Help!  My wife does not understand the meaning of modesty.  We were both raised novus ordo.  I commented yesterday about what she was wearing to leave the house.  She threw a temper tantrum, injured her arm and shoulder, and then expected me to give her an apology for suggesting that she was immodest.  We're pretty much having a battle of wills at this point because she thinks that she is totally in the right, that I have no place telling her how to dress, and that she was justified in her reaction.  For my part, I think she's totally out of her mind, that I am totally in the right, and that civility is a requirement in conversation no matter how right you are.  I will absolutely not apologize to her for suggesting that she is immodest, because she is immodest.  What would you do in my place?

Be careful of disharmony in the family..

It may take time.

Is she open to becoming more traditional? Does she know that obedience is what gains her sanctity and grace? It sounds like she doesn't trust you.. if so, why wouldn't she? Have you neglected something? Work hard on becoming someone virtuous enough that she trusts more?  

You may have to take time simply gradually filling the waters of the home with tradition for it to sink in.

Here's some modesty material.

Help!  My wife does not understand the meaning of modesty.  We were both raised novus ordo.  I commented yesterday about what she was wearing to leave the house.  She threw a temper tantrum, injured her arm and shoulder, and then expected me to give her an apology for suggesting that she was immodest.  We're pretty much having a battle of wills at this point because she thinks that she is totally in the right, that I have no place telling her how to dress, and that she was justified in her reaction.  For my part, I think she's totally out of her mind, that I am totally in the right, and that civility is a requirement in conversation no matter how right you are.  I will absolutely not apologize to her for suggesting that she is immodest, because she is immodest.  What would you do in my place?

You need to go gently on this issue. There is no point in being heavyhanded about it and both of you digging your heels in. It sounds like what you said has been taken as being hurtful, while you were trying to be helpful. It may not be apparent to her that she is actually being immodest.

This book, Dressing with Dignity http://www.tanbooks.com/index.php/page/shop:flypage/product_id/669/
is very helpful. You might read it yourself in order to understand how many woman think and how they are not aware of what they are doing. Read it in order to get ideas on how to approach the issue.

Then you might share it with her, asking her what she thinks.

Are you still in the Novus Ordo? Where do each of you stand on that? If none of her friends are traditional Catholics she will more likely dress as a slave of worldly fashion.  

Do you really think she is totally out of her mind, or is it just that she hasn't thought through the issues?

Habits take a while to change and she won't change unless she can see the reasoning behind it. So you might have to be patient, letting her know that you want what is best for her and for your marriage because of the love you have for her.

It's imperative that you as her husband PRAY to God to open her eyes to how offensive it is to OUR LORD that she dresses this way.  

You can be silent when she tests you by dressing badly.  And don't show any affection when she is dressed like that.  Then when she dresses modestly praise her generously and tell her how beautiful she is.  Never comment on other women whether they look slutty or angelic.

You might try fasting for her intention of becoming more modest.

Also, check yourself--many times wives rebel against a husband's authority because of some perceived hypocrisy on his part. Yes it's petty and wrong but women are the weaker sex and sometimes act like children.

If you have daughters you absolutely have the duty without your wife's approval to ensure they are dressed to Marylike standards.  

It goes without saying that men/boys must be modest too.

Good luck.

Just remember the devil's know what the hot buttons are to push, and women about their appearance..

It's one of those 'does this make me look fat?' things.. They're very big on being approved of in regards to their appearance. Goes back to Eve being before Adam for his approval, I heard once in a sermon.

There's nothing like telling a woman directly to be more modest to get a flip out, out of some of them.. Indirectly can be better? Step by step? Not direct and blunt first, like you'd tell a guy? Women tend to be more indirect in all communication.. they won't say they want something specifically.. they'll go about it from the side, no? So the man has to think because we don't think that way.

She probably doesn't even know all why she flipped out, but bet it was the Devil.. Of course blaming her won't help.. getting this back to to something that can be talked over peaceably is going to take some sensitivity and some giving up of what is due..

FWIW.. Thinking about 'no right' and the justice owed you side might not be the best approach to actually practically solving the issue.. Especially since this is an issue with a woman, women don't tend to think about the justice side as much I think.. The father wants respect, the woman wants love..

Since it's probably rather blurry to her, are you sure you have nothing you couldn't apologize for too, to break the ice?

You weren't an absolutely perfect saint ... were you? I'm sure you can figure out something to say your sorry for, you didn't pray enough for her -- though don't say that.. You weren't virtuous enough.. One can always be better, no,.. so?

Just some thoughts, take the good, leave aside the bad, apologies... Might be a lot of nonsense..

If you sympathize with her being hurt, you know, that shows you love her.. And then tends more to think -- she thinks she can trust you to take care of her..

Justice is one thing, it can be on your side, but giving it up for the sake of God and greater good.. well.. isn't that how family problems often have to be solved? I mean just practically in my own life.. when I pray for family justice after a fight it just gets worse.. No success. So I learn I have to take a different approach, I think? Pray for peace.. forgive? etc?

Oh well sorry for running on a lot of useless stuff perhaps.

Thanks for all of the responses.  Yes, I certainly do need to become more holy to set a better example.  I do pray for her regularly.  I was not being heavy handed with her.  In fact, I merely suggested another article of clothing if she was going out.  She began arguing with me, and I am very logical.  I argued back with a better argument.  The she flipped out and started screaming, and grabbed the empty crib and started shaking it violently with one of her hands.  That's when she injured herself.  I took that opportunity to put on my shoes, walked out of the house, and drove away. I don't have to put up with that kind of behavior and I certainly didn't deserve a response like that. I got a coffee and came back.  We both wanted the other one to apologize.  Her point: I have no right to insinuate that she dresses immodestly.  My point: She has no right to kick and scream, just because I am doing my job as her husband and trying to guide her to better choices when I think it is prudent, and I certainly don't owe her an apology, as it is my place to say when something is immodest.

Absolutely

Help!  My wife does not understand the meaning of modesty.  We were both raised novus ordo.  I commented yesterday about what she was wearing to leave the house.  She threw a temper tantrum, injured her arm and shoulder, and then expected me to give her an apology for suggesting that she was immodest.  We're pretty much having a battle of wills at this point because she thinks that she is totally in the right, that I have no place telling her how to dress, and that she was justified in her reaction.  For my part, I think she's totally out of her mind, that I am totally in the right, and that civility is a requirement in conversation no matter how right you are.  I will absolutely not apologize to her for suggesting that she is immodest, because she is immodest.  What would you do in my place?

You are right. She is wrong.

Just give her some time; don't talk about it anymore.  Just say something like, "I'm sorry for the way that I came across."  Eventually, she'll come around.  Try "hanging around" traditional Catholic groups and/or families as much as possible.  Eventually, women will start dressing like other women whom they spend significant amounts of time with!  Also, when your wife does start wearing modest dresses and skirts/blouses, tell her how pretty and beautiful she is!  Tell her that you think that her femininity is really attractive; when she's in a modest skirt, open doors for her, don't expect her to do any "manly" activities.  Give her a flower the days when she wears a modest skirt; nothing for those days when she wears jeans and a tank top.  Also, try to "gentle push" your wife in the direction of "either/or", which means getting her to commit to 100% skirts/dresses all the time.  No pants or shorts, ever.  It'll take time, but eventually, she'll do it, if only to please you.