Catholic Info
Traditional Catholic Faith => Anσnymσus Posts Allowed => Topic started by: Änσnymσus on December 22, 2022, 07:07:44 AM
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Is it a sin of detraction to reveal faults of the parents if they're abusive so that people know what's going on, especially when asked? I've been trying to practice christian virtues to forgive and tolerate my parent and every time I told people about what my parent did to me (constant insult and shaming in front of everyone etc.) I worried that I sinned. Also will it be against church teaching to cut off parents if they're abusive? Or how abusive do they have to be to become grounds for cutting them off?
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Is it a sin of detraction to reveal faults of the parents if they're abusive so that people know what's going on, especially when asked? I've been trying to practice christian virtues to forgive and tolerate my parent and every time I told people about what my parent did to me (constant insult and shaming in front of everyone etc.) I worried that I sinned. Also will it be against church teaching to cut off parents if they're abusive? Or how abusive do they have to be to become grounds for cutting them off?
Ask your priest.
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The best advice is obviously discussing it with a good priest.
To be able to say something here, it would be interesting to know your age, your gender, if you live with your parents or not.
Based just on what you said on the opening post, what would be the point of exposing your parents abuse towards you to other people? Venting? Solace? Just that?
The abuse is only verbal?
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Is it a sin of detraction to reveal faults of the parents if they're abusive so that people know what's going on, especially when asked? I've been trying to practice christian virtues to forgive and tolerate my parent and every time I told people about what my parent did to me (constant insult and shaming in front of everyone etc.) I worried that I sinned. Also will it be against church teaching to cut off parents if they're abusive? Or how abusive do they have to be to become grounds for cutting them off?
You do not have to put up with verbal abuse from parents, even if some here think that you do.
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And also I didn't ask a priest because 1. I don't have a priest that I trust and 2. I don't know if discussing this with a priest will be a detraction since that way he'll know what they did
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The best advice is obviously discussing it with a good priest.
To be able to say something here, it would be interesting to know your age, your gender, if you live with your parents or not.
Based just on what you said on the opening post, what would be the point of exposing your parents abuse towards you to other people? Venting? Solace? Just that?
The abuse is only verbal?
Female in mid 20s. I don't live with them but a parent is trying to force me to live together again so that I can share rent. There would be scenarios that I got asked why I don't want to live with them or why we don't talk and I didn't know how to answer because I think even a simple answer as "he/she treats me badly" was a form of detraction.
Yet, "just verbal". There's so much emotional abuse and manipulation to a point that every time I spoke to my parent I felt like I want to kill myself.
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There has to be some legitimate reason for disclosing the faults of anyone. There's probably an additional component with regard to the 4th Commandment to Honor your Mother or Father.
So it would partly depend on whether you had legitimate reason for disclosing these faults. Legitimate reason might include the need to discuss it with someone because of the psychological / emotional harm it caused you, perhaps to get feedback and advice from others, or even, if this abuse took place in public, to restore the damage done to your reputation.
So, if the faults revealed were grave sins, then the detraction would be a grave sin ... unless you had a relatively-grave reason to reveal them. If the faults were not grave sins, then the detraction would also not be grave, and may not be a sin of detraction at all if you have a much less weighty reason to reveal them.
To me, if you were seeking counsel, advice, or just wanted to confide in a close friend (who could help you deal with it or give some good advice), then that sounds like legitimate reason to discuss the faults.
Also, since you mentioned that the humiliation / abuse took place in public, those who saw it in public or are in a close enough circle with those who saw it in public (and would likely be in a position to know/hear about it), there would be no detraction in speaking to those about it. In fact, your reputation may have been damaged in front of people such as these, and you have a right to repair the damage.
So, between the fact that they abused/humiliated you in public, and you have the right to restore your own reputation, in my opinion, so long as you're not going around revealing the fault for no reason (i.e. just to get revenge by ruining their reputation), my guess is that there's no sin there.
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And also I didn't ask a priest because 1. I don't have a priest that I trust and 2. I don't know if discussing this with a priest will be a detraction since that way he'll know what they did
No, mentioning it to a priest is not detraction, especially if done in the context of Confession, since things mentioned in Confession effectively don't exist. And, again, as per my previous post, there's legitimate reason to bring it up to a priest, seeking advice. So no issues at all with bringing it up to a priest. If not mentioned in Confession, tell him that you'd like to keep it in confidence between the two of you.
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Yet, "just verbal". There's so much emotional abuse and manipulation to a point that every time I spoke to my parent I felt like I want to kill myself.
If this is damaging you badly enough to make you feel as though you wanted to kill yourself, then talking about it to someone to help with that damage is perfectly legitimate. Basically, there would be sin there if you're going around indiscriminately telling people for no reason, just to gossip. If you have a legitimate reason, such as helping to alleviate the stress / depression it has caused, to seek advice, or even to undo some harm your parents caused you by doing this in public. IMO, all those would be legitimate reasons to talk about it with others ... just not to spread idle gossip or out of revenge ("they ruined my reputation, so I'm going to ruin theirs"). Those latter would not be legitimate and would render it sinful. But to talk about it with a close friend or two to help you deal with the damage it's caused you or to help restore your reputation that may have been damaged by their abuse ... those would be legitimate reasons to speak about it. If you do speak to close friends to help you cope, you should ask them to keep it between you and not spread it around.
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And also I didn't ask a priest because 1. I don't have a priest that I trust and 2. I don't know if discussing this with a priest will be a detraction since that way he'll know what they did
Do you not trust the priest because he has proven to be untrustworthy or because you have not taken the effort to get to know him?
If the priests at your parish are untrustworthy, then travel to where you know there is a good priest. If you mention what Sate you are in, then maybe someone from CathInfo that is familiar with Priests in your State can give you recommendations.
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Female in mid 20s. I don't live with them but a parent is trying to force me to live together again so that I can share rent. There would be scenarios that I got asked why I don't want to live with them or why we don't talk and I didn't know how to answer because I think even a simple answer as "he/she treats me badly" was a form of detraction.
Yet, "just verbal". There's so much emotional abuse and manipulation to a point that every time I spoke to my parent I felt like I want to kill myself.
I know you didn't ask for it, but I'll offer some advice, if I may.
Based on what you say, I think that it is reasonable to imagine that you grew up in an abusive enviroment. Your parents probably have treated you as an incompetent and lesser person, when you know that you are not. They have manipulated you to suit their needs and desires.
I would advise against going back to live with them. You could give them some money to help with rent, although you are not obliged to do that, unless they are very poor or in bad health.
When people ask, you can always give evasive answers. You could simply say that you think it is better if you live apart. You can say that you were not getting along very well, without giving any details, or you can simply pretend that you don't understand the question and talk about something else. Evasive answers are not sinful, and are often our only possible answers, if we don't want to sin by lying.
If they have been abusive and manipulative all your life, chances are they won't change now. Even if you try to set boundaries, they will probably respond with even more manipulation and aggression.
If you live near them, you could spend an hour or two with them every fortnight, if you can handle it. If not, go once a month and stay one hour. If you live far from them, you may go once a year or every six months and spend a day or two. You might even stay in a hotel in these occasions.
I believe that the key is to try to stay on friendly terms and visit them once in a while, as long as it is something that you can handle and that won't be a great harm to you. Only you know how much is too much. Cutting them off completely would be the last option.
I believe that Ladislaus gave a very balanced opinion about detraction. I have nothing to add.
I don't think that cutting them off would be a sin, if they are absolutely unbearable.
Even if you don't have a priest in whom you trust completely, talk about it with any reasonably good traditional priest during confession. You are not obliged to do what he says, but it might be good for you to listen to advice from a qualified person. You can do this with different priests. Their advices might be complementary to each other.
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From my personal experience:
Experienced all 4 types of abuse as a kid. I became a Christian as an adult so didn't know what detraction was (thanks Ignis Ardens). When my children reached the age of reason I had to reveal some of my parents abuse of me so that they could understand my perspective and why I had nothing to do with them. My father passed at the time I became a traditional Catholic, but Mom lived for another decade. In that time, she mocked my faith (she was not Catholic), made blasphemous statements about the Eucharist, and openly spoke of New Age and occultism TO MY CHILDREN. I finally went no contact and 5 priests all gave the same instruction--have nothing to do with her unless she needed financial or physical support. I had no communication with her but the last year of her life I began sending her money. She died without ever making amends or even telling me she was ill. But she cashed my checks. :jester:
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Is it a sin of detraction to reveal faults of the parents if they're abusive
First of all, are you being objective? emotional? Is the so called abuse because of their frustration with your behaviour? The shaming in front of other people ... were you actually guilty of what you were being accused?
70-80 years ago parents followed "don't spare the rod" . This extended to verbal also (but that usually only meant once or twice) but after that a stern look was usually sufficient.
Do you think your parents are behaving a certain way just to be mean? That's an important question.
If you're in your mid 20's, you just came out of the trying teens. You may think you were an angel but how did you respond to their "abuse"...were you silent and submissive or did you respond in kind? Did you rebel?
Today the word "abuse" is thrown around for every little thing that hurts our little feelings.
I'm not trying to judge you, but you should judge yourself. You may be justified in your feelings on all counts, some counts, or no counts. Only you can decide.
To be truly Catholic, follow the example of the saints (and there are many). When falsely accused they kept silent and let their behaviour speak for itself. (and they probably offered it up).
You may feel you have the "right" to clear your name (as Lad says) but is it truly going to resolve the situation or make it worse?
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No, mentioning it to a priest is not detraction, especially if done in the context of Confession, since things mentioned in Confession effectively don't exist.
Yes, the quoted above isn't a matter of opinion, but a matter of fact. Confession is not a normal conversation. It basically doesn't exist, which is why the Priest can't use any of it outside the confessional, not even to save lives.
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From my personal experience:
Experienced all 4 types of abuse as a kid. I became a Christian as an adult so didn't know what detraction was (thanks Ignis Ardens). When my children reached the age of reason I had to reveal some of my parents abuse of me so that they could understand my perspective and why I had nothing to do with them. My father passed at the time I became a traditional Catholic, but Mom lived for another decade. In that time, she mocked my faith (she was not Catholic), made blasphemous statements about the Eucharist, and openly spoke of New Age and occultism TO MY CHILDREN. I finally went no contact and 5 priests all gave the same instruction--have nothing to do with her unless she needed financial or physical support. I had no communication with her but the last year of her life I began sending her money. She died without ever making amends or even telling me she was ill. But she cashed my checks. :jester:
This sounds almost exactly like my future situation. I will certainly NOT want my parents near my children in the future just because of potential poison they may feed to them.
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I know you didn't ask for it, but I'll offer some advice, if I may.
Based on what you say, I think that it is reasonable to imagine that you grew up in an abusive enviroment. Your parents probably have treated you as an incompetent and lesser person, when you know that you are not. They have manipulated you to suit their needs and desires.
I would advise against going back to live with them. You could give them some money to help with rent, although you are not obliged to do that, unless they are very poor or in bad health.
When people ask, you can always give evasive answers. You could simply say that you think it is better if you live apart. You can say that you were not getting along very well, without giving any details, or you can simply pretend that you don't understand the question and talk about something else. Evasive answers are not sinful, and are often our only possible answers, if we don't want to sin by lying.
If they have been abusive and manipulative all your life, chances are they won't change now. Even if you try to set boundaries, they will probably respond with even more manipulation and aggression.
If you live near them, you could spend an hour or two with them every fortnight, if you can handle it. If not, go once a month and stay one hour. If you live far from them, you may go once a year or every six months and spend a day or two. You might even stay in a hotel in these occasions.
I believe that the key is to try to stay on friendly terms and visit them once in a while, as long as it is something that you can handle and that won't be a great harm to you. Only you know how much is too much. Cutting them off completely would be the last option.
I believe that Ladislaus gave a very balanced opinion about detraction. I have nothing to add.
I don't think that cutting them off would be a sin, if they are absolutely unbearable.
Even if you don't have a priest in whom you trust completely, talk about it with any reasonably good traditional priest during confession. You are not obliged to do what he says, but it might be good for you to listen to advice from a qualified person. You can do this with different priests. Their advices might be complementary to each other.
This is very thoughtful and helpful, thanks a lot. And you described my situation even better than I did.
I really want to avoid living with my parent again but I don't know how I can refuse, since I wasn't even asked about my opinion on it and I am just expected to do whatever they want. It was always like that growing up.
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First of all, are you being objective? emotional? Is the so called abuse because of their frustration with your behaviour? The shaming in front of other people ... were you actually guilty of what you were being accused?
70-80 years ago parents followed "don't spare the rod" . This extended to verbal also (but that usually only meant once or twice) but after that a stern look was usually sufficient.
Do you think your parents are behaving a certain way just to be mean? That's an important question.
If you're in your mid 20's, you just came out of the trying teens. You may think you were an angel but how did you respond to their "abuse"...were you silent and submissive or did you respond in kind? Did you rebel?
Today the word "abuse" is thrown around for every little thing that hurts our little feelings.
I'm not trying to judge you, but you should judge yourself. You may be justified in your feelings on all counts, some counts, or no counts. Only you can decide.
To be truly Catholic, follow the example of the saints (and there are many). When falsely accused they kept silent and let their behaviour speak for itself. (and they probably offered it up).
You may feel you have the "right" to clear your name (as Lad says) but is it truly going to resolve the situation or make it worse?
I don't know how I should respond to this. I don't want to explain it in details to a complete stranger because I don't like getting pitied by others. But surely you can expect everyone to behave like a saint, as I am trying to be also, but as for what I am now I don't think I have a saintly enough soul to bear the all these "little things" without getting into severe depression and wish I was never born. And surely I could be accused of things I was guilty of, just like most mockings are based on truths but I think it doesn't justify the behaviour of mocking at one's own children publicly like "wow everyone look at her she's such a fat pig".
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This is very thoughtful and helpful, thanks a lot. And you described my situation even better than I did.
I really want to avoid living with my parent again but I don't know how I can refuse, since I wasn't even asked about my opinion on it and I am just expected to do whatever they want. It was always like that growing up.
You are welcome.
Allow me to express my thoughts on your situation once again, and please consult some good priests or some wise friends before taking your decision.
In my opinion, you should not go back to living with your parents, or with just one of them.
Somehow, you were able to move out once, and, from what I can infer, you are financially independent from them. If you move back with them, you will be under their "territorial dominion" once again, since "my house, my rules". It will ruin your mental heath.
If now you sometimes feel like you want to die, once you go back to living with them, you will feel like you want to die a thousand times a day.
Many people would give anything to be in their 20s again and be able to make better life choices. At your age, you can discern a religious vocation, you can discern a married life vocation. You can do anything. You should value this, and not risk going really down into depression by going back to a situation which you have already freed yourself from.
If you already pray five rosary mysteries a day, start praying ten. If you already pray ten, start praying all fifteen. Our Lady will not abandon you.
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You are welcome.
Allow me to express my thoughts on your situation once again, and please consult some good priests or some wise friends before taking your decision.
In my opinion, you should not go back to living with your parents, or with just one of them.
Somehow, you were able to move out once, and, from what I can infer, you are financially independent from them. If you move back with them, you will be under their "territorial dominion" once again, since "my house, my rules". It will ruin your mental heath.
If now you sometimes feel like you want to die, once you go back to living with them, you will feel like you want to die a thousand times a day.
Many people would give anything to be in their 20s again and be able to make better life choices. At your age, you can discern a religious vocation, you can discern a married life vocation. You can do anything. You should value this, and not risk going really down into depression by going back to a situation which you have already freed yourself from.
If you already pray five rosary mysteries a day, start praying ten. If you already pray ten, start praying all fifteen. Our Lady will not abandon you.
I guess my situation is a bit different. I'll admit it's actually one of my parents and she is not working nor actively seeking work and just plans to live off her savings and me for the rest of her life. That's why it's actually not me moving "back" since I barely had a place called home to start with when I moved out, I didn't have a bedroom of my own, I slept on the couch in the living room. Now this parent specifically is living in a relative's house and had already planned to move in to MY PLACE without ever discussing about with me and most likely will just drive directly to me a show up at my door at some point. I don't know what reason or excuse I can tell this parent to prevent this. I already told her this is just a temporary rental and I may move somewhere else very soon and it'll be inconvenient. But she insists she'll just follow me and move in wherever I move to EVEN IF I GET MARRIED. My opinion was not even asked, as I mentioned, and I don't see how I can not let her in when she just shows up at my door.
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Prayers for you, anonymous.
After reading your latest post I can say that you must just live in the present moment. Trust that with God’s help you will get on top of this sticky situation. Put it all in God’s hands and trust in Him.
:pray::pray::pray:
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Bad parents are a hard cross. I will pray for you.
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Do your parents go to church?
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I have family problems too.
I know scripture says when you get married leave your parents. You might want to remind her of that.
Also, scripture says that your mother needs to work 6 days a week and go to church on Sundays (rest too). Exodus.
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I understand what you say about detraction. I already made that mistake yesterday with my uncle. He probably went back and told them what I said. I was dumb. He isn’t going to be peace keeper and bring peace the family. I should never had said anything to him because he has zero religion.
I did go to confession for that. Detraction.
To honor your mother and father is one thing but when they are lying abusive narcissists, don’t argue with them remain calm and silent.
Avoid them. Don’t holler back to them when they try to provoke you. Get ready to move and block them from your phone. They are most likely needing an exorcism.
Stay away from parents, friends and neighbors who aren’t in a state of grace. Don’t hang out with liars, adulterers, fornicators etc. choose your friends wisely. Choose your husband wisely too.
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I guess my situation is a bit different. I'll admit it's actually one of my parents and she is not working nor actively seeking work and just plans to live off her savings and me for the rest of her life. That's why it's actually not me moving "back" since I barely had a place called home to start with when I moved out, I didn't have a bedroom of my own, I slept on the couch in the living room. Now this parent specifically is living in a relative's house and had already planned to move in to MY PLACE without ever discussing about with me and most likely will just drive directly to me a show up at my door at some point. I don't know what reason or excuse I can tell this parent to prevent this. I already told her this is just a temporary rental and I may move somewhere else very soon and it'll be inconvenient. But she insists she'll just follow me and move in wherever I move to EVEN IF I GET MARRIED. My opinion was not even asked, as I mentioned, and I don't see how I can not let her in when she just shows up at my door.
Here's something you can try. If you think your mom is going to show up and want to stay, make sure that there is no comfortable sleeping place in your home or apartment. Only a few chairs. You may have to sleep on the floor for awhile, but so will she. Just live like the saints who had very little in the way of creature comforts. She may decide that she doesn't want to live that way - most people don't.
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You do not have to put up with verbal abuse from parents, even if some here think that you do.
Amen.
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Here's something you can try. If you think your mom is going to show up and want to stay, make sure that there is no comfortable sleeping place in your home or apartment. Only a few chairs. You may have to sleep on the floor for awhile, but so will she. Just live like the saints who had very little in the way of creature comforts. She may decide that she doesn't want to live that way - most people don't.
Nope. Bad idea. Mom sounds manipulative. Mom will use her savings to buy a bed. Why would anyone want an abusive unholy person into their home to bring in demons?
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Jesus told many to leave friends, family relatives to follow Him.
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Nope. Bad idea. Mom sounds manipulative. Mom will use her savings to buy a bed. Why would anyone want an abusive unholy person into their home to bring in demons?
Another alternative would be to move far, far away. Across the country. That's what I would do.
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From my personal experience:
Experienced all 4 types of abuse as a kid. I became a Christian as an adult so didn't know what detraction was (thanks Ignis Ardens). When my children reached the age of reason I had to reveal some of my parents abuse of me so that they could understand my perspective and why I had nothing to do with them. My father passed at the time I became a traditional Catholic, but Mom lived for another decade. In that time, she mocked my faith (she was not Catholic), made blasphemous statements about the Eucharist, and openly spoke of New Age and occultism TO MY CHILDREN. I finally went no contact and 5 priests all gave the same instruction--have nothing to do with her unless she needed financial or physical support. I had no communication with her but the last year of her life I began sending her money. She died without ever making amends or even telling me she was ill. But she cashed my checks. :jester:
My parents thinks we should financially support my divorced sister who cheated on her husband. She is mean an nasty liberal. I have tried to help her and them spiritually and financially but they won’t listen. It’s long over due for me to stop enabling them and have little contact with them. I remember them saying that they needed money badly. Always crying poor. We gave money and months later they were at Disney world on my birthday without us.
nope. I’m going to pray and Fast and distance myself of unholy family and friends too.
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I’m sorry to hear you went through terrible abuse too.
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There is no peace like being no contact with narcissistic parents. I pray you will know that peace. I offered my Mass for you today.
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From personal experience (which may or may not apply to your situation), the verbal abuse may be only the tip of the iceberg. The worse types of abuse tend to stay submerged until the abused child is an adult in a safe situation AWAY from the abuser or abusers. Said abuser/s will often use verbal abuse and close personal contact in order to ensure that memories of the worse types of abuse do not emerge. When you talk to a priest, he may refer you to a good Catholic counselor for support and assistance.
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Now this parent specifically is living in a relative's house and had already planned to move in to MY PLACE without ever discussing about with me and most likely will just drive directly to me a show up at my door at some point. I don't know what reason or excuse I can tell this parent to prevent this. I already told her this is just a temporary rental and I may move somewhere else very soon and it'll be inconvenient. But she insists she'll just follow me and move in wherever I move to EVEN IF I GET MARRIED. My opinion was not even asked, as I mentioned, and I don't see how I can not let her in when she just shows up at my door.
In itself, this trampling of boundaries and lack of respect for you is not only emotionally abusive, but also indicative of other serious types of abuse.
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I guess my situation is a bit different. I'll admit it's actually one of my parents and she is not working nor actively seeking work and just plans to live off her savings and me for the rest of her life. That's why it's actually not me moving "back" since I barely had a place called home to start with when I moved out, I didn't have a bedroom of my own, I slept on the couch in the living room. Now this parent specifically is living in a relative's house and had already planned to move in to MY PLACE without ever discussing about with me and most likely will just drive directly to me a show up at my door at some point. I don't know what reason or excuse I can tell this parent to prevent this. I already told her this is just a temporary rental and I may move somewhere else very soon and it'll be inconvenient. But she insists she'll just follow me and move in wherever I move to EVEN IF I GET MARRIED. My opinion was not even asked, as I mentioned, and I don't see how I can not let her in when she just shows up at my door.
When I was your age, I would have felt the same way as you. I would have felt I had no choice but to allow her in. It’s very natural for you to want to obey your parents and to respect them. The waters grow terribly murky when your parents don’t hold up their end of the deal by being good parents.
Personally I would not allow your mother to live with you. It is not your fault that she is in the situation she is in. From what you’ve told us here, it would not be good for you.
You can still love and respect your mother while telling her no.
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Another alternative would be to move far, far away. Across the country. That's what I would do.
I think the problem is that 1. I will be forced to leave my good relatives that actually love and care about me too and 2. It's actually not even going to work. There was one time I didn't reply to her message because I had no service for a day, and she called the police, called all people that she knows that lived in my city and even called up the diocese and the parish that she knows that I used to go to and got contacts of the parishioner. It was a total nightmare and after all that of course she didn't apologize and went on to tell everyone she knows that I was being insubordinate and hurt her feelings, and she said to my face that if I dare to lose contact again she would do it again for sure.
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There is no peace like being no contact with narcissistic parents. I pray you will know that peace. I offered my Mass for you today.
Thank you. Much appreciated. And I actually told someone close to me that if I could I wish I never see her again. I really meant it.
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Update: we got to sit at a table and with my relative being more or less on my side coming from a secular angle (nothing wrong with children wanting independence) I think she accepted the fact that I will not have her in my place. It didn't happen too peacefully, but it wasn't too bad either. In the middle of her accusation I walked away and my relative remained there to let her rant and console her. And it's interesting that I never was even sure what I've been experiencing in my whole life is called abuse, I thought about maybe it's just my own failure, until yesterday I started to look into it on and someone sent me this website(from secular angle of course) and learnt this new term "narcissistic" and wow, it is a real thing and what happened to me is exactly like that.
It's hard to explain what's so bad about your narcissistic parent when they have such a carefully crafted facade they show to the outside world. So whenever you mention their abuse, you might be met with skepticism, criticism, or counterproductive advice.
This might make you question whether you have the right to feel the way you do, reinforcing the belief that maybe it's your problem. Due to the backlash, you might have trouble opening up to people in fear that you'll be met with similar responses.
https://hopefulpanda.com/narcissistic-abuse-and-effects/
Truly for my whole life I was never able to get help from anyone or even thought I should get help because of these tactics she used.
Anyway, it seems like new year new start for me and there's hope again, even though in the whole family circle and for everyone she knows my name may stink for the rest of my life as I expected with her continuing playing victim and accusing me of wronging her. At least God knows what's been really going on.
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Update: we got to sit at a table and with my relative being more or less on my side coming from a secular angle (nothing wrong with children wanting independence) I think she accepted the fact that I will not have her in my place. It didn't happen too peacefully, but it wasn't too bad either. In the middle of her accusation I walked away and my relative remained there to let her rant and console her. And it's interesting that I never was even sure what I've been experiencing in my whole life is called abuse, I thought about maybe it's just my own failure, until yesterday I started to look into it on and someone sent me this website(from secular angle of course) and learnt this new term "narcissistic" and wow, it is a real thing and what happened to me is exactly like that.
https://hopefulpanda.com/narcissistic-abuse-and-effects/
Truly for my whole life I was never able to get help from anyone or even thought I should get help because of these tactics she used.
Anyway, it seems like new year new start for me and there's hope again, even though in the whole family circle and for everyone she knows my name may stink for the rest of my life as I expected with her continuing playing victim and accusing me of wronging her. At least God knows what's been really going on.
Good to see that you stood up for yourself. How caring are those other family members of yours, when it seems that they are supporting and maybe even condoning the bad behavior of your parent?
I, too, have a narcissistic mother, but she's not on the same level as yours. At least she has no interest in living with any of her children, which is a blessing.
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I think the problem is that 1. I will be forced to leave my good relatives that actually love and care about me too and 2. It's actually not even going to work. There was one time I didn't reply to her message because I had no service for a day, and she called the police, called all people that she knows that lived in my city and even called up the diocese and the parish that she knows that I used to go to and got contacts of the parishioner. It was a total nightmare and after all that of course she didn't apologize and went on to tell everyone she knows that I was being insubordinate and hurt her feelings, and she said to my face that if I dare to lose contact again she would do it again for sure.
Her behavior is that of a sociopath. I know because my "mother" did much the same to me (and worse). Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by her threats to repeat her lies and deception. Are you still in contact with your good relatives?