Since I was little, I always dreamt of having a big family with lots of boys. An only child myself, I was raised solely by my mother, without a father, and never had any male guidance or presence which left me with a big void for the male component within a home. I think that is why I wanted to have boys so much. I was not neutral.
Instead, God thinks that I am best mothering girls maybe because I am actually a very feminine woman myself and has been giving me daughters. I only have one son. I just found out I am having another girl among 4! It is hard for me to understand God's will in this respect and my Faith is being heavily tested on this respect. This is probably not my last baby as I am still young but it seems there is a pattern there, so probably the next time, it will be another daughter.
I am feeling very ashamed and guilty over these feelings because it feels that I am putting my will over that of God.
Any thoughts?