Author Topic: Messy House  (Read 1869 times)

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Änσnymσus

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Messy House
« on: September 04, 2019, 05:28:48 PM »
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  • I am in a difficult situation, pray that I am more humble and try to be good and grow more patience. My parents do not have the faith. Or I should say my father is basically an apostate and my mother is a bad Novus Ordo. Forgive me for judging but that is how it seems to me. Both support legal abortion and vote for Demoncrats religiously.

    I live in my family's house. I am disabled with mental health issues and haven't been able to work for a while. If I would get better I would like to work somewhere but right now I am living off of disability.

    My parents are slobs. They are so slobby that because our house was a fire trap it burned down to the ground. And after they renovated the house after the fire they made it even more messy. I have been trying to urge them to clean up a little but they refuse. Not even do they refuse, but they forbid me to clean up. When I want to clean they forbid me. If I try to throw papers away they forbid me.

    Also I am living in limbo. For most of my life I lived in the basement so I have all my things there. And my brother had a bedroom upstairs. But my father forbade me to sleep downstairs and makes me sleep in my brother's room but I am not allowed to keep most of my things there. All of my brother's things are upstairs so I can not use most of the drawers to keep my underwear in. So whenever I want to get a new pair of underwear or some clothes I have to walk two flights downstairs and two more back upstairs. I was urging my father to clean up a little and he basically said I would have to leave if I insisted. So my parents would rather live like pigs and kick their disabled son out of the house than clean up. I am of age so I am not a child, but I am unable to work and am living off of disability. I will listen to them and not clean up, but it is crazy.

    Because I see the state of the house to be the state of their souls. They would rather burn up in sin than accept God's grace into their hearts. Ideally I would have a place of my own, but I am trying to convert them.

    And there are the conflicting orders. My father is henpecked. So I try to obey him, but often my mother conflicts my father's wishes and when I try to obey my father he gets upset and squeals and starts whining. So I do not know what to do as they each give me opposite orders as if they were trying to test my patience.

    And they are using my disability money. I am fine with this as I consider it my duty to help them out. But they are using it as such a high rate that if it continues they will spend it all and we will have no money to live off of and the well will run dry. My older brother has his own apartment and is going to school but we pay for a lot of his bills. My father and I. It seems every month I am giving him at least two hundred dollars, not counting the money I give to my parents. I am fine giving, but I worry that they will get so used to using it that when I am no longer able we will have no money.

    Anyway I know God will provide, but I am trying to get it off my chest. I am forced to live in a pigsty in hades among unbelieving family trying to be good. I have no one else to take me in so I will deal. I am happier than I ever was but I see everyone else in my family wallowing in misery and I want to help them but whenever I try to help them they respond that they would rather wallow in the myre. So I pray. I pray a lot. And try to make my whole life a prayer in hopes that they will convert. I cry for them.

    Pray for my parents and for me. Thanks. Obviously this is an αnσnymσus post so I would not reveal the identity of the people involved.

    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #1 on: September 04, 2019, 06:24:14 PM »
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  • If it is messy, then once again. It is fire hazard.  


    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #2 on: September 04, 2019, 06:25:13 PM »
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  • If it is messy, then once again. It is fire hazard.  You must have it cleaned up or local authorities will remove you and your parents.  

    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #3 on: September 04, 2019, 06:26:02 PM »
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  • 1. If your parents support abortion they dont have the Faith.

    2. It is your parents house, if they want to live in a messy house its their problem.

    3. Living at their mess makes you more depressed and stressed.

    4. You have to give them money if you have it but I dont believe they have the right to take your money to give it to your brother if you are disabled and treat you like dirt... is your brother a catholic? Does he spend the money with responsibility? Or he goes to college just to party?

    5. I dont believe they will convert just because you live there. You can live at another place and try to convert them.

    6. If you are becoming more ill because of the mess... how are you going to convert them???


    I believe you are more than justified to live at another place, really. 

    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #4 on: September 04, 2019, 06:54:17 PM »
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  • 1. If your parents support abortion they dont have the Faith.

    2. It is your parents house, if they want to live in a messy house its their problem.

    3. Living at their mess makes you more depressed and stressed.

    4. You have to give them money if you have it but I dont believe they have the right to take your money to give it to your brother if you are disabled and treat you like dirt... is your brother a catholic? Does he spend the money with responsibility? Or he goes to college just to party?

    5. I dont believe they will convert just because you live there. You can live at another place and try to convert them.

    6. If you are becoming more ill because of the mess... how are you going to convert them???


    I believe you are more than justified to live at another place, really.
    1. Yes, they support abortion and I believe they do not have the faith.
    2. OK. I guess i will have to deal if I live there. I want to clean up so we don't have another fire and so life is better for all of us.
    3. Most of the time I am happy and calm. But I worry about them as the mess is a sign of a moral hazard (and a literal fire hazard).
    4. I am happy to give them money, but I worry that they will use it all up. They are using more than I take in monthly, and it is only because I had some money saved up that it can continue. I have five hundred saved up on top of my monthly stipend and at the rate we are going that will last two months. So I fear in three months the well will be dry. My brother works at a job and does not party too much, but he is being irresponsible by going away to college and having his own apartment instead of living at home and going to a comparable college. He could save a thousand dollars a month in rent if he lived at home, plus hundreds of dollars more he begs from us. Also he already has a degree and had a good job but he quit his job to get another degree in music because he wants to be a rock and roll musician. That is his dream. He is nominally Catholic, but not a practicing one. I am the only trad in the family.
    5. I am there to be a good example if I can and to pray and work for them. If I was not there they would have no good example. I am happy enough. This post was in a bit of frustration but normally I am calm. I am trying to change my mother. I try being nice and I try being mean but it does not change her. Now my tactic is to give her everything she wants.
    6. My mental health is harmed somewhat by the mess, but I am strong and I think I am in a very good place right now all things considered. I am very happy.
    I know I am justified in leaving, but I am not really able to support myself without help and I have nowhere else to go. And I like living with my family except for their lack of faith and the mess. I just think it would be so much better if they were not pigs and they had the faith. We get along well for the most part but I get upset when I see disorder and sin. I see the mess as a moral problem. The state of the house is the state of the family's soul. I am trying to keep my room clean as the unbeliever Jordan Peterson would say, the man who is trying to offer the world the Cross without Christ and without salvation as some sort of cure to save the world of reason. But they are not helping much. I do not want to abandon them, I want to save them. I like living at home and my routine, except that I want us to clean the house so we can have friends and family over. 


    Änσnymσus

    • Guest
    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #5 on: September 04, 2019, 09:35:44 PM »
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  • If at all possible, you need to move out.  By staying you are enabling your parents to keep their unhealthy lifestyle.  If need be, contact Adult Services where you live.  If the house is a fire hazard, the authorities will provide a certain degree of help, probably a referral, to an expert on hoarding and junk removal.  You will not convert them by remaining there.  If you’re unable to live entirely on your own, there are services available to you for reduced rent, wellness check-ups, food services, jobs you are capable of doing that make allowances for those with mental illness.  I’ve a cousin who moved out of a similar situation.  The house was so cluttered with stuff that he fell down the stairs and broke his leg, requiring surgery.  He could not be released to return to a hazardous living condition.  Since 2008 he has lived with a two other men in an apartment funded by City Wellness of Cleveland.  Each man is expected to do his share of common area chores, ie, cleaning of kitchen, sitting room, restroom.  Each pays a share of rent.  Two of the three work.  A social worker stops in once every week to make sure things are running smoothly.  My cousin works part-time for Goodwill Industries and sidelines by designing web sites from home.  He earned his GED and is presently taking on-line classes towards accounting.  His mental issues are vastly improved since moving out.  His Dad, my uncle passed away in 2014, and his Mom has moved to a senior apartment complex.  His two sisters come regularly to keep her hoarding under control.  It is also helpful to know that hoarding will result in eviction.  She’s become able to monitor herself for the most part.  My cousin is not a hoarder although he was at first thought to be one.  If anything, he’s a bit too much a minimalist.  
    There are things you can do to help your parents.  I think you’re right about a person’s home being a reflection of the soul.  It’s not your fault your parents don’t tidy up.  Do yourself and them a favor by moving out.  

    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #6 on: September 04, 2019, 10:12:06 PM »
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  • If at all possible, you need to move out.

    . . .

    Do yourself and them a favor by moving out.  
    Thank you for your advice. I understand why one might advise me to move out. But I don't want to move out. I think it is good to live with my family and I love them so much and like helping my mother and spending time with my father. I would rather deal with the mess than move out without family. If I had a lot of friends or family I could trust it would be one thing, but I do not. So I would rather stick with my dysfunctional family than live with strangers. For the time being I will try to change my family. I have been in this boat for a long time and I can live with it happily. It is not hurting me spiritually. I think my parents need me. I fear for them, but not for myself.

    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #7 on: September 05, 2019, 02:34:49 AM »
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  • Ok.  Maybe advise your parents that they have become materialistic and they have too much stuff.  That they should donate to the poor.  Look at all those people in the Bahamas who lost everything.   Remind them that Jesus would want them to get rid of their stuff.  


    Offline Nadir

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #8 on: September 05, 2019, 02:35:35 AM »
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  • Thank you for your advice. I understand why one might advise me to move out. But I don't want to move out. I think it is good to live with my family and I love them so much and like helping my mother and spending time with my father. I would rather deal with the mess than move out without family. If I had a lot of friends or family I could trust it would be one thing, but I do not. So I would rather stick with my dysfunctional family than live with strangers. For the time being I will try to change my family. I have been in this boat for a long time and I can live with it happily. It is not hurting me spiritually. I think my parents need me. I fear for them, but not for myself.
    You say you are a Catholic, so you ought to know that it is your responsibility to show them honour, and you do not seem to give any sign of honouring them.

    Regardless of how you see them and badmouth them, they are still your parents, in spite of their faults which seem to be many, you are still their child. You live in their home, and are dependent on them for a roof over your head.

    Also, in the above quote you seem to be saying that if you had trusted friends you would move out, so you seem to be in a state of contradiction.
    I will remember you and your parents in my Rosary.

    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #9 on: September 05, 2019, 05:44:02 AM »
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  • You say you are a Catholic, so you ought to know that it is your responsibility to show them honour, and you do not seem to give any sign of honouring them.

    Regardless of how you see them and badmouth them, they are still your parents, in spite of their faults which seem to be many, you are still their child. You live in their home, and are dependent on them for a roof over your head.

    Also, in the above quote you seem to be saying that if you had trusted friends you would move out, so you seem to be in a state of contradiction.
    I will remember you and your parents in my Rosary.
    Thank you for this post! It was extremely helpful. I know I am pulled in different directions. I am confused. I do honor my parents, but not well enough. I find it hard to properly honor my parents when I feel they are doing wrong because I am not a good enough person. I should honor them more than I do and this post reminds me of that. Thank you for your advice and your prayers.

    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #10 on: September 05, 2019, 08:50:55 AM »
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  • You are not honouring your parents if you have fights with your Dad about the mess.

    It's HIS house, HE bought it. So, if he wants to live like a pig,  it's his choice. 

    You can't be fighting all the time about the mess. I believe you stressed your father so much that he said you can go out...

    You are not going to convert ANY of them by giving them orders to clean or whatever.

    I understand you and I told you: the situation is making you more ill!! You contraduct yourself.

    I do believe you have a good heart and want you convert them, but YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMAIN THERE TO DO THIS. It's better to move out and go there all sundays and invite them to Mass... and send them religious books and calling them to talk about it... in good spirits, than being there fighting like a neurothic because they have Diogenes' Syndrome.

    You are a handicaped person who has to spend your money carefully. You have to give your Dad money to pay the bills, but your brother's life style it's not your duty   ... because he could remain at home. Do you know why your bro doesn't why to remain at home? Because he wants to sin. That's the reason most young single men (and women) don't live with their parents. HE COULD LIVE AT HOME BUT HE DOESN'T WANT TO . WHY? He is a young healthy man. If he wants to live a Sin City life, OK, but he has to pay for it.

    Your Dad is tired with the continuous fights. Mom surely suffers a lot. You are tired of the mess. Your brother lives a sinning life style with your money. You will be without money soon and you can't get a job easily.
    And you are not converting anyone... you are only making more mess.

    You have to make a choice:
    A- remaining at Dad's home by HIS rules, giving him money to pay the bills (but don't giving money to your not catholic healthy brother) and please shut up and do not disturb your parents.
    B- Move out , go to visit your parents all sundays, help them in their needs and try to convert them as I told you (more effective).


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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #11 on: September 05, 2019, 09:54:42 AM »
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  • You are not honouring your parents if you have fights with your Dad about the mess.

    It's HIS house, HE bought it. So, if he wants to live like a pig,  it's his choice.


    You have to make a choice:
    A- remaining at Dad's home by HIS rules, giving him money to pay the bills (but don't giving money to your not catholic healthy brother) and please shut up and do not disturb your parents.
    B- Move out , go to visit your parents all sundays, help them in their needs and try to convert them as I told you (more effective).
    Thank you for your kind words. I sorely needed them. I will try to shut up. One of my prayers is that I be taught how to shut up. I really pray to my favorite Saint to teach me how to shut up in those exact words.
    For the moment I will try option A. It may be difficult to give my parents money for the bills while denying my brother. There is a snag because I promised my brother that I would help him out while he was in school, so if I denied my brother that assistance I would be going back on my word. He will be in school for another four months so I think considering that I said I would help him out that I should assist him for the next four months. But once he is out of school he will be able to work enough hours that he would not need assistance so I would no longer assist him.
    Thank you for your help!

    Offline jvk

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #12 on: September 05, 2019, 04:08:34 PM »
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  • Since you're not able to do anything about the rest of your house, what about the room you're in currently?  Is it possible to make it as neat and tidy as possible?  You can create a sanctuary to escape the messiness of the rest of the house.  Are you allowed to hang or place crucifixes or religious pictures?  Even just a small dresser, covered with a white cloth, and a few small statues or holy cards would work.  

    As far as your clothes situation, what about getting a plastic tote to keep your things in?  A person doesn't need much, really.  A dozen socks, several pairs of underwear, a few shirts and pants...You could easily keep it in a tote, and not have to walk up and down the stairs so often.

    As far as dealing with your parent's relationship, perhaps you could say a "Hail Mary" for them to receive the necessary graces for their marriage every time they start arguing (or hen pecking, etc).  In the same way, instead of being irritated at them, offer up some sort of prayer for their souls at the moment of your irritation. 

    God puts us in different situations at different times in our lives.  He knew from your birth what your situation would be now...so even though it's not easy, trust in Him!  Devotion to the Sacred Heart is a good way to find inner peace of soul amidst chaos, as well.

    And lastly, you can't control someone else's reaction, but you CAN control yours.  Put effort into making it a Catholic one.

    Many prayers for your mental and physical well-being.  

    Offline Nadir

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #13 on: September 06, 2019, 02:34:31 AM »
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  • Thank you for this post! It was extremely helpful. I know I am pulled in different directions. I am confused. I do honor my parents, but not well enough. I find it hard to properly honor my parents when I feel they are doing wrong because I am not a good enough person. I should honor them more than I do and this post reminds me of that. Thank you for your advice and your prayers.
    Your posts show your sincerity and humility, so that it a very good start.
    Just remember that you are not resposible for your parents' messy house, just do your best with what you have for the moment and you will have your reward for faithfulness.
    .
    God gives us all free will and he knows our hearts so hang in there and your parents should see that you are calmer about the situation and wonder why. The dynamics may change over time.

    Also, about your things. Can you store the ones you need most in a container or more under your bed.

    When your father is in a better frame of mind, and you are too, he may agree to you moving back into your own space in the basement.

    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Messy House
    « Reply #14 on: September 06, 2019, 07:37:47 AM »
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  • Thank you, especially Nadir. Your responses were very helpful. I am now allowed to have one drawer for clothes which is enough. And I put my picture of the Sorrowful Mother that was blessed by a Bishop and my portrait of Saint Padre Pio on the wall. I want to clean the whole house even though I do not own it, but I am happy. Don't think I am not happy, I just want everyone in my family to be happy.


     

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