Author Topic: Marriage based on love (Read 3133 times)

Änσnymσus · « **on:** April 05, 2016, 09:54:59 AM »

I've been told that marriage based on love in a false premise in traditional Catholic teaching. It is like an emotionless contract. Is this true? These people tell me that marriage is not love at first sight. The man advocates marriage that is arranged. Is this Catholic?

Cantarella · « **Reply #1 on:** April 05, 2016, 10:14:05 AM »

Is Love Necessary, Is Love Sufficient? – Fr. Donald Miller, C.SS.R., 1955

https://finerfem.wordpress.com/2016/04/01/is-love-necessary-is-love-sufficient-fr-donald-miller-c-ss-r-1955/

Quote

What do you mean by “love”? Do you mean that violent feeling of attraction, that all-suffering sense of helpless infatuation, that overpowering “can’t-think-of-anything-else” emotion, which the pulps, true story magazines and mashy novels describe as love?

If you do, my answer is a quick “no”. This kind of love is not necessary because there have been thousands of happy marriages without it, from those in which the bridegroom was chosen for the bride (or vice versa) by elders, as was customary for centuries, down to the latest marriage of two young people who kept their wits about them all through their company-keeping and engagement.

The wild infatuation that some mistake for love is a minor form of hysteria, and hysteria is not only not necessary for, but a positive drawback to, a happy marriage.

But if you define love correctly, I say that it is absolutely necessary for a happy marriage. Love is an intelligent willingness to surrender self-will, to make sacrifices, to place fidelity, charity and duty above feelings, in behalf of a person whom one has found to be a good companion, a sturdy character, and a believer in the same purposes of life and marriage as oneself

https://finerfem.wordpress.com/2016/04/01/is-love-necessary-is-love-sufficient-fr-donald-miller-c-ss-r-1955/

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #2 on:** April 05, 2016, 03:12:33 PM »

My husband is currently in love with his soul mate he met on Facebook.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #3 on:** April 05, 2016, 03:14:45 PM »

Quote from: Guest

My husband is currently in love with his soul mate he met on Facebook.

:roll-laugh1:

TKGS · « **Reply #4 on:** April 05, 2016, 04:12:59 PM »

Could you restate your question? I am not sure I really understand what you are asking.

Saint Paul admonishes men to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, willing to lay down their lives for their wives if need be. Wives have no duty to love their husbands.

Marriage must be based on faith. Happy marriages will find that the husband and wife genuinely like each other and enjoy each other's company.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #5 on:** April 05, 2016, 04:14:09 PM »

I'm not in love with my husband nor I have ever been, not even in marriage day. However, as a Catholic, I don't believe in divorce. We have been together for 11 years, have 4 children and counting, and expect to grow old with him, faithfully.

No, love is not necessary. As a matter of fact, it may be a bad thing. Strict observance to marital bows, attendance to duty and lack of irritants are.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #6 on:** April 05, 2016, 09:15:10 PM »

if you don't love him, then you shouldn't be married to him

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #7 on:** April 05, 2016, 09:54:47 PM »

Quote from: Guest

if you don't love him, then you shouldn't be married to him

That is not Catholic doctrine. Nowhere the Catholic Church teaches that.

It happens that I AM married to him (in the Church) and I am not divorcing just because I do not feel "in love" with him.

Nadir · « **Reply #8 on:** April 05, 2016, 10:28:13 PM »

Quote from: Guest

if you don't love him, then you shouldn't be married to him

Incorrect. There are saints who married in obedience to their father's wish or arrangement, where being "in love" is not even a consideration and these marriages have worked well to the betterment and salvation of the spouses. St Frances of Rome was one, St Matilda of Saxony another.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #9 on:** April 05, 2016, 10:32:58 PM »

Quote from: TKGS

Could you restate your question? I am not sure I really understand what you are asking.

Saint Paul admonishes men to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, willing to lay down their lives for their wives if need be. Wives have no duty to love their husbands.

Marriage must be based on faith. Happy marriages will find that the husband and wife genuinely like each other and enjoy each other's company.

The Church tells me my duty is to be obedient to my husband, not necessarily be "in love" with him.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #10 on:** April 06, 2016, 12:41:10 AM »

What is even "love" exactly?

You mean in a Romantic sense?

I do not know.
I have been infatuated with many women, some I still feel weak about after several years (as a generic attraction to something about them, who knows what).

However I know from experience "love" wanes after a while (weeks-months), but genuine infatuations with other women keep on happening regardless.

When I was a young and naive young man I broke off another marriage because I thought I was in "love" with this other girl.

Turns out it was just momentary (but very strong) infatuation.

Who knows where I would be today if I had resisted such romantic urges.

Anyways, without going into detail about the classical distinctions and definitions of "love", there's also what is regarded today as "love"="affection/loyalty/comfort/bond/habit" which is what, under normal circuмstances, couples develop with time.

Womyns seem to be prone to romantic love a lot more too, and more persistent in it, possibly even for years.
But I'm not sure if it's just their simple minds deceiving them, or genuine feeling, as I cannot understand or even tell, as they are seldom straight in their facetiousness.

So, to sum up my-admittently confused- thoughts about the matter:
"love" is not necessary for a stable, fruitful and serene relationship.
What is of the utmost importance is both persons being decent, calm, serene, compatible, modest and psychologically stable.

Desmond

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #11 on:** April 06, 2016, 12:49:40 AM »

Quote from: Guest

if you don't love him, then you shouldn't be married to him

I would like to know who is the mole(s) here.
In the anonymous section someone exploits her anonimity to post the most obscene things.

What is the point? Is it to blow off some steam after a hard day of pretending to be catholic?

Nadir · « **Reply #12 on:** April 06, 2016, 02:28:52 AM »

A comparison between traditional Catholic Marriage and Novus Ordo ceremony:

Traditionalcatholicpriest dot com/2014/09/04/traditional-catholic-wedding-ceremony-vs-new-wedding-ceremony/

Replace spacedotspace with .

AMDGJMJ · « **Reply #13 on:** April 06, 2016, 07:32:46 AM »

Quote from: Guest

I've been told that marriage based on love in a false premise in traditional Catholic teaching. It is like an emotionless contract. Is this true? These people tell me that marriage is not love at first sight. The man advocates marriage that is arranged. Is this Catholic?

I think that we have to remind ourselves that the English vocabulary is limited...

In Greek there are three different words which all stand for different meaning of love: charity (agape), friendship (philia), family (storge), and marital love (Eros).

Every marriage must be based on love (charity/agape). We must show charity to our spouse no matter how cruel they are to us, or no matter whether we love all feeling of emotion for them (Eros).

Have a friendship (philia) and bond with ones spouse helps to make ones life more bearable throughout daily life together.

So, yes, marriage must be based on love, but not just emotional fondness.

Emotions change, true love and charity does not.

That being said, God created the emotions to bring people to embrace the marital life. So, there is certainly nothing wrong with feeling emotions for ones spouse. Yet, one must not base the decision of marriage only on this fact. For, it comes and goes, and if it is the deciding factor, then families will split up as soon as the emotion is gone...

(Which as was quoted here by another often happens in months...)

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #14 on:** April 06, 2016, 05:43:41 PM »

As I read the comments, I looked upon our marriage. I vowed never to tell my husband to be, "I love you" unless I really knew what that was. I told him I was fond of him and I felt at home with him, a friendship.

I was told if you have more than one and you must choose who to marry, Go away for a little R and R and see which one you miss the most.

I did that, just for the one, my husband to be. I did not feel like myself. I felt like I filled my luggage and yet I was missing the most important thing, like a toothbrush, a need. My mom asked of me, "do you recall that you asked, how do you know the love is real?" I answered her saying, "Yes, you said when the other person makes you feel Full. And I understood and we have been married for 43 years.

Author Topic: Marriage based on love (Read 3133 times)

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