Unfaithfulness, adultery.

Alcoholism or drug-problems.

Physical or verbal abuse.

Oh, there is a reason!  Will the person come forward and say what it is?

Quote from: Guest

what to do if there doesnt seem to be a fair reason like you listed, its been going on for years, even after talking to trad pastor and a counselor?

That must be hard. If I was married and my wife always refused the marital debt I would probably stop asking for it. My reasoning is that every time she refuses the debt without a good reason it is another sin on her part, so if I stopped asking it would prevent her from sinning.

Is the marriage consumated?
Have you spoken to a priest?
Is your wife sick?

If you're dealing with 100% refusal (not just pushing you off most of the time) and have 0 children, I think you have 2 paths -- how to work toward solving the problem OR how to work toward getting out of the situation.

If your spouse does not intend to have children, then the marriage may be invalid.

Communication!

Until you break through to the reason why she's pushing you off, you won't be able to resolve the problem. If it takes visiting the counselor to get her to open up, then that's what you should do. I'm not surprised that you don't get very far with your Trad priest as it does take a certain calling to be able to help people get to the real heart of the problem and they generally have dozens of other (easier) things demanding their attention.

Some possibilities:
- uninterested in physical relations and not aware that it's her duty even if she doesn't feel like it
- afraid of pregnancy / children ... is she a stay-at-home wife or would children force her into a major life change?
- unhappy with you and/or her life in general ... there could be as little as one real problem upsetting her and everything else can fall into the pattern of general unhappiness

Try investing a good deal of time talking to her without expecting anything in return. Offer the short-term suffering up for the long-term good of your marriage. And, pray often -- both with her and for her.

Sex isn't about "getting it".  It's an expression of love and pestering or pressuring for sex is not an expression of love.  When a woman feels loved, honored, and cherished she usually wants to have sex with her husband but being pressured or pestered is a total turn off.

A man needs to woo his wife, not demand his rights.  (not something men in general like to hear)  But romance usually works with a woman!  Not if the romance is used to manipulate though, it must be genuine.  We don't like feeling "used" or manipulated.

Treat her with a lot of TLC for the next 1,2,3 months with no expectation of a "return" and then talk with her and see if you might be doing something that turns her off.

Speaking as a woman who has talked with a lot of other women (yes we do talk about sex with one another) I can tell you that husbands have an (unconscious) habit of doing things that douse our ardour and what should be an expression of love becomes a chore and that disappointment leads us to avoid it.  Sex should not be a chore  for either the husband or the wife.

Just my 2 cents.

p.s.  if you really think a counsellor is called for do not go to a priest, they know nothing about the sɛҳuąƖ dynamics between men and women, it's just not part of their world.  A conservative married man or woman would be able to give better advice.  

Think of it this way, would you go to a priest for specific financial advice?  True, he can tell you to be responsible with your money and may be able to give some general advice about the wisdom of savings but he could not give you specific advice about reaching your financial goals.  It's similar with husband/wife issues.  The priest can give you general advice about responsibilities but not detailed advice on how to have a happy and fulfilling married life, for that you need advice from someone who is married.