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Anonymous

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Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
« on: June 24, 2019, 04:01:23 PM »
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  • My mother is a widow. Ideally I should be helping support her, since she has been unemployed for years, and only receives social security and some regular handouts from family and friends.

    Here is the problem. She has chained herself to 2 of my siblings, determined to support them like children forever. They are in their 30s. One of them (brother) works a low end job, and the other (sister) hasn't worked for 15 years. She doesn't have any disabilities, at least nothing official. She doesn't get SSI which is Social Security for the disabled. They haven't even signed up for free healthcare in their very liberal state which hands out Medicaid like candy. So how do you support your mother, when she tries to force you to be party to harming your siblings by coddling them forever? My mother is not going to live forever. When she passes on, what is going to become of these 2 freeloading siblings? They will end up literally homeless on the street. They don't live in a good area either. These siblings have been coddled and protected from the world and from being adults for many years now. They are not just unemployed or underemployed. They also have no street smarts whatsoever. My brother has a job, but he was homeschooled and spends all day gaming on the computer. Neither of them can drive, and neither has a license much less a car. They live in an area where you need a car, too. It is a mid-sized sprawled out city, not one of those big cities with a subway or where you can get by on foot. My mother has refused to nudge them out of the nest, and she won't even downsize her 1300 sq foot home, probably because she's still running a household of 3. Naturally, the house is falling apart without a man and/or funding to do maintenance. Yes, I said without a man. My brother only excels in the online gaming world. Once he leaves the keyboard, he's almost useless. Her house isn't paid off either. She lives in an area that lost a lot of value in the past 15 years. Even though she paid around $80K for the house in the 90's, she's still underwater on her mortgage. In fact, most family and friends have moved out of state at this point. So there aren't many left who can help out financially, much less take in people if a real crisis happened.

    So how do you help out Mom while refusing to give support to freeloading siblings? Does a mother forfeit her natural law right to support when she handcuffs herself to a couple of freeloaders and says, "You either support all of us, or none of us!" I'm so tempted to choose "none of us". It's not just about being unfair or unpleasant financially. It's positively harmful to continue to coddle these siblings in this way. In fact, if I hated their living guts I couldn't hurt them any more than by keeping them asleep, sending hundreds of dollars a month so they don't change anything. My sweet revenge of hate would bear fruit as soon as my mom passed away and they found themselves totally screwed. But I don't hate them, and don't want to see them in that position. So what do I do? I talk to my Mom and sister on occasion, but lately we only talk about the weather and superficial stuff, since I stopped trying to get them to change a long time ago. It wasn't worth the aggravation. My family can be very stubborn.

    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #1 on: June 24, 2019, 04:04:05 PM »
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  • It's like Pope Francis keeping the Jews asleep in their perfidy by keeping their false consciences asleep. He seems to be compassionate in the eyes of the world, by saying so many nice things to them, but in fact he is their worst enemy. The only way to truly love the Jews is to wish for their salvation, and that involves telling them they are not in the True Church and need to convert.


    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #2 on: June 24, 2019, 04:17:05 PM »
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  • Take care of yourself.  

    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #3 on: June 24, 2019, 04:22:53 PM »
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  • OP here.

    I wanted to underline the fact that by insisting on taking care of her thirtysomething "children", she has almost tripled her expenses. Her house is larger with more things to fall apart, she can't move into a small apartment where indoor/outdoor maintenance would be taken care of, and she spends more on gasoline, groceries, heating, electricity, water, sewer, medical care, you name it. Even her Internet bill is higher. If she were by herself, a cheaper connection would do. But not with a Millennial gamer in the house. She even kept her newer minivan because she wants to keep her old standard of living from before she lost her job and husband. I guess it's difficult to climb back down the ladder of success, at least for a baby boomer. Growing up she taught me that apartment dwellers were the dregs of society, with bad credit, drug problems, domestic violence, and other problems. I think that's why she can't bring herself to move into an apartment.

    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #4 on: June 24, 2019, 05:15:37 PM »
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  • You are not alone.  My parents are supporting (enabling)my sloth liberal sister and my sloth nieces.   My husband and I have helped them too.  And we have helped his side of the family too.  We finally cut his family.  I have cut back on mine too. 
    My 21 year old niece now lives with my parents.  She can go to Philly gay pride parade but can’t drive her grandfather to eye doctor.   She won’t even cut the lawn.   She doesn’t even speak to us.  Spoiled rotten brat atheist.  No more money because that is just enabling. It is sad.  I’m not sure about my other niece but she has been brainwashed by my sister and creepy school.  I was heartbroken for my husband because his nephew turned to drugs and my husband had to cut him off.  Many wants something for nothing.   I do give practical gifts blessed with holy water.  I have Masses said for them too. 

    Your thirty something siblings need to grow up and have their own families.  It is sinful to be sloth and play video games when he could be helping to repair the home.  Being Catholic mean working and praying.  When your brother is at work someone should throw the gaming system or cut wiring.  Your Mom is probably is still grieving and needs support and prayers.   She needs to cut her apron strings so her children can grow up and live their own lives.    

    I have noticed even traditional Catholic home schoolers in our area are very lazy addicted to tv, music and internet.   Many don’t help out at home or Church.  
    Very disappointing.  I can’t figure out why people home school their children and then send them to liberal universities where many end up being brainwashed.  And the parents wonder why they end up rebellious.   







    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #5 on: June 24, 2019, 05:49:28 PM »
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  • OP here.

    Yes, they need a strong male authority figure so bad it hurts. Especially for the brother. A strong father would have told him a long time ago to man up and cut the crap. I was told my brother earns a bit of spending money by giving online lessons in a certain video game he's good at. But still, $20 or $30 won't fix the roof. If he's not making enough money to pay a repairman, he needs to cut the kid crap (video games) and grow up. My mom has been a widow for over a decade. Nevertheless, I think she is still grieving somewhat. She seems to be dealing with her grief by holding on for dear life to the house, car, city that she shared with her husband, plus her 2 remaining "children" still living at home.  It's really messed up that my siblings don't drive in their 30's. And my mom gets more shut-in and averse to driving with every passing year. She barely leaves the house except for the grocery store or to drop off my brother at work.

    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #6 on: June 24, 2019, 06:47:57 PM »
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  • This is only a suggestion. Contribute as much as you can directly to your mother's expenses.  Pay her doctors, dentist, hairdresser directly.  Take her clothes shopping and pay for her clothes, only.  If she is mentally competent, you will need at some point soon to be direct with her.  You will not finance your lazy siblings.  

    You could try the "Dr. Phil" TV show technique if your finances allow. Pay for an apartment for your siblings with food and utilities for three months.  In the meantime, your mother moves into a more affordable senior residence, ie. 55+!  The house gets sold.  Your Mom will be cared for and your siblings learn what they should have learned at 18!  Swim or sink! (Or find someone else to take advantage of!)  I'm not a Dr. Phil fan, but my own parents did this with one of my siblings who thought he could use their home as a free boarding house between parties.  It worked like a charm.  After month #2, he got a job, then another job, then a third.  After that, he got his GED, enrolled in a vocational program and qualified for a living wage job. He met his wife at the workplace, not at a party. 
    If your siblings wish to marry and have children, they're delusional if they think a spouse will come looking for them on Mama's couch!  
    Today, he's happily married with four children and gainfully employed.  He lives in a condominium apartment.  Mom and Dad live in a retirement cottage, a gated 55+ community.  The original family home is occupied by my oldest brother and family.  They purchased it from my parents 15 years ago.

    I do agree that a number of homeschooling parents, not just Catholics, fail to prepare their offspring for adulthood.  

    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #7 on: June 24, 2019, 07:49:27 PM »
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  • This is only a suggestion. Contribute as much as you can directly to your mother's expenses.  Pay her doctors, dentist, hairdresser directly.  Take her clothes shopping and pay for her clothes, only.  If she is mentally competent, you will need at some point soon to be direct with her.  You will not finance your lazy siblings.  

    That is difficult to do for two reasons. 1. She is extremely tight-lipped about her finances. She prefers you just send her cash, no questions asked, and let her be completely in charge. She doesn't want people to offer any solutions or fixes other than turning over regular wads of cash every month. 2. She lives too far away for anything in person. Think: Los Angeles to New York kind of distance. That's probably why she's asking me for help (see #1). She knows the only way I could help her is to send cash. That's the way she likes it.


    Online Nadir

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #8 on: June 24, 2019, 08:36:30 PM »
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  • That is difficult to do for two reasons. 1. She is extremely tight-lipped about her finances. She prefers you just send her cash, no questions asked, and let her be completely in charge. She doesn't want people to offer any solutions or fixes other than turning over regular wads of cash every month. 2. She lives too far away for anything in person. Think: Los Angeles to New York kind of distance. That's probably why she's asking me for help (see #1). She knows the only way I could help her is to send cash. That's the way she likes it.
    She sounds very manipulative. I would say that, if she wants you to supprt her, she should be more open and considerate towards you. You must tell her that, laying all your cards on the table.
    There must be a way that you can help her without helping your lazy siblings. Plan ahead. How often can you see her? Isn't it possible to organise a buyup for what she needs or an account for her basic needs without supporting your brother and sister?


    Quote
    She doesn't get SSI which is Social Security for the disabled. They haven't even signed up for free healthcare in their very liberal state which hands out Medicaid like candy. So how do you support your mother, when she tries to force you to be party to harming your siblings by coddling them forever? 
    I just reread you first post. It seems you are just going to have to be strong for her own good too., not just for your peace and the matuing of you brother and sister.




    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #9 on: June 25, 2019, 06:12:31 AM »
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  • This is really a very bad situation for all involved. I am wondering if you have spoken to your brother and sister about their problem and that if they're going to live with mom, then it is their responsibility to help pay the bills and clean and fix the place as needed. Actually, it's still their responsibility (and yours) to help mom in whatever ways they can, regardless of where they live.

    I imagine you'd do better by speaking to the wall than by speaking to them, but I did not see any mention of you speaking to them.








    Offline Quo vadis Domine

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #10 on: June 25, 2019, 07:58:38 AM »
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  • Does she have food? Does she have clothing? Does she have a shelter? If the answer is yes to all three, then it seems to me you are not obliged to do anything extra. If she can still pay for the internet, she’s fine at this point and doesn’t need financial assistance from you.


    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #11 on: June 25, 2019, 02:50:03 PM »
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  • Does she have food? Does she have clothing? Does she have a shelter? If the answer is yes to all three, then it seems to me you are not obliged to do anything extra. If she can still pay for the internet, she’s fine at this point and doesn’t need financial assistance from you.
    That's a good point. They have cable Internet. She hasn't mentioned losing her house yet, though she did mention her gas oven started making big loud noises. They stopped using it for safety reasons. I also have no idea how much or how little my brother is helping out. He currently works 25 hours a week at a home improvement store. I know he has two hobbies: online gaming and body building. I don't know how much he spends monthly on each. But I hope he's giving most of his money to the household, since it's his house too. But again, my mom is completely tight-lipped about finances. She acts like nothing that goes on there is any of my business. Even though she's asking me for help and pointing to the family bond.
    By the way, I forgot to mention an important point: things got shaken up a bit recently, since a close family member just passed away recently and I believe that family member was making substantial donations on a monthly basis. My mom wrote me an e-mail saying we should talk, I scheduled a video chat, and during that video chat she starting tossing all kinds of strong hints that I should help them out. I played dumb. Then she wrote me an e-mail outright asking for help, which is why I started this thread. But as always, everything is extremely vague. She doesn't want to share any more information with me than she shares with the mailman, which I believe is not called for if she expects me to help her. If it's none of my business like I'm the mailman, then why is she asking the mailman for financial help? Either I'm part of her life and her family or I'm not. It's like she just sees me as a cash cow, a place to get resources.

    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #12 on: June 25, 2019, 02:57:40 PM »
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  • OP here.
    I know some of my words sound harsh, but I've been dealing with this situation on and off for over 10 years now. I've tried everything, and was forced to give up. I used to try to get my mom to downsize, take steps to stabilize her finances (to be sustainable long term), to get my siblings working, etc. but to no avail. They are full of excuses. My siblings have a lot of maturing to do, which they're not doing because everyone still feels sorry for the poor widow and sends money their way. They are indirectly tapping in to all this support. I DO feel sorry for the widow (my mom), but not for the slacker kids. I honestly don't know what they're going to do when my mom ends up in a nursing home or deceased. My mom is already 65. At any point, if she needs professional care she'll have to move into a nursing home and they'll get 100% of her Social Security. Then my siblings will lose the house and be up the proverbial creek. They don't have any friends outside the house, at least none that I know of. My brother is a mystery, he might have some co-workers now and/or gym buddies. But my sister is a complete shut-in. She does have some emotional and physical problems, but she hasn't managed to parlay them into any kind of official diagnosis or Social Security payment yet.

    Anonymous

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #13 on: June 25, 2019, 03:05:50 PM »
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  • OP here.
    As I mentioned, my siblings aren't very street smart. They are still lousy at adulting, to use a recent term. I shudder to think of how they would deal with living in government Section 8 housing, a.k.a. The Projects, on the bad side of the river. And let's just say they'd be the wrong race and wouldn't fit in very well at all. My father told us horror stories of what he saw in The Projects: for example, drug deals being done in broad daylight. My siblings would probably stay home all day barricaded in their apartment and my sister might have a nervous breakdown. As you can imagine, I'd like to avoid this eventuality if possible.

    Offline Miseremini

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    Re: Poor Mother and Freeloading Siblings a package deal
    « Reply #14 on: June 25, 2019, 03:57:17 PM »
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  • Are you married?  Have children?  If so these are your first responsibilities.
    Regardless of whether you send cash, pay bills etc.  this just frees up any funds your Mom might have to spend on the siblings.  It's a no win situation.   It's similar to trying to help an alcoholic.  They always use whatever funds they have for what THEY WANT.
    Neccessity is the great motivator.  It sounds like this will be the ONLY motivator for all three concerned.
    Some times tough love is a great charity.
    If and when the siblings are desperate that is when they might be willing to change.
    "Let God arise, and let His enemies be scattered: and them that hate Him flee from before His Holy Face"  Psalm 67:2[/b]


     

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