You have information overload because it sounds like basically everything is wrong. The malaise over your relationship is physical, social, psychological, and spiritual. Anyone would feel overwhelmed in your shoes.
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You're right to ask for advice. Reflect on the advice you've been given, pick 1-3 things to try to implement. Remember that online advice is just that: advice from strangers who don't know you and whom you don't know. Take as much salt as you need to, pray for the prudence to understand what applies and what doesn't.
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Let me offer additional (male) perspective on a few things:
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1) Your husband said he would be fine if your relationship didn't generate children, and he probably meant it when he said it, but at a certain point he's not going to be fine with it. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. But I can pretty much guarantee you that after four years he would prefer your marriage to result in children. When you set out to do the trad Catholic thing-- you're ready to sacrifice and do what it takes (and it takes a lot) to raise a family on one income and provide, but there's no children, a kind of despair can set in. Because your family doesn't actually look any different than a typical DINK's family. Except unlike a DINK you're not enjoying anything the world has to offer. This is part of his and your problem. Explore fertility treatments/supplements (not immorally, of course). It will reintroduce purpose to your marriage.
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2) It's time to try something new to give your husband purpose. If for four years (perhaps longer, depending on how long you two courted) you've been chasing different diets and exploring a bunch of fringe health solutions-- few of which have made a substantial difference-- go off script. Build a Lego set together. Get some exotic plants or a terrarium for the apartment. Play video games together. Buy some adult coloring books. Get him a model train set. Buy him a fishing pole. Like literally anything that constitutes a hobby and might shake him out of his rut, as well as the rut you two share together. It doesn't sound like it can get worse and it doesn't sound like what you've done so far has made that much difference. It's likely that a hobby won't solve all your problems, but the old saying is that a change is as good as a rest, and it might help jump start something.
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3) It isn't normal that a ~20 something y.o. man with a new wife and no children doesn't have energy or motivation for sex. I know you're not looking for diet/health advice, but if you are doing everything you can to make him interested, there's something seriously wrong with him. Does he have pornography habits? You don't need to answer that. And if you don't suspect it, you don't need to start suspecting it. Men aren't very good at hiding it even when they try. If you already suspected it, and if there's something to it, absolutely nothing will improve until that problem is excised like the cancer it is.
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4) Explore the tick-borne illness angle.
Thank you for your kind reply and these suggestions, I appreciate this very much and will be prudent and pray, considering what has been said.
I think my husband's condition is what has caused his low testosterone levels. At their worst, they were closer to zero than what is considered normal. I got him some cow testicle that helped with his energy and brought the levels up. However, he cannot gain muscle for the life of him, and has the appearance of never completely finishing puberty. I do not say he should gain muscle for vanity reasons, I emphasize it because it is indicative of a serious problem, and this even with whey protein powders, lots of meat, etc. NOTHING. If he is able to gain weight, it goes to his stomach.
I can even gain muscle without issues if I want to. My husband therefore does not have a normal drive for the marriage act, and would complain about how tiring it is, having problems while doing it. He would even fall asleep during it sometimes. He likes doing historical research and has more fun with that than anything else. In many ways, he reminds me of a little boy. Except when a little boy lashes out, it's not as scary as when grown man does.
When we were not celibate, I would literally be waiting for him sometimes for 20 minutes, while he was distracted by his historical research. I asked if I am doing something to take away interest, and he said no. I thought maybe I am not beautiful enough, but all my life I had lots of male attention and was constantly told how beautiful I was by everyone, even strangers, and I never wore makeup while we courted, and my husband was always saying how pretty I was without makeup.
I do have sɛҳuąƖ trauma, and consummating the marriage was an absolute nightmare of physical pain for me, I cannot express how painful it was, I normally do not cry out when in pain but I did then, it was awful. I do not think it was painful because of the trauma though, I'm sorry to give details but for me it feels like someone is pushing my bowels up to my stomach. Even invasive medical tests have been really hard to do. I think maybe that discouraged him. I consulted priests before marriage about having sɛҳuąƖ trauma, and they said I should go ahead. I did not realize how painful intercourse can be. But I tried really hard to overcome this, and he has actually become angry with me during the act too, because of low testosterone causing him problems, and it renewed the trauma I had, and I would freeze up in shock.
I remember thinking before marriage that I would be fine if I knew the person loved me. He had another problem related to the act that had nothing to do with me, and he took the anger out on me as well, and this on our honeymoon. What angers me is how nonchalant the priests were in advising me. How is one supposed to know what the marriage act will be like when you're a virgin? Then you get married and can't go back. My husband knew about this trauma too, I wanted to be as honest as possible before marriage, and other women I talked or listened to who were sɛҳuąƖly abused said their husband was patient and kind and helped encourage healing from a renewed experience. I happened to marry someone with anger issues, though. And what is worse is I feel I lost my virginity for nothing, no children, nothing good has come from it. It gives me infections, makes me bloated and sad.
My husband has a horror for pornography, it brings tears to his eyes when he considers the evil of it. However he does have a history of using it in the past, I do not think he would again though. But he has complained I am not vocal enough in expressing pleasure during the act, which to me seems like he is expecting me to be a porn star that he has watched.
I'm sorry I just do not know who to tell these things to, who will understand? Everyone would be horrified, no women today would understand, and priests would just ignore me probably thinking I am crazy or something.
Can you give me some further male insight into something?
Last night we were talking about sports, and he said that he never liked team sports, because he could not ever see things from another's' point of view, since being able to play in a team requires that you trust each other and understand how to work with one another. He remarked that it was not due to pride, he just can't understand people and then he banged the table as he said he learned he had to use force with people to get things done the way he wanted to. What does this mean? Does he have an extremely low social IQ or something? I was left totally confused. I am good at hiding it though, he said I remind him of a childish cartoon where this wildly emotional dog was infatuated with a calm kitten, him being the dog and me the kitten. At least there are cute moments like this the odd time.
Topic: Husband troubles (Read 27678 times)