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Author Topic: Detraction of Parents  (Read 3379 times)

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Änσnymσus

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Re: Detraction of Parents
« Reply #30 on: January 01, 2023, 12:27:47 PM »
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    • I’m sorry to hear you went through terrible abuse too.  

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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Detraction of Parents
    « Reply #31 on: January 01, 2023, 01:54:57 PM »
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    • There is no peace like being no contact with narcissistic parents. I pray you will know that peace. I offered my Mass for you today. 
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Detraction of Parents
    « Reply #32 on: January 01, 2023, 03:22:07 PM »
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    • From personal experience (which may or may not apply to your situation), the verbal abuse may be only the tip of the iceberg. The worse types of abuse tend to stay submerged until the abused child is an adult in a safe situation AWAY from the abuser or abusers. Said abuser/s will often use verbal abuse and close personal contact in order to ensure that memories of the worse types of abuse do not emerge. When you talk to a priest, he may refer you to a good Catholic counselor for support and assistance.
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Detraction of Parents
    « Reply #33 on: January 01, 2023, 03:26:31 PM »
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    • Quote from: Änσnymσus on January 01, 2023, 01:12:01 AM
    Now this parent specifically is living in a relative's house and had already planned to move in to MY PLACE without ever discussing about with me and most likely will just drive directly to me a show up at my door at some point. I don't know what reason or excuse I can tell this parent to prevent this. I already told her this is just a temporary rental and I may move somewhere else very soon and it'll be inconvenient. But she insists she'll just follow me and move in wherever I move to EVEN IF I GET MARRIED. My opinion was not even asked, as I mentioned, and I don't see how I can not let her in when she just shows up at my door.
    In itself, this trampling of boundaries and lack of respect for you is not only emotionally abusive, but also indicative of other serious types of abuse.
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    Offline jen51

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    Re: Detraction of Parents
    « Reply #34 on: January 01, 2023, 07:39:18 PM »
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    • Quote from: Änσnymσus on January 01, 2023, 01:12:01 AM
    I guess my situation is a bit different. I'll admit it's actually one of my parents and she is not working nor actively seeking work and just plans to live off her savings and me for the rest of her life. That's why it's actually not me moving "back" since I barely had a place called home to start with when I moved out, I didn't have a bedroom of my own, I slept on the couch in the living room. Now this parent specifically is living in a relative's house and had already planned to move in to MY PLACE without ever discussing about with me and most likely will just drive directly to me a show up at my door at some point. I don't know what reason or excuse I can tell this parent to prevent this. I already told her this is just a temporary rental and I may move somewhere else very soon and it'll be inconvenient. But she insists she'll just follow me and move in wherever I move to EVEN IF I GET MARRIED. My opinion was not even asked, as I mentioned, and I don't see how I can not let her in when she just shows up at my door.
    When I was your age, I would have felt the same way as you. I would have felt I had no choice but to allow her in. It’s very natural for you to want to obey your parents and to respect them. The waters grow terribly murky when your parents don’t hold up their end of the deal by being good parents. 

    Personally I would not allow your mother to live with you. It is not your fault that she is in the situation she is in. From what you’ve told us here, it would not be good for you. 

    You can still love and respect your mother while telling her no. 
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    Religion clean and undefiled before God and the Father, is this: to visit the fatherless and widows in their tribulation: and to keep one's self unspotted from this world.
    ~James 1:27

    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Detraction of Parents
    « Reply #35 on: January 01, 2023, 07:53:21 PM »
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    • Quote from: Änσnymσus on January 01, 2023, 12:18:36 PM
    Another alternative would be to move far, far away. Across the country. That's what I would do.
    I think the problem is that 1. I will be forced to leave my good relatives that actually love and care about me too and 2. It's actually not even going to work. There was one time I didn't reply to her message because I had no service for a day, and she called the police, called all people that she knows that lived in my city and even called up the diocese and the parish that she knows that I used to go to and got contacts of the parishioner. It was a total nightmare and after all that of course she didn't apologize and went on to tell everyone she knows that I was being insubordinate and hurt her feelings, and she said to my face that if I dare to lose contact again she would do it again for sure.
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Detraction of Parents
    « Reply #36 on: January 01, 2023, 07:57:05 PM »
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    • Quote from: Änσnymσus on January 01, 2023, 01:54:57 PM
    There is no peace like being no contact with narcissistic parents. I pray you will know that peace. I offered my Mass for you today.
    Thank you. Much appreciated. And I actually told someone close to me that if I could I wish I never see her again. I really meant it.
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Detraction of Parents
    « Reply #37 on: January 02, 2023, 05:33:36 AM »
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    • Update: we got to sit at a table and with my relative being more or less on my side coming from a secular angle (nothing wrong with children wanting independence) I think she accepted the fact that I will not have her in my place. It didn't happen too peacefully, but it wasn't too bad either. In the middle of her accusation I walked away and my relative remained there to let her rant and console her. And it's interesting that I never was even sure what I've been experiencing in my whole life is called abuse, I thought about maybe it's just my own failure, until yesterday I started to look into it on and someone sent me this website(from secular angle of course) and learnt this new term "narcissistic" and wow, it is a real thing and what happened to me is exactly like that.

    Quote
    It's hard to explain what's so bad about your narcissistic parent when they have such a carefully crafted facade they show to the outside world. So whenever you mention their abuse, you might be met with skepticism, criticism, or counterproductive advice. 
    Quote
    This might make you question whether you have the right to feel the way you do, reinforcing the belief that maybe it's your problem. Due to the backlash, you might have trouble opening up to people in fear that you'll be met with similar responses.

    https://hopefulpanda.com/narcissistic-abuse-and-effects/
    Truly for my whole life I was never able to get help from anyone or even thought I should get help because of these tactics she used. 

    Anyway, it seems like new year new start for me and there's hope again, even though in the whole family circle and for everyone she knows my name may stink for the rest of my life as I expected with her continuing playing victim and accusing me of wronging her. At least God knows what's been really going on.
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Detraction of Parents
    « Reply #38 on: January 02, 2023, 01:14:27 PM »
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    • Quote from: Änσnymσus on January 02, 2023, 05:33:36 AM
    Update: we got to sit at a table and with my relative being more or less on my side coming from a secular angle (nothing wrong with children wanting independence) I think she accepted the fact that I will not have her in my place. It didn't happen too peacefully, but it wasn't too bad either. In the middle of her accusation I walked away and my relative remained there to let her rant and console her. And it's interesting that I never was even sure what I've been experiencing in my whole life is called abuse, I thought about maybe it's just my own failure, until yesterday I started to look into it on and someone sent me this website(from secular angle of course) and learnt this new term "narcissistic" and wow, it is a real thing and what happened to me is exactly like that.

    https://hopefulpanda.com/narcissistic-abuse-and-effects/
    Truly for my whole life I was never able to get help from anyone or even thought I should get help because of these tactics she used.

    Anyway, it seems like new year new start for me and there's hope again, even though in the whole family circle and for everyone she knows my name may stink for the rest of my life as I expected with her continuing playing victim and accusing me of wronging her. At least God knows what's been really going on.

    Good to see that you stood up for yourself. How caring are those other family members of yours, when it seems that they are supporting and maybe even condoning the bad behavior of your parent? 

    I, too, have a narcissistic mother, but she's not on the same level as yours. At least she has no interest in living with any of her children, which is a blessing. 
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    Änσnymσus

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    Re: Detraction of Parents
    « Reply #39 on: January 02, 2023, 03:31:00 PM »
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    • Quote from: Änσnymσus on January 01, 2023, 07:53:21 PM
    I think the problem is that 1. I will be forced to leave my good relatives that actually love and care about me too and 2. It's actually not even going to work. There was one time I didn't reply to her message because I had no service for a day, and she called the police, called all people that she knows that lived in my city and even called up the diocese and the parish that she knows that I used to go to and got contacts of the parishioner. It was a total nightmare and after all that of course she didn't apologize and went on to tell everyone she knows that I was being insubordinate and hurt her feelings, and she said to my face that if I dare to lose contact again she would do it again for sure.
    Her behavior is that of a sociopath. I know because my "mother" did much the same to me (and worse). Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by her threats to repeat her lies and deception. Are you still in contact with your good relatives?
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