Author Topic: Mothers Old Friend Back in Contact (Read 2490 times)

Änσnymσus · « **on:** May 18, 2014, 05:14:41 PM »

A friend of my (deceased) mother's (from her high school years and early 20's) back in the 1960's and early 1970's, has contacted me after my not hearing from her in many years. I have not maintained contact because my relationship with her was from over 40 years ago when I was a very small child. My mother maintained a very distant relationship with her after their days of living together back in their late teens early twenties.

This lady is now in her mid 60's, she has a family, two grown children, at least 3 grandchildren that I know of, a second husband (last I heard). She has always been very nostalgic for her past "glory days" of hippie-dom and always idealized those times, my mother, me and the happenings of their lives during that approximately 5 year period between 1969-1974.

I do not want to return this phone call. I do not wish to talk about those days. My mother died 20 years ago. My memories of that time are not positive as it was a very hedonistic life they were all living, with me, a small child stuck in the middle of it. Also, my mother was very unhappy all of my childhood and growing up years. She had lots of collateral damage associated with her childhood and then the years of youthful rebellion. She never got over it. Her and my father's lives were awful and they were very unhappy. (This lady also introduced my parents when they were all in high school).

Is this unChristian of me not to renew this connection? Am I obligated in any way? She is not a Christian and does not see anything wrong with those days ... and she and her family and other friends of that time are all Obama liberals.

What is my duty here?

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #1 on:** May 18, 2014, 05:31:56 PM »

you dont have any duty.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #2 on:** May 18, 2014, 05:41:20 PM »

You don't have any reason/duty to return the call. This year, we too, had at least 2 phone calls from relatives that never kept contact and they were long lost cousins and with the bad winter these relatives of the Midwest, phoned us in the Southwest. I figure they were with cabin fever and some get into the face book and they get curious and next thing you know they are calling on you. If it has been a long time, and they phone you, to me, it is "what do they want with me?" after so many years? My parents were in the same situations and it was just that, they wanted something, like = "we are selling tupperware, or we a into fuller brush." But before that, it was, we should get together more often, come over for a dinner and the next thing you know, they want something. So, if you feel best staying in the cave, minding your own business, great! Stay there!

Frances · « **Reply #3 on:** May 18, 2014, 08:29:09 PM »

:dancing-banana:
I'd say you need not return the call. After awhile, she'll get the message. She was your mother's friend, not yours! It sounds as if she's looking for you to replace your long deceased mother. That's not your responsibility and it sounds as if any attempt at a friendship would end badly.

Tiffany · « **Reply #4 on:** May 19, 2014, 08:59:30 AM »

I'll be the Devil's Advocate and say return the call but if it's just about rehashing the past don't let it go on. Sometimes people will reach out to others in their past after something traumatic has happened and she may be looking for comfort. People who aren't very nice or who have different values than us suffer too. A while back I had this happen with a man I was involved with a million years ago had a ѕυιcιdє in his immediate family. It was very hard for me to hear him sound so awful, even though it was many years ago and we have very different values, he was the only person I've ever felt being in love with.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #5 on:** May 19, 2014, 09:40:46 AM »

Quote from: Guest

You don't have any reason/duty to return the call. This year, we too, had at least 2 phone calls from relatives that never kept contact and they were long lost cousins and with the bad winter these relatives of the Midwest, phoned us in the Southwest. I figure they were with cabin fever and some get into the face book and they get curious and next thing you know they are calling on you. If it has been a long time, and they phone you, to me, it is "what do they want with me?" after so many years? My parents were in the same situations and it was just that, they wanted something, like = "we are selling tupperware, or we a into fuller brush." But before that, it was, we should get together more often, come over for a dinner and the next thing you know, they want something. So, if you feel best staying in the cave, minding your own business, great! Stay there!

Yes. I had some lost cousin ask for donation to cancer fundraiser.

crossbro · « **Reply #6 on:** May 19, 2014, 09:57:48 AM »

Did you grow up with her kids ?

Maybe she wants to touch bases or let you know some family news like a wedding, birth, or death.

I would call her back, if she has family, friends, and is married I don't see this coming down to her wanting to make you her bff.

For all you know she is trying to call you to tell you how much she cannot stand you.

MariaCatherine · « **Reply #7 on:** May 19, 2014, 10:09:15 AM »

I can only add what a good priest once told me. Ladies tend to imagine that their rejection of others will cause more pain than it really will. That helped me at the time.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #8 on:** May 19, 2014, 03:12:54 PM »

No, I did not grow up with her kids. The only time we were "connected" was in the years between 1969-1974, before my mother and I moved back to my mother's hometown away from the hippie scene we'd been living in.

Her message said that she missed me, hearing from me, getting Christmas cards (it's been years and years since I sent a Christmas card). As far as "hearing from me" I've never really be in communication with her on a regular basis. Maybe years ago after my mother died, I probably sent pics of my children a couple times. That was almost 20 years ago.

Also, I've never given her my cell phone number. She said in her message that she'd called another old friend of my mother's (one that my mother had actually been very close to, in a way she never was with this lady) and got my phone number by asking her for it. She said she was driving through this area and wondered if I wanted to get together for lunch.

My mother distanced herself from this lady because, as far as I recall, she tended to be very possessive of the friendship and controlling and intense. I do not wish to become involved for that and the other reasons I mentioned previously.

There's nothing to renew here, so I think it will just be this and nothing else. I'm a little dismayed at my mother's other friend for giving my number out without asking me first. The woman didn't have my number for a reason. I wish people wouldn't do things like that.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #9 on:** May 20, 2014, 12:10:03 AM »

I have no relationship with my sister (her choice). But whenever I bump into a mutual friend (who was also dumped by same sister) at a grocery store she always asks me why I'm not talking to my sister! This lady is very sweet and I don't have the heart to tell her what a witch my sister is...so I make excuses.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #10 on:** May 20, 2014, 06:09:57 PM »

OP here. I think that if we were all taught etiquette, a lot of awkwardness and inappropriate communication could be avoided. In this case, the friend who gave the phone number, would have said something about letting me know that other friend wanted to be in contact and leave it at that.

In the case with regard to your sister and this other lady ... the other lady would understand that it's inappropriate to comment or question you on personal matters regarding your family .... and you wouldn't be put on the spot.

So many people these days just say things or do things that are just bad manners. And they don't even realize that it's wrong to blurt our whatever they're thinking, or ask impertinent questions.

I have learned from other people and how they've responded or not responded to me ... that it's better to be silent than to respond in a note or message. There's just no nice way to say, "I'm not interested in communicating with you." Better for them to never know exactly why there was no response and let it be at that.

Tiffany · « **Reply #11 on:** May 20, 2014, 07:04:39 PM »

Quote from: Guest

OP here. I think that if we were all taught etiquette, a lot of awkwardness and inappropriate communication could be avoided. In this case, the friend who gave the phone number, would have said something about letting me know that other friend wanted to be in contact and leave it at that.

In the case with regard to your sister and this other lady ... the other lady would understand that it's inappropriate to comment or question you on personal matters regarding your family .... and you wouldn't be put on the spot.

So many people these days just say things or do things that are just bad manners. And they don't even realize that it's wrong to blurt our whatever they're thinking, or ask impertinent questions.

I have learned from other people and how they've responded or not responded to me ... that it's better to be silent than to respond in a note or message. There's just no nice way to say, "I'm not interested in communicating with you." Better for them to never know exactly why there was no response and let it be at that.

Unfortunately I've had to cut people off not because I had an issue with them but I knew they would share with others I have good reason not to trust. Some people are highly manipulative too in getting information and many are weak cannot recognize it or stand up to it.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #12 on:** May 20, 2014, 09:58:31 PM »

A friend recently shared with me her struggles to avoid "idle curiousity" about others. She explained that many times we ask questions about others when we have no legitimate need to know. I'm now paying more attention to my "need to know".

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #13 on:** May 25, 2014, 07:23:39 PM »

OP again. Yes, there's the issue of gossip and idle conversation and idle curiosity. I don't want to gossip about myself or my family or listen to the other person gossip about their lives and the lives of their friends / family (acquaintances I might have heard of). It's nearly impossible to avoid this with the average person. And then there's Facebook! These two women are on Facebook. I don't want to have anything to do with that ... even peripherally. They won't understand that.

I had a friend stop returning my calls 20+ years ago and I spent years wondering what happened. Now I realize that whatever her reason, there was just no good way of telling me she didn't want to be friends anymore. I respect her decision now and know it was for the best.

Worldly friendships are fraught with danger.

Author Topic: Mothers Old Friend Back in Contact (Read 2490 times)

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