing natural tryptophan. Sometimes I just sprinkle curry on my eggs and cheese.
If you want tryptophan, turkey is the #1 food.
Thanks for the tip about turmeric. I take it for inflammation.
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Hot sauce/salsa/hot spices if you can handle them are amazing.
I discovered this naturally by noticing a difference after eating them and looked them up and lo and behold---it's scientifically proven.
They are anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and anti-inflammatory. :)
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I take one Valerian and one St John's Wort capsule if I feel anxious or if I think I might based on what I will be doing (stressful work). I recently found and have tried Ashwagandha, which seems to help too, but will power and consciously trying to calm myself are always in use just in case. I still notice a difference with these herbs.
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Stop obsessing about yourself. Scruples comes from self-absorption and pride. Make acts of love for God for His sake and not for yours. You need to snap out of this self pity. If you live to love and serve God (rather than to save yourself), then saving yourself takes care of itself.
Scrupulous people are arrogant. We’ve already told you to put yourself under total obedience to your confessor. Let him decide for you what is grave sin and what isn’t. Your distorted opinion is irrelevant. That’s the only remedy. But some of the more extreme scrupulous refuse to submit their own judgment and continue to second guess their confessor. Stop that nonsense. Snap out of this self pity and self absorption. You need to tell God: “If I am lost, then glory to you. I want to love you and serve you as well as I can anyway.” What you need is a bucket of cold water thrown on your head to snap you out of this.
Go to confession whether you “feel like” it or not, tell the priest what’s going on, and let him decide whether to absolve you or not. If he decides to absolve, you’re absolved ... unless you deliberately conceal mortal sin. But in your warped state of mind, everything is mortal sin. Tell your confessor to determine for you what’s mortal and what isn’t.
Also sounds like you could use some anti-anxiety meds.
Narcissistic personality disorder aka PRIDE might also be involved. I've encountered people who were reprimanded by the pastor and even those close to them but they would self-justify by saying they've prayed over the matter and decided that the priest and others are wrong. Probably they've never heard of this thing called malformed consciences.
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Narcissistic personality disorder aka PRIDE might also be involved. I've encountered people who were reprimanded by the pastor and even those close to them but they would self-justify by saying they've prayed over the matter and decided that the priest and others are wrong. Probably they've never heard of this thing called malformed consciences.
Unquestioning obedience to your Confessor is the only real cure for scruples. I struggled with scruples myself (not to the extent OP describes), but to the point that I was always wondering if I was in mortal sin. That's a common condition when various thoughts pop into your head and you're confused about whether there was consent. In any case, my Confessor ordered me that unless I could basically swear to him that I had committed a mortal sin, I was not to refrain from Holy Communion and I was not to confess it as mortal sin. He told me that if I was mistaken, then the fault would lie with him and not me, and that God wants obedience more than anything else. So once you reconcile yourself to this mentality, to let your Confessor's judgment trump your own judgment, instead of always second-guessing him, that'll put your conscience at peace.
Now, I'm not talking about theological disputes, where it's OK for an individual Catholic to disagree with a priest, since this Crisis hasn't been sorted out by the Church ... but about internal forum matters and the application of moral theology.
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Worth trying OP
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IvJ15Ug6fc