Author Topic: Forgiving a bad mother (Read 6064 times)

Änσnymσus · « **on:** April 04, 2016, 06:00:00 PM »

Are we called to unconditionally forgive a bad parent (getting old) when there is no the slightest sign for repentance or ask for forgiveness?

To what extent the fourth commandment applies to an abusive narcissistic parent?

I am afraid my soul is in the state of sin for harboring such feelings of resentment towards my mother. I am an only child and feel like during my entire life, I have been just a scapegoat for her emotional turmoil and pathetic immaturity. She is infantile, like an wounded child who never grew up. Father, or course, was absolutely absent from my life (all her doing - she is a Feminist).

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #1 on:** April 04, 2016, 06:08:10 PM »

Sorry, I meant the fifth commandment: "Honor thy father and thy mother".

AnonymousCatholic · « **Reply #2 on:** April 04, 2016, 06:42:13 PM »

Quote from: Guest

Are we called to unconditionally forgive a bad parent (getting old) when there is no the slightest sign for repentance or ask for forgiveness?

To what extent the fourth commandment applies to an abusive narcissistic parent?

I am afraid my soul is in the state of sin for harboring such feelings of resentment towards my mother. I am an only child and feel like during my entire life, I have been just a scapegoat for her emotional turmoil and pathetic immaturity. She is infantile, like an wounded child who never grew up. Father, or course, was absolutely absent from my life (all her doing - she is a Feminist).

Define forgive. Do you mean forgive as in involve her in every aspect of your life and act like she isn't a God-less heathen or simply not being malicious towards her?

As for the fifth commandment, my understanding is to make sure you provide proper burial for your parent and see that they get last rites if it's possible. Remember your mother is supposed to serve you through proper parenting and providing for you, not vice versa.

Nadir · « **Reply #3 on:** April 05, 2016, 01:34:27 AM »

You have a really hard work cut out for you.

God commands us:

Quote

Exodus 20: [12] Honour thy father and thy mother, that thou mayest be long-lived upon the land which the Lord thy God will give thee.

and Saint Paul reiterates in the Epistle To The Ephesians Chapter 6

Quote

[2] Honour thy father and thy mother, which is the first commandment with a promise: [3] That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest be long lived upon earth.

As you can see, there are consequences of honoring such a mother as yours. It is easy enough to love a loving lovable Mother but to love a selfish mother must be so hard. Nevertheless, for your own growth in holiness and happiness, it is necessary to honor her.

St Luke 6:27 and 32

Quote

But I say to you that hear: Love your enemies, do good to them that hate you.....
And if you love them that love you, what thanks are to you? for sinners also love those that love them.

It would be a heroic achievement - to be able to overcome your sad or angry feelings - for which God will reward you. It will be a life-long struggle for you, I think.

Have you discussed this with your confessor? He may have some advice by which you could benefit.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #4 on:** April 05, 2016, 10:26:56 AM »

Quote from: Nadir

You have a really hard work cut out for you.

God commands us:
Quote
Exodus 20: [12] Honour thy father and thy mother, that thou mayest be long-lived upon the land which the Lord thy God will give thee.

and Saint Paul reiterates in the Epistle To The Ephesians Chapter 6

Quote
[2] Honour thy father and thy mother, which is the first commandment with a promise: [3] That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest be long lived upon earth.

As you can see, there are consequences of honoring such a mother as yours. It is easy enough to love a loving lovable Mother but to love a selfish mother must be so hard. Nevertheless, for your own growth in holiness and happiness, it is necessary to honor her.

St Luke 6:27 and 32
Quote
But I say to you that hear: Love your enemies, do good to them that hate you.....
And if you love them that love you, what thanks are to you? for sinners also love those that love them.

It would be a heroic achievement - to be able to overcome your sad or angry feelings - for which God will reward you. It will be a life-long struggle for you, I think.

Have you discussed this with your confessor? He may have some advice by which you could benefit.

I have, and the first thing he said was to give thanks to the Holy Ghost for revealing this abuse to me. (I was completely blind and manipulated for decades, again I'm an only child, her scapegoat). With no dad, or siblings, or anybody else, she was the only thing I knew and could attach to. I realized of this narcissistic abuse as an adult and I am still In total shock, connecting the dots that lead to my misfortune and she is behind them all! This is the type of feminist woman who resented motherhood, victimized herself and resented me for it. She hated to be called "mommy" (it was probably too demeaning or conventional in her eyes) but I had to call her by her name instead, like if we were friends.

I used to adore my mom and tell her everything about my life, but she has managed to totally obliterate my love and destroy our relationship because that is what selfish, self-centered, and evil women do. That is why this type of women die in loneliness, loved by no one. A bad mother alone can destroy an entire generation!

I do not think that all women can be or should be mothers (it really is a vocation) and I think it is a lie and a myth that all mothers are good and loving. There are a lot of bad mothers out there.

Matthew · « **Reply #5 on:** April 05, 2016, 10:50:36 AM »

Quote from: Guest

Sorry, I meant the fifth commandment: "Honor thy father and thy mother".

No, for Catholics, especially Traditional Catholics, the Fourth Commandment is "Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother" and the Fifth Commandment is "Thou Shalt Not Kill"

You must be using a protestant numbering of the Commandments.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #6 on:** April 05, 2016, 03:08:30 PM »

I likewise have a narcissistic, elderly mother who hates the Catholic Faith. She uses impure language even around my children and blasphemes the Blessed Sacrament (out of ignorance I think). Since she is proudly independent and is financially secure she has no current material need for me to be actively in her life. I went "low contact" with her several years ago to limit her from being around my children. It enraged her and she wrote self-pitying letters to me a few times.

I have confessed this situation to several priests and essentially got the same message: continue to pray daily and make sacrifices for her repentance and make sure she has my address and phone number. I do send Christmas and Easter cards but that's it. And I have let her know I seek her conversion to the Catholic Faith. I never heard back from her after that.

I bring honor to her by being a good Catholic, practicing the Faith with sincerity, raising her grandchildren to fear God, and by bringing no shame on the family.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #7 on:** April 05, 2016, 08:00:25 PM »

Quote from: Guest

Are we called to unconditionally forgive a bad parent (getting old) when there is no the slightest sign for repentance or ask for forgiveness?

To what extent the fourth commandment applies to an abusive narcissistic parent?

I am afraid my soul is in the state of sin for harboring such feelings of resentment towards my mother. I am an only child and feel like during my entire life, I have been just a scapegoat for her emotional turmoil and pathetic immaturity. She is infantile, like an wounded child who never grew up. Father, or course, was absolutely absent from my life (all her doing - she is a Feminist).

Yes, we're obliged to forgive unconditionally, because there were never any conditions given by Our Lord, or Tradition, as to when not to forgive. And we're obliged to provide for our parents when they need help, as much as our situation allows.

I have the same trial. I try to do these things to overcome my resentment:

Remember Blessed Margaret of Castello.
Remember that of those to whom much is given, much will be expected, and of those to whom less was given, less will be expected. This helps me if I'm tempted to envy people from good families.
Remember the reward in the next life that's promised to those who keep the Commandments.
Remember that you, as long as you're in a state of grace, are Heavenbound, and your mother doesn't seem to be. Try to pity her, if you can't forgive her yet. Imagine her in hell, if you have to, to arouse pity.
Take care of yourself and see to your needs without looking back on your childhood, which is in the past where it belongs.
Remember that when you're angry or resentful, it's a kind of insult to God, Who gave you that mother for your sanctification. Try to figure out what He might have had in mind for you in that regard. How might He expect you to sanctify yourself with such a mother?
Focus on the present as much as possible, not the past nor the future.
Take your feelings into your prayer life and try not to complain to anyone except maybe a close friend or two. It can be a hard habit to break, but it really helps everyone.
Keep thanking God for showing you all these things about your mother.

It goes without saying, I hope, that your prayer and sacramental life should come before any advice. I'm just sharing other little practices that have helped me.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #8 on:** April 05, 2016, 08:11:09 PM »

I found that when I first succeeded at pitying and forgiving my bad parents, I fell into despair for their salvation. So when that happens I imagine them converting and being better Catholics than I am. How's your imagination?! : )

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #9 on:** April 05, 2016, 08:22:52 PM »

I forgot to say: I also try to remember that, given this particular trial, my Catholic faith is a miracle. Because my parents were my first experience with God, and since they were not so good in some ways, it made it harder to love God.

I examine my conscience daily, and go to Confession at least every 2 weeks. I'm aware of how easily I could lose my soul if I don't confess every sinful thought against my parents, and against God for giving them to me.

It's not sinful for you just to see and articulate what kind of a mother you have, as far as I can tell from your posts. None of what you've said about her seems to show any sign of wishing her harm. So I think you're off to a very good start. I hope that gives you some consolation.

If you can sanctify yourself with such a mother, you will draw many more people to the Church than if your mother was a saint.

Prayers for you, dear.

Nadir · « **Reply #10 on:** April 05, 2016, 08:27:29 PM »

Excellent advice re Margaret of Castello. You couldn't have a better patroness.

Quote

Bl Margaret of Castello, Patron of the Unwanted
13 April

Born of a wealthy, noble family near Florence in 1287, Margaret was a hunch-backed blind dwarf. Unloved by her family, for 14 years they kept her imprisoned in a cell attached to a chapel. She came to know God through the family chaplain who saw that her brilliant mind was hungry for the things of God.

Seeking a miracle, her parents took her to a shrine and when she wasn’t cured, they abandoned her in a strange city. Beggars befriended and watched over her that first night. They introduced her to families who were sympathetic to the poor.

Margaret's story became known. As she would not speak a harsh word against her parents but claimed to love them, the Castello folk began to regard her with awe. Families let her live in their homes, honored by her presence. The nuns invited her to live with them. Here she spent many joyous days where she helped prepare meals, clean the convent, and do other chores. When the foundress died and the nuns relaxed their rule, Margaret still kept the rule she had followed at her entry. This austerity in the face of the convent's laxity upset the sisters who asked Margaret to leave. “If the nuns asked her to leave she's not as holy as we thought," the Castello folk whispered. Cruel remarks were flung in Margaret's direction. Margaret bore this persecution and defended the sisters, telling of their kindness and patience.

Attending a Dominican church, Margaret was attracted to the order of the Mantellate, which became the Third Order of St Dominic. Margaret wished to join, so the prior of the church instructed her in Dominican spirituality with its emphasis on study, prayer, and penance. Clothed with the Dominican habit, Margaret daily recited all 150 Psalms and spent whole nights in prayer. She cared for the sick and dying, so bringing many sinners to conversion and penance through her example and her prayers to St Joseph. She visited the prisons, bringing food, clothing, and medicine, and many prisoners returned to the Church.

Since her death at 33, she has continued to help those who pray to her. Many cures have been attributed to her intercession. Margaret's incorrupt body lies under the main altar in St Dominic Church in Castello.

Student of Qi · « **Reply #11 on:** April 08, 2016, 01:09:32 AM »

Quote from: Matthew

Quote from: Guest
Sorry, I meant the fifth commandment: "Honor thy father and thy mother".

No, for Catholics, especially Traditional Catholics, the Fourth Commandment is "Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother" and the Fifth Commandment is "Thou Shalt Not Kill"

You must be using a protestant numbering of the Commandments.

True.

Also, I was taught in my catechism classes that there is more than one way to break any given Commandment. To break the Fifth Commandment (Thou shalt not kill.) one can simply physically murder, hate, envy, slander, gossip or out right show no Charity. The idea is killing that person in your heart. So, if there is a strong resentment/bitterness or outright hate, the Fifth Commandment has been broken.

If you do not believe me you can ask Fr. Zendejas, he gave some of the most influential classes in my opinion.

AMDGJMJ · « **Reply #12 on:** April 08, 2016, 07:10:06 AM »

Quote from: Guest

Are we called to unconditionally forgive a bad parent (getting old) when there is no the slightest sign for repentance or ask for forgiveness?

To what extent the fourth commandment applies to an abusive narcissistic parent?

I am afraid my soul is in the state of sin for harboring such feelings of resentment towards my mother. I am an only child and feel like during my entire life, I have been just a scapegoat for her emotional turmoil and pathetic immaturity. She is infantile, like an wounded child who never grew up. Father, or course, was absolutely absent from my life (all her doing - she is a Feminist).

The end of "Our Father" prayer comes to mind...

"Forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us..."

Our Blessed Lord says that we must forgive if we wish to be forgiven. So, yes, you must forgive your parents.

I know a number of mothers who have been a mess towards their children. God gives us parents like this to help us to grow in holiness, and be mortified in body and soul.

Our Lord said that we must "love our enemies", and who is our enemy more than one who upsets us and disturbs our peace of mind and soul?

You might feel resentment towards your mother, but you must not let it control how you act toward her. You must forgive her and act charitably towards her, even though you might not be able to forget the pain she has caused you.

Keep fighting and may God bless you!

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #13 on:** April 11, 2016, 10:56:08 AM »

In Christianity, forgiveness can be dispensed until and unless the transgressor acknowledges and repents his sins, not before.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #14 on:** April 11, 2016, 02:08:20 PM »

Quote from: Guest

In Christianity, forgiveness can be dispensed until and unless the transgressor acknowledges and repents his sins, not before.

Says who, and where? And how do you define forgiveness? And do you think this releases the OP from the obligation to provide for her mother?

Author Topic: Forgiving a bad mother (Read 6064 times)

Änσnymσus

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