This is the OP, and I wanna say thanks for the replies. Honestly, I feel like I'm slowly descending into disbelief. Maybe deist or agnostic or some other. I still believe in God, and I still kind of believe in the afterlife, but really I'm just losing faith in Catholicism's view of God and heaven and hell and all that. I mean, what if Christianity is just another religion? Like islam or something. I've always had problems with the whole EENS idea. I read that God wills all men to be saved, yet why doesn't He give a clear and concise path to all men then? He allows so many to remain in ignorance and suffering. Then just damns them to the fire? I know the traditional christian idea that heaven is not a right, it's only a gift, no one deserves it; but still, why does the alternate have to be so terrible? Why can't it be that heaven is an extraordinary end, while hell is the ordinary end. And by hell, I don't mean tormenting agony. Well, except for truly wicked people. Not for people who remained in ignorance and suffering, without knowing what was true and what was false. And the whole sufficient grace hypothesis is also kind of problematic for me. Maybe I am misunderstanding it, but it seriously seems equivalent to seeing someone drowning in a lake and then throwing a clear plastic bag to them. That what sufficient grace seems to be. Something so insignificant and indiscernible in the chaos. And we are still being horribly punished in the afterlife for not being able to utilize it? It's also like punishing a baby for not being able to solve an algebra problem. It really seems unfair. What really triggered all of this for me was reading about missing people. People who have their loved ones kidnapped or just dissappear for whatever reason. I can't imagine living like that, my loved one dissapearing and never seeing them again. Dying not knowing where they are, where they went or what happened to them. And I think to myself, "Well, if they couldn't have rest and see each other in this life, then at least they have the next life..." And that's when the extremely narrow and limited Catholic view of the afterlife pops in. And then I feel quite hopless. For them and for everyone, including myself. And from this hoplessness there stems a quiet thought that perhaps there is NOTHING after death. That way, we can ALL have rest. Just go to sleep and never wake up. Even if the wicked have the same rest as the poor suffering people, at least the suffering have rest. That renders the wickeds' rest totally irrelevant. I also have been readin about human trafficking, satanic ritail abuse, and other horrible things that happen in this world. The reason why I empathize particularly with missing persons cases is that I myself went through a missing person crisis when I was 12. It was and is nothing compared to the experiences of other people, but it still had a profound effect on me. Basically, my mother went 'missing' for around 5 hours. She didn't actually go missing, but she left her phone somewhere and didn't have it on her so she never picked up when I called her. I don't remember all of the details of that night, but I definitely remember the anguish and desparation. I was panicking, freaking out, and crying. I was crying SO hard. At one point I even felt like I was hyperventilating. I was extremely heartbroken and I just can't describe well enough with words what I felt. But finally, my mother called and explained why she hadnt picked up or told anyone where she went. So my crisis had a happy ending. Even though it left me with separation anxiety until I was 16. Though, even now it manisfests itself somtimes. But when I read of other people who go missing, and their families searching for days, months, years, decades, entire lifetimes! And never finding them, or finding them dead... These stories, I think, trigger within me what I felt that night 7 years ago. And I am filled with so much sadness for them that I feel like Dante when he heard the story of Francesca:
The other one did weep so, that, for pity,
I swooned away as if I had been dying,
And fell, even as a dead body falls.
I just want them to see each other again in the next life. All people who have been seperated. By natural or criminal means. :cry: And I absolutely cannot be happy or at peace knowing the daily suffering of millions around the world. Another thing that bothers me is the Christian idea of collective punishment or guilt. The idea that individuals are punished for the sins of other individuals. Everyone should be responsible for their own sins, not the sins of others. We shouldn't suffer for Adam and Eves sin. Makes no sense to me. I like, however, the eastern Christian view of the afterlife. It's not so defined and excessively detailed like the western view. It's a little more abstract and I guess that gives it a little more wiggle room. I even read from some eastern Christians that there may be a chance for repentance after death...thats comforting. I still might pray the rosary everyday. Still will most likely pray before I eat, go to bed, etc. Though my faith and motivation for life are both dwindling very quickly.
P.s. I see that some people are saying that hell is eternal. I am not denying that. I am only denying the traditional view that hell is all fire and torment. I'd like to believe that only a part of hell is like that. Well, theres my long rant. I just like pouring out my thoughts. Even if no one reads or cares.