I'm a convert.  Several years before I converted, I had a tubal ligation (20 years ago).  I have two children and have been married 24 years.  I learned after my conversation that I'd committed a mortal sin.  I have regretted this sin ever since.  I've grown in my remorse over the years as the depth of my understanding of the gravity of the sin has increased.  It has affected my marriage completely as I cannot separate how I've ruined our lives, our children's lives and our families' lives by denying the conception of more children.  

I initially looked into reversal surgery but discovered that the severity of the cauterization made repair almost completely unlikely and ectopic pregnancy very possible.  

I have confessed this sin.  However, we are hours away from a traditional parish and have only ever been able to attend the N.O. I was given a penance of a couple of prayers and that's it.  I asked the priest once about continuing marital relations with my H and his response was "You'd better."

But I can't seem to let it go to accept that God has forgiven me and that I can and should "move on."  I don't feel that I've adequately paid penance for this sin ... .and have shut myself off from my H in affection and marital intimacy.  My H does not agree with me on this matter and believes that I've done what I'm supposed to do and that I'm supposed to live my life, and act in the manner which a wife is to act.  

I feel like a hypocrite, being a traditional Catholic in a NO parish where we fit right in with our two children.  But I know we wouldn't "fit in" in a traditional parish either where everyone has large families.

My shame is immense.  My remorse is tremendous.  And as I mentioned I've taken it out on my H for not feeling as I do, ,for not understanding and I know being cold to him is wrong as well.

Can anyone help me?

I would speak to a traditional Priest. It would be his role to give you advice, especially if that advice is hard.

It's not the place of some random Internet person -- it doesn't do your situation justice. It should be personal and from a true man of God -- one formed the way priests were always formed (including proper Moral Theology, etc.)

Leaving aside the question of validity of the Novus Ordo and the new rite of ordination, it's a hard fact that seminary formation changed drastically after Vatican II and it's obvious that (novus ordo) priests are starting to lose the faith, or at least be ignorant about parts of it.

We live hundreds of miles from the nearest FSSP.  We've been there a few times in 2009 the year our daughter was confirmed.  But, my experience was that the priests were very busy and gave priority to parishioners.  We're not parishioners and cannot be.  

And thank you for your responses ... especially the poster who has this same problem.  I don't know why but it helps so much to know that I'm not the only one in this predicament.

Thank you I will try to contact that parish and see if they can help.  

Well, I can not say that I have been there, Thank God, but I could have.  You need the Precious Blood, a very good confession. The Precious Blood removes sin.  You need that convincing because this is truth!  St. Paul murdered many Christians and God took him for an apostle.  It is His Precious Blood that makes us new again.  Does you husband feel remorse?  This is very important.  I will keep you in prayer!!

I have just sent an email to the traditional parish we're familiar with .... I just asked to be directed to someone who might be able to help ... or find out if I can make an appointment.

Re: Precious Blood ... yes and a good Confession.  Our NO priest is very nice.  Really nice.  It seems way too easy to me .  Maybe it's my melancholic / choleric temperament .. But after reading the lives of the Saints and the penance that the "Great Magdalens" did in reparation for their sins, I just find it difficult to believe that a prayer is enough.  I sure need direction on this one.

Re: my H., Yes, that's part of the problem. He really believes that once you've confessed and done the required Penance that's it.  He doesn't believe that we're continuing to sin by having marital relations .. and that's a big part of this problem.  He did suggest that I, you know, tell others about my pain and regret ... but, he thinks I'm borrowing trouble.

I've caused him a lot of pain because I've really just closed myself off .. and isolated myself in the last 10 years or so.  There are other reasons to this .. but his lack of understanding has been really hard to take.

And the thing is there's the conflict.  Spouses are not supposed to deny each other, and yet I'm in this conundrum of sinning one way or the other.  I know my H sees my rejection of him in this way as a sin against him .. and that is a sin against charity and that's wrong ... but having contracepted relations is a sin as well.

It reminds me of the current debate with regard to the divorced and remarried.  So they confess but go on living in sin ... how is the issue resolved?

You are duty bound to reverse the tubal. Stating the risks is just an excuse to be selfish.

You are an idiot.

I don't feel that I've adequately paid penance for this sin ... .

Are you aware of the difference between a) being forgiven your sins and b) having no more temporal punishment to do?