I am young, having married in my mid-20s; we've been married almost 6 years now, and we have infertility. My mother-in-law is despairing, thinking she'll never have grandchildren. Relative to when I was younger, I have overcome my desire to have marriage relations; my wife, because she has a rare sɛҳuąƖ pain disorder, has almost never asked me pay the marriage debt. In a way, it seems God has blessed us immensely, because having children would be a distraction from prayer, studying, and contemplating God (cf. 1 Cor. 7). We had a foster child, and the work and distractions in involved in that completely destroyed our desire to have marriage relations.

Does God only send children to those marriages in which the couples have a high sɛҳuąƖ desire?

St. Gregory of Nyssa, the only married Doctor of the Church (that I know of), wrote in his On Virginity ch. 3 what sounds similar to the arguments of those today who can't stand children. It's interesting that he and other Fathers tie marriage and sex to a fear of death. Thus, the "culture of death" is indeed the "culture of sex".

Is the main purpose of marriage and children to control one's sɛҳuąƖ desire (cf. 1 Cor. 7: "better to marry than to be burnt")?

The primary purpose of marriage is the procreation of children.  This is well-established Church teaching.  With that being said, there is no shame for couples that are infertile.  There is also nothing wrong with couples choosing to abstain from the marital act, provided it is a mutual decision.  Either spouse can demand the marital debt at any time, and the other must provide it under pain of sin.

Notwithstanding the foregoing, I find your attitude about children disturbing.  Children are a blessing, and are the primary purpose of getting married.  If you find children distracting from your other pursuits, you probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

Not sure if I am following all of your post, but if you and your wife are truly infertile, then perhaps the loss of desire to have children is a blessing in disguise.  Wanting to have a child and not being able to have one is quite the cross.

What about consulting with a anesthesiologist or pain medicine clinic?

if you and your wife are truly infertile, then perhaps the loss of desire to have children is a blessing in disguise.  Wanting to have a child and not being able to have one is quite the cross.

We want what God wants.

The issue of desire is mysterious to me. Can we make or "condition" ourselves to desire certain things (and wouldn't there have to be a desire presupposing that, ad infinitum?), or does God place all desires in our hearts? Perhaps desire is a lousy guide and we should just abide by reason alone.

I understand, that it might be mental, for the sɛҳuąƖ pain disorder?

There are psychological and physical aspects of it. Her condition is called vaginismus.

This sounds like a spiritual mess to me.

It sounds like you got married for the wrong reasons and are trying to live as a monastic while married, which, if you're marries, is not what you should be doing. Seek holiness? yes. A married religious? No.

And what's this about temptations to sodomy? I'm not called to the seminary, or the monastery, but it wouldn't make me tempted to bugger men even without women for miles. Guys that have that issue, had it before they were isolated from women, it's not to be blamed on want of women.

This sounds like a much, much deeper spiritual disorder, and the fact you were only too happy to jump on the "celibacy" wagon makes me wonder if you knew about her pain issue before you were even married and pursued marriage to give yourself an "out"

The sodomites call these marriages a "beard"


You need spiritual direction, talk to a traditional priest asap. This is weird and I don't think most people here are equipped to deal with this (I say "most" instead of "no one" since its possible that someone has gone through the same confusion, albeit unlikely) nor should people be indulging you in your confusion.

Sometimes, due to circuмstances, we think we've lost the desire (or have at least accepted the infertility) only to find out that the desire really isn't gone after all.  You may find that as you get older and watch this and that person get pregnant and have children that you realize that desire was just dormant. Sometimes it comes on without notice and hurts like hell.