Author Topic: Hated for My Own Sake (Read 2070 times)

Änσnymσus · « **on:** March 03, 2015, 09:51:32 AM »

I am hated by my in-laws, by my H's friends and their wives and by all the friends I've ever had over my lifetime.

The In-laws it's because I've been expressive about the Faith and for a long time, I stupidly and foolishly emailed a lot of information out there to several of them, until I finally got a hold of myself and stopped it. I know they talk about everyone in the family and I know they've talked about how rude and annoying, etc. I am.

My H's friends hate me because their wives hate me and wouldn't extend a word to me when I've been in their company, I can only guess at that time it was initially because of my being "different" (not working homeschooling the kids, being "religious") and ultimately because they had the clique they'd developed over years to safeguard. If they'd gotten to know me, I'm sure they would have found additional reasons to hate me (see below).

Friends from childhood, teen years and early twenties. All these friendships ended because I'm a jerk, apparently. Even before I became Catholic, I had a toxic personality: judgmental, opinionated, self-righteous, self-centered. So, it all ended and now I haven't had a friend in 17 years.

So, now I'm learning to shut up. I'm learning not to try to reach out. I know that I will blow it if I make a new friend, someone who doesn't know what my problem is. It's a definite lesson in humility to be so repugnant to people.

I no longer trust myself to be able to keep quiet after getting to know people. I seem to have no long-term control over my tongue and when I get more familiar, it all spews out. So I do not want to continue on this way. The only reason I even met H's friend's wives is because H wanted me to, and I knew it wasn't going to work out. I'm glad now they weren't welcoming, because I inevitably would have spewed something in opinion, or talked about myself, and would have regretted it.

My question: "if your tongue causes you to sin" ..... I have no self-control. I pray, and fast and receive the sacraments (including Confession). I need to stay away from people to not sin. Am I looking at this the wrong way? How do I deal with this?

I know I'm annoying in how I communicate and ask your patience and forgiveness for my repulsive state. Maybe just consider it verbal leprosy.

Thank you.

Jaynek · « **Reply #1 on:** March 03, 2015, 10:06:52 AM »

I don't have any advice, but I deal with similar problems (online especially) and I can relate to what you are saying. I am praying for you.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #2 on:** March 03, 2015, 10:38:28 AM »

Dear OP,

I understand where you are coming from. Although I am not married and I do not have children, I can relate when it comes to being ostracized for expressing the faith in which I believe, and also living my life in the way that my faith calls me to live.

First, allow me to say that the fact that you stay at home is enough for recognition. It is a humble thing for a mother to stay at home and be with her children, it is a great thing really. So, don't look at yourself as some sort of backwards character because you are doing what is the best for your children.

Secondly, it is hard to do the right thing all of the time. It is one of the hardest things in life to do. Yet, we also believe that we can receive sufficient grace to perform all of the necessary duties in life. Rely on God, and He will show you that He is the only Friend you will ever need. Plus, you have a whole bunch of friends in heaven who are willing to pray for you and to help you in your struggle. Saint Anthony has always been a good friend to me, as well as Saint Benedict- Saint Francis being another. Find your friend, he or she is waiting for you to discover them.

Thirdly, allow me to be the "devil's advocate" here :devil2:. When it comes to being able to convert people and to have someone see the same truth that you see yourself, understand that it was your own personal decision to hold the faith you profess. The Catholic Church is the True Church outside of which there is no Salvation, yes. This truth is not relative. Yet, "perceived" truth is a relative thing. Some people want to believe one thing, others another. It is a personal decision that they have made. With this country being the way that it is and without a universal acceptance of the Truth, the whole idea of Catholicism in general is so far-fetch'd to people that it is more effort than it is worth to constantly convey the truth to an individual (or group of individuals) who does/do not want to listen. St. Paul tells us to warn others "once or twice"! Imagine if he said to take a whole lifetime to warn a single individual before avoiding them... My point in this paragraph is to work on yourself first. We all have a lot of things that we need to fix about ourselves. Conversions of outside individuals, I have found, are normally reserved for the priestly class. Laymen and laywomen are not normally reserved for these sorts of works. You have a family! They will be more than willing to listen to you more than all of your husband's friends will ever care to. My mom had a big impact on me.

Lastly, it is good to abhor human respect. If that means not having friends, we have to gird our loins and accept that people in this age are just not that friendly. We have become so selfish that we will reject anything not remotely close to what we desire for ourselves. I have lost most of the "friends" that I used to have. I say, good riddance to the lot of you. What kind of positive influence are these people having? Obviously, not too much of it, because you (just like I do) have to avoid people in order to avoid sin. Ah, what a terrible age we are in! So devoid of love, so devoid of true love, yes.

Find your friend. He or she is waiting for you.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #3 on:** March 03, 2015, 10:43:19 AM »

I would love to have a friend like you, a sinner fully conscious of her faults and wanting to change. When you think about it, isn't that what our Catholic life is all about? Constant repentance and commitment to be better?

You may be surprised how many people love you. For example, your fellow Catholics love you because you desire to be holy. But your real friends are innumerable, friends without fault, who will happily intercede for you if you ask for their help. Start with your guardian angel and your patron saint(s).

What a treasure!

Is your husband a traditional Catholic also? If so, how does he feel about all this? What is his advice? Are you humble enough yet to abide by his counsel? If he is not, seek the counsel of your priest.

At the risk of sounding new age ish :dancing-banana: it's never too late to begin again. Make today the beginning of a new you and commit yourself to it.
-Mark this day by going to confession, if possible.
-Start a daily devotion to your favorite saint and begin each day with it, and your other daily prayers.
-Focus your readings and study on perfecting those faults that you despise most.

Get up early with a delicious cup of coffee or tea and be with your Savior to plan the day together. Be excited about it! The old you and all those so called friends who hate you are dead. The new you, living only for Christ and not concerned with human respect, is alive! She is the one that will hold her head with dignity in their company, or in the presence of ANY enemy of Christ. She is the one who will set an example of conversion, often without saying a word.

One more thing. A feminine thing. I may get a down thumb for this, but here goes. Change your hair to outwardly mark your commitment to inner change and beginning a new life. (ask your husband what he may like)
There's a deep psych connection to hair change and life change.
There's other tricks like that, such as, rearranging your furniture or starting a new habit.. perhaps a walk with your husband after dinner each night, or beginning a date night. We go to the library on ours LOL!

Live for Christ, hold him close in your heart, and you will no longer worry about who hates you.

Cantarella · « **Reply #4 on:** March 03, 2015, 11:14:04 AM »

Here, some verses from Holy Scripture to reflect upon:

Matthew 10:34. "Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword.

35 "For I have come to 'set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law';

36 "and 'a man's enemies will be those of his own household.'

------------------------

It is very important to set your priorities. For a Catholic, that priority must be the salvation of his soul and pleasing God alone, even at the expense of being rejected by the world. As a matter of fact that is to be expected, says Our Lord:

"If the world hate you, know ye, that it hath hated me before you. If you had been of the world, the world would love its own: but because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you." (John 15:18-19)

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #5 on:** March 03, 2015, 01:26:28 PM »

Thank you all for your replies, I so appreciate you taking the time to share you thoughts and prayers with me.

I do a lot of reading. I'm currently re-reading "Introduction to the Devout Life" St. Francis de Sales and "My Sister St. Therese" and bits and pieces of "Imitation of Christ" (again, I've read it many times).

I get up early and have coffee and read these books and pray the Rosary and other prayers. I often listen to AUDIO SANCTO sermons. I've been trying to make sure I go to monthly Confession every month this year, but have already fallen out, now it's going on 6 weeks because of family obligations on the last 2 Saturdays.

My H is a traditional Catholic sympathizer ... but he is a very relaxed personality about most things and does not at all relate to my perspective on things nor feel personally compelled to practice his faith with such attention to regular Confession, noticing and correcting venial sins, avoiding problematic situations...

We do not have access to a traditional parish.

His opinion is that I need to lighten up

and he thinks I should go be social and help people in some way. He has no other ideas of what that looks like, but like so much well meaning advice, it does not take into account that I am an introvert and that I am personally battling with the problem of TALKING TOO MUCH, GOSSIPING AND TALKING ABOUT MYSELF all the time. Which I think now I must have developed as trying to cope with high levels of social anxiety. The compulsive aspect to it seems to indicate this.

What kind of help can I give where I won't be expected to have conversations with people? And frankly, trying to be quiet is a great idea, but if I try really hard to be quiet, then I offend people by not being more sociable. I can't seem to find that middle ground. I would prefer to be behind the scenes in some way. Does helping others only count if it's being sociable and talking?

For instance, I wouldn't mind cleaning the church. Or ironing the altar linens. And sure, I could tell someone I was available for that. But this church highly values being a visible actor in the parish milieu and I have reason to believe that they would suggest I become involved in some other "ministry" that wouldn't be a good fit for someone like me.

I'm talking too much! Go figure!

Cantarella · « **Reply #6 on:** March 03, 2015, 01:50:55 PM »

Quote from: OP

I do a lot of reading. I'm currently re-reading "Introduction to the Devout Life" St. Francis de Sales and "My Sister St. Therese" and bits and pieces of "Imitation of Christ" (again, I've read it many times).

Hi OP guest,

Now that you mentioned St. Francis de Sales, I remember reading yesterday something that it might be helpful to your current situation. The article is about Elegance and Modesty in the Catholic woman. It is a very good read! The original article is in Portuguese, but you can google translate it. God bless.

Quote

7. Be Smart and Modest is not the same as being relativistic

Everything we say here is extremely important to be elegant and modest daughter of Our Lady. However we can not misrepresent the true meaning of Christian charity, love of neighbor and meekness that are important virtues.

St. Alphonsus Liguori said (as seen above) that St. Francis de Sales is a model of meekness . He was always smiling, good-humored, cheerful and was good to all, but we know very well that he was not relativistic, ie not accept willingly the company's mistakes to please others. Accept the mistake / sin to please the other is called "Human Respect" and that is sin and demonic is when is a cause of offense to God. Silence at the wrong time can be sin also for example when we see someone attacking the Church and not to defend. It is our duty and obligation to defend our faith. "Always be prepared to answer to everyone who asks you a reason for your hope." (1 Pt 3: 15).

Even the St. Francis de Sales , example of love and gentleness did not fail to condemn the errors when necessary, in Filoteia book, he says the following:

"The declared enemies of God and of the Church should be vilified as much as it can, provided they do not miss the truth, with charity work to shout 'behold the wolf!' when is among the herd or in any place where it is found. " [3]

Therefore, we can see that it is quite possible and even necessary to condemn the errors and heresies, and this is also an act of charity on our part.

Another saint who did not mince words to condemn the errors was St. Peter. Pio of Pietrelcina . He even called the immodest women in the confessionals of "nuts". He was not wrong in doing so. How come? a) He did not lie. He spoke the truth; b) No order mock someone for free; c) did not want to make fun of a virtue, but warned a person who was making a mistake. d) It is the duty of every priest guide women and men and modesty, he was doing his duty. Among other reasons. So he also told us:

"I want all of you my dear spiritual children, fight by example, and without human respect a holy battle against indecent fashion. God will be with you and will save them." St. Peter. Pio of Pietrelcina

"No human respect." That is, without fear of telling the truth to please others. Without hiding the truth to be well regarded, or nice. Telling the truth is also an act of charity. Let us be so charitable.

http://floresdamodestia.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-elegancia-e-etiqueta-da-mulher.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FPlFyF+%28Feminina%2C+Modesta+e+Elegante%29

Nadir · « **Reply #7 on:** March 03, 2015, 08:18:18 PM »

Speaking about St Francis de Sales, he may be the man for you, dear OP.

Quote

St Vincent de Paul said of him, in praise of his gentleness, “How good God must be, since the bishop of Geneva, His minister, is so good!” At times the great meekness with which he received heretics and sinners almost scandalized his friends, and they protested when he received insults in silence. Their criticism was answered thus: “You would have me lose in one instant all the meekness I have been able to acquire by 20 years of efforts? I would rather account to God for too great gentleness than for too great severity. God the Father is the Father of mercy; God the Son is a Lamb; God the Holy Ghost is a Dove; are you wiser than God?”

You see, Francis was naturally hot-tempered and easily roused to anger but he had vowed to take as his model Jesus Who has said, "Learn of me, for I am meek and humble of heart", by means of constant watchfulness over himself and of violence to his own will, he learned to curb and to control the promptings of nature to such an extent that he became a living likeness of the God of Peace and Meekness. His meekness was therefore an effect of his tremendous will power, constantly strengthened by his lively faith and the fires of divine love which burned within him.

So St Francis de Sales needed 20 years to achieve the good results. It may require a whole lifetime to overcome our bad habits, but never give up, OP.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #8 on:** March 03, 2015, 10:10:21 PM »

Wow! You sound like me, or I like you! Yes, we sound the same. My husband too was just as you say. We were not on the same page. I like getting into religious readings and learning more and I strive for once a month confession.

I am not liked by my mother, siblings. mom is 83 yr and my siblings are age 63-50 yr. And after trying, they know where I am.

Then my husband is a dear, but he too was what I would call lukewarm in Faith. That is dangerous. He was not a good influence with our children. So, for now, 1 is no religion, 1 is trying, 2 are firm. My husband had to hit mortal sin and he came back strong! I hate to say it, but something serious has to hit maybe a crisis and then it humbles us and then we wake up. You know, we are weak and when we take God more seriously and are sorrowful we can come back stronger, like, I'll never do that stupid move again!

When this happens it is a bittersweet episode. You cry for sorrow and you cry for the beauty of a returned soul. You Thank God for the Precious Blood of confession.

Keep your husband in much prayer and don't change your ways that is your personality. Sending articles and things for family and friends to read, if they don't like it, than let it go. The power to harden hearts will always be prayer,rosary. The fastest way is Jesus through Mary, consecration. That is the way we should go, through Mary.
Pray, Pray and Our Lady says, "Pray the Rosary better".

One time I was able to read Federal Grants and I saw and was around evil and I tried so much to tell people what was happening and it fell on deaf ears. They would say things like: And what do you want me to do about it? They was a very good question. Why was I telling them and so, I found myself bringing this in the nest at home. I knew it was not good and I did not know how to manage what I was into. That was when I was in the New Order. When we got into the Traditional I found my answer. The True Mass has the Precious Blood and Body of Christ that is the power to deal with evil. I was able to be satisfied that this True Mass and all the sacraments were the answer and I could relax. It was in God's hands and our hands when we take on the True sacraments!

poche · « **Reply #9 on:** March 03, 2015, 11:48:19 PM »

Quote from: Guest

I am hated by my in-laws, by my H's friends and their wives and by all the friends I've ever had over my lifetime.

The In-laws it's because I've been expressive about the Faith and for a long time, I stupidly and foolishly emailed a lot of information out there to several of them, until I finally got a hold of myself and stopped it. I know they talk about everyone in the family and I know they've talked about how rude and annoying, etc. I am.

My H's friends hate me because their wives hate me and wouldn't extend a word to me when I've been in their company, I can only guess at that time it was initially because of my being "different" (not working homeschooling the kids, being "religious") and ultimately because they had the clique they'd developed over years to safeguard. If they'd gotten to know me, I'm sure they would have found additional reasons to hate me (see below).

Friends from childhood, teen years and early twenties. All these friendships ended because I'm a jerk, apparently. Even before I became Catholic, I had a toxic personality: judgmental, opinionated, self-righteous, self-centered. So, it all ended and now I haven't had a friend in 17 years.

So, now I'm learning to shut up. I'm learning not to try to reach out. I know that I will blow it if I make a new friend, someone who doesn't know what my problem is. It's a definite lesson in humility to be so repugnant to people.

I no longer trust myself to be able to keep quiet after getting to know people. I seem to have no long-term control over my tongue and when I get more familiar, it all spews out. So I do not want to continue on this way. The only reason I even met H's friend's wives is because H wanted me to, and I knew it wasn't going to work out. I'm glad now they weren't welcoming, because I inevitably would have spewed something in opinion, or talked about myself, and would have regretted it.

My question: "if your tongue causes you to sin" ..... I have no self-control. I pray, and fast and receive the sacraments (including Confession). I need to stay away from people to not sin. Am I looking at this the wrong way? How do I deal with this?

I know I'm annoying in how I communicate and ask your patience and forgiveness for my repulsive state. Maybe just consider it verbal leprosy.

Thank you.

This says more about them than it does about you.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #10 on:** March 04, 2015, 12:23:06 PM »

It is helping me a lot to hear from all of you. Your prayers are probably responsible for some illuminating observations I had yesterday after I'd posted this.

I began thinking about how I was being impatient for results .. and then I thought that it could and probably would continue my whole life, the things that I struggle with, and that that was the way it was supposed to be. Then I thought about how I was feeling sorry for myself, dismayed over lacking human affection in my life by those outside my immediate family ... But again, do I really want affection from people who are living outside of God's will and mercy? If they really liked me what would that mean, exactly? That I was nice and tolerant and accepting of ____________________ (fill in the blank) ?

Now if I had it to do again, I wouldn't send people things to read about morals / values or The Faith. I would just do what I am doing: pray for them. Then, I would be polite and kind to them in the context of seeing them at family gatherings.

I think what I'm going through is growing pains. And growing pains hurt. And I am in the habit of wanting escape from any pain, emotional or physical. Plus and I hate to say it because I am proud, but it always comes back to pride. And pride is at the heart of every struggle one way or another.

I used to pray to be able to have access to a Traditional Latin Mass, then I stopped because I felt the prayers were just not going to be answered now or maybe ever. It would be contingent upon my H completely changing and us moving far from where we live now. I also thought that this Novus Ordo Mass may end up being the last mass of any kind we have should things continue in the direction they are in this country. But I think I will continue to pray, acknowledging my acceptance of God's will whatever ends up happening or not happening.

About my H. I've thought that too ... that it's going to take something "big" for him to really respond to God's grace. He has many things blocking him from changing .... and it would take a miracle ... need to pray to St. Anthony on this.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it helps a lot.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #11 on:** March 04, 2015, 12:51:37 PM »

fwiw, I really like you OP. Your humility has been rewarded with much spiritual growth and made room for God's wisdom. I wish I had that kind of holiness. Keep doing what you're doing.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #12 on:** March 05, 2015, 05:49:23 PM »

If they really liked you? You are your thoughts? there is a book, "All for Jesus", written by Father Faber a very long time ago. He is a convert and when he writes in this book, he says why conversion is slow coming to protestants and such, BUT he writes how you can Like/Love God better, by forgetting yourself. But he says all the different ways that pleases Jesus and it is worth paying out for. It is a paperback, at www.JoyfulCatholic.com This book was reprinted, that is, it was very old and never reprinted or for sale til now. Check out that site! I particularly like the Precious Blood that Fr. Faber wrote and he wrote another on the Eucharist. But try this book first, you will be pleased and it will give you more excitement and will direct you!

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #13 on:** March 05, 2015, 06:06:37 PM »

Thanks, I'll check it out.

I'm not sure what you were referencing regarding "if they really liked you" and "you are your thoughts?"

People tend to like people who agree with and approve of their choices in life. We all like that. We tend to relish attention and compliments, understanding and support. Don't we? I do, anyway. So, if I was buddy buddy with my in laws than that would necessarily open up a whole other thing regarding conversations and things that would be about stuff I can't possibly be neutral or supportive about.

I am my thoughts ... ? Yeah, I guess it seems that way. The "me" thing, my personality, my experiences, my perceptions .. I guess that seems like "me."

Author Topic: Hated for My Own Sake (Read 2070 times)

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