CathInfo.com

This whole thing reminds me of the "mall ninja" jokes of the beginning of this century, the meme of the guy who is a mall security guard but thinks he is in some advanced tactical unit deep in a warzone.

This idea was launched by a person going by the handle "Gecko45" who would post on various internet forums, claiming to need extremely high level tactical gear for the mall that he was a security guard in, imagining himself to carry on extended fire-fights involving fully automatic fire with armed robbers, drug dealers, gangs, cartels, and so on in the middle of an upper-middle class suburban mall. The posts were absolutely hilarious.

Gecko45 has become an internet classic, so much so that someone went and preserved a lot of his posts in a website called the Shrine of the Mall Ninja. The person who compiled most of Gecko45's ouvre and posted it here also includes his own hilarious commentary on it throughout.

Sounds like this wanted ad was posted by Gecko45.

The couple must be:

• Married for at least three years, in a strife-free and drug-free monogamous relationship.
• Be devoted Christians and be on the same page as the ranch owner concerning current events of these Last Days.
• Both under age 45, physically fit, and normal body weight.
• Not vaccinated with a COVID-19 shot or boosters.
• Be in good health and have a willingness to consistently work hard, and work in inclement weather. You need to have the drive to develop and work the ranch as if it were your own ranch that you were building and maintaining. This is not the job for people with a “mañana” attitude.
• Willing to have the husband be a full-time ranch caretaker, with no outside employment. (The wife can have outside employment, but must be available for at least 10 hours a week for caretaking responsibilities.)
• Be team players and committed to a survivalist lifestyle. (When the balloon goes up, you are staying, as part of the retreat security and provisioning team.)
• Have good common sense, the ability to learn new skills, be handy with tools, and have existing practical skills that will contribute to the completion and smooth operation of the ranch retreat.
• Have good communication skills, and be willing to keep in close touch with the ranch owner, who plans to spend his summers and brief vacations at the main house, with his family.
• Have minimal emotional baggage, drama, or other “issues.”
• Be willing to live in semi-isolation at a retreat that is a 3-hour drive from the nearest city of 100,000+. (It is a 15-minute drive from a small town with many churches, a hospital, several grocery stores, and hardware stores, and auto parts stores.)
• Be circuмspect and security conscious.
• Have great attention to detail and orderliness.
• You and your children (if any) enjoy an active outdoor lifestyle.
• Be perceptive about people’s intentions and have the ability to oversee tradesmen that are hired for specific projects and repairs.
• Apply with the understanding that they will have extensive background checks and will undergo drug tests, before employment.

The husband must:
Have a “can do” attitude. Have U.S. Army or USMC experience — or alternatively extensive police SWAT experience, or overseas intel/security contractor experience. Ideally, we are seeking a former company-grade officer or NCO qualified in any of the following Combat Arms/Combat Support OSCs/MOSes (or any of the USMC equivalent specialties):

• SF (18B, 18C. 18D 18E, 18F)
• MP  (31B, 31K)
• Infantry (11B, 11C)
• Armor/Scout (19D, 19K)
• Engineer (12A, 12B, 12M, 12N, 12W)

And ideally, with prior or secondary MOS experience in any of the following mechanical MOSes:

• 91B, 91D, 91F, 91H, or 91L.
• Or, in any 68-series medical MOS, preferably with experience in the field at the tactical level.

Some Plusses:

• Overseas deployments are a plus.
• Experience at tree felling is a plus.
• Experience with fence construction is a plus.
• Experience with snowplows, tractors, excavators, and/or bulldozers is a plus.
• Experience with home maintenance is a plus.
• Experience with small livestock is a plus.
• Car, truck, and small motor repair experience is a plus.
• Vegetable gardening experience (especially large scale) is a plus.

Please pray seriously about this, before responding. – JWR

Dear Sir-

I seem to meet all these criteria, except being a traditionalist Catholic, we will differ on religion.

That being the case, am I still in contention?

A few additional questions for you:

1) As I am 7'3.5" and 390lbs, I need to know if food is included in your offer?  Generally speaking, my diet consists of: A loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, and on Sundays, 2lbs of fried potatoes.  Lunch is a bit lighter, with maybe just a fried chicken and a few bananas.  Dinner will normally be a few baked potatoes, a few lbs of meat, and maybe a head of lettuce/salad.  I try not to snack to keep fit.

2) My wife is currently invading Ukraine for Putin, and will be gone for some time.  Is that OK?  Once she conquers Ukraine ad whacks Zelensky, she'll be back.

3) Most indoor plumbing does not work for me, and I will not go into the details, but do you have an outhouse?

If you are able to acccomodate these requests, we may be the right family for you.

PS: We would prefer payment only in silver eagles and/or junk silver.  Is that ok?